30 July, 2012

Bruv, it's Herman Munster playing guitar, innit.

Do I really need to say anything else about it?

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Yeah, there are only three this week and I'm not even sure they count.

Do you have a band? (Arts Dist N.E. Mpls)

Date: 2012-07-29, 5:38AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

My whole life I have been able to hear and make music that is in my head, Yeah, that's called "coming up with something and following through on it", people kind of do that every day, so don't go blowing yourself just yet. I am a partial Psychic. Here we go. I know that sounds stupid Kind of. or nuts, Definitely. I often don't believe it myself In addition to your stance on believing, you should probably reconsider your stance on announcing. but the fact remains. That you're nucking futs? I can hear sounds and make music with out notes, No, you can't. I can't explain it I know you can't. but it is a FACT. No. It is a fact that a "note" is simply a blanket term applied to the pitch (frequency) and duration (time) of a sound, so to say that you make music - a medium based on, among a few other elements such as tempo (BPM) and loudness (amplitude), pitch and duration - without notes is a fundamentally flawed statement and I'm going to recommend that the day after you pull your head out of your ass that you clean the shit out of your ears. I am looking for a band that wants to take things to another level. Always to another level. I know you probly wont believe this until I INSTRUCT you You're going to instruct me? In caps lock, even? but once you see and hear the direction you just might believe me. What do you have to lose?!... My dignity. My sense of shame. My long-standing track record of not hanging out with people who go around talking about being psychic on a website where I can pick up a futon from behind somebody's garage between three and five this afternoon. I create hooks, beats and lyrics for ALL types of music, give me a shot. Oh, so you just want to be a songwriter. I just require that you are a DECENT to GOOD band.. So that the majority of the work is done for you, right? And then you can say, "I foresaw this..." I know the difference, Do you? I have been in this game since age 15 for real.. Fo' reals, yo! Let me know if you are interested.. You're psychic, I think you already know the answer.
  • Location: Arts Dist N.E. Mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Bonnie and Clyde Blues

Date: 2012-07-25, 3:03PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

im a guitarists/multi instrumentalist, I like how he's a guitarists and then follows that up with multi(ple) instrumentalist. It's like he wrote his own joke. and a man. I'm not going to lie: Ninety percent of my rationale behind including this ad was so that I could link to the terrible / terrific "Sex (I'm A)" by Berlin, because of the whole overwrought, melodramatic "I'm a man" line in the chorus. I am looking for a women who can sing the blues. Don't care. I'm a man. And I'm listening to 80s new wave synth pop. (Sorry, I almost lumped Berlin in with Devo and that is wrongness.) I am trying to find the right women I'm a man. to start a band I'm a man. centering around the blues, I'm a man. but dark blues. I'm a man. With a "Bonnie and Clyde" style presentation. When we make love together.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK, really?

I will join your band if I can live @ your place (Minneapolis (Ideally Dinkytown))

Are you for fucking real?

Date: 2012-07-23, 7:23PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Yep, I already know that this sounds rediculous, Yeah. but I'm keeping the craigslist spirit alive. What the fuck are you talking about?

I am a U of M student SSSooo... unemployed? looking for a free place to stay Unemployed. and play with a band. You could also, you know, do this thing called get a goddamned job and pay rent. I have A Mexican Fender Strat and a VHT Special 6 Combo Amp.
The only thing I'm missing is some killer effects pedals... And a goddamned job. but maybe I will be able to get those in time. Yeah, after you get a job and make money with which you can purchase said effects. Here is how I play: There was a link here but nobody cares.

If you have a space for me to crash and you are looking for a guitarist...then HMU! SSSooo... not only are you too lazy to get a job, you apparently can't be arsed to type out the words "hit me up" - an additional four letters and two spaces - either. Hombre, I've got a guy here with no legs right now. Not half legs, I mean no legs. None. At all. And this guy is flying all over the house, up and down stairs, all kinds of shit. Again: He has no legs. There's his torso and then it gets down to his pelvis and then his body just stops. No legs. I look at him and then I read your post and I think that more people could stand to have no legs. The guy who would actually have a reasonable claim to laziness is the least lazy person I've seen in months, maybe years. And your ass can't be bothered to type whole words.
I dont take up a lot of space Dude with no legs takes up less. and I am respectful of others.

  • Location: Minneapolis (Ideally Dinkytown) And you're looking to get a place in Dinkytown!? Fuck you.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

29 July, 2012

It's our 2,500th post, let's celebrate.

Now, really, I didn't have a damned thing for this post. I was going to compare and contrast Portishead's "Wandering Star" with Poliça's "Wandering Star" but that idea sucked. Then I was going to do a big ol' tribute to John Barry's theme for You Only Live Twice by embedding all the different versions of it that I could find, including the one by the Pain Teens that I just found.
In fact, fuck it, I'll at least embed that one because I finally got off my keister this month and heard the Pain Teens for the first time (shut up, M.) and because the theme to You Only Live Twice is the titties.
But the reason I'm posting today has nothing to do with the ever swelling portion of my brain that holds pop culture ephemera and droll little fun facts about obscure, pre-twentieth century sex toys. No, it has more to do with my first guitar ever.
About goddamned time.
You see, for years, I didn't know what this thing was. When I first got it, when I was fourteen, I thought it was a Fender Extra Heavy because A) that's what was on the pick and B) I was an idiot even when I was fourteen. This whole thing with me being functionally retarded is not a new development. And I've told the story before about how Anthony and Reuben laughed at me because Reuben's sister Suzie had the same guitar and it had Cort on the headstock. And I mentioned how, back when I was fourteen, computers were basically how you imagined them to be rendered on The Flinstones and the internet was a military-only-kinda-thang that nobody, even in the military, had ever heard of so Googling something was not an option.
OK, that whole last part made me feel old in the way that the Old Man's stories about how Grandma used to bake potatoes and put them in his coat pockets in the winter because they couldn't afford mittens or whatever other weird bullshit my Old Man had to grow up with during the reconstruction period. "Back in my day, we couldn't just Google something." That makes me sound fucking old. Don't get me wrong, I love that now I can go online and order a pizza and not have to deal with the stoner on the other end of the phone line and that if I do want to get on the phone, I have the option of having sushi delivered to my fucking house but really: "Back in my day we couldn't Google anything." No wonder my balls are so wrinkly; I am old.
Anyway, back to the point: I had no idea what this thing was. So I called it a Cort Hagström copy because I thought it looked like an old school Hagström III a little. This was pretty much up until ten minutes ago. For seventeen years, I had no idea what exactly this thing was.
That picture to your right? Yeah, that picture is from the last time I asked for help in identifying it, which was about four maybe five years now. That background is my old kitchen from the carriage house over on second. I posted the picture because my supervisor downtown was a whiz at researching things, more so than I was, and I figured I could employ her skills.
I never heard back from her.
And so serendipity intervened. You see, I'm covering for Georgie this weekend while she had a booth at Red Hot Art over in Stevens Square. I've been stuck for ideas for a twenty fifth hundredth post and I'm putting in a ten day work week. So I figure I'd take advantage of her Netflix and watch some movies and then I ran out of movies that I gave a shit about and watched Portlandia. In season one, episode four, "Mayor is Missing", Fred and Carrie find Mayor playing in a reggae band. And I find a guy playing my guitar. With a decal on the headstock that reads CMI.
A clue. About my guitar. The guitar I don't know anything about.
And here was the "duh" part of it: All I do is Google "CMI guitar", go to images, and I see a picture of my guitar, calling it the CMI E200. So I Google "CMI E-200" and Google asks me if I mean "CMI E200" and I say "Okie dokie" and boom. Pictures. Of my guitar. My first guitar. The same one I learned all my first songs on. The same one I've had for seventeen years. That I never knew anything about. And now I know what the hell it is, because I finally found one with the right goddamned name on the headstock.
So three birds with one stone: I found out what my guitar was, I got material for my twenty fifth hundredth post, and I got to mention how wrinkly my balls are. Hooray!

