31 December, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Just when I thought all the weirdos had retired to hybernation, they decide to blow one last load of shallow, misguided decision making all over their own faces before the year closes out. Take it away, weirdos!

Are you a STONER CHICK or need one??? (Highville)


Date: 
 
THIS SONG WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO LOOK FOR IN FINDING A STONER CHICK!!! Why are you yelling? FOLLOW LINK IN THE PICTURE BELOW. The picture that leads us to believe that "stoner chicks" are essentially Suicide Girls in mismatched lingerie who have made the decision to forego basic hygiene in favor of converting their bathroom into a grow room.
Not at all like the "stoner chicks" I've met that... Wait.
Tattoos.
Underwear doesn't match.
Poor hygiene.
OK, I just realized, as I type this, that I may have delfated my own joke. Shit.
 
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  • Location: Highville
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

doop boop da boop boop boop yeah! (Minnetonka)


Date: 
 
doop boop da boop boop boop yeah!
 
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  • Location: Minnetonka
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

BreakDOWWNNNNnn!! (St. Paul)


Date: 
 
my name is xxxx.. Hi, Xxxx! im 21 years old. I do vocals and i wanna jam.. i can do clean and Scream.. You can do clean and Scream. With a capital S. And the double verb. And your insistence upon two-period ellipses. Is English your second language? I have 6 years of experience. Of doing clean and scream? i also play guitar as an IDEA man. You- Wait. You... Play. Guitar. As... So, wait. You... Never mind. i have some of my stuff up on facebook.. hit me up if you play metal..
 
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I don't mean to be a dick (even though I totally do) but A) what's up with the two microphones? Is one for doing clean and the other for doing scream? And B) I went to high school with, like, twenty guys that looked exactly like this guy. So I guess it's nice that the nineties are coming back.
  • Location: St. Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

Wanna be an Indie Rock Star? (Saint Paul)

Not particularly, no.

Date: 
 
So do I. And it's time to make it fly! If you want to work with someone who has the knowledge, resources, skill and drive to succeed, look no further!!! I can't tell if what I'm feeling right now is a migraine or an aneurysm.

My band is about to release its first album and we are ready to launch ourselves into the Indie scene on both a local and national level. I am looking for a few musicians to replace members who need to focus on work and school.

Who am I?
I am an experienced and seasoned musician with a music degree Well, bully for you. You want a cookie? and a real fire under my bum to succeed. I am primarily a percussionist by trade, so I know all about rhythm and timbre and how much fun odd meters can be. Lil Jon What? BUT BUT, everybody, BUT. in this band, I am the singer/songwriter. That reminds me of a joke. What was the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote!" I play guitar and keys and I'm up front making eye contact with people in the audience, drawing them in and daring them to listen. Again: Lil Jon What? And they do. I'm going out to shows and meeting people. I'm networking my @$$ off You're an adult, sweety. You're allowed to say "ass" without having to go at sign-dollar sign-dollar sign. on Facebook and in person. I'm studying as much music as possible and honing my songwriting skills daily. I have great connections and know how to get what I want. My cellist/bassist is a good friend of mine and he's equally as driven to make it in music. He just took a year off of engineering school to focus on music and getting the band off the ground. So you basically convinced him to flush his education and, by extension, employable future down the toilet. We're ready to DO THIS!

What we do:
We are a powerful, dynamic and musical indie rock band with an array of influences from Blues to Eastern European to Salsa to Folk. SSSooo... World music?
We captivate audiences.
We perform passionate and dynamic original music with meaningful lyrics. Read: We rip off the Cranberries' "Zombie".
We maintain a professional attitude on and off stage, Read: No drinks. and we enjoy each other and appreciate our bond as musicians and as humans. You mean like this?
We are career-oriented and intend to make a living playing original music. AAAnnnddd... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA!
Oh, how I live being a hater.


Our goals as a band: And watch the fuck out of this. They got a timeline like Dignan's seventy five year plan from Bottle Rocket.
Release our album no later than March 2013 Doable.
Begin playing 2-6 shows per month and promote the hell out of our album Uh, shouldn't the album promote the show?
Summer 2013 - begin small localized tours (MN, IA, WI, ND, SD, etc) The Dakotas? You included the Dakotas? Shit, mofo, there's Fargo but that's about it and it's not even that exciting. (Although, full disclosure, I had a decent cheesesteak at a truckstop in Fargo, once.)
Fall 2014 - release EP and begin national tour I don't want to poo-poo on you because you do have a plan to work your ass off but, really. From Summer 2013 to Fall 2014, all you're doing is touring. And then you're going to start another tour. More power to you because, you know, you want to succeed and you want to put the effort in but, damn, I hope you have some breaks in there so nobody gets burnt out.
Winter 2014 - Begin working on 2nd full-lenth album I like full lenth albums. I like all the lenths.
Become rock stars
???
Profit.


Currently we consist of the following:
Me - female lead vocalist/guitarist/keyboardist/songwriter/band-leader.
Cellist/bassist/back-up vocalist.

What we are replacing: (IS THIS YOU)????!!!!
Drummer/percussionist Absolutely not. My drum skills are laughable. Like Meg White playing AC/DC.
Violinist Nope.
Lead Guitarist If by "lead" you mean I never play a solo, then yes.

