28 January, 2013

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Didn't I use to have a theory relating to the weather and the number of wonky musicians' ads? I forgot how it works. Is it when it's warmer out that we have more of them? Because it's warmer than it has been for a while.
Oh and also Craigslist changed up their formatting, so things are going to look a little different. I've tried to keep them looking as familiar as possible, though.

Original Geeky Love Songs (PAID) (Minneapolis)

I'm the music director for an up and coming GEEK based romantic comedy OK, Big Bang Theory, did you really have to engage the caps lock for the word "geek"? I get that I'll never be able to fully escape this whole cool-nerd phase society's trying to foist on me but come on, now we're using the word "geek"? We've gone from "nerd" to "geek"? You are aware that "geek" comes from the guy in the circus sideshows that bit the heads off of live chickens, right? and am looking for some awesome music for the soundtrack. Can't help you there. I'm looking for Geeky style love songs/ "Geeky style love songs"... OK, so you're just trying to say "virgin songs", got it. video game raps/ Because, you know, those never get old, right, MC Chris? anything extremely original with a lot of geek and a lot of heart. My balls. They have shriveled to raisins.

Let's see what you got! Well, raisin balls, now. Submit an MP3 to my email address and if it works for the film, I'll let you know and get you PAID.

Compensation will be based upon how much of your song we use.
$25-100 a song. Way to lowball the geeks, there, Chuck Lorre.

Please email your MP3s and questions! Excited to hear some great work!
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
And the award for the cleverest ad ever goes to...

bass player looking to start a minimalist band (maple grove)

  • Location: maple grove
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Heavy Metal ELVIS (Minneapolis)

image 1image 2
Remember the last time I mentioned Heavy Metal Elvis? How I said it wasn't anything special.
Motherfucker's upped his game.

Looking for musicians(keys,bass,gtr,drums) SSSooo... the whole band? for a new show this show featutes "the King" singing some classic Elvis hits in a more hard rock versions Makes sense. It's supposed to be Heavy Metal Elvis, after all. & singing songs by others like Led Zeppelin, OK. Motley Crue, Which era of Mötley Crüe? (Yes, I did say that. Too Fast For Love and Shout at the Devil were before they got all cheesy with that "Smoking in the Boys' Room", "Girls Girls Girls" bullshit.) Poison, OK, Poison is indefensible. Prince, You have got to be fucking kidding me. You're telling me, with a straight face, that a heavy metal band fronted by an Elvis impersonator is going to sing Prince songs?
Kiss, I once had "Strutter" stuck in my head for a week a few years ago and I think that that was the Kiss song that I actually liked. Rolling Stones, Oh, come on, it's the Stones. Guns n' Roses, You really need only Appetite For Destruction, maybe half of Lies! and maybe two songs total from both Use Your Illusions. Neil Diamond, Wait. Isn't Neil Diamond just Canadian Elvis with better songs in the first place? Wouldn't Heavy Metal Elvis covering Canadian Elvis seem a little redundant?
Oh. Wait. Neil Diamond is a Yankee. Neil Young is the Canuck.
Van Halen, I've always wondered if "Panama" has anything to do wth Panama. [Googles.]
The song was written about a car.[1] According to David Lee Roth this was because critics accused him of writing about nothing more than partying, sex, and cars, but Roth realized that he had yet to write a song about cars.[citation needed] In an interview with Howard Stern, Roth explained the meaning behind the trademark song. Although the song features some suggestive lyrics, it is about a car that Roth saw race in Las Vegas; its name was "Panama Express", hence the title of the song.[citation needed]
You gotta love when Diamond Dave gets his smart-ass on.
Queen, OK, again. Metal band. Fronted by Elvis impersonator. Singing Queen songs. Imagine that shit.
Beastie Boys. I'm out. So it is a outside the box idea influenced by Dred Zeppelin etc. Yeah but Dread Zeppelin is a - Wait. They have an Elvis, too? Fuck, man. You're boned. I have first Booking in mid Feb. But you don't have a band yet. Why are you booking shows without a band? I need two days a week practice till the show. No. You and your whole band need to practice twice a week until the show that you foolishly booked without having a fucking band. I have local agents But no band. coming to see the feb show Without a band. I have good interest so far. From everybody aside from bandmates. Email your info and or call Greg or Gretchen Wait. Please tell me you're a drag queen and your stage name is Gretchen. Please. We can work with that. Think about it: Heavy Metal Charro. Heavy Metal Shirley Bassey. Heavy Metal Nancy Sinatra. I mean, I would absolutely one hundred percent watch the shit out of Heavy Metal Charro sing Prince and Queen covers. You couldn't keep me away. I'd drag friends against their will to that shit. I'd call up old roommates that I haven't talked to in years and bully them into going. Fucking Heavy Metal Tina Turner? Fucking Heavy Metal Tina Turner? You better bet that my ass would be in the fucking front row seat to watch a metal band fronted by a Tina Turner drag queen. Seriously, ditch the Elvis shit. You're doing Heavy Metal Tina Turner. at xxx xxx xxxx Please have equipment and transportation. Please be a drag queen on top of being an Elvis impersonator.
Holy shit.
I just had the best idea ever. A drag queen on top of being an Elvis impersonator. Think of the money that porno could make. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm so goddamned brilliant that not only did I just shit myself, but my shit congratulated me on my idea and wiped itself up for me.
Ooh, wait! Drag queen fucking an Elvis impersonator in a foam-dancing booth. Goddamn, I'm too pretty.
Here is set 1 Yeah, nobody cares anymore.
ROCK N ROLL-LED ZEP Don't care. Not unless you come out as Heavy Metal Tina Turner.
KICKSTART MY HEART-MOTLEY CRUE Wasn't that about the time that Nikki Sixx was clinically dead?
HONKY TONK WOMAN-ROLLING STONES I can't remember if I like that one.
I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL-JOAN JETT Oh, shit. OK, hear me out: Drag Queen Joan Jett. Huh? Huh? You like that one? I think we can talk business, now.
(All songs are to be performed live a half step down to Eflat).
www.rockstarztx.com www.facebook.com/heavymetalelvis 
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