23 July, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

We begin this week with probably one of the biggest "duh"s I've encountered since I began performing live...

THIS Saturday 7/28 (Big V's)

Date: 2012-07-23, 7:24AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for 1 or 2 more bands for this Saturday night at Big V's - 7/28/12

And here's the important part: Pay depends on how many people you get in the door Duh.
  • Location: Big V's
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK, remember the last guy from this batch of ads? Uh... yeah...

My Whirlygig Machine is ready. (Mpls. and Viral)

Date: 2012-07-21, 11:01PM CDT
Reply to: x.xxxx@yahoo.com Still rockin' the 'hoo mail in 2012. That should explain everything we need to know.

You can get my Hula-Loop from I-Tunes and use it any way you chose . I like how he put a space before the period as though to indicate that he had more to say in that clause, "... use it any way you choose, except..." It is so spectacular that you may want to rent a song
from Harry Fox Agency to assure your opportunity. I might want to rent a song to assure my opportunity... That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine. It won't hurt to use a real song. So, wait. Just now you were suggesting that I rent a fake song to assure my opportunity? You charlatan! I'm thinking of recording myself, but I prefer
to expedite the MACHINE useage and push the new beat. UUUhhh... I will be wanting "I will want" or "I want" but not "I will be wanting". $10 per mnute of track length to process your track
through "snail-maled CD', This is beautiful. I'm insulted by this guy yet at the same time I have no earthly fucking idea what he's talking about. Bravo! but really, the 1st Hula-Loop, "Organ-Grinder 1.1-B" is waiting for you. For me? You know? I kind of want to check out what the fuck this nonsense is now. Such is this man's marketing prowess: He pretends to be a loon and somehow sucks me into his bizarro world. I will create more "general
purpose" beats. I was hoping The 8th Street Grill would fix it on their Juke Box. Then they could pot a mic behind the bar,--- Wait, did he just try to make an ellipsis with three dashes? After a comma?
  • Location: Mpls. and Viral
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And again, every once in a while we try to go with the positivity angle. Such is the case for our next ad. I'm not anonymizing it in case there are any takers (legitimate takers), so please don't be dicks.

Looking for Music - July 31 (Austin, MN)

Date: 2012-07-21, 8:51PM CDT
Reply to: v23oly@aol.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hi there!

My name is Sarah Olson, a local keyboardist and representative for the MN band Eden. I'm working with a great group of people organizing annual events in Austin, MN. Held every Tuesday all summer long, these street dances, music fests, and art celebrations are fun and exciting ways to expand your name awareness, meet enthusiastic listeners, and have a good time. We're currently searching for musicians (hopefully country-infused) to perform 2 hours of music on July 31st. Can be a cover band, or originals/both, but we'd love to have a band with dance-able tunes.

Musicians would be compensated with $265.00 plus dinner for the members (within reason, like an applebee's dinner For real? Applebee's? If there's anything I take umbrage with in this ad, it's the Applebee's. or something Something, anything but Applebee's.).
Attendence is estimated to be 2,000 people. You're group's name will be plastered across the city with fliers and promotions, plus advertised on the website. www.downtownaustinmn.com
Everybody got that? Play a little country for two hours, split some cash between you and your bandmates, go to fucking... I don't know, not Applebee's but someplace... comparable but totally not after getting a bunch of free advertising and a two thousand head crowd. That seems AOK from where I'm sitting.

Please feel free to contact me anytime by call, text, or email if you have any questions, or are interested in performing.
If interested, send an e-mail with anything you have! A song sample, website, photo, and sound requirements would be sublime. I'd like to work with you to bring the best show to Austin possible!

Thank you for you're interest!
Again, I'm not anonymizing her contact info so I'm trusting everybody here to not be dicks.
Sarah Olson

  • Location: Austin, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Hey Drummers

Date: 2012-07-21, 12:34AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

F guitarist Would you believe it took me three minutes to figure out that the F meant female? For real. Is it really that hard to type "female"? It's only five more letters. w/alot of hard rock & melodic play time (rhythm & lead) searching for drummer for regular routine--starting with a couple of good jams.

I have a feel for 'The Doors,' You know, you - 'Led Zeppelin,' No, hold on. You re- 'Nirvana,' You really - 'Hendrix,' No, listen. You - 'Soul Asylum' You don't ha- or 'Wolfmother' You don- 'Stones' You don't have to put band names in quotation marks. 'Nugent'-- come as you are -- styles, along with some metal & mix of other styles including some music that is kind of obscure. I use tab and chord charts for reference and use the standard terms for co-writing. I don't mind setting up a metronome or click track to work with your timing quicker.

My contributions can be co-writer, multi-instrumental (guitar elec. and acous., keyboard, some wind, (bongo drum or drum duet feature), strings, and some vocals but definitely guitar, and can help with pre-mastering a mix. SSSooo you mean mixing? I'm handy with developing websites although I do not like the social network time commitment. Time commitment? Lady, I pimp this blog for less than two minutes per week and that's on Twitter, this blog's and my personal Facebook accounts, and Google+ (even though nobody hangs out on Google+). It's not that hard. I'm not shy about starting agreements to the legal effect; or making business contacts, setting up photo shoots, preparing and handing out promo, etc. MOST of my equipment is pots and pans, cleaning supplies, and yard tools... UUUhhh... what? BUT I do have just enough electronic equipment to play at small venues.

Please have a preference for a wide range of percussion. I'm all for a lengthy drum solo so feel free to go all out.

Required: Good energy, creativity, transportation, good attitude, decent equipment, Like, say, pots and pans, cleaning supplies, and yard tools. & be nice. Plan to make time count.
Stage experience helpful. Maturity expected. Gender doesn't matter.

No drug OK. or alcohol Fuck. You. related drama please. If interested, please include a link to your promotional material in your email. If you don't have promo,
send some details about the important things like ability, location, & times available. And this next part... Oh, this next part. Struck me as a work of pure genius: I will play anytime except in really really hot weather
like 95 degrees--f### that & I'm not driving through any icy blizzards either--f### that too.

Thanks for reading.


  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Guitarist Needed - Alternative/Indie Rock (Minneapolis)

Why, hello, advertisement that may be up alley. How are you today?