We will consider candidates who meet all of the following qualifications:
You are between the ages of 21 and 35 Hello.
You are a talented, confident and knowledgeable musician I can fake that.
You can learn written parts (sometimes) AND add your own creative parts (most of the time). I read music like most people read Aramaic.
You can play mixed/odd meters I learned some Soundgarden songs when I was younger, so I'm assuming so.
You have good stage presence and amble experience playing in front of audiences I have plenty of experience just amblin' along, yes.
You have professional gear Nope. and a professional attitude You're adorable.
You can play weeknight gigs. Bitch, please. I got bills to pay.
You can (and want to) tour. I can't but I'd love to.
You are willing to rehearse at least once per week. Sure.
You are passionate about making a living playing music. I am a jaded cynic on that subject.
You are willing to be a functional part of a whole and put in the time and effort it takes to make a living playing music. UUUhhh... No?
Ability to sing back-ups and/or play other instruments a HUGE bonus!

If this sounds reasonable to you and you are interested in being in a band that is going to make it, please inquire to hear some samples and set up an audition.

Thanks so much in advance! Looking forward to hearing from you!

Did you notice how not once in this ad did she identify her band?

  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

Today's "OK, really?"

I mean, really? Really?
And, no, I'm not trying to rip off "REALLY?!? with Seth" from Weekend Update. I just saw this Google search result and thought, "OK, really?"

26 December, 2012

Prince Buys Tortillas

24 December, 2012

Your weekly musician's ad.

OK, for real. How was I not going to pick this one?

Legless Drummer (Minneapolis)

I mean, really.

Date: 
Very experienced drummer without legs here. You have my full and undivided attention. What I can do with the rest of my limbs will surprise you! I really want this to be a "that's what she said" moment but I'm way more curious about dude playing drums with no legs. I mean, does he just do bongos and congas and shit or does he have some wonky Def Leppard-esque contraption? Looking to jam or form band with musicians who can accept me for who I am.. Easy there, Trigger, it's not like this is some chick flick where you're looking to get your sister with Down Syndrome a prom date. Here is a demo ! of my drum solo... ! Thank you and God Bless!

And the disappointment of the century? His videos are just him demoing drum machines. This is as big a let down as when Ralphie found out that Little Orphan Annie's secret message was nothing but an Ovaltine commercial.
Wow.
That actually kind of makes this a Xmas post.
  • Location: Minneapolis
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PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

17 December, 2012

Your weekly musician's ad.

This is one of those instances where there's nothing to make fun; it's actually pretty cool. I'm not saying I'm into renaissance festivals or any of that shit where you have to speak in olde English and when you go to the beer tent you have to barter for a stein of mead instead of just buying a goddamned beer. Yeah, that shit aint my style. But motherfucking pyrotechnic shows with women dressed like medieval bier huren?
You have my undivided attention for at least five minutes.
ANYhoo, if anybody is into these sorts of shenanigans and can play hand drums, this ad is for them. Again, I'm not anonymizing this so that serious folks can reply. Please don't be dicks.

Hand Drummer for Fire Troupe (MN Renaissance Festival)


Date: 
 spvvq-3477201916@comm.craigslist.org[?]
Fandazzi Fire Circus is looking for a hand drummer and percussionist to write and perform music for the 2013 MN Renaissance Festival Season. Writing would begin ASAP.
We are a local fire and live music troupe from the twin cities looking to augment our sound with a dedicated drummer.
Please check us out at www.fandazzi.com
And check out our music https://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/fandazzi/id302886717
 
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  • Location: MN Renaissance Festival
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PostingID:3477201916

10 December, 2012

This is the best thing ever this week.

Ben from Methodist shared this snippet of Love and Rockets on Facebook today. And it's pretty great.

Don't tell me that you don't get the reference.

Your weekly musicians' ads.

This week, there were even more posts about the Red Sea but do we really want to keep going with that old back and forth? Of course not.

Xxxxxxxx Xxxx Xxxxx (looking for a drummer) (Saint Louis Park, Minnesota)


Date: 
 
Xxxxxxxx Xxxx Xxxxx is one of Minneapolis' premiere TARDCORE bands, OK, first of all, "tardcore"? That's a thing? And secondly, not only is there a tardcore band out there, there are apparently multiple tardcore bands out there; further, this is just one of the premier ones. Apparently, this genre has different echelons. News. To fucking. Me. and we need a drummer. The band has been in existence in one form or another for the past 19 years. 2013 is the twentieth anniversary of the band. SSSooo... looks like we figured out why people think the world is ending next week.

We are only looking for someone who wants to play drums. Stands to reason; you said you were looking for a drummer. The concept of the band, the material, the direction of the band is set and will remain so. This is not a start up. We exist. That's a shame.

