23 April, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

OK, before we get to the ads can I recommend that nobody who lives near 24th and Nicollet get drunk and then decide that running down the block to Slice of New York is a good idea? I don't want to bad mouth the place and I'm sure this is more than just a little alcohol related but this is also the second time in a row I've gotten the chicken roll from there and woke up at four in the morning with an insidious and gassy case of indigestion that required half a bottle of Pepto and fifteen minutes on the toilet to assuage and then I was still wavering between grody and nauseated by the time I opened up the office this morning. Seriously.
On the plus side, I had a dream that I was in a Hitchcock movie. That was pretty tight. I also had a dream about a children's book wherein a group of midgets are killed by a trebuchet and then a bunch of seagulls swooped in to pick their bones. Surprisingly? I was down with that one, too.

pop-punk band


Date: 2012-04-22, 11:42PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey i wanna start a pop-punk band like all time low or we the kings or the summer set or something like those guys, i can play bass or rhythm guitar but i'd need a few other people to join in. I wanna be kind of serious about this because music is my passion I know right? I mean, when you're passionate about something, why not be kind of serious about it? but hit me up if you're interested. Put a band name in the subject of the email You mean, like, just any band name? so i kinda know what's legit and what's not Dexie's Midnight Runners. Straight up legit as fuck, hombre.
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


These next guys I actually like; I'm just including the ad because it had me laughing my ass off in a few places.

Metal 7 string Guitarist and Bassist wanted (minneapolis)


Date: 2012-04-22, 4:23PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

so heres the deal. Lay it on me. me and some guys are starting a project. we play metal. think all shall perish meets the baby of the black dahlia murder and the ghost inside (and idk why they fucked, but they did, and now theres this baby), and then asp and that fucked up baby fucked, then made a new baby. thats our baby, and if you'd like to nurture this baby with us, You know? I kind of do. thats awesome. heres the scoop, or several scoops. were just some dudes who like to play metal, and maybe get some shows. were serious, but were not so retarded that we think that after a demo and a few shows Sumerian Records is gonna pick us up. right now theres 3 of us, me (guitar), a drummer and a vocalist. you would need, decent gear, some kind of talent, be able to notice good tone from bad tone (btw, if you just turn your amp on, turn the gain up far enough so that theres no feedback and call it a day, yea, you dont know what good tone is), have transportation, are 21 or older, and is just a cool person, let us know. we might want to meet you. if your a douche who has a degree in music and still cant play palm mutes correctly, is a know-it-all, or plays a fender guitar Hey, come on. and a vox combo amp, no thanks. we're all 20-22 and are still in school. this is a hobby, not a career. in our down time, we like to drink, listen to metal, play videogames, and yea, we love to air drum Why, I get drunk and air drum! (who doesnt love blast beats). also, were not stereotypical "metal kids" or "scene kids". we dont have long stringy hair and arch enemy shirts and look like we havent seen daylight in 12 years, nor do we have tsunami hair cuts, 4 inch plus and and snake bite piercings, albeit our vocalist is kind of a weirdo but hes a good kid. in any case, if you think your quality material, hit us up.

**EDIT** yes, we play 7 strings tuned AEADGBE, if you play a 7 or dont mind tuning down with a 6 (we'd prefer the 7) then yes, let us know.
  • Location: minneapolis
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



GarageRock/Blues Originals ISO Drummer (StLP/GV/NSubs)


Date: 2012-04-20, 5:09PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

This is an original start-up in the building stage - we're looking for a drummer that's interested in the sound/style we're going for, has a propensity to create wide-ranging dynamics, and fits into the extremely comfortable creative atmosphere we currently work from. OK. Sounds reasonable so far. Backing vox a big plus, being cool and a non-egomaniac are even bigger. Nothing out of the ordinary at all. Our lineup currently is aged from early 30's up if that's a factor for you. No but why don't you go ahead and start getting pretentious for me, already, OK? This whole you-being-a-completely-rational-person-and-in-no-way-a-pompous-windbag schtick is getting old.

