30 June, 2012

Radiohead's entire discography reviewed in one bite-size package

Howdy-do, my little illiterati! After a break of unconscionable proportions I am back again.

In honor of Charlie's Butt Week (whatever that is), here is Radiohead's entire discography reviewed for the One-Stop Shopper in nice Frosted-Mini-Wheat sized chunks.

I can feel the waves of gratitude emanating through the computer screen.

Pablo Honey - dorky, boring, patently poseurish "alternative rock" record with about three memorable songs ("Creep," "Anyone Can Play Guitar," "Blow Out"); if you like this you probably miss Dishwalla and thought Silverchair's first album was, like, totally radical dude (and Anal Cunt would call you "gay," as a rather incomprehensible synonym for "stupid.")

The Bends - egregiously overrated alternative rock record, with admittedly some real classics if you like alternative rock ("Planet Telex," "Fake Plastic Trees," "My Iron Lung") balanced with some really cliched and crappy whine-a-thon "classics" ("High and Dry," "Just," "Street Spirit (Fade Out)") and just complete garbage ("Sulk," "The Bends," "Black Star"). Hilarious Words of Wisdom: "I'm just lying in a bar with my drip feed on, talking to my girlfriend, waiting for something to happen." Oh fuck off.

OK Computer - extremely solid record, a huge artistic progression in every way: some flaws here and there ("Fitter Happier," "Electioneering," "The Tourist") but overall, there are some incredible, painful songs here; somewhat overrated (it's not even Radiohead's best record, much less the best record of all time as some complete fucking ignoramuses unworthy of respect or a short sharp jab to the throat will claim), but that's understandable. Waffle factor: influencing Muse and Coldplay to spray their unfathomably bland and dire ass-soup upon the airwaves and our musical consciousness.

Kid A - Don't let the caterwauling of a few philistine rock critics put you off. This is Radiohead's peak, and a practically flawless record. The big-band-in-a-trash-compactor horns and cut-n-paste motorik loops on "The National Anthem" occasionally feel rather corny instead of insane and intense, but other than that minor quibble, this is still probably the best mainstream rock record made in the 2000's.

Amnesiac - Outside of one godawful blunder ("Morning Bell/Amnesiac," which proves that it is indeed possible to completely ruin a fantastic song), some at-times questionable sequencing (which probably couldn't be helped), and some questionable choices on what not to include (the B-sides from this time are almost uniformly brilliant, and would have added a lot to the album), it's nearly as good as Kid A; even "Hunting Bears" works in the beyond-hopeless context of the album. "Life in a Glasshouse" feels deeply overwrought, which is this band's perennial Achilles heel. But "Pyramid Song" is probably the best song this band will ever write, and a songwriting masterstroke.

Hail To The Thief - After three great albums, they handed us THIS crap?! There are maybe four awesome songs on this album: "There There" places a John McGeoch-esque guitar part alongside paranoid tribal drumming; "The Gloaming" is one of their most chilling electronic creepshows ever; "Myxomatosis" has one of Thom Yorke's coolest vocal performances, a really interesting sense of restraint and a great fuzzed-out low-pitched riff; and "A Wolf at the Door" features an incredible OK Computer-worthy chorus that comes out of nowhere to save the song from its' rambling, overwrought verses. Otherwise, this is a real bucket of shit - filled with misguided, self-important, poorly written attempts at "rock songs" ("2+2 = 5," "Go To Sleep," which wastes a great riff, "Where I End And You Begin"), piss-poor piano ballads ("Sail To The Moon," "A Punchup at a Wedding") and godawful, formless experimentation ("Sit Down, Stand Up," "Backdrifts," and "We Suck Young Blood," which is the worst song they've ever written), complete with unpleasantly artless, hysterically apocalyptic lyrics that might as well have been written by Chicken Little or the homeless guy on the corner.

In Rainbows - Hail To The Thief was such a platter of horseshit that I deliberately avoided listening to this album until I decided to review Radiohead's entire discography for this feature; after all, it seemed like an unfathomably precipitous decline, the sound of a formerly interstellar band hitting the earth at 1000 mph. So imagine my surprise and embarrassment when I finally listened to the album and it turned out to be one of their most consistently listenable albums ever. It's not at the level of quality of the 1997-2001 era of Radiohead's music. But In Rainbows is a great late-period artistic resurgence, tossing aside the overwhelming anxiety that flows through most of the band's music in favor of focusing on understated beauty. None of the band's albums are even nearly as focused as this one is on making gorgeous music. There's little effort to break much new ground musically (aside from the hyperactive drums on "15 Step"), but the songwriting is really on point, and the mood is sweet, often sad, but never overwrought or overdramatic. Also, it's a lot looser and more jammy than their other albums are, which lends a refreshingly new feel to their music.

