23 July, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

We begin this week with probably one of the biggest "duh"s I've encountered since I began performing live...

THIS Saturday 7/28 (Big V's)

Date: 2012-07-23, 7:24AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for 1 or 2 more bands for this Saturday night at Big V's - 7/28/12

And here's the important part: Pay depends on how many people you get in the door Duh.
  • Location: Big V's
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK, remember the last guy from this batch of ads? Uh... yeah...

My Whirlygig Machine is ready. (Mpls. and Viral)

Date: 2012-07-21, 11:01PM CDT
Reply to: x.xxxx@yahoo.com Still rockin' the 'hoo mail in 2012. That should explain everything we need to know.

You can get my Hula-Loop from I-Tunes and use it any way you chose . I like how he put a space before the period as though to indicate that he had more to say in that clause, "... use it any way you choose, except..." It is so spectacular that you may want to rent a song
from Harry Fox Agency to assure your opportunity. I might want to rent a song to assure my opportunity... That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. It won't hurt to use a real song. So, wait. Just now you were suggesting that I rent a fake song to assure my opportunity? You charlatan! I'm thinking of recording myself, but I prefer
to expedite the MACHINE useage and push the new beat. UUUhhh... I will be wanting "I will want" or "I want" but not "I will be wanting". $10 per mnute of track length to process your track
through "snail-maled CD', This is beautiful. I'm insulted by this guy yet at the same time I have no earthly fucking idea what he's talking about. Bravo! but really, the 1st Hula-Loop, "Organ-Grinder 1.1-B" is waiting for you. For me? You know? I kind of want to check out what the fuck this nonsense is now. Such is this man's marketing prowess: He pretends to be a loon and somehow sucks me into his bizarro world. I will create more "general
purpose" beats. I was hoping The 8th Street Grill would fix it on their Juke Box. Then they could pot a mic behind the bar,--- Wait, did he just try to make an ellipsis with three dashes? After a comma?
  • Location: Mpls. and Viral
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And again, every once in a while we try to go with the positivity angle. Such is the case for our next ad. I'm not anonymizing it in case there are any takers (legitimate takers), so please don't be dicks.

Looking for Music - July 31 (Austin, MN)

Date: 2012-07-21, 8:51PM CDT
Reply to: v23oly@aol.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hi there!

My name is Sarah Olson, a local keyboardist and representative for the MN band Eden. I'm working with a great group of people organizing annual events in Austin, MN. Held every Tuesday all summer long, these street dances, music fests, and art celebrations are fun and exciting ways to expand your name awareness, meet enthusiastic listeners, and have a good time. We're currently searching for musicians (hopefully country-infused) to perform 2 hours of music on July 31st. Can be a cover band, or originals/both, but we'd love to have a band with dance-able tunes.

Musicians would be compensated with $265.00 plus dinner for the members (within reason, like an applebee's dinner For real? Applebee's? If there's anything I take umbrage with in this ad, it's the Applebee's. or something Something, anything but Applebee's.).
Attendence is estimated to be 2,000 people. You're group's name will be plastered across the city with fliers and promotions, plus advertised on the website. www.downtownaustinmn.com
Everybody got that? Play a little country for two hours, split some cash between you and your bandmates, go to fucking... I don't know, not Applebee's but someplace... comparable but totally not after getting a bunch of free advertising and a two thousand head crowd. That seems AOK from where I'm sitting.

Please feel free to contact me anytime by call, text, or email if you have any questions, or are interested in performing.
If interested, send an e-mail with anything you have! A song sample, website, photo, and sound requirements would be sublime. I'd like to work with you to bring the best show to Austin possible!

Thank you for you're interest!
Again, I'm not anonymizing her contact info so I'm trusting everybody here to not be dicks.
Sarah Olson

  • Location: Austin, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Hey Drummers

Date: 2012-07-21, 12:34AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

F guitarist Would you believe it took me three minutes to figure out that the F meant female? For real. Is it really that hard to type "female"? It's only five more letters. w/alot of hard rock & melodic play time (rhythm & lead) searching for drummer for regular routine--starting with a couple of good jams.

I have a feel for 'The Doors,' You know, you - 'Led Zeppelin,' No, hold on. You re- 'Nirvana,' You really - 'Hendrix,' No, listen. You - 'Soul Asylum' You don't ha- or 'Wolfmother' You don- 'Stones' You don't have to put band names in quotation marks. 'Nugent'-- come as you are -- styles, along with some metal & mix of other styles including some music that is kind of obscure. I use tab and chord charts for reference and use the standard terms for co-writing. I don't mind setting up a metronome or click track to work with your timing quicker.