Date: 2012-07-20, 4:30PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for a guitarist to join bassist, drummer and female vocalist Sounds hot. writing and performing original music. We have 12 songs completed, waiting for you to put your own stamp on them. I can do that. There's also a whole stack of well-written lyrics waiting to have music put to them. Kind of backward compared to how I'm used to working but, hey, Gordon Gano claimed to write the lyrics before the music in the Violent Femmes.

Hoping to sound like some kind of mix of the following: PJ Harvey, Still familiar only with Rid of Me. Nick Cave, Still familiar largely with his Birthday Party work, not really too into his solo things that I've heard. Guided by Voices, A winning band if there ever was one and from Dayton. Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, There are no commas in their name but go ahead. Raveonettes, Were cool, got boring. CocoRosie, Well, somebody in the band's on bathtub crank; I think I can go ahead and make that assumption. The Kills, You know? Still haven't heard them. Pixies, I really like only Surfer Rosa and, uh, yeah, that's it. The XX, Heard. Wasn't wowed. Zoo Animal, Heard of, not compelled to investigate. Dead Weather... Is that one of Jack White's five bands? Because I can't keep track of his bullshit anymore. Need a guitarist whose playing can be sparse when needed, who can work with the musicians during practice to write music and help the singer with melodies. How about you just tell me how the fucking song goes?

About us:
-- We've been together about a year and started to play out when we lost our guitarist Did you check between the couch cushions?
-- The sound we're after would be a departure from this, but rough mixes of demos we recorded can be found here: There was a link here, now there isn't. (And to be honest, the music isn't bad.)
-- We have a large, comfortable practice space near 394 and Penn, That's way too fucking far for me and I say that not knowing where that is. and we rehearse every Thursday

About you:
-- Age 30+, Hello. unless you really like hanging out with 30-somethings, though we're way more fun than most That's a shame because I'm less fun than all.
-- Fun and creativity are main priorities but you have ambitions to record and play gigs I just want to be a rock star so I don't have to work anymore, is that OK?
-- Primarily a listener of the Current or Radio K, unless your tastes are too eclectic to fit a radio format Did you seriously just dictate to me which radio stations I listen to? You got some cajonés.
-- Not opposed to doing some covers as long as they're done in a unique style Are you talking about like the time the Dirty Projectors "reimagined" Black Flag's Damaged LP? Because I don't know...
-- Ability to sing harmony is a plus.

Thanks for reading this post. Shoot us a reply if it sounds like you might fit. UUUhhh...
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And stir shit in five, four, three...

Will Tucker and I Roots Band are Dishonest

Date: 2012-07-19, 10:01AM CDT
Reply to: r2rbb-3149355586@comm.craigslist.org

Will Tucker has stolen from many musicians. Items include, PA Systems, Whole PA systems? keyboards, guitars, money from gigs. This is an all round thief who needs to be deported Deported? Damn. back to Belize for felony theft and theft by swindle. That's a thing? It is important that we get the word out to all the places that this band plays and to all the people who might fall into his trap.

Reply if you have been a victim.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

here is the deal... (the state of minnesota)

Lay it on me.

Date: 2012-07-18, 9:54PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

im a drummer that has litterally done it all in the music indutry.... Literally all of it. i ran with the "big dogs" was not uncommon to have a 500,000 dollar tour bus in my driveway.... Half mil tour bus in the goddamned driveway. That's how he's livin', with the big dogs, bitches.

3 years ago i turned my back to the industry because i accomplished everything i wanted to do... He's a man of humility.

after being in the "big business" like i was, nothing can replace the rush of that "live experience" Except for maybe a speedball.

i moved to minnesota 1 year ago with no musicial ties.... i dont know any TALANTED MUSICIANS and i wanna play live.... every friday and saturday night.... Ambitious.

i have a killer pa to do shows with,
qsc amps, 4 yamaha floor monitors, jbl mains, lexicon processing, dbx compression, completely miced drum set,snake ect ect OK, I was letting you slide on your ellipsis because you're a braggart and an idiot but now? No. It's Ee Tee See. For Etcetera.
( i do need to get some subs again )
everything in road cases ready to go....
maybe 10k-15k in pa gear? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he's not married.

guessing i got another 8k in drum equipment...... Yeah, not married.

im ready to go, And, so, after all the bravado, after all the grandeur, after all the pompous windbaggery and inflated claims, when he says he's ready to go, where is he ready to go with all that talent? COVERS ONLY!

here is the catch, i live 2 hours outside minneapolis but i have no problem makeing the drive....
  • Location: the state of minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Other Vocalists & Songwriters Wanted For Collab (Anoka / Ramsey)

Date: 2012-07-18, 9:06PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for other songwriters and vocalists to collab into versatile original project, NorthWest Subs, Ramsey area, must sing well and play an instrument, I don't care if it's a tamborine, male, female, I don't care as long as you intend to go somewhere with original music.
Am very tired of people and bands that just don't add up, am willing to do a few remakes of tunes by top artists but going off the typical wall here.
I'm an older musician but not a musician, If you thought that part didn't make sense, read the next part. my tunes have been requested over other tunes I've played by other artists so GOING FOR IT.
Am about to produce my 6th CD this summer and am tired of going it alone. Only six? I'm on my fifteenth and still going it alone.

I know people who are incredibly talented at playing guitar but they can't write for chit. Hey, now. I've been writing for 30 years, publishing in top chart ranks for almost 8 years with SONY backing. Great. Your name? I work myself to death (2+ jobs) and would much rather be playing gigs (not bars) with others who know they should be going places other than a dead end job. This old schpiel again?

If you think like The Beatles, Traveling Wilburys, or any of those connections, send me a message! Yeah, I think this isn't going to work out.
Don't limit yourself either, I'm not limiting myself, I'm just saying... I do play some Hard Rock and appreciate the heck out of anyone who can make chit up Is that a word? Chit?* You know we're all adults here and you can say "shit" on Craigslist, right? and play with feeling.
I write music, and lyrics with hooks, when I post new music without my vocals I get the "why didn't you sing?" reviews .. No, you don't. I'm tired of holding out, I need the rest of the group

* It is a word. It's the copy of the bill that you sign when you pay.
  • Location: Anoka / Ramsey
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Keyboard Player wanted for Post-Punk/Dark Wave band (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-07-18, 12:40PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Established Minneapolis Post-Punk/Darkwave band seeking keyboard player. Main influences include: Killing Joke, No. The Chameleons, Don't know. The Sound, Don't know. Joy Division, Yes. The Cult, Yes. Bauhaus, Yes. The Cure, Yes. Sisters of Mercy, Kind of maybe sort of almost yes. and The Psychedelic Furs. Uh, OK. You get the idea. We play original music, with the occasional cover. We are four 30-somethings who have been playing music for many years, and are looking for someone who likes/worships the bands listed above, and who possesses basic musical abilities. You don't have to be Ray Manzarek. (If you don't know who he is, Seriously? You're going to assume that there are musicians out there who don't know who Ray Manzarek is? YouTube him, and you'll see what I mean. Fucking for real. That's it. That's it, I'm done. Y'all can see the kind of bullshit I put up with here in Minneapolis all the goddamned time. I'm done. I'm just done. I'm done. Never again. Fuck this shit, I'm moving to Detroit.) The keyboard doesn't even have to be your primary instrument. The style of keys our music requires is stripped-down and atmospheric in nature. We're looking for someone who is OK with that.