The King of Limbs - A few philistine rock critics accused Kid A of being boring and emotionless. They obviously hadn't listened to this album because this is a fucking insomnia cure. I mean, shit I'm nodding off right now. What am I doing writing thiaefsv;oaeigva;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

28 June, 2012

It's butt week... with a twist.

There's this twisted show from Japan that I found out about last week alternately called The Fuccons and Oh! Mikey about an American Caucasian family adjusting to life in metropolitan Japan. The catch? Everybody on the show is Caucasian... and a mannequin. You can get it in one of two fascinating English language flavors: subbed or dubbed. The dubbed ones are pretty over the top with voice actors going big, for example, the dad sounds like the MovieFone guy. But when you want some internet shenanigans, you gotta go with the subs. Witness:
And believe me, they get way more twisted than that.

27 June, 2012

We get very few chances around here to be expressly not about music.

Butt Week is that time when music is not as important as butts are because butts and butt related things are just fan-damn-tastic. Consider the following:
Would you not eat a butt-sized pile of nachos? I would.

25 June, 2012

There really weren't any musicians' ads this week.

Really.I mean there was the usual sniping at the person who decided to bitch about the local scene and then there was the ad for pet adoption or something that was clearly in the wrong place and then there was the ad where the guy claimed Hangman's Joke as an influence... You younger kids probably don't get that that's a reference to The Crow, or at least the film version anyway, and, as such, is not a real band.
But, hey, look at the bright side: We have a double-length Butt Week this year and we're two days in to our fourteen day extravaganza of doing largely nothing but talking about butts. So let's knock off the dill-dallying and talk about butts. And cats, too. I like cats. Also? I'm pretty sure this is M.'s first butt week. Let's welcome him.

24 June, 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, David Yow doing a snare roll.

I mean, damn. Can this guy stop making me want to be in a band with him for two goddamned seconds? Really.

22 June, 2012

I wish I had come up with this.

Alas, I did not. But still, the beautiful bastard who did is a genius. I want to have his babies.

This is probably the best thing you will see this week.

That this was published in a paper - any paper - makes me smile.

21 June, 2012

My what the fuck moment of the day.

Witness Cheap Trick's Bun E. Carlos (still in Cheap Trick but not touring with them anymore due to back problems) and the Donnas' Donna C (at least I think she's Donna C, I could never keep them straight, anyway, she's no longer in the Donnas due to tendinitis) in a commercial for a Target two-day sale. Bun is playing Ludwig Vistalites or at least Vistalite knock-offs which is pretty cool but I have no idea what any of that has to do with Target. Really. At least it's fun to watch.

18 June, 2012

Your weekly musician's ad. (Honorable Mention Edition)

It's not like there weren't other ads today. Just none of them could hold a candle to our "main event" (forty four views of the unadulterated version in the last hour, three views of the orange text version in the last twenty minutes). This is one, though, that really tried hard.

Seeking amazing female vocals (twin cities)


Date: 2012-06-12, 12:56AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Howdy, we are an established band seeking amazing female vocals, in the style of blues, soul, americana, Ready?
if you are not actually black you had better sound it. Yeah. They actually just posted that. Please send pictures, resume and examples of your singing. Thanks for your interest!
  • Location: twin cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Your weekly musician's ad. (Orange Text Version)


BASS PLAYER NEEDED TO POUND AUDITORY GLORY-HOLES - MELODIC DEATH METAL (MPLS)


Date: 2012-06-15, 2:10PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Bass Players!

Do people call you a quivering, unoriginal douche with little-to-no musical talent? Only behind my back. If so, take a big step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE. "Literally"? I've been trying to since I was fourteen.

If, however, you are the kind of MOTIVATED and CREATIVE bassist who enjoys playing metal where every note is either brown, techy, or tasty, Lil Jon What? but ALWAYS engineered to rupture testicles like Godzilla on a bad PCP trip OK, do you have any idea how much PCP you would need to get someone the size of Godzilla to trip? (Or was that part of the point?) demolishing metaphoric ear-buildings by swinging your priapic, scaly reptile fuck-truncheon Don't make me Google reptile penis to see if their penises are scaly.
...
...
...
Asshole. [Googles.]
The truth is much more disturbing.
through them with ferocity, you should reply to this.

But before this orgiastic riot of auditory pillaging can happen, Can you talk to me like an adult for maybe two goddamned minutes? you should have a car to get to practice. Please, PLEASE have a car. How can you lasciviously Uh, oh. Somebody bought a dictionary. pound auditory glory-holes if you can't get to practice? Also, RENT for the practice space-cum-torture chamber will be required. I known I know, Baconlube There's a thing called Baconlube? is expensive And it's expensive? [Googles.] Oh, damn. and paying rent when you barely make anything playing shows sucks, but That's why normal people have jobs? it's part of the deal.