Here's our bio:

Xxxxxx I'll give you three guesses as to which animal this band is named after. Hint: If it were on a t-shirt, there would be three of them under a moon. is a project with a swift gait. That's more like it. Drums, guitars, bass and vox in-harmony around energetic blues-tinged garage-rock infused with a lot of rhythm and dynamics; Rhythm and dynamics... So you're just saying music right? that's what makes up the components of our pack. Uh, yeah, it kind of makes up all music. Rhythm, tempo, dynamics, harmony, melody, snorting coke off a seventeen year old's titties in a San Salvador hotel room... All musical. XXX songs are crafted with a beat-centric backbone sitting under a howl of well thought-out lyrics. Does anybody else here smell the stink of self-congratulatory bullshit? We're not eschewing all song-making standards, What? but are looking for opportunities where doing so makes our music better. What?

To better help define things: we make bluesy garage rock. Our songs trot on riffs and from there break into a sprint with a heavy backbone, dynamics galore, OK, we get it. You do the loud-quiet-loud thing. Whatever. and multi-part harmonies. We have hooks, but aren't creating strictly verse/chorus verse/chorus stuff.

The genre stalwarts we're cutting our teeth on and could be accused of "stealing from" The appropriate term is "ripping off", but go ahead. include: The White Stripes Well, I think we can all wrap this up and go home, then. and The Dead Ex's - with their dirty garage-rockish loud/soft We fucking get it! Shut up! style, and The Black Keys and their riff-rooted awesomeness. Is it really that hard for you to just say you like one band and then another band and just make a coherent list without clouding things with all your bullshit? Adding to this established minimalistic sound Oh, Christ. the lush harmonies Oh, Jesus Christ, he's not stopping. Tell you what, I'm going to let him just run this out. of Grizzly Bear and some of the odd melodies of The Pixies or Peter Wolf Crier, with a Spoon-like penchant for tension/release and with conscientious lyrics like Manchester Orchestra (and countless others), are a few of the influences of the sound the Xxxxxx are going for. Is he done? Looks like he's done. Good.

Here is a link to some MashUps of demo stuff we've done and some live stuff rom a recent rehearsal.

You can thank me for getting rid of the link some other time.

We practice weekday evenings in the Golden Valley/St Louis Park area right now and are working towards playing out/whatever else fun comes our way. This is essentially a 1 day-a-week commitment and though we're looking to work on a set and are serious about bettering our material, we're also into having laughs, fun, occasional go-off jams, musical epiphanies, some cold brews, and lots of good times!
-XXX




  • Location: StLP/GV/NSubs
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



BRUTAL DRUMMER WANTED (ANDOVER)


Date: 2012-04-19, 7:42PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

CAPS LOCK ENGAGE! WANTED HARD HITTIN DRUM DISTROYING MOTHER FUCKER WANTED FOR A ANGER LUSTING BAND MUST BE ABLE TO FEEL YOUR ANGER PUSSYS NEED NOT APPLY INFLUENCES SNOT And you've officially lost all credibility with the very first band you name check. DROID HATEBREED LAMB OF FUCKING GOD SEND EMAIL AND I WILL REPLY
  • Location: ANDOVER
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Making Noise (Saint Paul)


Date: 2012-04-19, 11:27AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

45 year old Latina I'm not going to lie... Sounds hot. looking for a guitar player Well, hello. who either doesn't have much experience, is learning, or is just looking to make some noise. That can be arranged. I started drumming about two years ago and just want to make some noise in my basement and it's much more fun with someone else! Maybe if we get really good we can move the gig to my garage!!! I like how that's the next level she aspires to reach.

.-V Is that your sign-off or is that some sort of one-eyed emoticon?
  • Location: Saint Paul
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



New grass meets anti folk meets anarchy (Whittier - Minneapolis)

Oh, so this is in my neighborhood.

