02 July, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads. (Butt Week Edition)

I'm not going to lie: These are iffy, iffy in that they're a little off and not outright offensive. Let's just power through these, though. It's Butt Week after all and we can't be wasting time not talking about butts.

established musicians seeking drums and bass for hr/metal project (mpls)

Date: 2012-07-01, 12:35PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

we have tunes,practice space,sponsors, booking,just need a drums and bass. OK, wait wait wait wait wait. You have a booking agent and "sponsors" but you're not even a whole band yet? me and the singer both come from accomplished bands and need people that can make this project move along fast. it is all original. some influences are Your sponsors? avenged sevenfold,disturbed,five finger death punch.etc
  • Location: mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Need a heavy creative bassist with balls M/F!!! 25+ (St. Paul)

Uh, yeah, about that... I know it's been only a week since I last checked but girls don't usually have balls. And I thought we established before that we were supposed to come up with a more gender-specific / empowered feminist term for girl balls, like labia or ovaries or something. Didn't we do that? I could've sworn we did.

Date: 2012-07-01, 11:53AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Original project is looking for an experienced, versatile and highly creative bassist (over 25 please) to add to our sound and creative process.
Modern, Hard driving and melodic sound with some influences from Rush Really? and The Beatles to Radiohead, OK, so they're those guys. System of a Down, I've never meh'd harder in my life. Fair to Midland, I was not aware a band had that name. Tool, OK, I take it back: I have meh'd harder. Vampire Weekend, I think they have a song on some NPR show that I like. Phantogram, That's a band? Crystal Castles, That sounds like some hipster bullshit to me. etc.
Call or text me at xxx xxx-xxxx. Must be experienced in and desire to play and create heavier melodic style music. 6 string and fretless bass a plus! If you play the kazoo, that's a plus.
If you're into pop, blues, jazz, classic and bar rock, this is not a good fit!
Will respond to ALL! Wait the fuck up there, Captain Caveman: You cite the Beatles as an influence but you're telling people that being into pop music may negate their ability to fit into your band? You cite Rush but warn people against liking classic rock? And blues and jazz? Where the fuck do you think rock was born from?

DISCLAIMER: This is an original project! If you spent 20 years in cover bands and do not possess an ounce of creativity in your body, do not apply; if you are 18 to 21 and wanna start a band, do not apply; if you have no gear or horrible gear, do not apply; I still want to know who "applies" without equipment. if you have no car or a broken ass car, I have a bike. do not apply; Oh. If you live out of the Metro area and later decide it is too far to drive to practices or gigs, please stay in the sticks; if you are a flake prone to last minute cancellations or are non-responsive, WE DON'T WANT YOU!!! All others are graciously invited!
  • Location: St. Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

HEY SHOW ME YOUR MUSIC!!! (in my films)

Date: 2012-07-01, 2:06AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

HEY YOU LISTENED! I what? ALRIGHT! Wait, what?
hey is anyone interested in letting me use any of there original works in a film project? UUUhhhhhh... i don't know exactly how i'd use it yet, I don't know because, you know, the whole I-don't-make-movies thing but, if I were to venture a guess, I'd reckon you would use them as part of the, uh, soundtrack. just wanna know if anyone would be interested in the collaboration... do the whole fancy i use your song in a short film post it on the youtube put you in the credits and a link in the description ... UUUhhhhhh... its all win ...
if your interested email me and link me to some of your work ... any type of music.... if your reading this and thinking "well he wouldn't wanna use my music" Actually, you probably wouldn't. well my friend you are wrong, Am I now? So you want my bossanova lounge song about scissor fucking or do you want my drop-A stoner metal song about butt fucking? so yeah e-mail, go , now! I'm just happy I got to make this just a little bit more about Butt Week.

so far i've gotten some great responses but i think i can do better, I really want to make a zen joke here about contentment but I'm coming up short. I think I might have to talk about butts some more.

why haven't you send me an e-mail eh? Are you Canadian?
don't have much faith in your band? Well, I'm kind of just one guy and not a band.
well your never gonna make it anywhere with only yer mum listenin' My mom doesn't listen, so there.
so send me an email!

this is a great opportunity to get your music heard. Isn't that what everybody who wants to avoid paying a band their fair share says?
i am literally asking you to let me Use my music gratis? listen to your music,
so that in the future i might use it Without contractually obligating you to paying me a royalty for the usage.
and that's free advertising for you ... "Free advertising": The crook's way of not paying anybody.