My contributions can be co-writer, multi-instrumental (guitar elec. and acous., keyboard, some wind, (bongo drum or drum duet feature), strings, and some vocals but definitely guitar, and can help with pre-mastering a mix. SSSooo you mean mixing? I'm handy with developing websites although I do not like the social network time commitment. Time commitment? Lady, I pimp this blog for less than two minutes per week and that's on Twitter, this blog's and my personal Facebook accounts, and Google+ (even though nobody hangs out on Google+). It's not that hard. I'm not shy about starting agreements to the legal effect; or making business contacts, setting up photo shoots, preparing and handing out promo, etc. MOST of my equipment is pots and pans, cleaning supplies, and yard tools... UUUhhh... what? BUT I do have just enough electronic equipment to play at small venues.

Please have a preference for a wide range of percussion. I'm all for a lengthy drum solo so feel free to go all out.

Required: Good energy, creativity, transportation, good attitude, decent equipment, Like, say, pots and pans, cleaning supplies, and yard tools. & be nice. Plan to make time count.
Stage experience helpful. Maturity expected. Gender doesn't matter.

No drug OK. or alcohol Fuck. You. related drama please. If interested, please include a link to your promotional material in your email. If you don't have promo,
send some details about the important things like ability, location, & times available. And this next part... Oh, this next part. Struck me as a work of pure genius: I will play anytime except in really really hot weather
like 95 degrees--f### that & I'm not driving through any icy blizzards either--f### that too.

Thanks for reading.


  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Guitarist Needed - Alternative/Indie Rock (Minneapolis)

Why, hello, advertisement that may be up alley. How are you today?

Date: 2012-07-20, 4:30PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for a guitarist to join bassist, drummer and female vocalist Sounds hot. writing and performing original music. We have 12 songs completed, waiting for you to put your own stamp on them. I can do that. There's also a whole stack of well-written lyrics waiting to have music put to them. Kind of backward compared to how I'm used to working but, hey, Gordon Gano claimed to write the lyrics before the music in the Violent Femmes.

Hoping to sound like some kind of mix of the following: PJ Harvey, Still familiar only with Rid of Me. Nick Cave, Still familiar largely with his Birthday Party work, not really too into his solo things that I've heard. Guided by Voices, A winning band if there ever was one and from Dayton. Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, There are no commas in their name but go ahead. Raveonettes, Were cool, got boring. CocoRosie, Well, somebody in the band's on bathtub crank; I think I can go ahead and make that assumption. The Kills, You know? Still haven't heard them. Pixies, I really like only Surfer Rosa and, uh, yeah, that's it. The XX, Heard. Wasn't wowed. Zoo Animal, Heard of, not compelled to investigate. Dead Weather... Is that one of Jack White's five bands? Because I can't keep track of his bullshit anymore. Need a guitarist whose playing can be sparse when needed, who can work with the musicians during practice to write music and help the singer with melodies. How about you just tell me how the fucking song goes?

About us:
-- We've been together about a year and started to play out when we lost our guitarist Did you check between the couch cushions?
-- The sound we're after would be a departure from this, but rough mixes of demos we recorded can be found here: There was a link here, now there isn't. (And to be honest, the music isn't bad.)
-- We have a large, comfortable practice space near 394 and Penn, That's way too fucking far for me and I say that not knowing where that is. and we rehearse every Thursday

About you:
-- Age 30+, Hello. unless you really like hanging out with 30-somethings, though we're way more fun than most That's a shame because I'm less fun than all.
-- Fun and creativity are main priorities but you have ambitions to record and play gigs I just want to be a rock star so I don't have to work anymore, is that OK?
-- Primarily a listener of the Current or Radio K, unless your tastes are too eclectic to fit a radio format Did you seriously just dictate to me which radio stations I listen to? You got some cajon├ęs.
-- Not opposed to doing some covers as long as they're done in a unique style Are you talking about like the time the Dirty Projectors "reimagined" Black Flag's Damaged LP? Because I don't know...
-- Ability to sing harmony is a plus.

Thanks for reading this post. Shoot us a reply if it sounds like you might fit. UUUhhh...
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And stir shit in five, four, three...