You have pro gear, right? No. Of COURSE you do, because how the hell are you going to propulsively eject your musical Shame-Gravy all over the unbelievers if you don't have appropriate gear? What is it with you and dicks and cum and all that? Every other sentence, you've got to talk about people putting dicks in things. You'll probably want a five-string, but hey, some motherfuckers can implode nutsacks with four. If you don't have good gear then showing up for practice will be like the doubtlessly ironically-named William Hung going to a porn shoot and standing next to Ron Jeremy Big dick reference. and Lexington Steele. Another big dick reference. Freud would have gotten a hard o- Damnit, now you got me doing it! Yeah, shameful. Innit? But you're serious, I am? so this isn't a problem.

There are 12 nifty songs for you to waltz right into. When you're finished with your veggies, you get to move on to dessert, which in this (thankfully not phallic) metaphor means WRITING NEW MATERIAL. This won't be a nine-year-long wait to work on a new album; instead, you will be brought into the fold to take part in a musical gang bang And we're back on that. of triumph and metal! Maybe if At The Gates and "Heartwork"-era Carcass went on a 90s death metal listening spree, then catapulted their wax tadpoles Really? in a stunning DEATH BUKKAKE!!!!1!! Really. all over Opeth's face, Mm-hmm. collected the drippings, Right. and mixed them with the tot-mix You know a lot of slang terms for semen, huh? of the Summer Slaughter lineup in a vulgar, metal milkshake to be incubated in the womb of Mother Earth before being shot out in a miles-high pillar of magma afterbirth Uh-huh, magma afterbirth, got it. and rage it would be similar to what will happen with this band. . . but we'll never know, AAAwwwwww... After all that? as the true awesomeness of what was just described ruins panties and lives simply by being hypothesized. Uh... Nope. My boxers are still clean.

Listen to the sample track. If you love it, cast in with the lot and be ready to cause hemorrhaging like the synced monthly flow of Lilith Fair. OK, that one was good. I like that one. If not, thanks for your time and best luck to your face. And good luck to you and your penis fixation.

We're still finishing up putting together the band, (You're the last piece) so a name isn't yet decided. Come bearing fucknominal ideas.

Samples:
Again, I got rid of the links.

ALL RECORDINGS DONE BY XXXX XXXXX @ XXXXXXXXX XXXXX


If ya Dig, call or text Xxxx @ xxx-xxx-xxxx.
  • Location: MPLS
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Your weekly musician's ad.

OK... Yes, there is only one this week. Not a single other ad could compete with this. I felt winded after reading it. Further, if I wanted to, I could slather this thing in orange text but that would detract from it, I trust you don't need to see my snark when we have this kind of brilliance. Maybe tomorrow, maybe this afternoon after I clean the front of my pants and catch my breath I'll put up an orange text version, just not now.
I assure you: I didn't make any of this up.

BASS PLAYER NEEDED TO POUND AUDITORY GLORY-HOLES - MELODIC DEATH METAL (MPLS)


Date: 2012-06-15, 2:10PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Bass Players!

Do people call you a quivering, unoriginal douche with little-to-no musical talent? If so, take a big step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.

If, however, you are the kind of MOTIVATED and CREATIVE bassist who enjoys playing metal where every note is either brown, techy, or tasty, but ALWAYS engineered to rupture testicles like Godzilla on a bad PCP trip demolishing metaphoric ear-buildings by swinging your priapic, scaly reptile fuck-truncheon through them with ferocity, you should reply to this.

But before this orgiastic riot of auditory pillaging can happen, you should have a car to get to practice. Please, PLEASE have a car. How can you lasciviously pound auditory glory-holes if you can't get to practice? Also, RENT for the practice space-cum-torture chamber will be required. I known I know, Baconlube is expensive and paying rent when you barely make anything playing shows sucks, but it's part of the deal.

You have pro gear, right? Of COURSE you do, because how the hell are you going to propulsively eject your musical Shame-Gravy all over the unbelievers if you don't have appropriate gear? You'll probably want a five-string, but hey, some motherfuckers can implode nutsacks with four. If you don't have good gear then showing up for practice will be like the doubtlessly ironically-named William Hung going to a porn shoot and standing next to Ron Jeremy and Lexington Steele. Yeah, shameful. But you're serious, so this isn't a problem.

There are 12 nifty songs for you to waltz right into. When you're finished with your veggies, you get to move on to dessert, which in this metaphor means WRITING NEW MATERIAL. This won't be a nine-year-long wait to work on a new album; instead, you will be brought into the fold to take part in a musical gang bang of triumph and metal! Maybe if At The Gates and "Heartwork"-era Carcass went on a 90s death metal listening spree, then catapulted their wax tadpoles in a stunning DEATH BUKKAKE!!!!1!! all over Opeth's face, collected the drippings, and mixed them with the tot-mix of the Summer Slaughter lineup in a vulgar, metal milkshake to be incubated in the womb of Mother Earth before being shot out in a miles-high pillar of magma afterbirth and rage it would be similar to what will happen with this band. . . but we'll never know, as the true awesomeness of what was just described ruins panties and lives simply by being hypothesized.

