03 September, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

You would think that the nutbags would be in heat this week what with the constant intake of fried not-good-for-you on a stick at the state fair. Alas, these are pretty meh.

Looking for a DJ.. electronic something.. (Portland)

Date: 2012-09-02, 3:30AM CDT

I'm looking for someone that wants to get together and do something different!!.. I play metal.. but not like 80's metal, or hair metal, or metallica/korn/slipknot type metal. It is a sad sad day when Metallica, even as the shell of their former selves that they are now, gets lumped in with Korn and Slipknot. Just good stuf.. I guess I can't really explain what I do. I don't know.. I just had this idea of some like horror movie music stuffish. Stuffish?
Oh! You know what? I get it now. You see how he spelled "stuff" earlier? With one f? And now there's stuffish? Maybe he means stuf fish. Like this is some type of fish you get at fancy Filipino restaurants or something. I'll have to look into that... Stuf fish. Got it.
Dark but very aesthetically nice. The fish or the ball-less crap you're going to try to pass off as metal? If you need more of an explanation you probably don't get it. You're right. I don't get it. Email me!!!
  • Location: Portland
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

re: Singer / Player NEEDED. (South Metro) (Top o' the World)

Note: The original post this was in response to was not found, I suspect it may have been flagged and removed.

Date: 2012-08-31, 10:11AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I know I'm long-winded and can't get this guitar slot filled, but whoever it is, we're as good as it gets in this business. I have no idea what you're talking about. Let's face it, as opposed fusion or progressive music, variety cover bands Here we go. require the most accomplished musicians one can find. To play all of today's hottest hits by contemporary artists like... Lady Gaga, ! Eminem, ! Kid Rock ! and Miranda Lambert ... and many more! is some seriously difficult shit to play. I'll grant you that it's shit. Remember, we're VETERANS of the local scene, and demand only the BEST. With our lofty goals of "corporate" gigs and massive backline of gear, the right player will be living the high life of And get the fuck ready... $125 a night instead of all you other slugs making How much? $100. Holy shit! A twenty five dollar difference!? A twenty five dollar difference!? Hot rats! Twenty five dollars! So please, don't waste our time-you top-notch players know who you are. Get off your ass and call us so we can take over the world of cover bands. Take over the world of cover bands. He actually said that. Like it was something to be proud of.
  • Location: Top o' the World
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

The Rope is looking for a Keyboard Player (Twin Cities)

Date: 2012-08-30, 1:37PM CDT

Minneapolis band The Rope is looking for a keyboard player. OK OK OK, I got this one. Demi told me this joke, told me he got it from Mike from Second Attention.
These three ropes walk into a bar and grab a table. One of the ropes gets up and goes to get a pitcher and the bartender says "Are you a rope?"
The rope says, "Yes, sir."
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to ropes."
So the rope goes back to his table and the other two ropes ask him where the pitcher is and he says the bartender wouldn't serve him. So the second rope gets up, goes over to the bartender and asks for a pitcher. And the bartender says, "Are you a rope?"
And the second rope says, "Yes, I am."
The bartender says, "We don't serve beers to ropes."
So the second rope goes back to the table and says he got shot down, too. So the third rope gets up and starts beating himself up, tying himself up, and goes to the bartender. The bartender says, "Are you a rope?"
The third rope says, "Nope. I'm afraid not."
Get it? No? No good? Fuck you then.
Main influences: Killing Joke, The Chameleons, Joy Division, The Cult, Bauhaus, The Cure, and The Psychedelic Furs. No, seriously, I just included this ad so I could tell that joke.

You can check out our music here:  No link here.
Find us on Facebook:  Nope.
  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Looking for Vocalist/Singer (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-08-29, 11:20PM CDT

We're a very established rock/post hardcore band in Minnesota. We're looking to switch up some roles in the band and want to see what another vocalist would sound/do in our band. We are looking for someone that has prior singing experience, has ranges high or low and is down to earth. We are a rock/post-hardcore band You said that already. and have played all throughout the Midwest. And everybody buckle up and fix a cocktail for this next doozy... Again we're rated one of the top 50 bands in MN and if you are into rock you have most likely heard of us. Which is precisely why you won't give us your name. We would interview you and if you work out we would add you to our band. Please send me your experience and links to sound clips/demos. I will not respond to emails without this. This is a huge Huge! opportunity Huge opportunity! for someone that just broke up with their band or is looking to join a band to make it big.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Noise Rock Duo Seeks Drummings! (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-08-29, 12:53PM CDT

Two man noise rock thunder duo Oh, god. looking for drummer to destroy hearts and minds. Is this going to be one of those "silly" ads? The sound is like a cat in heat in a toaster in a blizzard in a typhoon. Great. You want to be quirky like Zooey Deschawhat'sits. I get it. But can I point out a few things?
First, have you seen a cat lately? Have you also seen a toaster? Well, guess what, dick. The cat won't fit into the toaster. Further, if you do, by some magic - You believe in magic right? I mean, you did put this ad together so I'm going to assume that you say some shit about wizards at some point. - get the cat into the toaster, that's animal cruelty.
Secondly, the atmospheric conditions required for a blizzard and those required for a typhoon are wildly dissimilar, so you can't have a blizzard in a typhoon. Also, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that when you have this cat in the toaster that you weren't just going to leave the toaster deactivated, you were going to try to toast the cat, weren't you? Well, guess the fuck what, Danny Bonadouchebag, if there were some catastrophic atmospheric anomaly that did permit for a blizzard inside of a typhoon, most certainly your power would go out and the cat would remain untoasted.
So there. You want to have fun with these ads? Tough shit. You've got me. And I hate fun.
Drummer must resemble a U.S. president living or dead, Stop. Just stop. preferably no Franklin Pierce or William Howard Taft, we've already got those two covered, unless you're a fat Taft, we've got the skinny version. There is no skinny version of Taft, you ass.