You cannot be easily offended by potty humor, I'm OK with it. sexual humor, I'm down with it. bad music, I'm out. naughty lyrics, Naughty as in five year olds cursing or naughty as in the back pages of a Lane Bryant catalog? or the fact that we are not very good. I'm out. You also cannot be offended over us using the word retard. Only if I get to say "faggot", "nigger", and "kyke" and tell you that you're not allowed to be offended by me using offensive epithets to refer to a particular group of people based on a defining trait they possess... which is exactly what the word "retard" is, you jackass. I am actually retarded, No, you're not. so I will use the word whenever I please. Well, you've been doing it for nearly twenty years, I assume nobody's going to get you to stop now.

This is a comedy rock and roll band Oh, ferfucksake. in the vein of Zappa, Captain Beefheart, The Butthole Surfers, and plenty of butt rock heavy metal. We would prefer a metal guy who has some chops, who is not going to be embarrassed to wear a stupid outfit, play in a stupid band, or have no direction. Wearing a stupid outfit and playing in a stupid band is totally the direction that I was looking to go in, too!

We practice for about 2 hours a week on Sunday afternoons between 2:00 and 4:00. We could probably start earlier but can't really end later. Everyone has lives, and it's only on the weekend that anyone has time to do much of anything, especially shows, so we try to keep things short and sweet. We don't like stress.

Here is a link to the band so that you know what you would be getting yourself into:

There was a link here. Now there isn't.

People who feel they fit the bill and would like to try can call me at xxx xxx xxxx or reply to this post. Practices will resume after the holidays.

Xxx Xxxxxxx

  • Location: Saint Louis Park, Minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

Do you want to start a band? (Ally by garage)

OK.

Date: 
 
U know how they talk about parallel universes? OOOhhh, Jesus, come on, man. Why can't people just post "Want to start a band?" ads with normal titles and follow through on not being clown shoes insane? Why? Why is it that every time I find a simply worded, straightforward ad title, the jackass posting it has to break my heart with some weird shit like this asshole is doing? I mean, really. He's talking about the fucking cosmos or something and he doesn't even have the goddamned courtesy to spell out the word "you". I just figured it out. What? That typing two extra letters wouldn't have hurt in the least? The parallel universes are time. Man, fuck you. We all have a core self...a soul...that stays with us through every universe. [pouting] Man, fuck this guy. Each universe is a chapter in our chronological lives. [still pouting] Stupid dickhead. And we change into someone else with each new chapter. It's our "parallel universe self". Uh, J.J. Abrams called. He wants seasons three and four of Fringe back. But as parallels...they all exist as one. Meaning, my 1978 self, and my 1993 self, and my 2012 self are all existing at the same time. I've never meant this more than when I say it now: You sound like a goddamned hippie. In different situations, different thoughts, different haircuts... Different haircuts? Really? You thought that was important enough to note? Time travel is actually traveling to these parallel universes. Well, let's see... I already made a J.J. Abrams joke and then I made the hippie joke... So, I think I'm about to do a bong joke or something, next. Which is actually the same as memories. So memories are time travel, which takes you to these other realities... OK, little buddy, it's time to put the bong down and go to bed; it's a quarter after eleven and somebody has a big day tomorrow. so what is boils down to, is, out brains can already travel to parallel universes. Uh, imagine much?

So, let me know if you want to start a band. No.
  • Location: Ally by garage
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PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

File under "Good, This Can't Be"

OBAMA imitators wanted (Mpls)


Date: 
 
I am currently writing a parody of Gangam style Oh, for Pete's sake. titled "Barack Obama Style." It's already worse. It's a joke song No shit? that plays on likable as well as dissatisfactory aspects of our President.

If you or anyone you know SOUNDS (for the song) or LOOKS (for the video) like OBAMA, please refer them to me!

Mitt Romney Style Wait, what? generated roughly 25 million views in a matter of weeks. You mean you - OK, so that's an assumption, sorry. But still. There's a "Mitt Romney Style"?
...
...
...
Fucking YouTube.


Barack Obama Style would surely generate many views, as it plays off of the popularity of Gangam style, Oh, you think? as well as the love/hate that is shrouded around Obama.

If you want to be famous, For all of the wrong reasons. and you sound like or physically resemble Obama, call or text

(xxx) xxx-xxxx

Or e-mail xxxxxxx@gmail.com
  • Location: Mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

08 December, 2012

Recent Love (Broken Hearts and Stereos Edition)