Listen to the sample track. If you love it, cast in with the lot and be ready to cause hemorrhaging like the synced monthly flow of Lilith Fair. If not, thanks for your time and best luck to your face.

We're still finishing up putting together the band, (You're the last piece) so a name isn't yet decided. Come bearing fucknominal ideas.

Samples:
There were two links here, now there aren't.

ALL RECORDINGS DONE BY XXXX XXXXX @ XXXXXXXXX XXXXX


If ya Dig, call or text Xxxx @ xxx-xxx-xxxx.
  • Location: MPLS
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

11 June, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Yeah, I'm running behind on things today because I had to do payroll, send in a supply request, reprimand a subordinate, and then I got a call from the plumber... You know how it is when you're, you know, at work.

help son please


Date: 2012-06-10, 10:42PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

help my son is 11 and really wants to be in a boy band You've left me no choice. but cant afford lessons what should we do Do the Ludovico technique but with the Backstreet Boys. dont want to kill his dream You should. because i have no money That's a good one, my mother used the same excuse to tell me that I couldn't take karate lessons.
  • it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



If Cash was still alive..... (Eagan)


Date: 2012-06-10, 9:49PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I absolutely HATED country music until I heard Hurt by Johnny Cash. Uh, you know that's A) a Nine Inch Nails song and B) that song is grossly overplayed, right? I'm still not a fan of today's country music genre, Can't blame you. but I love its past. I am fortunate to have a similar voice as Johnny had on his later records. So you sound like a withered baritone-voiced man knocking on death's door after decades of sustained narcotic and alcohol abuse? Johnny's voice in his covers created a completely different emotion from the original track. Uh, yeah. Because he's doing countrified versions of those songs. Music is a huge part of my life and Johnny Cash opened my eyes with his covers. Give his originals a try some time. They're much more rewarding. (Before him I only listened to hip hop music!) I have, in my mind, SO many of today's songs that could have such a greater meaning if it was sung by Mr. Cash. I'm looking for a musician that can help me slow down some songs and adapt them to my singing. My favorite would be as if the older Johnny Cash preforming the song Rehab. "Rehab"? The Amy Winehouse "Rehab"? The "They tried to make me go to rehab, I said, 'no, no, no'" "Rehab"? Really? Uh... I can't hear that in my head. Something about a septuagenarian singing the line "I aint got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine..." Daddy, Mommy, any parent, really. I mean, we're talking about a grown goddamned man, here. And both of his parents are dead, too. So, uh... No.
  • Location: Eagan
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Female Keyboardist Casio, Organ, Synth wanted (South Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-06-10, 6:57PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Cool new band looking for quirky keyboard girl Quirky keyboard girl? That's what we're going with now? Look, motherfucker, just come out and say, "I'm under the impression that being in an indie band will get me into Zooey Deschawhat'sherface's pants". Just say it. It's OK. I'd give Zooey the touch, the feel of cotton, too but you don't see me putting her in my band so I can have a crack at her, do you? No. You know why? Because I'm not sixteen anymore. to play in our already gigging band. You should be creative, be able to write keyboard parts quickly and have enough time to practice once or twice a week and play 5 shows a month. Some touring when we get a little bigger also. We are looking for someone between 18 and 30 to play cheap sounding keyboards like a casio Some Casios are actually pretty nice. through a delay pedal or a moog rogue or some kind of organ. We don't want a huge keyboard rig or anything too fancy. Our band is guitar based kind of garage rock but a little more sophisticated. Sophisticated garage rock. RRRiiiggghhhttt... Drop me a line and tell us what you are like.
  • Location: South Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



WANTED Accordion Player for estabished Indie rock group (Uptown)


Date: 2012-06-10, 6:43PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

We are an established indie rock band looking for an accordionist. Female preferable between 18 and 27, Men feel free to respond we just need the right fit. But what you're really saying is that you're looking for young lady to play accordion. Kind of quirky, maybe? You know, to fit your indie rock image and all? Bruv, just say it: You're into Zooey, too. Our music is a lot like the pixies or breeders or stereolab, it's louder than it is folky. I should hope so because I equate none of the aforementioned bands with "folky". Think velvet underground but instead of a Viola we want Accordian. OK, really, A) a droning accordion? You know, employing accordion in the same capacity as Cale played the viola in Velvet Underground? I'm going to go ahead and tell you to not do that.
Well, actually, go ahead and do that because now I want to know what that would sound like. I can't imagine it would be any good but give it a shot. B) How the fuck did you manage to spell accordion correctly until now?
Applicants should be pretty Like Zooey? excited Oh. to play a ton of live gigs and be willing to tour sometimes and live the dream. Email us and tell us a little about yourself, no experience necessary just be ready and willing.... experience is great too.
  • Location: Uptown
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



moving to mpls in July (public place)


