18 June, 2012

Your weekly musician's ad.

OK... Yes, there is only one this week. Not a single other ad could compete with this. I felt winded after reading it. Further, if I wanted to, I could slather this thing in orange text but that would detract from it, I trust you don't need to see my snark when we have this kind of brilliance. Maybe tomorrow, maybe this afternoon after I clean the front of my pants and catch my breath I'll put up an orange text version, just not now.
I assure you: I didn't make any of this up.


Date: 2012-06-15, 2:10PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Bass Players!

Do people call you a quivering, unoriginal douche with little-to-no musical talent? If so, take a big step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.

If, however, you are the kind of MOTIVATED and CREATIVE bassist who enjoys playing metal where every note is either brown, techy, or tasty, but ALWAYS engineered to rupture testicles like Godzilla on a bad PCP trip demolishing metaphoric ear-buildings by swinging your priapic, scaly reptile fuck-truncheon through them with ferocity, you should reply to this.

But before this orgiastic riot of auditory pillaging can happen, you should have a car to get to practice. Please, PLEASE have a car. How can you lasciviously pound auditory glory-holes if you can't get to practice? Also, RENT for the practice space-cum-torture chamber will be required. I known I know, Baconlube is expensive and paying rent when you barely make anything playing shows sucks, but it's part of the deal.

You have pro gear, right? Of COURSE you do, because how the hell are you going to propulsively eject your musical Shame-Gravy all over the unbelievers if you don't have appropriate gear? You'll probably want a five-string, but hey, some motherfuckers can implode nutsacks with four. If you don't have good gear then showing up for practice will be like the doubtlessly ironically-named William Hung going to a porn shoot and standing next to Ron Jeremy and Lexington Steele. Yeah, shameful. But you're serious, so this isn't a problem.

There are 12 nifty songs for you to waltz right into. When you're finished with your veggies, you get to move on to dessert, which in this metaphor means WRITING NEW MATERIAL. This won't be a nine-year-long wait to work on a new album; instead, you will be brought into the fold to take part in a musical gang bang of triumph and metal! Maybe if At The Gates and "Heartwork"-era Carcass went on a 90s death metal listening spree, then catapulted their wax tadpoles in a stunning DEATH BUKKAKE!!!!1!! all over Opeth's face, collected the drippings, and mixed them with the tot-mix of the Summer Slaughter lineup in a vulgar, metal milkshake to be incubated in the womb of Mother Earth before being shot out in a miles-high pillar of magma afterbirth and rage it would be similar to what will happen with this band. . . but we'll never know, as the true awesomeness of what was just described ruins panties and lives simply by being hypothesized.

Listen to the sample track. If you love it, cast in with the lot and be ready to cause hemorrhaging like the synced monthly flow of Lilith Fair. If not, thanks for your time and best luck to your face.

We're still finishing up putting together the band, (You're the last piece) so a name isn't yet decided. Come bearing fucknominal ideas.

There were two links here, now there aren't.


If ya Dig, call or text Xxxx @ xxx-xxx-xxxx.
  • Location: MPLS
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