Control, Longino, K
Well, for starters, I turned off Miles Davis's Bitches Brew in the middle of "Pharaoh's Dance" to start this record and I'll tell you this much, it was like I flipped over to "Pharaoh's Dance II" or something.
This is the third installment in Control's trilogy of EPs wherein they collaborate with a (I think) local visual artist and, hey, I'm a dick: I slept on this one; when it showed up in my inbox, Thanksgiving was right around the corner. Then I was all goddamned head over heels for this one bird who didn't reciprocate the sentiment. Then my stereo died. But now everything is AOK: The holiday is over (thank fuck), the aforementioned bird has left for NYC (thank fuck), and I have a brand new stereo (thank fuck). It is on said brand new stereo that I'm listening to Longino, K and it sounds a bajillion times better than it would have on that old POS I was using for the last six years. By the powers of transitive properties or whatever the hell the phrase is, that means that this review should be a hell of a lot better than my last Control review. I wouldn't put money on that prediction though, certainly not if anybody read my predictions for the Boardwalk Empire season finale at the discussion forum I frequent.
ANYHOO, the record opens with "Popular Music from the Birthplace of Humanity" which itself opens with a drum intro that will be on your sampling to-do list immediately after hearing it and then a brief rest and then we move on into the Miles Davis territory. It then moves into the darker, more bed-time moves of "Same Clothes Same Time" which begins a little on the funky side for a few bars and then says "fuck it" and gets down right sleazy, occupying the space between Joy Division's romanticism and Led Zeppelin's raunch. For real, it's a little late to call it for 2012, so "Same Clothes Same Time" is going to have to be the opener on your 2013 Get-Down Jams mix CD or playlist or whatever people do these days. I mean, me? I was going to burn this bird a copy of Marquee Moon before she left for NYC. I figured that's what you do when you're an idiot and hold out hope for something that has already expressly been categorized under "not going to happen". But you know what? That's OK. Daddy Charlie don't need women no more, Daddy Charlie has a new 270W shit-hell-piss-off stereo and a six-pack of Heineken and a freezer full of biała kielbasas and he's just sittin' right the fuck pretty right now, aint he? That's how Daddy Charlie is livin'.
Wait.
I'm supposed to be reviewing a record right now.
So, yeah, "Same Clothes Same Time". That's your assigned listening, mon petit illiterati.
"RE - I'm Freaking" takes an excursion into old school dub reggae for about a minute, which is a little scary because it kind of starts like regular reggae which I am not into. I like dub reggae, the old cuts by Lee Scratch Perry and Scientist. I know it's probably sacrilege to say this next bit, but I prefer Scientist over Perry and I've never heard King Tubby. So, full disclosure, there's a good chance that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about with dub reggae. If you dig the old, over the top, dripping wet analog delay sounds of those old records, "RE - I'm Freaking" is your jam. If all you're into is some Sublime bullshit and you stopped your exploration of reggae at the Bob Marley best-of that you downloaded from the iTunes store, "RE - I'm Freaking" is going to be either a wake up call or a turn off for you. The last minute of the song reminds me a bit of Javelins in a way. Overall, though, it is killer amalgamation of reggae and indie rock, a successful combination of the elements of each genre without being a hokey stylization or "genre tune".
Remember when Social Distortion covered "Ring of Fire"? (Or was that just Mike Ness?) "RE - I'm Freaking" isn't like that. Where Social D played a country tune with fuzzboxes, Control are taking the essential elements of the two styles they are propose to meld and make a happy little cohabitation between them. This is almost the winning track on the record. Almost. The first little "chik-chik" reggae guitar sounds don't do anything for me until the delay sounds come in.
"Horn", however? Hot rats, this is the winner. It's aggressive without being angry. Masculine without being macho. Bombast without pomp. Also? It's unfortunately the shortest song on the record, clocking in at just a little over 2m39s. Half the instrumental bands out there would probably give a nut to have a gem like this in their catalog and Control are all like, "Pfft, watch how little we give a damn," and kill it after two and a half minutes. That's a pisser, I guess, but it's one of those things: Sure, everybody complains that Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" (three minutes) doesn't last nearly long enough. Motörhead's "Ace of Spades" (two minutes, fifty seconds) doesn't last nearly as long as it should. Led Zeppelin's "Communication Breakdown" (two and a half minutes) needs to be longer. Ramones's "Judy is a Punk" (one and a half minutes)? Not long enough. But songs like those? What the hell would happen if they were longer? You need short songs. You need those little blissful moments. Fang's "The Money Will Roll Right In" (two and a half minutes), Fear's "Camarillo" (one minute), the list not only goes on, it now includes Control's "Horn" as one of those songs that needs to last longer but if it did wouldn't make it any better.
Is there anything this record lacks? Well, it's kind of a thinking person's record. There are visceral moments, sure. It has its jazz freak outs (of the best kind, mind you), it has its sleazy fuck moments, it has it's recontextualizations of genres... But the last song is the closest thing to a real fist-pumper. You're not going to slam dance to this record but you're not going to talk over it, either. I think maybe the best application for this record is with friends, after the bars are all closed and the conversation has run out but the fun is still in the air and somebody has a joint of some good shit for a change. It's three in the morning, you're all half-blitzed, there are a few cold ones left in the fridge, and you've got a jay and a copy of Longino, K. Put it on, put it on repeat. By the third listen, you'll probably start talking about space.
That is not a bad thing.

05 December, 2012

Remember how we used to talk about geeky math shit all of the time?