Date: 2012-06-10, 11:31AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm an acoustic guitarist and have been playing for 5 years. Good for you. looking to jam with anyone who is serious about making a living Doing what? What we... what we... doing what we love... Oh, what we love! That's right. The line I hear all the time. Somehow it escaped me just then. creating/performing music :) I'm 98% original artist / 2% cover artist. lol. LOL? in my opinion, if I have the talent, passion, and skill to write my own music on my instrument, why waste my time learning other artists' material? lol I don't know... Did that really necessitate a LOL? :D And then the colon-D emoticon, too?

I'm moving from west Texas to Mpls and can hopefully make some friends beforehand. I listen to all kinds of music in all kinds of genres, from country, rock, metal, dubstep, christian, gospel, indie, pop, r&b, and rap. my original material sounds like And get ready for the self-administered accolades! Tracy Chapman's voice meets the raw emotion and soul of India Arie, You don't say? but with the vocal range of Bruno Mars... I just shat blood. with an extra dose of crack Oh, I see. On crack. lol Why do you keep LOLing at everything? (so I'm told.) It doesn't count if you told yourself. I'm not too fond of restricting myself to one genre..I just play to get my emotions out...keeps me sane, if you know what I mean Uh, I guess. lol Really, guy, that's your fourth LOL.

anyhoos, here's a few links where you can hear some of my stuff.

www.myspace.com/xxxxxxxxxxxx OK, for real, you're a grown man and you're on MySpace?
soundcloud: /xxxxxxxxxxxx

hope to hear from ya!!

Xxxxx X.



  • Location: public place
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



You press the first valve down,


Date: 2012-06-10, 8:30AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

"the music goes round and round", as referred to the lyric of the famous song by Tommy Dorsey, and others, but his recording does not DO it. And whose does? MINE does, Right, because you're better at playing Tommy Dorsey songs than Tommy Dorsey was at playing Tommy Dorsey songs. I have a machine that modulates mono into a circular sound stage. That makes zero sense. Info, xxx-xxx-xxxx, days.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



And guess who needs a whole band!

TOURING BASS PLAYER WANTED (MN/ WI)


Date: 2012-06-09, 9:32PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org


WE ARE AN ORIGINAL ALTERNATIVE POP/ROCK BAND.
WE ARE RELEASING A FULL-LENGTH ALBUM THIS SUMMER.

IF YOU'RE INFLUENCED BY BANDS LIKE PARAMORE, JIMMY EAT WORLD, TAKING BACK SUNDAY, ALL TIME LOW... YOU WILL ENJOY PLAYING WITH US.

MUST BE 18+
MUST HAVE A CAR
MUST BE RESPONSIBLE
MUST BE ABLE TO LEARN MUSIC (PREFERABLY BY EAR) ((WE CAN SUPPLY SEPARATE THE BASS TRACKS FOR EACH SONG, TO MAKE IT EASIER))
MUST NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC OR DRUG USER
MUST HAVE PROFESSIONAL GEAR
MUST HAVE STAGE PRESENCE
MUST BE AVAILABLE!


WHAT TO EXPECT:

WE WOULD LIKE TO BOOK A SMALLER MIDWEST TOUR THIS SUMMER TO SUPPORT THE ALBUM RELEASE, ALONG WITH PLAYING A FEW FESTIVALS & OTHER MISC. SHOWS.


IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, PLEASE EMAIL US WITH YOUR NAME AND TELEPHONE NUMBER, ALONG WITH A LINK TO VIDEOS WE CAN WATCH OF YOU PLAYING.

www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com
  • Location: MN/ WI
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


GUITAR PLAYER wanted Pop/Rock (WI/MN)


Date: 2012-06-09, 9:32PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

WE ARE AN ORIGINAL ALTERNATIVE POP/ROCK BAND.
WE ARE RELEASING A FULL-LENGTH ALBUM THIS SUMMER.

IF YOU'RE INFLUENCED BY BANDS LIKE PARAMORE, JIMMY EAT WORLD, TAKING BACK SUNDAY, ALL TIME LOW... YOU WILL ENJOY PLAYING WITH US.

WHAT TO EXPECT:

WE WOULD LIKE TO BOOK A SMALLER MIDWEST TOUR THIS SUMMER TO SUPPORT THE ALBUM RELEASE, ALONG WITH PLAYING A FEW FESTIVALS & OTHER MISC. SHOWS.


IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, PLEASE EMAIL US WITH YOUR NAME AND TELEPHONE NUMBER, ALONG WITH A LINK TO VIDEOS WE CAN WATCH OF YOU PLAYING.

www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com




What We Expect:

MUST BE 18+
MUST HAVE A CAR
MUST BE RESPONSIBLE
MUST BE ABLE TO LEARN MUSIC (PREFERABLY BY EAR) ((WE CAN SUPPLY SEPARATE THE BASS TRACKS FOR EACH SONG, TO MAKE IT EASIER))
MUST NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC OR DRUG USER
MUST HAVE PROFESSIONAL GEAR
MUST HAVE STAGE PRESENCE
MUST BE AVAILABLE!

  • Location: WI/MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


TOURING DRUMMER WANTED (MN/ WI)


Date: 2012-06-09, 9:32PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

WANT TO PLAY SHOWS WITH US?

WE ARE AN ORIGINAL ALTERNATIVE POP/ROCK BAND.
WE ARE RELEASING A FULL-LENGTH ALBUM THIS SUMMER.

IF YOU'RE INFLUENCED BY BANDS LIKE PARAMORE, JIMMY EAT WORLD, TAKING BACK SUNDAY, ALL TIME LOW... YOU WILL ENJOY PLAYING WITH US.

MUST BE 18+
MUST HAVE A CAR
MUST BE RESPONSIBLE
MUST KNOW HOW TO PLAY TO A CLICK/METRONOME
MUST BE ABLE TO LEARN MUSIC (PREFERABLY BY EAR)
MUST NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC OR DRUG USER
MUST HAVE PROFESSIONAL GEAR
MUST PLAY DOUBLE BASS
MUST HAVE STAGE PRESENCE
MUST BE AVAILABLE!


WHAT TO EXPECT:

WE WOULD LIKE TO BOOK A SMALLER MIDWEST TOUR THIS SUMMER TO SUPPORT THE ALBUM RELEASE, ALONG WITH PLAYING A FEW FESTIVALS & OTHER MISC. SHOWS.


IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, PLEASE EMAIL US WITH YOUR NAME AND TELEPHONE NUMBER, ALONG WITH A LINK TO VIDEOS WE CAN WATCH OF YOU PLAYING.

thanks!

www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com
  • Location: MN/ WI
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


Drummer Looking (Western Suburbs)


Date: 2012-06-07, 10:47AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Drummer guy looking for an amateur ((French amateur "lover of", from Old French and ultimately from Latin amatorem nom. amator, "lover") is generally considered a person attached to a particular pursuit, study, or science, without pay) band or group of musicians that just want to enjoy the occasional jam session. If something should come of it, so be it. Otherwise, let's just have fun.

contact Xxxx at xxx.xxx.xxxx


  • Location: Western Suburbs
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



This one is just disturbing.

i will be your groupie (around nw area)


Date: 2012-06-07, 4:52AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

does your band want higher fans? I've never been adverse to people who appreciate my music also engaging in some recreational ganj rocking but I've also never made it a requirement. Why do you ask? would a cute gal at you're shows make you look more popular? UUUhhh... How do I answer that exactly? I mean, I don't mind "cute girls" but, at the same time, I'm pretty sure that having just, you know, more people in general in attendance would make a band look more popular. I mean, think about: One cute girl. Ten people of varying attractiveness. One cute girl. Ten people of varying attractiveness. The band with the ten people watching them is going to look more popular. I am newly abandoned Lil' Jon What? I am newly abandoned Like an animal? and need to see some shows and have some enjoyable times

I'll go to shows n practices UUUhhh... Huh. email me! I don't think that's a good idea. You're kind of creepy and misguided and you make my stomach feel ooky.


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07 June, 2012

OK, remember how Nonagon took the Cycle Rage Soundtrack of 2012 award?

I finally came up with a worthwhile trophy/flier/thingy for the title (that still goes to People Live Everywhere).

05 June, 2012

I'm calling it.

I'm just late like a motherfucker when it comes to announcing these sorts of things.
NONAGON's PEOPLE LIVE EVERYWHERE is 2012's CYCLE RAGE SOUNDTRACK

04 June, 2012

Have you ever wanted to pee on a guitar?

I'm not saying that's a thing people ought to do. In fact, I'm just going to put it out there: If you have a guitar that you want to pee on, how about you don't pee on it and give it to me instead... after you don't pee on it.
Credit to Eliya for sharing this video on Google+.

Your weekly musicians' ads.

This first guy? Yeah, he's been on Craigslist for a good long while, now; at least since the beginning of the year for sure. Maybe he started posting this ad back in December, when it would've made more sense: Looking to get his kid a guitar for Xmas but he doesn't have the spare scratch so he goes to Craigslist to see if anybody, by some off chance, has a spare guitar lying around that he could have. Hey, Levi had the Lil' Peavey just lying around and he doesn't play guitar, so it's not impossible, just improbable. Anyway, so about once or twice a month, this guy posts this ad:

guitar (mpls)


Date: 2012-06-03, 8:36PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

looking for used one, if you have one to give away.
  • Location: mpls
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Apparently, this pissed somebody off to the point where they had to be mean spirited about things.