Also, you won't get paid. Oh, I'm going to love this. Any money we make from shows/merchandise goes back into the band. I don't get a say in what happens to my share? At all? What if I, you know, need that money? And look, I get it. This isn't supposed to be about money but now we're talking about money, particularly that the band will get paid and that I, as a member, will not be. You're making decisions about my share of the profits, so this isn't about money so much as it's about principal. That principal being that you don't get to decide what happens to what is rightfully mine, you dick. If we pull in a hundred bucks, your ass owes me twenty. You're not holding onto anything of mine or "investing" anything of mine for shit, pal. So I'm going to tell you right now, dicktit, unless you've got a hankering to find out what it's like to get kicked right in the goddamned jugular, you're going to give me my twenty percent and let me decide what happens to it. Otherwise, you can screw. There is a strong chance that in less than a year we'll be playing larger venues, and likely be planning a US and European tour. But for the time being, if you're looking for a paycheck, I'd recommend looking elsewhere. If I want a paycheck, I get a job. With you? All I want is my twenty goddamned percent. Your motivation, like ours, must be the music. Oh, it's about the music. It's never not been about the music. But I got principals and you got my twenty motherfucking percent. So what say we trade? I know, and we haven't even met each other yet. And you're already pissing me the fuck off. This is worse than internet dating.

You must be available for rehearsal two nights a week, Oh, so your bitch ass wants to go on a payment program? Fine. Get me ten percent at the first one and ten more percent at the fucking first one because you owe me twenty goddamned percent. have the ability to play a minimum of two shows a month, I'll have the ability to show up and collect my twenty motherfucking percent twice a month. have your own gear, I have my own gear. And I'm about to have twenty percent. I don't care if it comes out of your wallet or your ass but I'm getting my twenty fucking percent from some goddamned where, you can rest assured of that shit. and own a car. Shit, I'm about to put a down payment on one as soon as you pay me my twenty goddamned percent. Our practice spot is currently located in St. Louis Park, Your practice space is located in no place except for Owememoneystan. but we will likely be relocating to Minneapolis in a few months. And you better have my money. If you're interested in hearing more, I don't want to hear no goddamned stories. I want my fucking money. and possibly setting up an audition, contact us and we'll answer any questions you might have. Yeah, how about I collect the money at the end of the night and give everybody their twenty percent and you can worry about how much I won't have to whoop your ass with a belt now that I'm the one in charge of the money. Serious inquiries only please.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Drummer Needed - Electronica sound on Acoustic drums? (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-07-17, 12:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi there! Hold the fuck on, I need to compose myself after that last one...
[shakes head]
[pinches bridge of nose]
[clears throat] Hello.

I'm forming a quartet (guitar, bass, drums, F vox)...and I'm looking for a drummer that can mimic electronica sounds and beats on a traditional kit. Triggering is ok, but the thought of a full electronic drumkit brings back visions of the Thompson Twins circa 1988 and that's not a look we're going for. So you're basing your whole ad on what instruments look like. This is going to be painful.

Here's the plan: whip up a set-list (Massive Attack, Goldfrapp-type stuff) OK. and play the dinner circuit Dinner circuit? Like a lounge band? regularly (Red Stag, Kitty Kat, Loring Pasta, etc. etc.). You'll always be paid for a gig You see? That's what I'm talking about. I get my goddamned share and I decide what to do with it. (I don't take a cut), OK, that's suspicious. though if you've played around at all, you know there isn't a lot of money in it, and I'd rather you play for the joy of it.

If we have the right chemistry, we'll start writing original tunes, and playing non-dinner venues (Turf, Nomad, 400, etc). SSSooo... not be a lounge band?

The singer has a gorgeous voice...the arrangements will be uber-stripped down, very simple, the drums and bass will be the soul of the songs. And cue the a cappella techno sounds: nn-ts-nn-ts-nn-ts-nn-ts

As for us, we're all in our early 30's, with other job/families/houses, but still in the music scene. All of us live within 8 miles of downtown Minneapolis.

ps. I'm also open to having a drummer and a percussionist, though for $$-sake You. Whore. It's not about the money. I'd rather keep it a quartet That way, I get twenty five percent.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

20 July, 2012

Get ready for the new best thing ever this week.

OK OK OK, so, yes, you're about to watch a dancing bear. I'd like to describe it further but then I'd give up spoilers. Yes, twenty five second videos can have spoilers.

19 July, 2012

It's a very special "Uh, what?" for my half birthday.

Welp, I'm 31½ today. And what better way to celebrate then to make things about me? I was looking for pictures of old school girl bands when I found the picture below at Tom O'Shea's blog, Books, Beers, and Ballpoints. The caption read, "Another concept sketch, this is Charlie, a tomboyish, direct and friendly kind of girl with a thing for old girl bands." So I guess that explains it. Sort of.

18 July, 2012

This is how I'm going to break up my bands from now on.

Thanks to EA user barndog, we now have the greatest piece of footage you will see this week. Maybe any week. Behold:

16 July, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

You know, here at SD&A, when we do the weekly musicians' ads, we'd like to think that we're not all about negativity and bad vibes, we'd like to think that we give something back to the community. Hence, our first ad...

Band Contest Need Views (youtube)

Date: 2012-07-15, 11:58AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

We are a teenage band trying to win a contest at Groth music. Help us out by watching us on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=shdfMo-zyuc
The most views by 10am on July 16th wins. Thanks! :)
OK, everybody, lets help the kids. Click the hell out of that link. Don't actually watch the video, just click the shit out of the link so the kids' view counter goes up and they win something.
You see? Positivity. Giving something back. That's what we're about here.
Yeah, I screwed up. When I read that ad, it was about nine thirty in the morning so there was still time. But I didn't get this up until twenty to one. Just goes to prove that I can screw up, too.
Even though I totally never do.

  • Location: youtube
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


Date: 2012-07-14, 3:48PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

New Hard Rock band looking for Guitarist and Vocals. I recently went down to Texas to record a Demo You went where? to Texas To do what? to record a Demo Six hundred bajillion recording studios in the Twin Cities and your ass had to go eleven hundred miles south to record a fucking demo. with the help of a band called "Anew Revolution". Never heard of them. We recorded 5 songs You went all the way down to gotdam Texas to record five songs? and the production sounds great for a demo. It should after you went all the way to Texas. I'm looking for guys that want to take this stuff all the way. Show of hands: How many people thought that was a gay reference? I'm starting make some good connections with people. Looking for a Guitar player Hello. that can be committed and a cool dude to hang around. I'm out. Doesn't have to be Eddie Van Halen or Zakk Wylde. The music is more along the playing lines of Chevelle Uhh... mixed with Breaking Benjamin. Err... As far as a singer goes, I want someone that will stand out. Someone who has the potential to scream and carry melodies. More like Jacoby from Papa Roach. Gaw... As well as the energy. That's all well and good, but where do you want to take this? My plan is to take this to a whole new level. You hear that? A whole. New. Level, motherfuckers. When we get to playing shows, I want the whole works. . ..Lights, Walls of amps and whatever it is so we stand out than any other band we play with! You dream that impossible dream. Putting on an amazing show is a big part of getting people to follow you! Anyone can Go to Texas? pick up a guitar or get behind the drums but sometimes that gets boring. PUT ON A SHOW DUDES!!!...I'm probably one of the most down to earth, passionate guys you will meet!! He said with great humility. My name is Xxxxx, Im 24 and I play drums and guitar but Im sticking with drums for this!!! Did that really require the triple exclamation point? So if you're interested in taking music to the Wait for it... next level. Lets go. . .call anytime or text! xxx-xxx-xxxx or email. Check out a few tunes I have at www.reverbnation.com/xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
  • Location: St. Paul, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Again, we're going to go positive. Somebody hook this guy up so he doesn't have to play at the fucking Nicollet.