Tonight, I rearranged my pedals. My stereo died tonight (I have since dropped some bank on Amazon for a new one) and I had some cables freed up.
Because I'm still working on KRAKOA stuff while also working on stuff with Chad from Reverb Bomb, I needed to get some things put together, gear-wise. The idea with the as-yet-unnamed band Chad and I are doing is to make the guitar not sound like a guitar and to do something creepy / spooky. Well, since the easiest way to alter a guitar's sound is with pedals, I'm rolling with those. The issue I have is that I know the fuzz comes first and the delay comes last, but how do I arrange the ring modulator and the octave divider?
For a quick refresher on what these two pedals do, an octave divider adds a signal one and, in most cases, also two octaves down from the signal you put into it and a ring modulator employs an oscillator whose frequency is added and subtracted from the signal you put into it. Essentially, what I'm doing is drastically changing the pitch that comes out of my guitar. I just have to figure out what order I'm going to do it in.
So I put together this handy little chart, because you so give a shit, to outline my decision making process. Again, for the newbies, 440Hz is A (as is 220Hz [octave down] and 880Hz [octave up]) and 330Hz is the E below 440 A (165Hz [octave down] and 660Hz [octave up] are also E). I'm just using these numbers for some easy math.
Signal (in Hz)Effect 1Effect 2
Octave Divider in front of Ring Modulator440Octave Divider
440, 220
Ring Modulator @ 330Hz
440, 770 & 110, 550 & -110
Ring Modulator in front of Octave Divider440Ring Modulator @ 330
440, 770 & 110
Octave Divider
440, 770 & 110, 385 & 55
The results? The octave divider in front of the ring modulator sounded both muffled and garbled. For real, that shit was useless junk. OK, maybe that's going too far but it had no definition to it, it just sounded like moof. However, with the ring mod in front of the octave divider, I retained brightness in my signal and got some interesting distortion artifacts. There's no technical way to put this so allow me some colorful language: It could, during long, sustained notes, sound like an intermittent death rattle; very glitchy yet retaining the fundamental of the note with the appropriate amount of high-end information.
Either way, I play one note and get four more added to it.

Prince Battles Depression

03 December, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

This is a thing. That happened.

The Red Sea Is looking for New Bands (The RED SEA)


Date: 

Looking for NEW original bands to play, specifically Punk, Indie, Metal, Rock. Be young and hungry!, bring a bunch of people and you will get paid. All ages of musicians are welcome. If you arent going to get your friends, parents and friends parents to come check you out - dont bother. That's a little harsh but, OK, maybe you're new to marketing.

We have many weekdays available in Decemeber - but they are filling up fast - hit me up.
  • Location: The RED SEA
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

Re: The Red Sea Is looking for New Bands (The RED SEA) (Out and About)


Date: 

Weeknights at the Red Sea? Is this for bands who think the Terminal Bar is too classy? Am I supposed to go "oh, snap" to that or something?
  • Location: Out and About
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

Re: The Red Sea Is looking for New Bands (Cedar Riverside)


Date: 
Reply to: see below

"If you expect the bands to do your promotion for you and if you don't have regular patrons who will support your bar and the bands you book and DON'T PAY - don't bother."

"If you arent going to get your friends, parents and friends parents to come check you out - dont bother."
  • Location: Cedar Riverside
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

RE: RE: The Red Sea (All Over)


Date: 
Reply to: see below

I find it humorous that people who play in original bands actually expect to get paid without doing any leg work. If you want that go join a cover band. The red sea puts an ad in city pages and thats way more than most jaded original bands do for promotion. Yeah, it's not at all like there are a bunch of twenty somethings who own staple guns for the sole purpose of putting up fliers! Bands don't at all go out and hustle to every light post and campus bulletin board, send their CD-Rs to college stations, or send out mass emails to their friends or anything like that. That doesn't ever happen. It takes 20 people to pay the sound guy. Does it? Does it really? Another 8 to pay the person sitting at the door (who usually is the promoter You mean the guy who thought his job began and ended with putting an ad in the City Pages? and usually gets stiffed and ends up sitting there the whole night for nothing because some certain original bands only draw 3 people because they dont hustle. The promoter gets stiffed? The promoter? Are you fucking shitting me? You're telling me that the promoter gets fucking stiffed.
Jesus ice-cold Christ, that's rich.


Face it people it's Minneapolis, and nobody cares about the music you wrote unless you hustle and make it happen for your self Good talk, Dad. - we are not running any type of scam. We are actually providing a stage for new original bands to play. I know those of you that have been around the block are too good for this venue - but for bands just coming out of the garage it is an opportunity to get started and get your name out there and hopefully their dreams come true Excuse me? and they do it the entrepreneurial "American" way, What? by themselves.

So sorry if my call out for new bands offended you grizzled vetrens who expect to be paid even if you only bring your wife and two friends.
  • Location: All Over
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

RE: RE: RE: The Red Sea


Date: 

Do you guys still employ child molesters?
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:xxxxxxxxxx

RE: RE: The Red Sea (All Over) (NW MPLS.)


Date: 

"I find it humorous that people who play in original bands actually expect to get paid without doing any leg work."

Uhmm, last time I looked it's your venue that bands are playing at. What this means is that it's ALL you. PERIOD! Uh, wait a minute, guy. This is not a black and white thing here.

If you have a halfway decent venue and have decent food, drinks, and bands play on a regular basis, there's no need for the proverbial "legwork", as you call it. Granted bands should always be in self-promotion mode, That's reasonable. but it should not be a pre-requsite in order to play your venue. It is neither ethical or even moral to expect a band to be advertising for YOU and providing a financial safety net for you regardless if they're well known, unknown,indie,cover, original or whatever. While I agree with you, I don't think the guy posting on behalf of the Red Sea said anything to that effect. Or did I miss something?