Re: Guitar Please (Twin Cities)


Date: 2012-06-04, 8:46AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey I found a place where you can get your free guitar. But you can only have one...



  • Location: Twin Cities
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Drummer wanted for improv/jam band


Date: 2012-06-04, 8:10AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Band seeks drummer for improv/jam band rooted in but not confined to the classics: Grateful Dead, Uh, just threw up in my mouth. Dylan, Uh, just fell asleep. Blues, Talking Heads, Uh... I wasn't aware that the Talking Heads were considered "classics" in the jam band community but I'll roll with it. Pink Floyd, Uh, just threw up in my mouth and fell asleep. old time R&R, and all points in-between. We hope to have a list of songs we can learn well, which serve as a launch pad for musical explorations. You sound like a goddamned hippie. We are doing covers but not copies--need to make the sound our own. Making your own sound by playing other people's music. Yep, that's the strategy, right there. We seek someone who has the ability to stay in the pocket but also have the ability to listen and visually cue from what the band is doing to create a fabric for improvisation. At least he didn't say "tapestry". Eventually, we hope to have a regular (monthly or so), something we can all be proud of. A regular what? Bowel movement? Hombre, if you poop only once a month, it's time to consult a physician.

If all of the above is a good fit, email your interests, hopes, background, and we'll chat more.

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And the winner of our "Aw, He Reminds Charlie of Himself When He First Started Doing These" award is...

R-H-Y-T-H-M ! (Mpls)


Date: 2012-06-04, 7:34AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL RHYTHM.
NOT:
rhythym
rythem
rithhem
rethim
rythum
rhythim
rythym

Someone spells it wrong every day here on CL, That's because the internet is available to everybody. Even people who can't spell. Haven't you ever scrolled down on a YouTube page? and its important for all of you to know if you want to be taken seriously.
...or maybe it helps us weed out the dinks sure to prove to be a waste of time anyway. Try to look at it like that. If you start teaching stupid people how to spell, you're just giving them camouflage. Don't let them hide behind correctly spelling one or two words; let them be exposed so we can skip over them.
And, occasionally, I can make fun of them.


There's a good mnemonic device to help you with that:

Rhythm
Helps
Your
Two
Hips
Move

if you care Not really but, hey, I just learned a nifty mnemonic device.

  • Location: Mpls
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Bass/guitar player needed between 17 and 20 (blaine, MN)


Date: 2012-06-03, 2:55PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
That explains it.

Looking for a bassist/guitar player between the ages of 17 and 20 years old. We are a band just starting off, but we have a few songs done. A few songs... done? looking for serious members and as well looking to tour as soon as possible, if you will not be able to tour. DO NOT CONTACT US. Don't fucking do it. We are an alternative band influenced by bands including. My chemical romance, Weren't they the band that was aware that they were straddling the line between "shitty" and "just OK" and so then tried to reinvent themselves with a marching band motif that critics hailed as "uniquely dark" or something but anybody with a pair of ears recognized as the tipping point of a band into just straight up shitty? green day, OK, no, seriously, with the whole My Chemical Romance thing, why is it that anytime somebody says the name My Chemical Romance that the first words I think of are "calculated marketing strategy"? good charlotte, Quit changing the subject. Look, I could go on all day about Good Charlotte - the band that notoriously missed the irony in singing about how they "don't wanna just like you" while surrounded by teenybopper fans sporting identical fashion choices - and I could also take you to task for saying Green Day when I have no doubt you mean the opera era Green Day and not Insomniac-era Green Day (fuck a hater, that was a good record) but I have a goddamned job to do and I would be doing all four people who actively pay attention to and not entirely dislike this blog a disservice if I were to not tie you down to a barrel and whip you across the ass with garden hose for saying you like a band that has all the cultural relevance of, more singles than, and probably only half the balls of say, Vendetta Red. remember Vendetta Red? No, you don't. Not even members of Vendetta Red remember Vendetta Red until they Wikipedia themselves. (And that's kind of a shame because I liked that "Shatterday" song, it was catchy. Alas, I never heard anything else they did because that's all the song was: Catchy. I hear lots of catchy songs. Doesn't mean I my vajayjay gets wet over each and every one.) I mean, how are you going to sit there and tell me that your band draws inspiration from grown adults dressed like high school marching band geeks? I could understand if you were, say, a comedian and you were drawing inspiration from an SNL skit but really. You want to be taken seriously don't you? all time low, Heard of, haven't heard. etc. if you are interested call either:xxx-xxx-xxxx or email: xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
  • Location: blaine, MN
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I just realized that I just made fun of somebody who's likely a teenager for their taste in music which misses the point this feature.
But somebody had to say something.

