28 May, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Sorry, I got no snarky intro this week.

Looking for electronics for ridiculous post hardcore type band (MN)

OK, let's get one thing straight. The brand of "post hardcore" I'm assuming you're referring to is already ridiculous by default.

Date: 2012-05-27, 1:22AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Guitarist and Drummer are seeking someone to "DJ" for a post hardcore type band. We are looking to be completely ridiculous with it.

Think Attack Attack, Already ridiculous. Asking Alexandria, Already ridiculous. Skip The Foreplay, There's a band called Skip the Foreplay? [Googles.] shit like that. It certainly is shit. What the fuck happened to Epitaph that they gotta sign some bullshit like that? Looking for techno/dance breaks, dub step breakdowns, auto tuned vocals to make it over the top and silly. Well, you certainly picked the right influences.

So if you or anyone you know might be interested hit us up.

We have pro gear and have been playing music for many years and are just looking to have some fun with it!

-You Had Me At Hellozium OK, is that your band name or your sign off? Should I have anonymized that?
  • Location: MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Tour abroad (eastern europe)

Date: 2012-05-27, 1:02AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for other musicians that might consider touring eastern europe as a horde. As a horde? What the fuck, man, are we invading Mongolia or something?

  • Location: eastern europe
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the winner of our "UUUhhh... What?" award is...

So, you're a little short, small hands, squeeky voice, (all aboard)

Date: 2012-05-26, 5:37PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

but you enjoy music. You wanna look for the lost chord. Well, somebody else already found it, perfected it, and used it up.
Most people who know about that prefer to PLAY music rather than Make Noise. To ignore Irving Berlin or Porter,
Kern, Gershwin, etc., is like lowering the hoop and using a soccerball instead of a basketball.

  • Location: all aboard
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the winner of our "Somebody's Pissy" award is...

TOTAL PRO DRUMMER FOR HIRE (Where the gigs are)

Date: 2012-05-25, 4:03PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Pro drummer for hire. Can play all types of music. Years of experience in:

- canceling rehearsals
- showing up late for everything
- forgetting the songs
- quitting the band hours before a show
- puking
- sweating on girls who are there to see the guitarist anyway Yeah, man. Get off my Kool-Aid.
- rehab
- begging rides from friends

I sold my drums for coke a few months ago, so please provide yours. Will spend at least an hour adjusting your kit to fit my very specific needs. Please provide sticks. I hit really hard, so you should probably go ahead and get new heads - don't worry, I'm great at tuning. My girlfriend has a car, so transportation is no problem. Just provide the tunes, and all your cigarettes and I'm good to go!
  • Location: Where the gigs are
  • it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

shoegazey synth/guitar looking

Date: 2012-05-23, 5:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Simple original pop songs with a messy garagey analog chill out noise surfy flavor. This isn't going to be like that Wavves bullshit, is it?
If that makes sense to you, It kind of did but it sounded uncomfortably like it could lead to bullshit. and you are over 18 Yes. but under 27, Fuck you. let's talk.
I play guitar/synth/pedals You play pedals? and like to sing and write but not really trying to do lead vox.
Looking for anyone who likes good music and wants to play some god damn shows, especially people who can harmonize, and can go from being really chill to really sweaty with ease. Oh, so you want to do porn soundtracks? Why didn't you just say so? I'm down.
Drums/Bass/More guitar/More synth/More hot chicks. Oh, Jesus.
Don't care how nice your gear is if you can't use it.
But if you're a (insert instrument of choice) master who plays garagesale stuff cause it's funny and more recognizable, You know, having nothing to do at all with maybe affordability or a preference for a particular kind of instrument based on how it sounds or absolutely any of the factors that musicians actually use aside from novelty.
And, yes, I know Billy Gibbons has a fur covered guitar and Rick Nielsen plays a five neck Hamer. That's because those guys are Billy Gibbons and Rick Nielsen, they can do whatever the hell they want.
we'd probably get along.
Not looking to reinvent the wheel or sell out any stadiums, but it'd be cool to make people feel weird at your girlfriends house party or the local library. No. No. Look, I'm not about to go fucking with people at my girlfriend's house party. I don't know if you've ever been in, you know, a relationship but ladies tend not to dig it when their boyfriend's band comes by and starts fucking with her friends, classmates, co-workers, whoever. That's the kind of shit that starts an argument, son, and I, for one, would like to avoid the argument over why my bandmates and maybe even myself decided to act like a bunch of idiots.
Don't do that shit at the library, either. You want to fuck with people, keep it at the bar.

Let me know if you want to hear samples/have questions/want influences etc..