Most Venues have a screening process and know, who it is, that they're hiring to play ahead of time and have vetted the band enough to know that they're for real and present a professional front with good song sets. Uh, what? I've never had that happen. The food and also the drinks should be a draw ON THEIR OWN! Wait a minute, guy. Are you talking about playing at Famous Dave's or something? It is reasonable therefore...with that protocol, that decent bands are going to enter thier doors to entertain and ...decent food and drink will be served and customers know this as well. Uh, last time I went to see a show, I didn't give a shit about the menu. It's a classic case of,"rip offs are not a part of the market, because bad wares are not sold." The venues do what the common sense business would do to insure that "good wares" in the form of drinks, eats AND music are thier staple product.

Now, at this point, I must apologize if I have offended you. But to keep the market stable, even and viable, NO BAND SHOULD EVER PLAY FOR FREE...even if they're just getting a free bar tab, they should at least be getting SOMETHING. Musicians, on the whole, have sacrificed to be where they are just as you have, they should not have to act as an ad agency to insure your bottom line. Go price out instruments, rehearsal time, creating demos etc. It adds up my friend. Every venue owner should be REQUIRED TO DO THAT! What fucking planet are you transmitting from where horses grow that high? If they did, I'm sure they would think twice before asking musicians to play free or verify thier worth. Motherfucker, that's the third time. It's spelled T H E I R. E then I. You're a grown-ass adult. Start spelling like one.

If you have run into a band that is lazy,and I know very few who are, they are NOT the norm, but it is usually a given that the venue that has paved the way for their own success and the "entertainment" is an add-on... not their means of support. Why do I have no idea what the fuck that last sentence means? On the other hand, if you would like to come to my house party and pour wine and beer for free and if the clientelel at my establishment like you ...they can pay or not, after all.... you ARE getting the opportunity to present your wares to an unknown crowd, you should be grateful. Cheers.
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RE: RE: RE: The Red Sea (ChoMoville)


Date: 

Not just any, you have to lock your victim in a dog kennel first!
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Rerererererere Red Sea (West Skank)


Date: 

My band played at the Red Sea a couple years ago. It sucked. The place has zero built in crowd. Both times I went to the Red Sea, once for my friend's band, Not Cool Zeus, and the other time for the Hairdresser's band, the place was pretty hopping. Calling it a dive is way too generous. Not really, it's actually pretty accurate.
It is a first time sorta place to play. Like the person you lose your virginity to. You think you're in love up until it happens and then afterward you feel kind of ooky about the whole thing. Don't expect to draw any crowd, don't expect to get paid. Also a lot like losing your virginity. Play it once and move on to the Terminal Bar (which is alright in my book...glad Flem was able to reopen the place). Then move on to other venues (if you have some well known hipster types in your band that are in more popular bands too...thus getting radio play, press, etc...). Then take over the galdanged world you little dreamers! Fly, fly away...
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RE:RED SEA (St. Paul/Mpls./Anoka)


Date: 

I can't believe there are afew douche bags responding on craig's list to DEFEND the venue! WTF! NO WONDER the music scene is dying in the metro! The music scene is not dying, dicktit, quit overreacting. People have been posting about a dead or otherwise dying music scene since I moved here seven years ago. It's not dying, you just didn't get famous. ANY decent band that has rehearsed enough and equiped themselves through acquisition of gear and skills and has the confidence to play... should NEVER and I mean NEVER agree to play even a hole in the wall bar without SOME form of compensation. Good talk, Dad.

A few of you who have responded to these ads GET IT. You definitely understand if musicians agree to sell themselves for NOTHING, they reap, you guessed it...NOTHING! To the rest of you...you seriously are the ones making it hard to hold venues to any kind of standard. If you recognize that your talent and contribution as a musician/band has value, then you are under an obligation to ALL musicians to demand compensation for that value. Fuck you, aint nobody obligated to nobody for shit. If a band wants to play for free, they have every right to play for free. I bet you're one of those weird motherfuckers that hated Napster. Otherwise we all might just as well be spinning disks as a DJ. Or...in the case of Red Sea...listen to a juke box. Is there something wrong with a jukebox?

To anyone that defends venues, here you go again, as you obviously did not listen earlier when this was posted...if you would like to come to my house party and pour wine and beer for FREE Oh, it's you again. and if the clientelel Why is it that I'm not surprised that you misspelled the same word the same way? at my establishment like you ...they can pay or not, after all.... you ARE getting the opportunity to present your wares to an unknown crowd, you should be grateful. This logic is rational and criticism proof and yet some will still ignore this or write it off. Let me ask all you clowns who oppose this idea....when was the last time you saw a doctor GIVE away anything, I don't know, like in the Red Cross, Doctors without Borders, at sliding scale clinics in impoverished urban centers. how about a dentist I'm sure that there are just as many volunteer dentists as there are doctors, they just don't get the same press. or a hairdresser, I have dated a hairdresser (not "the Hairdresser") who cut her friends hair. Chef, Hello. or how about a nurse perform biopsy and blood tests free.... See the part with the doctor. jeeeeze what has to be done to get through to you people!
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Re...eeee.... Red Sea (minneapolis)


Date: 

