31 December, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Just when I thought all the weirdos had retired to hybernation, they decide to blow one last load of shallow, misguided decision making all over their own faces before the year closes out. Take it away, weirdos!

Are you a STONER CHICK or need one??? (Highville)

THIS SONG WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO LOOK FOR IN FINDING A STONER CHICK!!! Why are you yelling? FOLLOW LINK IN THE PICTURE BELOW. The picture that leads us to believe that "stoner chicks" are essentially Suicide Girls in mismatched lingerie who have made the decision to forego basic hygiene in favor of converting their bathroom into a grow room.
Not at all like the "stoner chicks" I've met that... Wait.
Underwear doesn't match.
Poor hygiene.
OK, I just realized, as I type this, that I may have delfated my own joke. Shit.
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  • Location: Highville
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

doop boop da boop boop boop yeah! (Minnetonka)

doop boop da boop boop boop yeah!
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  • Location: Minnetonka
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

BreakDOWWNNNNnn!! (St. Paul)

my name is xxxx.. Hi, Xxxx! im 21 years old. I do vocals and i wanna jam.. i can do clean and Scream.. You can do clean and Scream. With a capital S. And the double verb. And your insistence upon two-period ellipses. Is English your second language? I have 6 years of experience. Of doing clean and scream? i also play guitar as an IDEA man. You- Wait. You... Play. Guitar. As... So, wait. You... Never mind. i have some of my stuff up on facebook.. hit me up if you play metal..
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I don't mean to be a dick (even though I totally do) but A) what's up with the two microphones? Is one for doing clean and the other for doing scream? And B) I went to high school with, like, twenty guys that looked exactly like this guy. So I guess it's nice that the nineties are coming back.
  • Location: St. Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Wanna be an Indie Rock Star? (Saint Paul)

Not particularly, no.

So do I. And it's time to make it fly! If you want to work with someone who has the knowledge, resources, skill and drive to succeed, look no further!!! I can't tell if what I'm feeling right now is a migraine or an aneurysm.

My band is about to release its first album and we are ready to launch ourselves into the Indie scene on both a local and national level. I am looking for a few musicians to replace members who need to focus on work and school.

Who am I?
I am an experienced and seasoned musician with a music degree Well, bully for you. You want a cookie? and a real fire under my bum to succeed. I am primarily a percussionist by trade, so I know all about rhythm and timbre and how much fun odd meters can be. Lil Jon What? BUT BUT, everybody, BUT. in this band, I am the singer/songwriter. That reminds me of a joke. What was the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote!" I play guitar and keys and I'm up front making eye contact with people in the audience, drawing them in and daring them to listen. Again: Lil Jon What? And they do. I'm going out to shows and meeting people. I'm networking my @$$ off You're an adult, sweety. You're allowed to say "ass" without having to go at sign-dollar sign-dollar sign. on Facebook and in person. I'm studying as much music as possible and honing my songwriting skills daily. I have great connections and know how to get what I want. My cellist/bassist is a good friend of mine and he's equally as driven to make it in music. He just took a year off of engineering school to focus on music and getting the band off the ground. So you basically convinced him to flush his education and, by extension, employable future down the toilet. We're ready to DO THIS!

What we do:
We are a powerful, dynamic and musical indie rock band with an array of influences from Blues to Eastern European to Salsa to Folk. SSSooo... World music?
We captivate audiences.
We perform passionate and dynamic original music with meaningful lyrics. Read: We rip off the Cranberries' "Zombie".
We maintain a professional attitude on and off stage, Read: No drinks. and we enjoy each other and appreciate our bond as musicians and as humans. You mean like this?
Oh, how I live being a hater.

Our goals as a band: And watch the fuck out of this. They got a timeline like Dignan's seventy five year plan from Bottle Rocket.
Release our album no later than March 2013 Doable.
Begin playing 2-6 shows per month and promote the hell out of our album Uh, shouldn't the album promote the show?
Summer 2013 - begin small localized tours (MN, IA, WI, ND, SD, etc) The Dakotas? You included the Dakotas? Shit, mofo, there's Fargo but that's about it and it's not even that exciting. (Although, full disclosure, I had a decent cheesesteak at a truckstop in Fargo, once.)
Fall 2014 - release EP and begin national tour I don't want to poo-poo on you because you do have a plan to work your ass off but, really. From Summer 2013 to Fall 2014, all you're doing is touring. And then you're going to start another tour. More power to you because, you know, you want to succeed and you want to put the effort in but, damn, I hope you have some breaks in there so nobody gets burnt out.
Winter 2014 - Begin working on 2nd full-lenth album I like full lenth albums. I like all the lenths.
Become rock stars

Currently we consist of the following:
Me - female lead vocalist/guitarist/keyboardist/songwriter/band-leader.
Cellist/bassist/back-up vocalist.

What we are replacing: (IS THIS YOU)????!!!!
Drummer/percussionist Absolutely not. My drum skills are laughable. Like Meg White playing AC/DC.
Violinist Nope.
Lead Guitarist If by "lead" you mean I never play a solo, then yes.

We will consider candidates who meet all of the following qualifications:
You are between the ages of 21 and 35 Hello.
You are a talented, confident and knowledgeable musician I can fake that.
You can learn written parts (sometimes) AND add your own creative parts (most of the time). I read music like most people read Aramaic.
You can play mixed/odd meters I learned some Soundgarden songs when I was younger, so I'm assuming so.
You have good stage presence and amble experience playing in front of audiences I have plenty of experience just amblin' along, yes.
You have professional gear Nope. and a professional attitude You're adorable.
You can play weeknight gigs. Bitch, please. I got bills to pay.
You can (and want to) tour. I can't but I'd love to.
You are willing to rehearse at least once per week. Sure.
You are passionate about making a living playing music. I am a jaded cynic on that subject.
You are willing to be a functional part of a whole and put in the time and effort it takes to make a living playing music. UUUhhh... No?
Ability to sing back-ups and/or play other instruments a HUGE bonus!

If this sounds reasonable to you and you are interested in being in a band that is going to make it, please inquire to hear some samples and set up an audition.

Thanks so much in advance! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Did you notice how not once in this ad did she identify her band?

  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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