Pillow Army - looking for place to play 7/22, 7/23 - Seattle swap? (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-07-13, 7:50PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Pillow Army -- "Army of One" Solo Tour Uh...

". . . really goddamned great music." -- CORY DOCTOROW -- BoingBoing.net

"You should go see them; they know how to put on a great live show, their songwriting is top-notch, and they're on their way to being gigantic."
- PAUL CONSTANT -- The Stranger

Hello Minneapolis Craigslist!
I am the singer/songwriter for Seattle chamber-rock bandPillow Army. I am doing a solo tour from Nashville to Seattle this month, but my booking has been delayed due to personal reasons and I am now scrambling to find a place to play. I'm looking for something in the Minneapolis area on July 22nd and/or 23rd (club, coffee house, or even a private house party.) If anyone needs an act, please contact me! If your band ever tours in the Seattle area, I could return the favor and find you a show there. You see, positivity. Bands helping bands. That's what we should be about here. Not snark.

My set-up will be fast as all I need is a vocal mic. I'll be bringing people to the show as there are friends in town who haven't seen me in a while. I am also promoting the tour through social media and internet radio. My set can be energetic and folk-punk with upbeat songs and a looping pedal, or I can tailor it to be more laid back depending on the other bands on the bill.

You can hear Pillow Army here -- Pillow Army Music

And here are some solo acoustic tracks:
120 BPM - demo
Chicken Wants Her Beak Back - live in studio
Bleeding For You - demo

You can reach me by responding to this post.

I don't need any money (though I won't say no to a cut of the door) and will have a donation box and some merch to sell. I appreciate any help. Thanks! - Tim

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Violinist (Twin Cities)

Date: 2012-07-13, 2:30PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Professional violinist & member of T.C. Musician's Union Local #30-73. We have a union? I can provide fine string music for your event. Solo or ensemble. No, for real, I included this one only because I didn't know we had a union.
  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And our "Stop Being a Fucking Doofus" award goes to...

Punk bass player wanted (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-07-13, 12:31AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com

Need a bass player to complete our punk band that sounds sorta like NoFX, Bad Religion and Face to Face while I'm in the next room banging your mom. But those three bands are in the first room? See what I did there? Yes, I did. I told you bands we like, I know, I was there for that part. but also planted a seed in your head that your mom should come to watch our practices. Really, you don't have to explain it to me. Because then I can bang her. I picked up on that. But in a good way. Sure. Because she's your mom, and I respect that. You've never met my mother and you need to stop posting like you just got done watching a Kevin Smith movie marathon.

We have a bunch of songs ready to play out; will add some covers and new ones once you get your shit together and email me. Because I'm clearly the one whose shit is not together.

No unreliable flakes, shitty players, or ones who aren't into punk. Is that how we're going to spend our time now? Trying to prove how punk we are? We will kick you out for wasting our time. We know we might feel a little bad about it, but also that the feeling will go away eventually. Just like you did. Unless you're cool. RRRiiiggghhhttt.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Bassist and Guitarist seek drummer (Minneapolis MN)

Date: 2012-07-12, 10:10PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi we are an instrumental progressive/psychedelic rock trio/duo And cue the Hank Hill Bah! who is looking for a new drummer. Our current drummer is having some personal issues and is never around to practice anymore, so we're looking to see if there is anyone out there who can replace him. Is anyone else getting the whole we-haven't-told-our-drummer-we're-replacing-him-yet vibe from this? Anyone who is interested please contact us ASAP!
  • Location: Minneapolis MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Drummer needed for music video this weekend! (Minneapolis, MN)

Date: 2012-07-10, 7:02PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey, Everyone.

We're Xxx Xxxx'xx, a local band who is shooting the final scene of our music video this Sunday. Our drummer cannot make it so we wanted to reach out to the Craigslist community for somebody with drum-playing-experience to sit behind our drum set while we 'mock' play our song. So, wait. Instead of scheduling the shoot for a time that is convenient for everybody in the band, you would rather have somebody who is not in your band appear in the video with your band instead of the person who is actually in your band? You mean to tell me that you have so little respect for your drummer that instead of proposing to move the video shoot back a few days or a week or so so that he could be in it, you'd rather have an imposter? We'll need roughly an hour, An hour? An hour? It's not an all day thing where the camera crew has to seriously reconnoiter their calendar to get things taken care of? It's not a situation where there are union regulations and shit regarding the length of a work day or whatever, it's just an hour? You can't wait to do this hour some other time? With your drummer? and all this individual has to do is listen to our song a few times to get a feel for how it goes.

You can check us out on Facebook at There was a link here, now there isn't. or hit me up via email!

~Xxxxx Or, as I like to call him, Guy Who Hates His Drummer.

image 0
image 0

image 1

image 2

image 3

  • Location: Minneapolis, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

12 July, 2012

Uh... what?

So, this guy, Nam June Paik, he was kind of a big deal. Enough of a big deal that he has his own Wikipedia page. Do you have a Wikipedia page? No. No. Sucker.
Here's the thing, though: I'm not sure I could watch all four minutes of this.

11 July, 2012

Bizarre Coincidence of the Day

I've had the pleasure of making Mr. Foley's acquaintance. And then I watched The Odessa File. Witness:

10 July, 2012

You mean to tell me that I'm just finding out about this now?

Witness the Otamatone:
Apparently, this little guy has been on retail shelves since two thousand goddamned nine and nobody told me about it. They come in black (like notes are supposed to look like) and white (which I don't know if the Japanese know what sperm looks like but, you know, the Japanese...) for a handsome price and a multitude of colors that, for some reason, are a little pricier. Apparently colored plastic is expensive in Japan. Anyway, I'm about to order one.

ADDENDUM: No, I will not be ordering one. Not with eighteen dollar shipping, anyway.

09 July, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Well, with Butt Week over, we get back to normal now can't we?

drone-pop? dirty shoegaze?

Date: 2012-07-08, 5:30PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

theres gotta be someone else out there with a pedal and an amp right? Uh...

drop a line
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Singer/guitarist seeks acoustic musicians for new group (Apple Valley)

Date: 2012-07-08, 2:56PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I'd like to form a new group to play great acoustic/pop/classic country/bluegrass/blues/rock 'n roll/gospel. I play guitar, bass, keys, banjo and harmonica and sing lead/harmonies, and I'm a good front man. If you're a bass player, mandolinist, keyboard player, fiddler or a multi-instrumentalist, and if you like playing great songs with strong vocals, perhaps we should talk. (A tasteful drummer who can play many styles would be great, too.) Yeah, you'll probably need one of those. I'm looking to start things out on a (very) low-key, part-time basis and see what happens.