Date: 2012-04-17, 7:44PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi I play mandolin both acoustically or through some crazy fx gear SSSooo... you don't want to be taken seriously. and i want to start a very original band first and most important I think we should write as a collective and get our truth I'm sorry, what? and get our truth with very little bullshit impeding the process. OK, I'm not trying to be funny here: Is English your second language? Because I have no idea what the fuck that meant. I also play guitar bass and drums and woodwinds as far as owning any of those instruments I have a guitar and clarinet. I think I'm making fun of someone whose native tongue isn't English. Can someone check the rules for me and see how bad that is? As far as a rough sketch of my Idea of instrumentation it would be guitar, mandolin, banjo, electric bass, maybe a violin or a horn or two thrown in for good measure. Maybe we could call it anarchist folk just bringing the truth of how shitty things are actually going for real people. I liked this band better the first - Wait, do we have a verdict on the English as a second language thing yet?
We do?
And?
Oh, you mean English is his native tongue, he just sucks at it. OK, good, so I can do my joke, right? Awesome.
[clears throat] I liked this band better the first time I heard it when it was called Defiance, Ohio.
If age is a deal I am 30 clean if that matters and without a car but that could change. If this sounds at all interesting just send an email and thanks. Also if you have a band semi like this already and want a crazy emando player let me know I could also be in possibly
Thanks
Xxxx
  • Location: Whittier - Minneapolis
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


And our "Charlie Hates the Idea but Loves the Guy Who Had It Because He Fucking Owns It" award goes to...

Violinist, Cellist, Organist, Revolutionary? (Xxxxx Xxxx'x Xxxxxx Xxx)


Date: 2012-04-17, 1:45PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Wanted: Cellist, organist, violinist or multiple combinations there of to become regular entertainment at Minneapolis cocktail lounge. Tell me more.

The apocalypse is upon us. OK, I have a feeling that this is going to get stupid. Zombies Called it. are pacing the horizon and the future is bleak. Face defeat. Or. . .

Fight back, fittest.

Live human without fear, be lulled to peace slowly by the mellow-dramatic, heart-wrenching tones of ... insert YOUR name here, artist.

Original and morbid concept seeks creative and passionate musicians to embrace and enhance the ambiance of Xxxxx Xxxx'x Xxxxxx Xxx. It sounds stupid from the get go and your over the top presentation aren't doing anything to change my mind on that but goddamn, guy, you're fucking owning this. Discuss that which goes unsaid without the presence of government spies and elements of detection while serenading your audience's morbid love affair with eachother's apocalyptic survival and toast to fine mixology. You see? This is exactly the kind of ad where talking bullshit like this is necessary. What was that shit last week? With the kid talking about how vampire robots were cool but zombie vampires could fuck right off. Yeah, that was just for a regular assed metal band. This guy here, though? He's trying to start a full on zombie themed lounge act. Please note the difference. Play the tones of the soul facing pending obliteration, See? He fucking owns this shit. embrace the heartbreak, play it like no one ever thought they would want to hear it.

Multiple talents wanted for audition. If it didn't seem like something that, I have the nagging suspicion, would require me to wear face paint or, you know, something similarly retarded on a regular basis, I might be down. Even though, you know, that's a pretty big "might". Zombies have been saturating things lately and, frankly, I'd rather not jump on the bandwagon. (He said as he waited patiently for season three of The Walking Dead to come out whenever the hell that's supposed to happen.) Regular bookings desired pending audition and negotiation. Strong conceptual thinker with dedication to creativity is a must. Bring your ideas to the table.

Open auditions at xxxx N xxx St., Minneapolis MN 554xx Thursday 26 April 2012; 4pm-7pm.

Please bring resume, references and cover letter depicting your vision for joining XXXX concept. Sample material and photo to leave with management appreciated.



  • Location: Xxxxx Xxxx'x Xxxxxx Xxx
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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