14 May, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

I know I know I know, I'm running late today. Sorry, I had to say good morning to junior before I got the day going. That took some time.

NEEDED: Rock Bass, Drums, and Lead Guitar (South Metro)

Date: 2012-05-13, 11:21PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Most of us pick up our instruments and look to our idols, saying, "Someday, I'm going to be a rock star!" Yeah. I did that. We dream of sold-out stadiums and screaming fans, Mostly? I was just in it for the money and the pussy, you know, as long as we're being honest. but most of us find ourselves in an empty bar on a Tuesday night, playing the same 10 songs to the same 5 people. Have you tried booking a different bar? Where did we go wrong? We got this thing in the mail called a bill. Turns out, you have to pay it. And then, after you do that? Another one comes a month later.
Fucked up, right?

The answer is simple: I'm sure I'm going to love this. you need to have a plan. Sock it to me. If music industry fame is your goal, you cannot expect writing and playing songs to be the path to success; you have to treat the band like a business, and all players need to be on the same page. I've got one green Yankee dollar to bet that this monkey was going to use a word like "synergy" before he caught himself. If you are a lead guitarist, bassist, and or drummer with an open mind, and the will to fight through the local scene (and rise above it), message me to find out why this eclectic rock project You mean the very project you've so far said nothing about in the course of your little seminar? has what it takes!
  • Location: South Metro
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Robin Zander needed__can you do it? Cheap Trick (Metro)

Are people on a Cheap Trick kick lately or what?

Date: 2012-05-13, 5:52PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Where in the hell is a Singer ROBIN ZANDER? Um... in Cheap Trick? I'd start by looking there. Age is not a factor, however you must kinda look, feel, and play the part. It would be nice if you could play some guitar to. In a band? No problem, but you would end up leaving for this. Woah! The macaroons on this guy! Got a bitchy non supportive wife? Stay on the porch! Stay on the porch? OK, I need someone to explain that one to me. Like drugs or drink allot? Yes. Don't reply. Fuck you. Like pro minded people with experience? This just may be for you. So, wait, you don't need to find Robin Zander anymore?
  • Location: Metro
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

drummer wanted for melodic hard rock

Date: 2012-05-12, 3:41PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

This project is like a mix between avenged sevenfold and papa roach. So it's going to suck. OK, got that. melodic as Hell. I need a drummer who is extremely solid, great double bass, and can bust out some Shit that makes peeps want to move. What? bust out some Shit that makes peeps want to move. Well, I've found my new catch phrase. This project is very commercial so if you would rather lay in the wastelands of underground music instead of mainstream this isn't for you. Wow. That's a first. The mainstream guy talked shit about the underground scene. He totally flipped the script on that one. This is a very serious project with extremely competent musicians. Must have great gear,good attitude,and be able to play to a click track.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

seeking singing/vocal samples (metro to outer west )

Date: 2012-05-12, 3:37PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Post industrial/ alterative/ synth pop recording project in works seeking vocals, singing, sampled voice.


forwarding music "in to the industry" possibly giging. Not sure..

I would like a reference of what you can do.

Pretty easy going, but seriouse about this project.

meet and greet? why not, send a link, professionals welcome!

I have no music posted. Welcome to phone calls/ meeting.

No creeps, none relgious music.

pending.. I can write you can sing.

Helps to have soul.

Alright, Thank you hear from you soon.

I can't be sure, but I think he was trying to post that in sonnet form.

  • Location: metro to outer west
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I so want this next one to be serious. I mean just completely dead serious. If anybody tells me this was actually a joke, I'll - OK, so I'll probably do nothing but, for real, don't ruin this for me.

Looking for investor to put out my band's record (Minneapolis, MN)

Date: 2012-05-12, 1:39PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for rich person with surplus money lying around that wants to give it to me and my band to put out our album.
In the ballpark of $2,000.
Serious inquiries only please.
  • Location: Minneapolis, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Lead Guitarist on a mission for the Lord (worldwide)

Sadly, this is not a Blues Brothers reference.

