18 June, 2012

Your weekly musician's ad. (Orange Text Version)


BASS PLAYER NEEDED TO POUND AUDITORY GLORY-HOLES - MELODIC DEATH METAL (MPLS)


Date: 2012-06-15, 2:10PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Bass Players!

Do people call you a quivering, unoriginal douche with little-to-no musical talent? Only behind my back. If so, take a big step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE. "Literally"? I've been trying to since I was fourteen.

If, however, you are the kind of MOTIVATED and CREATIVE bassist who enjoys playing metal where every note is either brown, techy, or tasty, Lil Jon What? but ALWAYS engineered to rupture testicles like Godzilla on a bad PCP trip OK, do you have any idea how much PCP you would need to get someone the size of Godzilla to trip? (Or was that part of the point?) demolishing metaphoric ear-buildings by swinging your priapic, scaly reptile fuck-truncheon Don't make me Google reptile penis to see if their penises are scaly.
...
...
...
Asshole. [Googles.]
The truth is much more disturbing.
through them with ferocity, you should reply to this.

But before this orgiastic riot of auditory pillaging can happen, Can you talk to me like an adult for maybe two goddamned minutes? you should have a car to get to practice. Please, PLEASE have a car. How can you lasciviously Uh, oh. Somebody bought a dictionary. pound auditory glory-holes if you can't get to practice? Also, RENT for the practice space-cum-torture chamber will be required. I known I know, Baconlube There's a thing called Baconlube? is expensive And it's expensive? [Googles.] Oh, damn. and paying rent when you barely make anything playing shows sucks, but That's why normal people have jobs? it's part of the deal.

You have pro gear, right? No. Of COURSE you do, because how the hell are you going to propulsively eject your musical Shame-Gravy all over the unbelievers if you don't have appropriate gear? What is it with you and dicks and cum and all that? Every other sentence, you've got to talk about people putting dicks in things. You'll probably want a five-string, but hey, some motherfuckers can implode nutsacks with four. If you don't have good gear then showing up for practice will be like the doubtlessly ironically-named William Hung going to a porn shoot and standing next to Ron Jeremy Big dick reference. and Lexington Steele. Another big dick reference. Freud would have gotten a hard o- Damnit, now you got me doing it! Yeah, shameful. Innit? But you're serious, I am? so this isn't a problem.

There are 12 nifty songs for you to waltz right into. When you're finished with your veggies, you get to move on to dessert, which in this (thankfully not phallic) metaphor means WRITING NEW MATERIAL. This won't be a nine-year-long wait to work on a new album; instead, you will be brought into the fold to take part in a musical gang bang And we're back on that. of triumph and metal! Maybe if At The Gates and "Heartwork"-era Carcass went on a 90s death metal listening spree, then catapulted their wax tadpoles Really? in a stunning DEATH BUKKAKE!!!!1!! Really. all over Opeth's face, Mm-hmm. collected the drippings, Right. and mixed them with the tot-mix You know a lot of slang terms for semen, huh? of the Summer Slaughter lineup in a vulgar, metal milkshake to be incubated in the womb of Mother Earth before being shot out in a miles-high pillar of magma afterbirth Uh-huh, magma afterbirth, got it. and rage it would be similar to what will happen with this band. . . but we'll never know, AAAwwwwww... After all that? as the true awesomeness of what was just described ruins panties and lives simply by being hypothesized. Uh... Nope. My boxers are still clean.

Listen to the sample track. If you love it, cast in with the lot and be ready to cause hemorrhaging like the synced monthly flow of Lilith Fair. OK, that one was good. I like that one. If not, thanks for your time and best luck to your face. And good luck to you and your penis fixation.

We're still finishing up putting together the band, (You're the last piece) so a name isn't yet decided. Come bearing fucknominal ideas.

Samples:
Again, I got rid of the links.

ALL RECORDINGS DONE BY XXXX XXXXX @ XXXXXXXXX XXXXX


If ya Dig, call or text Xxxx @ xxx-xxx-xxxx.
  • Location: MPLS
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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