I'd like to put something together that's special: songs that really work onstage, great leads and harmonies, excellent musicianship, and--perhaps most importantly--an ability to actually perform and engage an audience. I'm not interested in people who look down at their feet So the shoegaze kid up there is out. or act like they'd rather be anywhere else than on a stage. If you can't look a crowd in the eye and smile while you play, I'm not really what you'd call "a smiler". this probably isn't the group for you. I like to work with people who actually look like they're enjoying what they do. Can I show you my O-face? I think there's a real opportunity for a group of strong singers/musicians/showmen who can own a stage and make an audience sit up and pay attention. It would be fun to find some like-minded individuals who feel the same way.

No smokers, Fuck you. drinkers, Double fuck you. or druggies, please. Also, it would be good if you actually looked like a taxpaying citizen who shaves and/or takes a bath occasionally. Yes. He actually said that. You don't have to be dashingly handsome, but please look presentable. Sorry, I don't have time for wannabes or beginners. I'm not a kid anymore (although I have nothing at all against talented, good young people), so age isn't an issue for me. Just be mature and reasonable. This could be a lot of fun and a way to do something really unique if we can find the right people. I hope to hear from some of them.

Please send your name, phone number, and a brief description of what you like, what you do/have done in the past, and what kind of music pushes your buttons. Thanks for reading this.
  • Location: Apple Valley
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Bassist wanted $30 per hour (Twin Cities)

Oh, shit. We're going hourly, now?

Date: 2012-07-07, 3:54PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi all, Hello, prospective employer?
I am a jazz drummer lookin' to practice with an acoustic jazz bass player. Uh-huh. Minimum, $15 per half hour, minimum 2 hours, or $60 per session. UUUhhh... Lil Jon What? I want to hear sound files though, and not, oh I just played a "rock-tard gig" and that's all all I have. If it works, 2X per month. You're shelling out a hundred twenty bucks a month to just practice with somebody? Good easy gig? Thanks.
  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I swear to fuck that the next one is so perfect in every way that it has to be a fabrication. Seriously, nobody does this much pitch perfect damage to the English language accidentally. Not even people from non-English speaking countries can butcher the language as beautifully as what this person did.
And if this isn't real, don't tell me. I'm putting this thing on a t-shirt.


Date: 2012-07-06, 9:25PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

  • Location: Shakopee
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Bands/Musicians Needed For Isanti County Fair (Cambridge, MN)

Oh, isn't this pleasant? The Isanti County Fair (Where the fuck is Isanti County?) is coming up and they're looking to book entertainment.

Date: 2012-07-06, 6:44AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

A Great Opportunity to REACH a NEW Audience!
July 19, 20 and 21st 2012!! Bands and musicians wanted to play the Isanti County Fair!
All types of music wanted! All types of music! They're not discriminating.
This is the 135th Anniversary of our fair and we are
"Celebrating Living History!" A hundred thirty five years this thing has gone on, it's a tradition and it's fun for the whole family.
Please respond with-
1.) a link to where I can preview your sound-
bandcamp youtube JUST SOMETHING SO I don't have to google search you- A not at all unreasonable request.
2.) a $ Quote and if you'll play for free or close to free. So you are asking for bands to volunteer their time and services but you are also willing to pay them. You're not lying to them and trying to convince them that the exposure they receive is payment but actually offering a monetary compensation with the implication that, since you're a county fair and not a huge big to-do, you don't have a whole lot of money to pay them with but you are still willing to negotiate a manner in which you can put money in their hands, am I inferring that correctly? Because I think I am: You're not bullshitting anybody and you're trying to give everybody a fair shake, right?
This is a last minute addition to the fair but I will market you all HARDCORE if we get the line up done by Saturday!! And you're going to do the gotdamn promotions for them!? Fuck, seriously. Also- a merch girl will be there to sell your stuff if needed! And you will provide staff for the bands for the day. You are giving the bands an employee, an employee who will sell their stuff for them so they don't have to. This is one of the better deals I've read on Craigslist, and it comes to us courtesy of the Isanti County Fair. Respond very promptly if you are interested!

  • Location: Cambridge, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And, naturally, somebody has to piss all over it.

Re: Bands/Musicians Needed For Isanti County Fair (Cambridge, MN) (Yaaaa!)

Date: 2012-07-06, 12:35PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

My band, like most, would love the exposure that comes with playing for free (or almost free) at your money making event. Bruv, it's the Isanti County Fair, innit. It's not the state fair. Morris Day and the Time will not have a two-night engagement there. The Butter Queen will not be making an appearance. (For my non-MN peeps, yes... We have a Butter Queen.) The petting zoo will be larger than the rides section and one of the cars on the Tilt-A-Whirl will be stuck. So do everybody a favor, pull your head out of your ass. There's no "and" to that. Just pull your head out of your ass. You didn't ask (but we know you will) so sure, we'd also love to bring our own PA, since renting one would obvously cut into your profits. No, you know what? He didn't ask about a PA. Probably because he has that lined up. Sure, it's not the state fair but it's also not some impromptu "festival" on some private citizen's plot of land. It's the Isanti County Fair. County. As in that large governing jurisdiction thing locale that nobody knows the purpose of but it has funding, I think. He's got the PA. Trust me, he can pay your mouse, he's got your PA. Heck, we'll even hang around all day so the other free bands can use it. You mean the other free bands that he's willing to pay?

Since you're obviously very busy with the flood of bands wanting in, here's a direct link to our band website:

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=go+fuck+yourself Really? Really? You're taking it there. With a county fair organizer. Jesus wept, man.

Hope to hear from you soon!!!!!!
  • Location: Yaaaa!
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Keyboardist wanted (twin cities)

Date: 2012-07-04, 12:51PM CDT
Reply to: Xxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Singer, bassist, drummer and guitarist are seeking key/ synth player for serious band. Practice 1 or 2 times/ week, gig once/ month, record soon. New wave, post-punk, art-rock, indie, dark...

Call Xxxxxxx @ xxx.xxx.xxxx Wow, a direct, clear, and perfectly reasonable ad with no fluff or filler.
  • Location: twin cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And then five minutes later...

