27 August, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

I'm not too sure about the quality of this week's batch. Everybody's outside playing now that we're coming to the end of summer and the state fair is going on.

Looking for Singer -- Hard Rock/Heavy Metal -- Age 15-20 (Elk River/Ramsey)

Date: 2012-08-25, 9:49PM CDT

Looking for a Hard Rock/Heavy Metal singer who will go all the way. You mean, like, put out? Yes, this is for real. That's awfully forward. I don't want some douchebag (listen to me mumble into my mic) singer, and I don't want a screamer. Have you ever had a screamer? I mean, really, they're fun. I want a singer. A real singer. If you cannot sing, do not message me. You can send me an E-Mail and we can begin to talk. Which is it? Can I contact you or not? I would like to hear you sing, so get ready to record yourself. If I like what I hear, we can exchange numbers and you can come jam with me (lead guitarist) and my drummer. We are not just some retards looking for a couple gigs before college. OK, that one stung a little. The music I write, and we write will go far, if you do not want that, then do not message me. I look forward to hearing from you.

P.S. We live in Ramsey/Elk River area. Cheers.
  • Location: Elk River/Ramsey
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Guitar/ bass player

Date: 2012-08-23, 2:28AM CDT

zeppelin combined with johnny cash and modest mouse, if your interested in being apart of an innovative movement. Musical empathy. I have absolutely no idea what any of that meant.
  • it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

3 days 4 songs.... here they are (minnesota)

Date: 2012-08-22, 5:01PM CDT

1. corrosion of conformity- clean my wounds
2. black stone cherry- blame it on the boom boom
3. motley crue- livewire
4. ffdp - under and over it
5. down- stone the crow
That's five songs.

sunday i have two other talented musicians meeting me in st peter..... we are all in our late 20's early 30's and this is a career for us.... So, wait, are you getting on Craigslist just to tell us about this?
(some people showing up sunday already make money with bands in the area ) Well, bully for them.
the expectations of this band will be playing live atleast 8x a month... OK.
( already have the pa just need the musicians!)

this is our first rehersal but, Uh, thanks for sharing? I NEED MORE TALENTED MUSICIANS expecally I like how the word "expecally" feels in my mouth. a singer....
all songs that we are going to play/will play Uh, pretty sure "going to play" and "will play" are the same thing. will be hardrock/rock music

reply back with some video!
  • Location: minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Talented Bassist needed (Saint Paul)

Date: 2012-08-22, 12:05PM CDT

SERIOUS BAND looking for serious musicians who want to INVEST and be INVESTED in the band. Are you asking for money? Let's jam and see if you are it. Don't contact me if all you are is a jobber or only want to be involved if you get paid right away. If you are doing so well with your professional career as a musician, what the heck are you doing on here????? You know? I've all but given up asking that question in these ads over the past couple years. Do you think every band out there that has made it to the big time while getting paid from the beginning? That is some English-as-a-second-language grammar, right there. I mean, I get what he's saying but goddamn. Get a clue, lazy butt. Did he just call me lazy butt? No one has made it big that way. All Artists-Musicians that are making it have sacrificed much more than YOU Moi? (the jobber) I'm a jobber? are willing to sacrifice, by actually writing their own music and carving out their own way. And If you have a music degree, I have an engineering degree. GOOD FOR YOU! That being said, just because you have a degree in music, you aren't exempt from hard work or being invested. So yes, this is a project where you probably will have to sacrifice some of YOUR time and a bit of gas money for rehearsals. Good talk, Dad. When we are a full ensemble then we can talk about where to gig, what to pay, Was that intentional or a Freudian slip? etc
This band requires all who are involved to be invested, You keep using this word, "invest". I'm beginning to suspect that you're like that little guy from The Princess Bride who kept saying "Inconceivable!" and I'm Andre the Giant over here going, "I don't think you know what that word means."* not just "the leader." So if you are one of those people who think they can just show up for rehearsals and do nothing else, MOVE ON! We only want motivated, goal-oriented, positive, creative, talented musicians to be in the band. The Xxxxxxxxx is a "no-drama" band, committed to practice and quality music. And also, apparently, looking for a bassist on Craigslist for nearly two damn years.
No. Seriously. It's just that this was the first time they got a little jack-assish about it.
follow the links and give us a listen! PC)
There were links here, now there aren't.