need help!!!! (Washington )

Hey guys are you looking for a band? Why? Did I lose one? You want to do this as a long-term job?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Go ahead. Well you found the right person. I have? Im looking for a 2x guitarist bass player What the fuck is a 2x guitarist bass player? Is that like the guy with one of those Gibson double-neck jobs but one is a bass or like Charlie Hunter's eight-string bass/guitar hybrid? What the fuck is that? i have aj good ass drummer that has good talent. You hear that? AJ is a good ass drummer with good talent. I think that says it all. We're golden, here. You must be willing to do this as a long-term job. Gigs show etc.
You have good transportation we also need frontmanw who can sing good music Yes, frontmen who sing bad music need not apply because AJ does not have time for that bullshit.
Plz contact me if interested.. no BS!!!!
  • Location: Washington
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

4-Story Mansion looking for Musicians to Play for Public (Saint Paul, MN)

Curiosity piqued.
Dr. Chocolate's Chocolate Chateau I'm sorry, what? Dr. Chocolate's Chocolate Chateau That's what I thought you said. is a 4-story Victorian Mansion on Selby Avenue in Saint Paul. [Googles.] A four story chocolate, uh, restaurant? I had no idea that there were even "just chocolate" restaurants and now you tell me that the first one I've ever heard of is four fucking stories? How much fucking chocolate are you selling? We book live music for our guests to enjoy throughout the week. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that your guests - the kind of people that go to a four story just chocolate restaurant - would not be into my band. We are looking for new musicians and groups to fill some open slots. I'll fill your open slot, baby. Cheap shot!

To be considered, please send sound clips or link to follow to hear your music, and your price to play for either 1 or 2 hour blocks of time. Eleventy bajillion dollars.

We look forward to working with you. Uh, yeah, you kind of won't be because I have strong doubts that we're up your demographic's alley.
Really, I just wanted to share that I just discovered a four story just chocolate restaurant.

Thank you,
  • Location: Saint Paul, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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