Keys wanted (twin cities)

Date: 2012-07-04, 12:56PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hello! We're (guit., bass, drums, vox) looking for someone to play keys for our band. we have a practice space, gear and lots of music(kind of post-punk/psychedelic/ new wave/ art-rock). Influences:
Bauhaus, siouxie, Echo Numan, Duran, Sisters, Joy Division, Gang of 4, Wire, Legendary Pink Dots, Skinny Puppy, Japan, eurythmics, Cocteau, Adam Ant, Cure, Bowie, Eno, Nick Cave, Roxy Music, The Cars, The Doors, Pink Floyd, The English Beat, The Specials, Kraftwerk, The Police, Radiohead,The Residents, ymo, simple minds, Tangerine dream, human league, grace jones, Mr. Bungle, Arcade fire, Bat for lashes, bjork, st. germain, a-ha, cult, faith no more, natcha atlas, sex pistols, minutemen, lords of acid, king crimson, goblin, zappa, velvet underground, tv on the radio, my life with the thill kill cult, jane's addiction, sigur ros, steve vai, billy idol, wendy williams, prince and probably some other people.
I don't get it. He was doing so good and then he had to come back and do this to us.

ask for xxxxxxx@xxx phone ... xxx ... number xx ... xx

  • Location: twin cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Send me a sample short riff, (Everywhere)

Date: 2012-07-02, 12:27PM CDT
Reply to: x.xxxx@yahoo.com Spoiler alert!

8 to the bar, 4- 8 measures, and as time permits I will put it through my HULA-LOOP machine, and e-mail return. WWWhhhaaattt???
Your drum-track will pan across a "stereo-circular" sound-stage several times. So it's quadrophonic? Is quad making a comeback? Use it free to infect your viral. To what my what?
Next one, you pay for. So it's crack, then. You're selling crack, is that what you're telling me? Or, get "Organ Grinder 1.1-B Hula Loop" from I-tunes and overlay yur jazzmatazz. So, wait, the service you're offering, is to put my drum track through an iTunes plugin?
  • Location: Everywhere
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

07 July, 2012

It's the end of another Butt Week.

All good things must come to an end.

06 July, 2012

Ninja Butt!

I'm pretty sure this should read "sword-catching-butt", otherwise, the way they have it implies that the sword catches the butt when it's really about the butt catching the sword. Maybe butts catching swords means something different in Japanese. New Guy Scott was in Japan for a while, maybe he can tell me. Then again, he didn't see the Fuccons while he was there, he may be unaware of Japan and the butt thing that they have. If they have a butt thing in the first place. Look, I'm hungover, I don't even know what the hell I'm doing right now.

04 July, 2012

It's a patriotic Butt Week post!

The lead off track from Butt Buttspring's Butt in the Butt.Ass.A. - I'm sorry, that should read Bruce Springsteen's Look at my Ass! (seen below) is the story of a kid that gets drafted and sent to 'Nam, then comes home only to find that nobody wants to hire him and the VA can't help and, oh, also his brother bought it in the "police action".
Ronald Reagan actually used this as a campaign song, apparently nobody took the time to listen to the clearly audible lyrics.

02 July, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads. (Butt Week Edition)

I'm not going to lie: These are iffy, iffy in that they're a little off and not outright offensive. Let's just power through these, though. It's Butt Week after all and we can't be wasting time not talking about butts.

established musicians seeking drums and bass for hr/metal project (mpls)

Date: 2012-07-01, 12:35PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

we have tunes,practice space,sponsors, booking,just need a drums and bass. OK, wait wait wait wait wait. You have a booking agent and "sponsors" but you're not even a whole band yet? me and the singer both come from accomplished bands and need people that can make this project move along fast. it is all original. some influences are Your sponsors? avenged sevenfold,disturbed,five finger death punch.etc
  • Location: mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Need a heavy creative bassist with balls M/F!!! 25+ (St. Paul)

Uh, yeah, about that... I know it's been only a week since I last checked but girls don't usually have balls. And I thought we established before that we were supposed to come up with a more gender-specific / empowered feminist term for girl balls, like labia or ovaries or something. Didn't we do that? I could've sworn we did.

Date: 2012-07-01, 11:53AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Original project is looking for an experienced, versatile and highly creative bassist (over 25 please) to add to our sound and creative process.
Modern, Hard driving and melodic sound with some influences from Rush Really? and The Beatles to Radiohead, OK, so they're those guys. System of a Down, I've never meh'd harder in my life. Fair to Midland, I was not aware a band had that name. Tool, OK, I take it back: I have meh'd harder. Vampire Weekend, I think they have a song on some NPR show that I like. Phantogram, That's a band? Crystal Castles, That sounds like some hipster bullshit to me. etc.
Call or text me at xxx xxx-xxxx. Must be experienced in and desire to play and create heavier melodic style music. 6 string and fretless bass a plus! If you play the kazoo, that's a plus.
If you're into pop, blues, jazz, classic and bar rock, this is not a good fit!
Will respond to ALL! Wait the fuck up there, Captain Caveman: You cite the Beatles as an influence but you're telling people that being into pop music may negate their ability to fit into your band? You cite Rush but warn people against liking classic rock? And blues and jazz? Where the fuck do you think rock was born from?

DISCLAIMER: This is an original project! If you spent 20 years in cover bands and do not possess an ounce of creativity in your body, do not apply; if you are 18 to 21 and wanna start a band, do not apply; if you have no gear or horrible gear, do not apply; I still want to know who "applies" without equipment. if you have no car or a broken ass car, I have a bike. do not apply; Oh. If you live out of the Metro area and later decide it is too far to drive to practices or gigs, please stay in the sticks; if you are a flake prone to last minute cancellations or are non-responsive, WE DON'T WANT YOU!!! All others are graciously invited!
  • Location: St. Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

HEY SHOW ME YOUR MUSIC!!! (in my films)

Date: 2012-07-01, 2:06AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

HEY YOU LISTENED! I what? ALRIGHT! Wait, what?
hey is anyone interested in letting me use any of there original works in a film project? UUUhhhhhh... i don't know exactly how i'd use it yet, I don't know because, you know, the whole I-don't-make-movies thing but, if I were to venture a guess, I'd reckon you would use them as part of the, uh, soundtrack. just wanna know if anyone would be interested in the collaboration... do the whole fancy i use your song in a short film post it on the youtube put you in the credits and a link in the description ... UUUhhhhhh... its all win ...
if your interested email me and link me to some of your work ... any type of music.... if your reading this and thinking "well he wouldn't wanna use my music" Actually, you probably wouldn't. well my friend you are wrong, Am I now? So you want my bossanova lounge song about scissor fucking or do you want my drop-A stoner metal song about butt fucking? so yeah e-mail, go , now! I'm just happy I got to make this just a little bit more about Butt Week.

so far i've gotten some great responses but i think i can do better, I really want to make a zen joke here about contentment but I'm coming up short. I think I might have to talk about butts some more.

why haven't you send me an e-mail eh? Are you Canadian?
don't have much faith in your band? Well, I'm kind of just one guy and not a band.
well your never gonna make it anywhere with only yer mum listenin' My mom doesn't listen, so there.
so send me an email!

this is a great opportunity to get your music heard. Isn't that what everybody who wants to avoid paying a band their fair share says?
i am literally asking you to let me Use my music gratis? listen to your music,
so that in the future i might use it Without contractually obligating you to paying me a royalty for the usage.
and that's free advertising for you ... "Free advertising": The crook's way of not paying anybody.

  • Location: in my films
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

musician (buffalo)

Date: 2012-06-29, 9:04PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Musicians wanted between the ages of 17 and 28. Full benefits Benefits? You mean like 401K or something? must know how to read music I'm out. and audition, Know how to audition? good pay and many opportunities for travel. Must be serious
  • Location: buffalo
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Local Band Looking for New Members (Mpls)

Date: 2012-06-29, 6:21AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Our band is looking for additional members. Go on. We are looking for a lead guitar, bass, dummer, Do you mean "dumber"? and keys player. UUUhhh... Those... Those aren't really additional, you know that, right? Those are more like, um, you know, requisite. If interested, please contact me.