Will Tucker and I Roots Band are Dishonest

Date: 2012-07-19, 10:01AM CDT
Reply to: r2rbb-3149355586@comm.craigslist.org

Will Tucker has stolen from many musicians. Items include, PA Systems, Whole PA systems? keyboards, guitars, money from gigs. This is an all round thief who needs to be deported Deported? Damn. back to Belize for felony theft and theft by swindle. That's a thing? It is important that we get the word out to all the places that this band plays and to all the people who might fall into his trap.

Reply if you have been a victim.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

here is the deal... (the state of minnesota)

Lay it on me.

Date: 2012-07-18, 9:54PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

im a drummer that has litterally done it all in the music indutry.... Literally all of it. i ran with the "big dogs" was not uncommon to have a 500,000 dollar tour bus in my driveway.... Half mil tour bus in the goddamned driveway. That's how he's livin', with the big dogs, bitches.

3 years ago i turned my back to the industry because i accomplished everything i wanted to do... He's a man of humility.

after being in the "big business" like i was, nothing can replace the rush of that "live experience" Except for maybe a speedball.

i moved to minnesota 1 year ago with no musicial ties.... i dont know any TALANTED MUSICIANS and i wanna play live.... every friday and saturday night.... Ambitious.

i have a killer pa to do shows with,
qsc amps, 4 yamaha floor monitors, jbl mains, lexicon processing, dbx compression, completely miced drum set,snake ect ect OK, I was letting you slide on your ellipsis because you're a braggart and an idiot but now? No. It's Ee Tee See. For Etcetera.
( i do need to get some subs again )
everything in road cases ready to go....
maybe 10k-15k in pa gear? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he's not married.

guessing i got another 8k in drum equipment...... Yeah, not married.

im ready to go, And, so, after all the bravado, after all the grandeur, after all the pompous windbaggery and inflated claims, when he says he's ready to go, where is he ready to go with all that talent? COVERS ONLY!

here is the catch, i live 2 hours outside minneapolis but i have no problem makeing the drive....
  • Location: the state of minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Other Vocalists & Songwriters Wanted For Collab (Anoka / Ramsey)

Date: 2012-07-18, 9:06PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for other songwriters and vocalists to collab into versatile original project, NorthWest Subs, Ramsey area, must sing well and play an instrument, I don't care if it's a tamborine, male, female, I don't care as long as you intend to go somewhere with original music.
Am very tired of people and bands that just don't add up, am willing to do a few remakes of tunes by top artists but going off the typical wall here.
I'm an older musician but not a musician, If you thought that part didn't make sense, read the next part. my tunes have been requested over other tunes I've played by other artists so GOING FOR IT.
Am about to produce my 6th CD this summer and am tired of going it alone. Only six? I'm on my fifteenth and still going it alone.

I know people who are incredibly talented at playing guitar but they can't write for chit. Hey, now. I've been writing for 30 years, publishing in top chart ranks for almost 8 years with SONY backing. Great. Your name? I work myself to death (2+ jobs) and would much rather be playing gigs (not bars) with others who know they should be going places other than a dead end job. This old schpiel again?

If you think like The Beatles, Traveling Wilburys, or any of those connections, send me a message! Yeah, I think this isn't going to work out.
Don't limit yourself either, I'm not limiting myself, I'm just saying... I do play some Hard Rock and appreciate the heck out of anyone who can make chit up Is that a word? Chit?* You know we're all adults here and you can say "shit" on Craigslist, right? and play with feeling.
I write music, and lyrics with hooks, when I post new music without my vocals I get the "why didn't you sing?" reviews .. No, you don't. I'm tired of holding out, I need the rest of the group

* It is a word. It's the copy of the bill that you sign when you pay.
  • Location: Anoka / Ramsey
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Keyboard Player wanted for Post-Punk/Dark Wave band (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-07-18, 12:40PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Established Minneapolis Post-Punk/Darkwave band seeking keyboard player. Main influences include: Killing Joke, No. The Chameleons, Don't know. The Sound, Don't know. Joy Division, Yes. The Cult, Yes. Bauhaus, Yes. The Cure, Yes. Sisters of Mercy, Kind of maybe sort of almost yes. and The Psychedelic Furs. Uh, OK. You get the idea. We play original music, with the occasional cover. We are four 30-somethings who have been playing music for many years, and are looking for someone who likes/worships the bands listed above, and who possesses basic musical abilities. You don't have to be Ray Manzarek. (If you don't know who he is, Seriously? You're going to assume that there are musicians out there who don't know who Ray Manzarek is? YouTube him, and you'll see what I mean. Fucking for real. That's it. That's it, I'm done. Y'all can see the kind of bullshit I put up with here in Minneapolis all the goddamned time. I'm done. I'm just done. I'm done. Never again. Fuck this shit, I'm moving to Detroit.) The keyboard doesn't even have to be your primary instrument. The style of keys our music requires is stripped-down and atmospheric in nature. We're looking for someone who is OK with that.