Date: 2012-05-12, 11:37AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am casting my net on the left side of the boat. Is that a thing? The left side... net... thing? Does anybody here get that reference? I'm a fisher of men for Jesus Christ. OK. I'm seeking what it is that he want's me to do next. Uh... Ive tried to do this my way. and their could be some level of success. but i not trying to teach musicians, how to play, and for that, play for my own self glory. Hold on hold on hold on... rewind the tape. but i not trying to teach musicians, how to play, and for that, play for my own self glory. You're not about to start speaking in tongues, are you? This is a gift that has been given to me, and I'm not so into the tradition or the ceremonies. I play a wide varity of styles as the spirit moves, and have all that is needed to take this music far beyond the four walls, of religion. I come to have church where ever he sends me. Alright, guy, you're really starting to creep me out. I play where he sends me bar's, churches of all kinds. I'm here to do his will. OK, the minute he says something like "He speaks through me" or "I am his vessel", I'm getting the fuck out of here. So if your on that mission for Jesus Christ, No. and are ready to risk it all, Risk!? and share your, gifts for the kingdom, Bruv, you are on some serious "end of days" shit and, again, you are creeping me the fuck out. Look me up. xxx, xxx, xxx, - xxxxx, xxxxx, xxxx- xxx, xxx, xxxxx, xxx. by the way You mean there's an addendum? i belong to Christ's Church the one that's not built with man's hands. WWWhhhaaattt??? Peace and May God bless in the name of Jesus.

  • Location: worldwide
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Seeking Female singers (minneapolis )

Date: 2012-05-12, 9:19AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm going to go ahead and not anonymize this because, for real, it's a scam wherein someone is going to try to defraud some poor, gullible young women out of a few hundred, maybe thousand dollars a piece.
But worse than that? It looks like some sex-slavery shit.

Seeking Female singers We currently seeking a Female singers for a el-live band. What the fuck is an el-live band? el-live Productions specializes in creating, developing, managing and booking bands to perform overseas specifically for 5-star hotel chains in Asia. RRRiiiggghhhttt...
-Seven piece band looking for Female Singers to perform on a long term basis.
The following are an absolute must:
-between the ages of 20-35 Isn't thirty five a little old for sex slaves? Because I've seen Taken, and all those gals in the sex slave scenes were, pfft, like early twenties, tops.
-ability to keep a steady beat (you would be surprised how many drummers cannot do this) OK?
-We are hiring top-notch female singers So, then what are you bringing up drummers for?
-have your own quality gear and know how to use it (i.e. know how to tune and maintain your set) What is with you and these fucking drummers?
-don't plan on moving within the next few years ← That part. That part right there. That is the single creepiest thing - previous ad taken into account - I have ever read in a musician wanted ad just based on the context of it.
-have a reasonably open availability (will talk about this in greater detail later) -have stage presence

If you are interested please send your profile to ellivegroove@gmail.com Any takers? You know, it might be fun to fuck with these people. Or dangerous. It could go either way.
Thank you

n of sand is highly variable, depending on the local rock sources and conditions, but the most common constituent of sand in inland continental settings and non-tropical coastal settings

  • Location: minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Alright, this next one sounds cool and I throw my support behind it. So if anybody ever reads these ads for when I post something positive or cool, this is that moment. Sign up for this.

attn: NEW Artist we need a couple bands or artist Sat June 2nd (Victory Nghborhood North Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-05-11, 2:09PM CDT
Reply to: rvrrafter@msn.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

This is our third year of having music at the Victory Garage Sales.

We get permits and block the street off.....We also have a art sale during the event along with lots of food which makes for a VERY busy corner.

We are looking for any bands that would be ok during a casual day event.

We do not have any money to pay te bands but tip jars are great to have plus other have liked the event just to go thru the motions before they get serious.

Any age is fine we also have had high school bands and turned out great.