Ya know....Iv've played the Red Sea before.....I recall we played on a Friday night and got a $1 per head who paid at the door....seemed fair....we pulled about 90 people......sold 25 CDs at $10, 2 Vinyl at $20,, each band member had two drink tickets, Wait wait wait... only two drink tickets?
...
...
...
Fuck this place.
we met other bands we could join up with in the future, had a great sound mix from the board, and had a great time. Total we walked away with about $400 divided by four...each of us had $100 in our pockets. We practiced probably 50 hours before the show so at the end of the day we made about $2 per hour. For real? That's how you see it? That would be fine...except we had to pay for the pesky rehearsal space $400. How much did we make ...ZIP. No. You made four hundred dollars. Turns out that you had four hundred dollars in expenses. So you did make a profit of four hundred dollars but netted zero. It's called accounting, guy, and you're talking to the guy that loves to do his own taxes. (By the way, if any of y'all need help with your taxes this year, I'll help you out for fifty bucks.) Would I do it again...hell yes. Would I play there if there was no pay to the band from the club directly. Sure. Life is about living not money. You sound like a goddamned hippie so it pains me to actually agree with you.
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Red Sea posts (Everywhere)


Date: 
Reply to: see below

Lots of noise about the Red Sea post. Understandable of course.

First of all, the pay to play thing Am I missing something? Are posts getting deleted because I'm pretty sure that nobody's said shit about the pay-to-play model. is not very popular and unfortunately, young bands get sucked into the scam because they want to play gigs. Understandable. But not reasonable. MyAfton and Gorilla productions made it a national scam and therefore, places like The Red Sea and other venues who are desperate think they can apply the same model. For real, what am I missing? Doesn't work like that. A venue advertising on Craigslist needs to serious consider their business model and wake up a little.

Selling tickets to a show is not out of the question. But, the way it works is you get to keep at least half of the ticket sales. The venues depend on their money from sales of alcohol Thank you. or by ticket sales from more popular bands. Bands used to negotiate a percentage of the door, but those days are gone due to the economy and all the scams out there. So, selling some tickets is not a band thing unless you only get a buck a ticket.

The Fine Line's model is very reasonable for starter bands, for example. You play a show case night, usually a Monday or Tuesday and invite everyone you can. Free entry, if you bring in more than 15 people you get a little money, not much, but the more you bring in, the more you get. The risk is that they expect people to drink a little so they can make a few bucks. If you draw, you get a better slot next time. What the Red Sea is attempting to do is something between what First Ave does adding a bit of Afton and Gorilla to it. The problem is it simply does not work that way and bands get burned one way or another. The death of the music scene Again, the scene is not dead. is due to the scamming and greed. More venues need to start looking at business models such as The Fine Line.

Starter bands are what is called an "opening act". No shit? A term that has been around for a long time. Well, thanks for the heads up, Wikipedia editor! If an opening act does well, they progress. Why, I simply had no idea that that was how it worked. Oh, shit! Really. Now that explains everything. No wonder I was getting blown on stage at Wembley Stadium when I was fourteen. Here I thought that shit was automatic and it turns out that a band has to work for it. Here I thought I was doing something wrong but it turns out that that really is the natural order of things. Venues also need to promote the bands. The problem is that most of these sub standard venues wanting bands to sell tickets in advance do not advertise. They expect the band to do it all. Kind of stupid since it is extremely cheap to put up a few posters. The problem with the Red Sea is the location It's got an OK location. But just OK. I mean, it's West Bank, which is pretty cool. and no many quality customers want to go there.

What they need to do is quit bitching and BS'ing people though. I know of a few bands that have been called at the last minute to play the next day and they wanted them to sell tickets to do so. Oh, really? Right, like you can sell enough tickets in less than a day, all while trying to get your band together for a last minute gig. No shit. If you call them on it, they get offensive and hang up on you. Not very good business protocol. There is place in the music market for The Red Sea, they simply need to look at their business model and start consulting people who understand the music business, marketing and how the younger starter bands work. Its not rocket science. The main clue for anyone is if a venue is advertising on Craigslist, well, that should be enough said......

Good luck Red Sea, hope you get your business model fixed and are able to help the musicians out their looking for a break.
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Re: Red Sea whiners and jerks. (Self Important City)


Date: 

This is awesome Craigslist stuff here. These back and forth ranty threads always end up with people using it as an excuse to brag about themselves and all the things they "know". Although, to tell the truth I love it all. I love the bitchy unprofessional posts by the venue worker. I love the instigating one liners about the child molester (Which are actually true, !? by the way). I love staunch opinions about how things ought to be and how they were better at one time. I love the idea that the music scene is being crushed by a law that was passed in 1986. You see? Again, some posts must have gotten flagged and deleted because I haven't read shit about 1986. I love name calling in the posts that always end with something like "I hope I didn't offend" or "Have a nice day". These are especially good because they're a perfect example of Minnesota passive aggressiveness. These are great examples to show your out of state friends what life is like here. I know, right? The vast majority of my audience is from out-of-state. They slurp this shit up.