  • Location: Mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

LOOKING FOR MUSIC SPONSORS, if that makes sense? (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-06-28, 5:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am booking a few events at places around town... Looking for sponsors who want in... You don't need to perform, but showing up will be nice, not just providing posters of who you are at such locations serving the event. Or events.

Please provide your number and name upon contact to find out in detail to what kind of sponsorship I am talking about here.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

This next one is just a little awkward.

Heavy Metal you dont want to miss (Saint Paul)

Date: 2012-06-27, 11:07AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Raising money to fight human trafficking with some of the best heavy metal the state has to offer

the Only show that XXXXXX will be doing in the Metro area this year as they kick off their 2012 Tour

There was a link here, now there isn't. And by the way, if anybody wants to know what I find so funny about this, leave a comment and I'll get back to you there. From where I'm sitting, the situation is rather Arrested Development-esque.
  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I'm not going to lie: I have no idea what this guy is going on about.

Music Has Charms To Sooth The Savaged Wallet (ALL)

Date: 2012-06-26, 3:18PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Barbara Streisand could fill the room, not because she is a celebrity, but because she can SING, and because she does SONGS.
Like, you gatta restaurant/bar thing, Check out ASCAP and comply/submit. Hire musicians that PLAY ONLY those tunes, and advertise THAT fact. Put a billboard outside showing two sets, the 18 songs played in each, and the ABSOLUTE TIMES of the downbeat of each SONG'S performance.
PAY the band SO WELL that bands are fighting to get the gigs and learn the tunes, well enough so that an ARTISTIC VIRTUOSO can afford to PAY a selected group of musicians, and be their BOSS.
DAMM, yer dumb, aintcha?
  • Location: ALL
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Professional Engineer! (Brooklyn Center)

Date: 2012-06-25, 11:37PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am a professional engineer, Oh, hello, entrepreneurial-minded person trying to ingratiate himself into the local music scene, how are you? I charge $35 for 1 track. Not bad. I also do packages. Of? Like 5 tracks for $150 and 10 tracks for $250 or a whole album for $350. I have been doing mixing and mastering for over 5 years, I have a degree in it. I run through paypal. I use FL10, Pro Tools 10, Adobe Audition CS5 and Cubase 6. Why, it sounds like you're making do with the tools available to you to provide a service to local musicians who may not know how to record themselves. If interested e-mail me at xxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com and I'll send you samples. Who could possibly find fault in this?
  • Location: Brooklyn Center
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

This dickhead.

RE: Professional Engineer! (Really?)

Date: 2012-06-26, 8:46PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hi "professional" Engineer!
First of all, I have to let you know that your post is miss categorized and should be posted under SERVICES, I would suggest to you to pick the CREATIVE tab under that. But that is not even my issue. I suggest to you to drop the "Professional" from your title. Because Professional Engineers, like me know that what you are offering doesn't even pay the donuts for your session. Where are you even operating from? At your moms basement using an Mbox? $35 dollar doesn't even pay for one hour Studio Rental at any studios in town. Except maybe your mom's basement. OK, 1) He's probably aware that US$35 dollars doesn't cover an hour in a studio and that's why he charges only that much: So bands that can't afford a studio but want to record now can and he gets to Hoover up that business that more expensive studios - places with bills and shit - can't afford to cater to. 2) Did you really just make the same mom's basement joke in the same clause? Let's say high pathetically I'm not going to lie: I laughed my ass off when I read that and knew that Former Contributing Author Daver would lose a nut over that one as well. I want to have a song recorded by you. Just one song. You will do it for $35 dollar. Thirty five dollar dollar? I will bring all the musicians I need for my song, it's just you and your mbox. I need to record drums, guitars, bass, some synths and vocals. I believe we can do the tracking in 8 hours including setup and tear down. Then you probably will spend another 2 to 3 hours editing, because...hey I am not perfect, or I thought I was until you hear it. After that you will mix my song and probably spend at least 2 hours. After that you will run it through Ozotope software and you called it Mastered, even though a true professional doesn't master his own mixes.

Total of 13 hours $35:13= 2.69$ per hour

WOW! that's almost minimum wage. Actually, that's less than half of minimum wage by a full dollar, dick-tit. And what the fuck are you so concerned with his income for? Do you really think this guy doesn't have a straight gig that provides his primary source of income?

Seriously, because of people like you, the legitimate Professional Audio Engineers get a bad reputation. How? By making it so bands who can't afford studios get to record their records? Consider this: First of all, he's not stealing your business; your business comes to you because they can afford you, his business goes to him because they can't afford you. Secondly, engineers who get bad reps get bad reps for doing shitty jobs, not undercutting their competition by doing a little business aside from their usual line of work. Either you just do this for fun or you have not paid attention during your Business class.

  • Location: Really?
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the above-featured dickhead made a friend!

RE: RE: Professional Engineer! (Really?) (Anywhere)

Date: 2012-06-27, 2:53AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I totally agree with you. I am sure he does have an Mbox (which is terrible). Focusrite all the way :) You did the colon & end parentheses smiley for a brand of D-A converter?
35 per song is so low. Yeah, it's not bad at all. Its so low you already know what your product is going to sound like. Well, somebody got their daily serving of Haterade, didn't they?
My starting recording price is 40/hr and 100/per song for mixing and mastering and I engineer in a studio downtown Minneapolis. I should probably stop because I know of a few studios in downtown Minne and some of the guys I graduated with got jobs at one in particular, so I run the risk of talking shit about guys I know and like... but then there's this: If you lowball yourself, you are going to be put into the pile of bad engineers. Right, because price tag determines quality. Good talk, Dad.
To the OP, I would rethink your whole recording/making money plan. Totally. I mean, where does he think his strategy of being less expensive than you is going to get him? Still doing it after five years or something? Jeez-Louise, the nerve of that guy trying to provide the community with an inexpensive option.
  • Location: Anywhere
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

looking for horrible musicians for noise rock band (anoka county)

Date: 2012-06-25, 5:21PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey there! Hello. I've always wanted to start a noise/shock rock band to just freak people out and flip this scene on its side. OK, so you're sixteen then. I'm looking for a keys player, a few guitar players, a bassist, a drummer, and maybe even more instrumentation. Sort of like an Arcade Fire meets Unsane. I can dig it. Maybe a juggler or dancer to boot? A juggler? I know a juggler. Her old man told me she was really into anal, rim jobs and all that. No shit. (This really has turned out to be beneficial for Butt Week.) All I ask is that you are not a schooled, technically proficient musician. Had I known that I would have read this ad when I was fourteen, I would've never taught myself how to play. The more raw and sloppy you are, the better. That's what she said. You should not be afraid to put on an insane stage show. Think the dillinger escape plan minus the musicianship. If you feel like pushing the envelope and scaring the crap out of people, message me. Have a nice day :)
  • Location: anoka county
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.