  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And cue the inevitable impotent community backlash in five... four... three... two... one...

Re: Talented Bassist needed - (Saint Paul) (sailllllin)

Date: 2012-08-22, 1:03PM CDT
Reply to: see below

Geez for being a "no drama band," half your ad was a rant about how you hate dudes that make money playing music, or have a music degree. Relax- I mean, I'm sure you're a big deal and all.... They're not. but it takes all those snobby educated musicians and paid musicians to really make your original money-pit band look awesome to the rest of us. It does? We all get it too dude- the joke is on them. Will you follow a linear narrative, please? I am too hungover for this Bill Burroughs cut-up technique word collage bullshit thing you have going on.

Too bad- I was gonna call you because I listened to your stuff and I too love Christopher Cross. They do sound like Christopher Cross. Bummer.

Ride like the wind.

  • Location: sailllllin
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

re: re: Talented Bassist needed (Saint Paul) (Joe Biden-ville)

Joe Biden-ville?

Date: 2012-08-22, 3:11PM CDT

Don't miss the opportunity to climb on board the rocket to success with a group of ugly 50-somethings still trying to "make it". That was harsher than any joke I've ever made here and I'm the guy who makes molester van jokes about the dad from Small Wonder...
No, wait. I've made harsher than that. Carry on, young padawan.
When reality is too hard to accept, turn your frustration to others faults (jobbers, music majors, people who don't fall in line with your lofty dreams of stardom). The rest of us lowly working stiffs will continue to pursue opportunities that suit our own preferences.
  • Location: Joe Biden-ville
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Re; Talented Bassist needed ( Rage against the music communiteeville)

Date: 2012-08-22, 10:15PM CDT
Reply to: see below

Ease up on the meth pipe a little dude. Thanks for reminding me; I still have to download last night's episode of Breaking Bad. You don't want to blow an aneurysm or somethin'. If your'e mad at the last bass player that tried out, then tell that guy. Don't freak on the whole music community. He didn't freak out on anybody, he just outlined in a more-than-just-a-little dickish manner as to what he expects from prospective bassists. We like your stuff and love all of ya. UUUhhh... speak for yourself, much? Jus' maybe repeat your mantra and stair at the lava lamp a little to calm down. You sound like a goddamned hippie.

It is not alright to respond to this ad in anger or with malice. OK, first of all, you're seriously going to try to tell that dude what kind of response is and isn't OK? Secondly, you opened up your (unsolicited, mind you) response by insinuating that the guy is under the influence of methamphetamine. Also, you sound like a hippie so just shut the fuck up.
  • Location: Rage against the music communiteeville
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And then a light shone from the heavens...

Bass Player Wanted (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-08-20, 9:39PM CDT

Looking for a guy or girl in their 20s or 30s to step in to fill the void left by our bass player that has too many other commitments. OK. We are 3 fellows in their mid 30s--drums, guitar, and guitar and keys at the moment. We don't have a band name yet, but we are tightening up 10 songs that need your creative input and sweet low end. Uh, alright. They are original, so if you're looking to do Crue and Warrant covers, hit up Craigslist in St. Cloud or something. I fucking love this guy already. You can not wear Teva sandals nor Crocs, I just came. no jean shorts, I don't even have cut offs. no kids, Wouldn't dream of having any! and you can't be married. Why in hot rats would I want to go and do a stupid thing like get married? Also, if you play your bass 3 inches from your chin, you might want to lather on some patchouli and see if Wookie Foot needs some low crunchies for a reunion show. You mean we both share a disdain for hippie jam band crap?
I want to gay marry you.
Drug and alcohol problems ok. I just came again. Influences: Lifter Puller. I'm down.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

* I found the actual line at IMDb if anybody cares that much.

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