So I guess this is kind of a rave. Please keep up the dialogue, reading your outpourings has turned into a guilty pleasure of mine. I'm right there with you, boo. Not that I give a shit what some stranger on the internet has to say, but your rants say quite a bit about what kind of person you are. And that is fascinating. It's why I started posting these dumb fucks six years ago.
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Re: Red Sea (Metro)


Date: 

I can't believe the long drawn out posts with perfect grammar striving to get a point across. If you word it just right it might be believable. I've been doing this for a long time.If you keep givin it away, there wont be anywhere to play. In the last 25 years we have lost 80% of our music venues. Really? You mean to tell me that four out of every five music venues have shuttered their doors since then? That for every one venue we presently have, in 1987 there were five? That there were four hundred percent more venues twenty five years ago. Literally taking the number of clubs we presently have and multiplying that number by fucking five. You expect me to believe that? Most of the really great players that had something to say have quit. I'm am not giving it a way to a bar owner that doesn't know how to run his biz! 98% of club owners want you to do their job! You sure do love the percentages. That's getting people in their bar. Think about it for one minute. If you are from Maple Grove, How are you going to get anybody to drive to S.St. Paul? I don't know. Try establishing a presence in Maple Grove and South Saint Paul so that your fans don't have to commute? I mean, do bands from from LA bitch about not having an instant crowd during their first show in San Diego? The band from NYC that's never played in Buffalo, do they figure that they're just going to walk into a packed room their first time? Be patient. Build a presence. Also? Move the fuck out of Maple Grove. With these laws are you kidding. What laws? Can somebody enlighten me on what the fuck he's talking about? Most clubs Most clubs, mind you. have burned out their locals with high prices and shitty service with really bad attitudes and nothing going on to keep people coming back not to mention karaoke! Let me see, you want me to come in and spend money putting up with bad bar help, some sour voices singing to a machine or a really shitty band because you cant afford good entertainment. I'm not much on country but go over to Tobie Keiths and watch that bar work. What? They have it down. Go up to order a drink. If someone hasn't served you in 60 seconds with a great big smile, they are f,n up. The same thing applies to a small bar. Stop givin it away and make these owners do their job!
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Somewhere, Beyond The Sea. (All)

I have no idea if this is even tangentially related but on the off-chance that it is...

Date: 

The situation is self-correcting. Music will continue to decline.
Then some bar will get right with Ascap, and pay some
five-piece jazz-group to play legacy tunes. This little bar on
a side street will have the neighbors in an uproar about the noise
and street traffic, but the bar won't want to give it up, so the harrangue
makes the papers, and all those people who like clarinets will join the throng.
Noticed by some bigger room, a college band will be hired and supported by the house,
and then I will go there and witness the miracle.
Somebody likes PCP.
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RE: Red Sea (venue listing) (Uptown)


Date: 

Regarding this list of good and bad venues: I think it differs from band to band. Some you listed as bad (Amsterdam, 331, Nomad) OK, clearly a good chunk of these posts have been flagged as spam before I could get to them. Also? Keith told me that Amsterdam makes a bomb ass sandwich. have been very good for my band, both in pay and treatment in general, while some of your good ones (Big V's, Hexagon) have screwed me royally in the past. I think what it comes down to is that a lot of these venues will treat a band subpar if they think they can get away with it. Meaning the key is to come in with some swagger, make sure you know who's in charge of what, and ask for payment details at the beginning, not the end, of the night. And for the love of Pete, don't expect to get paid if you're the opening band and you all leave right after your set. Make sure someone stays til the end, unless the venue is ok with paying you before the night's done. I've never seen that happen but OK.

Regarding the Red Sea: screw that place. They haven't even been on my radar for damn near 10 years. Its too bad because they have a decent stage, but no, whoever put up that post, it is NOT the band's job to get people into YOUR bar. A good club cultivates an audience, a repeat audience. You know, clientele. What the hell good does it do you in the long run if I get my family through the door? THEY WON'T BE BACK THE NEXT NIGHT. Duh.

Let me make this clear. The job of the musician is: play music. Spend years and years and lord knows how much money on your craft, and then still be ok with getting onstage for $20. I am. I don't' expect much, but I do expect courtesy. Of course any self-respecting band is going to do their level best to draw a crowd, but that can't be their sole, or even primary responsibility. The Red Sea clearly wants young bands because yeah, there is that narrow-ass window of 19-22 or so when people live in dorms and other such situations where you can get the word out to a lot of people with minimal effort and expenditure. And those people will be able to come see a band at 12:30 on a Tuesday night because they have lives that permit it. For those few years anyway.

The bottom line here is that whoever posted the article that started this back-and-forth is clearly someone who doesn't give two shits about music. They care about bodies in the room. Which is fine, but they should at least own it. Because if they cared about anything beyond that, they wouldn't have been so stupid as to post something that's going to put The Red Sea even farther down on the shitlist of 95% of the musicians in this scene. Or, come to think of it, they wouldn't have let a child molester keep booking shows for a year after he got busted. Dayum! Yeah, we remember that too, Red Sea. That was the final straw for me, actually.


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Re re re Red Sea (Not a molester)


Date: 

Now come on kids. Child abuser. Dude locked his girlfriends daughter in a dog kennel as punishment for gettin into his stash. Oh, that's totally better.

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