  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I have a massive void inside (SW suburbs)

OK, did anybody else read that and immediately think of the old Molly Shannon / Chris Kattan "Goth Talk" sketches from SNL or am I the only one?

Date: 2012-05-23, 4:35AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I have the darkness in me. White on white translucent black capes... I think of myself as a good person, and i am. ... back on the rack... but i have a massive void inside of me. Bela Lugosi's dead! I am a guitarist, im 27. ive been in bands on and off since i was 15. its been a few years now though. I NEED to start a band, i feel like its my last hope of trying to rid these demons... OK, I'm sorry. I just laughed the shit out of my ass off so can you say that again? I NEED to start a band, i feel like its my last hope of trying to rid these demons... For fucking real. Bands i am thinking of as inspiration would be something like... Primus, Really? Primus? Yeah, because when I think of dark and tortured, I think of the band that wrote "Jerry Was a Race Car Driver". Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, These fucking guys? The Mars Volta, Tool, The Birthday Party, Tom Waits, Nick Cave, Robert Johnson, etc.... I used to be in metal bands. I like metal, a lot, but its not enough anymore. Bela Lugosi's dead! I listen to a lot of blues, OLD delta style. I'm at the crossroads, and im ready. "Me and the devil, was walkin side by side" For real.

I need a Drummer, and a bassist who can get a dark and grooving beat... Bela Lugosi's dead! ill do the rest. Also, i think a saxaphone player would be perfect Nothing says dark and brooding like a silky smooth sax line.
  • Location: SW suburbs
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Noisy Bassist Seeks Noisy Drummer for 2 Man Thunder Jams (W. St. Paul)

OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it so I can get it out of my system and we can move on...
That sounds pretty gay.

Date: 2012-05-23, 2:38AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Machine Gun God of Thunder Insert Lil Jon What? Machine Gun God of Thunder seeks drummer who can TEAR HOLES IN THE SKY ! Well, you've got my attention and I'm not even a drummer.

I just moved to the Twin Cities From where? Mount Olympus, oh mighty Zeus? and am looking for a soul brother who wants to break hearts and eardrums in a furious bass/drum noise explosion. I'm sorry, everything this guy says just makes me picture two guys fucking.

Been playing for 10 years and have chops.

Influences, The Coach Whips, Lightning Bolt, Death From Above 1979, Sabbath, Maiden, the Sword ect...

If this is you don't hesitate to contact!
  • Location: W. St. Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

How do you drink water on stage? Performance Coach Here (Minneapolis, MN)

Date: 2012-05-21, 7:33PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I bet you've never even thought about that before. You'd be betting right. Why not? Because I drink beer on stage. How and when should you take a drink of water on stage? Probably when you damned well feel like it. Do you know?? Uh, yeah.

Taylor Swift uses a production coach, but you don't need one right? Last I checked. You're just going to learn how to perform from playing out a lot right? Well, that's kind of how, you know, everybody does it.

* So you took your guitar lessons Not one. I'm an autodidact. and you took your voice lessons, Nope. and now you're in a band or solo trying to figure out how to put on a show. Not really. Or for people who have been playing out for days or years, how to put on a BETTER show. Nope. Pretty sure it's all under control, chief.
* No matter how amazing your record sounds, how much marketing you have, or how good a player you are in your room...
* Live shows are where you establish yourself, where you make TRUE fans! I've heard that.
* You can play 500 shows a year, but if you're not doing it correctly, you are just spinning your wheels. OK, you are aware that that's one hundred thirty five more shows than there are days in a year, right? Am I your target audience or are you looking to address people with two-show-per-night contracts with the MGM Grand Casino?
* I WANT PEOPLE TO REMEMBER YOU! (and I certainly hope you do too)

I currently hold a series of classroom/stage workshops directed at building a better performer out of you or your band, and building a better performance for you. No matter what your goal - nailing A porn star? an audition, Oh. making the most of an opening slot, meeting all those high expectations as a headliner, or dazzling loyal fans with something different and special every time.

In my hour long weekly workshops I build performers and performances through working examples, real stage exercises, and personalized critiques. I am not a dance choreographer, OK. I am not a show choir director, Huh. I am not a pyrotechnic or stage technician, etc. And then your qualifications are? I am a working musician and entertainer that wants to make the most out of what you have to show the world, and bring out your best. Oh. All ages are welcomed, everyone is always learning from 15-150, myself included.

DO YOU WANT THEM TO REMEMBER YOU?? I could go either way on that one. I kind of hate people. I will help you. Respond to this posting for more information on locations, registration, or with general questions. Thanks.
  • Location: Minneapolis, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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