  • Location: in my films
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

musician (buffalo)

Date: 2012-06-29, 9:04PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Musicians wanted between the ages of 17 and 28. Full benefits Benefits? You mean like 401K or something? must know how to read music I'm out. and audition, Know how to audition? good pay and many opportunities for travel. Must be serious
  • Location: buffalo
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Local Band Looking for New Members (Mpls)

Date: 2012-06-29, 6:21AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Our band is looking for additional members. Go on. We are looking for a lead guitar, bass, dummer, Do you mean "dumber"? and keys player. UUUhhh... Those... Those aren't really additional, you know that, right? Those are more like, um, you know, requisite. If interested, please contact me.

  • Location: Mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

LOOKING FOR MUSIC SPONSORS, if that makes sense? (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-06-28, 5:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am booking a few events at places around town... Looking for sponsors who want in... You don't need to perform, but showing up will be nice, not just providing posters of who you are at such locations serving the event. Or events.

Please provide your number and name upon contact to find out in detail to what kind of sponsorship I am talking about here.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

This next one is just a little awkward.

Heavy Metal you dont want to miss (Saint Paul)

Date: 2012-06-27, 11:07AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Raising money to fight human trafficking with some of the best heavy metal the state has to offer

the Only show that XXXXXX will be doing in the Metro area this year as they kick off their 2012 Tour

There was a link here, now there isn't. And by the way, if anybody wants to know what I find so funny about this, leave a comment and I'll get back to you there. From where I'm sitting, the situation is rather Arrested Development-esque.
  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I'm not going to lie: I have no idea what this guy is going on about.

Music Has Charms To Sooth The Savaged Wallet (ALL)

Date: 2012-06-26, 3:18PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Barbara Streisand could fill the room, not because she is a celebrity, but because she can SING, and because she does SONGS.
Like, you gatta restaurant/bar thing, Check out ASCAP and comply/submit. Hire musicians that PLAY ONLY those tunes, and advertise THAT fact. Put a billboard outside showing two sets, the 18 songs played in each, and the ABSOLUTE TIMES of the downbeat of each SONG'S performance.
PAY the band SO WELL that bands are fighting to get the gigs and learn the tunes, well enough so that an ARTISTIC VIRTUOSO can afford to PAY a selected group of musicians, and be their BOSS.
DAMM, yer dumb, aintcha?
  • Location: ALL
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Professional Engineer! (Brooklyn Center)

Date: 2012-06-25, 11:37PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am a professional engineer, Oh, hello, entrepreneurial-minded person trying to ingratiate himself into the local music scene, how are you? I charge $35 for 1 track. Not bad. I also do packages. Of? Like 5 tracks for $150 and 10 tracks for $250 or a whole album for $350. I have been doing mixing and mastering for over 5 years, I have a degree in it. I run through paypal. I use FL10, Pro Tools 10, Adobe Audition CS5 and Cubase 6. Why, it sounds like you're making do with the tools available to you to provide a service to local musicians who may not know how to record themselves. If interested e-mail me at xxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com and I'll send you samples. Who could possibly find fault in this?
  • Location: Brooklyn Center
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

This dickhead.

RE: Professional Engineer! (Really?)

