10 December, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

This week, there were even more posts about the Red Sea but do we really want to keep going with that old back and forth? Of course not.

Xxxxxxxx Xxxx Xxxxx (looking for a drummer) (Saint Louis Park, Minnesota)

Xxxxxxxx Xxxx Xxxxx is one of Minneapolis' premiere TARDCORE bands, OK, first of all, "tardcore"? That's a thing? And secondly, not only is there a tardcore band out there, there are apparently multiple tardcore bands out there; further, this is just one of the premier ones. Apparently, this genre has different echelons. News. To fucking. Me. and we need a drummer. The band has been in existence in one form or another for the past 19 years. 2013 is the twentieth anniversary of the band. SSSooo... looks like we figured out why people think the world is ending next week.

We are only looking for someone who wants to play drums. Stands to reason; you said you were looking for a drummer. The concept of the band, the material, the direction of the band is set and will remain so. This is not a start up. We exist. That's a shame.

You cannot be easily offended by potty humor, I'm OK with it. sexual humor, I'm down with it. bad music, I'm out. naughty lyrics, Naughty as in five year olds cursing or naughty as in the back pages of a Lane Bryant catalog? or the fact that we are not very good. I'm out. You also cannot be offended over us using the word retard. Only if I get to say "faggot", "nigger", and "kyke" and tell you that you're not allowed to be offended by me using offensive epithets to refer to a particular group of people based on a defining trait they possess... which is exactly what the word "retard" is, you jackass. I am actually retarded, No, you're not. so I will use the word whenever I please. Well, you've been doing it for nearly twenty years, I assume nobody's going to get you to stop now.

This is a comedy rock and roll band Oh, ferfucksake. in the vein of Zappa, Captain Beefheart, The Butthole Surfers, and plenty of butt rock heavy metal. We would prefer a metal guy who has some chops, who is not going to be embarrassed to wear a stupid outfit, play in a stupid band, or have no direction. Wearing a stupid outfit and playing in a stupid band is totally the direction that I was looking to go in, too!

We practice for about 2 hours a week on Sunday afternoons between 2:00 and 4:00. We could probably start earlier but can't really end later. Everyone has lives, and it's only on the weekend that anyone has time to do much of anything, especially shows, so we try to keep things short and sweet. We don't like stress.

Here is a link to the band so that you know what you would be getting yourself into:

There was a link here. Now there isn't.

People who feel they fit the bill and would like to try can call me at xxx xxx xxxx or reply to this post. Practices will resume after the holidays.

Xxx Xxxxxxx

  • Location: Saint Louis Park, Minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Do you want to start a band? (Ally by garage)


U know how they talk about parallel universes? OOOhhh, Jesus, come on, man. Why can't people just post "Want to start a band?" ads with normal titles and follow through on not being clown shoes insane? Why? Why is it that every time I find a simply worded, straightforward ad title, the jackass posting it has to break my heart with some weird shit like this asshole is doing? I mean, really. He's talking about the fucking cosmos or something and he doesn't even have the goddamned courtesy to spell out the word "you". I just figured it out. What? That typing two extra letters wouldn't have hurt in the least? The parallel universes are time. Man, fuck you. We all have a core self...a soul...that stays with us through every universe. [pouting] Man, fuck this guy. Each universe is a chapter in our chronological lives. [still pouting] Stupid dickhead. And we change into someone else with each new chapter. It's our "parallel universe self". Uh, J.J. Abrams called. He wants seasons three and four of Fringe back. But as parallels...they all exist as one. Meaning, my 1978 self, and my 1993 self, and my 2012 self are all existing at the same time. I've never meant this more than when I say it now: You sound like a goddamned hippie. In different situations, different thoughts, different haircuts... Different haircuts? Really? You thought that was important enough to note? Time travel is actually traveling to these parallel universes. Well, let's see... I already made a J.J. Abrams joke and then I made the hippie joke... So, I think I'm about to do a bong joke or something, next. Which is actually the same as memories. So memories are time travel, which takes you to these other realities... OK, little buddy, it's time to put the bong down and go to bed; it's a quarter after eleven and somebody has a big day tomorrow. so what is boils down to, is, out brains can already travel to parallel universes. Uh, imagine much?

So, let me know if you want to start a band. No.
  • Location: Ally by garage
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

File under "Good, This Can't Be"

OBAMA imitators wanted (Mpls)

I am currently writing a parody of Gangam style Oh, for Pete's sake. titled "Barack Obama Style." It's already worse. It's a joke song No shit? that plays on likable as well as dissatisfactory aspects of our President.

If you or anyone you know SOUNDS (for the song) or LOOKS (for the video) like OBAMA, please refer them to me!

Mitt Romney Style Wait, what? generated roughly 25 million views in a matter of weeks. You mean you - OK, so that's an assumption, sorry. But still. There's a "Mitt Romney Style"?
Fucking YouTube.

Barack Obama Style would surely generate many views, as it plays off of the popularity of Gangam style, Oh, you think? as well as the love/hate that is shrouded around Obama.

If you want to be famous, For all of the wrong reasons. and you sound like or physically resemble Obama, call or text

(xxx) xxx-xxxx

Or e-mail xxxxxxx@gmail.com
  • Location: Mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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