wana start a mfing band (minneapolis)


Date: 2012-06-01, 4:29AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

got a fender strat... Good for you. yes i can play it.... Never said you couldn't. hmu if u play some instruments or sing.... Are you really going to make me Google "hmu"?
[Googles.]
"Hit me up"? You abbreviated "hit me up"? You seriously couldn't be arsed to complete each of these single syllable words?
i want to start the sickest band in minneapolis..

if u dont get into crazy shit... OK, let's - let's not do this, OK? I know what's going to happen, you're going to try to show me some "crazy" shit and it's just going to be some crabcore or nĂ¼ metal jackoff bullshit in an attempt to throw down the gauntlet so you can show me "fucking legit" you are or whatever. And then I'll make you listen to Scratch Acid and you'll be a little more than weirded out and then it'll be like having to talk to somebody after you fist them: Nobody's looking each other in the eye. dont reply...were startin something new here...electronic/rock/rap/ Completely new aside from the fact that Rob Zombie's been doing exactly that for the last fifteen years. w.e fuckin rocks... I'm not Googling "w.e" dont be shy ...post a demo...hmu...worst i can say is no...i got some demos too if u wana check im out.

I make beats and write music. I love to mix.
Check out what I do here:

There were links here. Now there aren't.

If you like what u hear or feel like we can collaborate...send me your demos/lyrics/vocal takes...w.e it is Oh, I get it, it means "whatever"! And that nobody can really trust you to see a project through when you can't even be arsed to spell out the entire word. It doesn't even need it to be spelled correctly, you just need to ditch the text-speak and get used to that you're in front of a QWERTY keyboard. It's the effort we want to see, bubala. you do so I can get an idea of your music

  • Location: minneapolis
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Bassist needed for girl-fronted power pop band (Twin Cities)


Date: 2012-05-31, 10:58AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

We're a professional group of musicians arranging a new band. OK. This is intended to be a full-time project with touring capabilities and a full stage show. Uh-huh. Our aim is to bring the flash and spectacle back to rock music. I have a feeling that I'm about to shit myself but go ahead. We play a very straight ahead power-pop brand of girl-fronted rock music. No shit? You know, once, when I was high and in WalMart waiting to get my tires changed, I bought the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack.
No, wait. I was with Bob while Bob was... What was Bob doing? Fuck if I can remember, I was high. Anyway, Bob was unusually pissed off that I bought the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack.
Is that what your band is going for? Sounding like the Josie and the Pussycats soundtrack? Because, you know? I didn't completely hate it. It was catchy. (And we've been over earlier that whole catchy thing.)
Think Kiss meets the Foo Fighters with Katy Perry on vocals. I just shat blood. We're looking for someone with passion, I mean, you said Kiss... dedication, ... Foo Fighters... and talent And then Katy Perry... to round out a roster chock full of experience and credentials. It's like you somehow etched the infernal names onto the Mayan calendar went back in time, took it to the top of the WTC with the ghost prison from Ghostbusters with Hitler and Mussolini's ghosts inside so they could explode all over the city like when the EPA guy kills the power grid when the planes hit. That's how awful of a thing you just proposed.
And I forgot to throw child porn in there. Put that in there somehow, that's how bad what you said is.
We would prefer a female bassist, but all applicants will be considered. And put the Tuskegee syphilis experiment in there, too. It's that bad. We are seeking a dynamic bassist with stage experience, professional equipment, and a realistic understanding of the music industry. And that time that Idi Amin cut his wife's limbs off and sewed her legs to her shoulders and her arms to her pelvis. That's how awful your idea is. Thanks for your interest.
  • Location: Twin Cities
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This next bit of unsolicited advice comes to us courtesy of a guy whose band nobody gave a shit about. No, not me. I'm not this big of a cry baby.

Advice to local bands (Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-05-30, 1:44PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

The best advice I can give to bands is to get the hell out of minneapolis!! The minneapolis music scene is very clicky and hard to get recognition, even if your music is incredibly ingenious. The best way to get recognized locally is to play out of town! You can email and call the current, email and call the city pages, email and call gimme noise, and most of them won't give you the light of day if your not in their immediate group of friends. So, what should you do? Get out of town! Play Des Moines, Omaha, Milwaukee, Madison, Eau Claire, Duluth, St. Cloud, Fargo, Chicago - all are great cities within a day's drive, and out of all of those you will be more than likely to start to gain a fan base in one of those towns. And then, after the rest of the united states, canada, and world recognize your bands genius, that small contained group that controls the minneapolis music scene media might catch on, and what you do then is up to you.

later!
Good Music Lover
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