Please send me any info or questions( rvrrafter@msn.com ) and feel free to post at music school or pass on to any friends you think might be interested...Thanks
  • Location: Victory Nghborhood North Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3005089243

band looking for guitar/backing vocals (minneapolis)

Date: 2012-05-11, 1:32AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

hi, Hello. we are a band interested in adding someone who can play guitar and sing backing vocals [clears throat] I believe I can help you with that.

it will be necessary for you to be able to do these things simultaneously Duh.

we do tour, so that is something you should want to do Let's see... I hate my job... I need a vacation... I haven't traveled in over a year... I hate my job... so, yes.

we are very messy Does anybody here know how to make a question mark look skeptical? I mean ? just looks quizzical. I need something more skeptical. and experimental onstage but very polite and professional and nice otherwise, you also need to be those things. I can be. we care more about whether or not you are nice and whether or not we get along with you than about what kind of rig you have or how pro you are Now, you see, that's how you find bandmates. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand times more: Bandmates are your friends, not your coworkers.

honestly we would prefer you to be a girl I knew it was too good to be true. because girl backing vocals are better than boy backing vocals Sound logic, that. and my friends say it's good for van culture to have girls around Possible responses include:
  1. Is it a rape van?
  2. Your friends sound rapey.
  3. None of your friends said that.
  4. No, just because she's a girl does not mean she's doing the band's laundry.
  5. Yeah, I know where you're going with this: You're in the van, alone, together, for hours on end... She's a captive audience and eventually she's going to get horny and fuck you because you're the only fuckable thing in sight. Is that why a woman is good for "van culture"? Is that it, Desperate McVirginstein?
  6. And people wonder why I distrust men who try to enlist female musicians...
You pick.
but we are committed to gender equality so we will graciously consider any suitable applicants I don't know anymore. Wow me.

it is important that you definitely think joy division are great, OK, I'm wowed and I'm back in. and it is okay if you like the cure, but you cannot like the cure too much And I'm back out. Don't tell me how much I can like something. Especially not the Cure. Asshole.

another thing we like is the REM album "up" Never heard it. I had Green on cassette once. Picked it up from the Salvation Army for a dollar or something. And then I think I traded it in at Mad Hatter when I was hard up for cash. Other than that? Never heard an entire REM record.

you absolutely need to have been to at least one concert in your life where only brutal noise and/or drone was played, no chords or melodies, ? and you need to have sincerely enjoyed yourself. Yeah, I'm definitely out. In case we hadn't established that. not that we do that, we're just not going to get along with you at all if you don't see the appeal of that. Well, I can't see the appeal of your whole van-lady thing (because I don't have the mindset of a fourteen year old nor am I virgin) so, yeah, no, we're not going to get along. But, hey, you had me going for a while there. I'll give you that.

also you definitely cannot be one of those people that sends around youtubes of white people covering beyonce and rihanna songs on acoustic instruments with a note that says "this is great! totally improves upon the original! great musicianship!" Yeah, sorry. Too little, too late.

refer to the email address above if you are interested or have further questions
  • Location: minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And this next one proves that you don't have to be overly verbose to post a bad ad.


Date: 2012-05-09, 6:00PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

How well do you know your bass? Country, top forties, classic rock, and etc. catch your fancy? Is professional enough to practice on your own and still make a weekly practice prepared, because you'd like to be ready for our 2-4 gigs a month? Wanna know more?
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Looking for female drummer and female bass player (Minneapolis)

Wait for it...

Date: 2012-05-08, 8:47PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org
Wait for it...

I am a lead vocalist that also plays guitar, I am looking to form a all women's band. Wait for it... I have a name for myself and play solo around the cities. Wait for it... Gigs are not hard to get what is finding the right people to work together. Wait for it... I am only available on Mon - Thursday nights to practice. Wait for it... I have another back up singer involved. Wait for it... I have worked with men and there is always issues.
I am looking for women musicians only.
If you are interested in forming a band please respond with some information about yourself.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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