Date: 2012-06-26, 8:46PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hi "professional" Engineer!
First of all, I have to let you know that your post is miss categorized and should be posted under SERVICES, I would suggest to you to pick the CREATIVE tab under that. But that is not even my issue. I suggest to you to drop the "Professional" from your title. Because Professional Engineers, like me know that what you are offering doesn't even pay the donuts for your session. Where are you even operating from? At your moms basement using an Mbox? $35 dollar doesn't even pay for one hour Studio Rental at any studios in town. Except maybe your mom's basement. OK, 1) He's probably aware that US$35 dollars doesn't cover an hour in a studio and that's why he charges only that much: So bands that can't afford a studio but want to record now can and he gets to Hoover up that business that more expensive studios - places with bills and shit - can't afford to cater to. 2) Did you really just make the same mom's basement joke in the same clause? Let's say high pathetically I'm not going to lie: I laughed my ass off when I read that and knew that Former Contributing Author Daver would lose a nut over that one as well. I want to have a song recorded by you. Just one song. You will do it for $35 dollar. Thirty five dollar dollar? I will bring all the musicians I need for my song, it's just you and your mbox. I need to record drums, guitars, bass, some synths and vocals. I believe we can do the tracking in 8 hours including setup and tear down. Then you probably will spend another 2 to 3 hours editing, because...hey I am not perfect, or I thought I was until you hear it. After that you will mix my song and probably spend at least 2 hours. After that you will run it through Ozotope software and you called it Mastered, even though a true professional doesn't master his own mixes.

Total of 13 hours $35:13= 2.69$ per hour

WOW! that's almost minimum wage. Actually, that's less than half of minimum wage by a full dollar, dick-tit. And what the fuck are you so concerned with his income for? Do you really think this guy doesn't have a straight gig that provides his primary source of income?

Seriously, because of people like you, the legitimate Professional Audio Engineers get a bad reputation. How? By making it so bands who can't afford studios get to record their records? Consider this: First of all, he's not stealing your business; your business comes to you because they can afford you, his business goes to him because they can't afford you. Secondly, engineers who get bad reps get bad reps for doing shitty jobs, not undercutting their competition by doing a little business aside from their usual line of work. Either you just do this for fun or you have not paid attention during your Business class.

  • Location: Really?
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the above-featured dickhead made a friend!

RE: RE: Professional Engineer! (Really?) (Anywhere)

Date: 2012-06-27, 2:53AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I totally agree with you. I am sure he does have an Mbox (which is terrible). Focusrite all the way :) You did the colon & end parentheses smiley for a brand of D-A converter?
35 per song is so low. Yeah, it's not bad at all. Its so low you already know what your product is going to sound like. Well, somebody got their daily serving of Haterade, didn't they?
My starting recording price is 40/hr and 100/per song for mixing and mastering and I engineer in a studio downtown Minneapolis. I should probably stop because I know of a few studios in downtown Minne and some of the guys I graduated with got jobs at one in particular, so I run the risk of talking shit about guys I know and like... but then there's this: If you lowball yourself, you are going to be put into the pile of bad engineers. Right, because price tag determines quality. Good talk, Dad.
To the OP, I would rethink your whole recording/making money plan. Totally. I mean, where does he think his strategy of being less expensive than you is going to get him? Still doing it after five years or something? Jeez-Louise, the nerve of that guy trying to provide the community with an inexpensive option.
  • Location: Anywhere
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

looking for horrible musicians for noise rock band (anoka county)

Date: 2012-06-25, 5:21PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey there! Hello. I've always wanted to start a noise/shock rock band to just freak people out and flip this scene on its side. OK, so you're sixteen then. I'm looking for a keys player, a few guitar players, a bassist, a drummer, and maybe even more instrumentation. Sort of like an Arcade Fire meets Unsane. I can dig it. Maybe a juggler or dancer to boot? A juggler? I know a juggler. Her old man told me she was really into anal, rim jobs and all that. No shit. (This really has turned out to be beneficial for Butt Week.) All I ask is that you are not a schooled, technically proficient musician. Had I known that I would have read this ad when I was fourteen, I would've never taught myself how to play. The more raw and sloppy you are, the better. That's what she said. You should not be afraid to put on an insane stage show. Think the dillinger escape plan minus the musicianship. If you feel like pushing the envelope and scaring the crap out of people, message me. Have a nice day :)
  • Location: anoka county
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

No comments:

Post a Comment

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.