Influences include, The Coach Whips, Don Caballero, Hella, Lightning Bolt, Iron Maiden, Wizard Riffle, The Black Keys, Black Pus, Black Dice, Black Sabbath and The Jackson Five.

Get back to us muy pronto! Suck my dick.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the winner of our "Finally Somebody's Honest" award is...

Female Singer / Girlfriend Wanted (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-08-28, 4:11PM CDT

We We? are looking for a young, attractive female vocalist to write lyrics and sing for our Our? band. In addition, I often fantasize about This is about to get mildly uncomfortable. hiring such a vocalist and then begin a slowly blossoming romance with said female musician. You and twenty other bozos a week on this thing, fella. Our music is thoughtful and passionate and we are very flexible with song structure to better fit any lyrical preferences. I feel working out song structure with an attractive woman would be a very good way to get to know each other. Also, you could try going to the dating section of Craigslist and not turn your band into a musical speed dating service. You could do that.

Our all-male band used to meet in a basement, but we have since moved upstairs to a less-threatening environment. We have excellent mood lighting ? and there is a good chance for some alone time when the other band members go out for a smoke. That sounds really kind of almost creepy.

Let me know what you think! You're deluded but you're honest about your intentions here. I can send you some demos of our music and possibly a picture of myself.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

bass player with belief (minneapolis south)

Date: 2012-08-27, 12:25PM CDT

evidently our latest bass player didn't have enough, considering that he himself said that we had the talent to play anything we want; and then he took a job transfer out of state Yes, the fact that he made the conscious decision to further his career to make sure that he is financially stable and perhaps provide for a family is a clear indicator that he did not believe strongly in a band that may or may not have gone anywhere.

we are guitar drums and vox and we can play anything we choose to play That's true. You can play a foxtrot, you can play a tango. You can play anything you want when you grow up.

there are 2 completed CDs, considered by educated listeners to be masterpieces I'm just going to hand that one to David Bowie...
and we have 10-12 new songs underway

we aren't kids Are you sure? and we are original like nothing that's been heard before Are you really sure?

believe it No.

an intelligent response will be provided a link from which you can decide for yourself if you have the talent to match our own Want to field that one for me, David Bowie?
  • Location: minneapolis south
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

30 Reviews In 30 Days: Review #3

Chief Keef, Back From The Dead (Mixtape) (DatPiff.com, 2012)

Chief Keef is a 17-year-old rapper from Chicago who's notorious for a hit single called "I Don't Like" and for how young he is. He was placed under house arrest recently for pointing a Glock at a cop, and is definitely in the post-Waka Flocka Flame mold of radio-ready gangsta rap for 2012. All the beats have that same, impossibly grandiose-yet-cheap-sounding synthesized pomp that still characterize so many Lex Luger productions, and stomp away with impunity at the listener's ears. They're not interchangeable, per se, but they're all very definitely in the same style and have that same mood of triumphant, cinematic, knuckle-headed machismo. There's absolutely no variation in the beats whatsoever: they all coagulate into one hard-headed mass of surface-level chest-beating. These beats don't generate the moronic excitement that Flocka's "Hard In The Paint" did so effortlessly, or the violent thug aggression of "Gun Sounds"; they just sit and blare at you, satisfied to be following trends.

Keef himself is a fairly limited presence. His primary strengths are his voice and his delivery. He's noticeably cold: there's no attempt at making any kind of emotional connection with anything. He doesn't seem invested in the sketchy and vaguely defined threats he regularly makes. He doesn't even seem angry. What he does convey at his most effective, though, is a willingness to cap you for the hell of it. This is good for gangsta rap, and for Keef, that convincingly violent aspect of his personality has come through most clearly on "Bang," a song which unfortunately isn't included on this mixtape. He also has a strange way of enunciating at times - he can make it sound as if he's delivering his verse on springs. Keef's oddly bouncy delivery and cold voice, though, don't make up for the fact that his flow is almost nonexistent: he never connects a line to the next with a linking word or phrase. He just raps a line in rhythm, stops, and then raps another line in rhythm. Combined with the facts that none of these verses really go much farther beyond shallow gangsta nihilism, and that they aren't even fun to boot, his rapping is not that impressive.

The best songs on Back From The Dead, unsurprisingly, are the songs where Keef and his producers realize their aesthetic most clearly instead of just relaxing within it. "Monster," the inescapable "I Don't Like" and the mixtape's best song, "Winning," manage to put Keef's coldness together with memorable hooks, beats and choruses that will definitely stick in your head. (Best line, from "Winning": "I can't lose, bitch, I'm so used to winning. Fuck with my family, and you are finished.") But so much of this tape sounds the same as itself that it's kind of stupefying. I can't come up with really any worthwhile praise or insults because it's just… generic. It goes through the motions and it's happy to do so. Outside of a charmingly naive tendency to compare himself to Sammy Sosa (you really want to compare yourself to an irrelevant steroid-addled idiot who's bleached his skin into Michael Jackson territory? If you say so, kid), Keef just doesn't have much personality, and neither does the tape itself. There's nothing here that's unforgivably offensive (although two Soulja Boy cameos in a row at the end of the tape, particularly the verse where he sounds exactly like a retarded alien, is really pushing it), but there's nothing that's amazingly great either. It has a few decent songs and a lot of mediocre, unimaginative, boring soundalike gangsta rap. It's not bad or good. It's just 42 minutes of learned behavior.
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