Also, you won't get paid. Oh, I'm going to love this. Any money we make from shows/merchandise goes back into the band. I don't get a say in what happens to my share? At all? What if I, you know, need that money? And look, I get it. This isn't supposed to be about money but now we're talking about money, particularly that the band will get paid and that I, as a member, will not be. You're making decisions about my share of the profits, so this isn't about money so much as it's about principal. That principal being that you don't get to decide what happens to what is rightfully mine, you dick. If we pull in a hundred bucks, your ass owes me twenty. You're not holding onto anything of mine or "investing" anything of mine for shit, pal. So I'm going to tell you right now, dicktit, unless you've got a hankering to find out what it's like to get kicked right in the goddamned jugular, you're going to give me my twenty percent and let me decide what happens to it. Otherwise, you can screw. There is a strong chance that in less than a year we'll be playing larger venues, and likely be planning a US and European tour. But for the time being, if you're looking for a paycheck, I'd recommend looking elsewhere. If I want a paycheck, I get a job. With you? All I want is my twenty goddamned percent. Your motivation, like ours, must be the music. Oh, it's about the music. It's never not been about the music. But I got principals and you got my twenty motherfucking percent. So what say we trade? I know, and we haven't even met each other yet. And you're already pissing me the fuck off. This is worse than internet dating.

You must be available for rehearsal two nights a week, Oh, so your bitch ass wants to go on a payment program? Fine. Get me ten percent at the first one and ten more percent at the fucking first one because you owe me twenty goddamned percent. have the ability to play a minimum of two shows a month, I'll have the ability to show up and collect my twenty motherfucking percent twice a month. have your own gear, I have my own gear. And I'm about to have twenty percent. I don't care if it comes out of your wallet or your ass but I'm getting my twenty fucking percent from some goddamned where, you can rest assured of that shit. and own a car. Shit, I'm about to put a down payment on one as soon as you pay me my twenty goddamned percent. Our practice spot is currently located in St. Louis Park, Your practice space is located in no place except for Owememoneystan. but we will likely be relocating to Minneapolis in a few months. And you better have my money. If you're interested in hearing more, I don't want to hear no goddamned stories. I want my fucking money. and possibly setting up an audition, contact us and we'll answer any questions you might have. Yeah, how about I collect the money at the end of the night and give everybody their twenty percent and you can worry about how much I won't have to whoop your ass with a belt now that I'm the one in charge of the money. Serious inquiries only please.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Drummer Needed - Electronica sound on Acoustic drums? (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-07-17, 12:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi there! Hold the fuck on, I need to compose myself after that last one...
[shakes head]
[pinches bridge of nose]
[clears throat] Hello.

I'm forming a quartet (guitar, bass, drums, F vox)...and I'm looking for a drummer that can mimic electronica sounds and beats on a traditional kit. Triggering is ok, but the thought of a full electronic drumkit brings back visions of the Thompson Twins circa 1988 and that's not a look we're going for. So you're basing your whole ad on what instruments look like. This is going to be painful.

Here's the plan: whip up a set-list (Massive Attack, Goldfrapp-type stuff) OK. and play the dinner circuit Dinner circuit? Like a lounge band? regularly (Red Stag, Kitty Kat, Loring Pasta, etc. etc.). You'll always be paid for a gig You see? That's what I'm talking about. I get my goddamned share and I decide what to do with it. (I don't take a cut), OK, that's suspicious. though if you've played around at all, you know there isn't a lot of money in it, and I'd rather you play for the joy of it.

If we have the right chemistry, we'll start writing original tunes, and playing non-dinner venues (Turf, Nomad, 400, etc). SSSooo... not be a lounge band?

The singer has a gorgeous voice...the arrangements will be uber-stripped down, very simple, the drums and bass will be the soul of the songs. And cue the a cappella techno sounds: nn-ts-nn-ts-nn-ts-nn-ts

As for us, we're all in our early 30's, with other job/families/houses, but still in the music scene. All of us live within 8 miles of downtown Minneapolis.

ps. I'm also open to having a drummer and a percussionist, though for $$-sake You. Whore. It's not about the money. I'd rather keep it a quartet That way, I get twenty five percent.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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