31 May, 2012

Bizarre Coincidence of the Day

I swear, Amanda Seyfried wasn't my type until I watched In Time. And now? I'd give her the business.
Yes, because she looks like a cartoon android.

29 May, 2012

Remember that time I won something? You finally get to hear the prize.

I got word from Justin from the Austerity Program last night that I could go ahead and show off my prize from the record release remix contest now.
If you recall, my prize - being grand prize because I'm the fucking best at everything ever - was that I got to pick a song for the band to cover and they would, well, cover it. Thus we have the Austerity Program's rendition of John Barry's opening theme to Game of Death.
What did I have to do to win? I had to remix "Song 18"; my remix is featured in the player to the left. I'd like to include the original version of "Song 18" for comparative purposes but that's kind of beside the point. The point is I did something and I fucking won, goddamnit, because I'm a fucking winner. You don't think I'm a fucking winner? Fuck you. What have you won lately. Not nothing. Sucker.
But, no, if you want to hear the original version of "Song 18", you can always take your cheap ass over to the Hydrahead store and buy a copy of Black Madonna. It's US$10. Don't act like you can't drop that on a band that covers the themes from Bruce Lee movies at the behest of their fans.
You see? That's a plug.
I could have also included the original version of the theme from Game of Death but you know that you can just Google that, right? Go Google it if you have such a burning desire. I've already brought enough goodies for today. In the player to your left, there's my entry followed by my prize (I also received the eighth inch stereo master tape via USPS). That I won. Because I'm a fucking winner. Go ahead and get a little taste of what winning's like.

28 May, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads. (Special Supplementary Edition)

Once again, a totally unassuming ad was placed that seemed to stir shit in the MSP musician community.

Need 3-5 members for Serious Jazz/blues/improv/ (Wayzata/Monticello/Waconia/Glencoe range)


Date: 2012-05-22, 3:19PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hello, I am xxxx, Hi, xxxx. i teach and play mainly jazz and blues guitar.

I live near Buffalo, MN, but am willing to travel up to 30 miles for

playing and practicing. I want to start a band were we can play a few

times a week, whether it be in restraunts/coffee houses/ or the street.

We should be playing at least 3 times a week even if it is for TIPS.

PEOPLE LOVE LISTENING TO MUSICANS. We can split the money 50/50.

LOCATIONS- General areas where i am looking for musicans.
North-Monticello/st micheal
South-Waconia/st boni/victoria
East-Minnetonka/Wayzata/mound
West-Glencoe

MUSICANS NEEDED- AGES 18-80.
1 guitarist
1 piano player
1 bassist

*RULES-

1. (half of the tunes will be Jazz/blues standards from the real

book,and the other half can be songs we like, or improv.) We all take

turns playing rhythm and lead. Everyone gets a fair share.

2. Requirments- NO TABS ALLOWED!! What's wrong with tablature? You must know how to read music, and

know major and minor scales, and some basic music theory. What if I know my major and minor scales and have an intermediate knowledge of theory but I can't sight-read sheet music? I can read tablature, though. Also you must

be able to practice at least 2 hours a day minumum no exceptions. This

is a BUISNESS, not a joke. I only want serious ambitious people.

If you love music and are SERIOUS about playing in a band,and wanna play

jazz/blues/improv and some of your own stuff. Join me and together we

can play for money while having fun.

*Please text xxx-xxx-xxxx if you are interested again only SERIOUS

musicans.


  • Location: Wayzata/Monticello/Waconia/Glencoe range
  • it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Re: Need 3-5 members for Serious Jazz/blues/improv/


Date: 2012-05-22, 3:48PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

You are joking, right? Any musicians meeting your qualifications are already gigging for money and not tips. So that explains why I'm not out playing in a band. I meet only two of those. Because all musicians that fit all of those qualifications are, well, already out there doing it, man, and not sitting around struggling to find other like-minded and talented individuals. Some of these ads are so unrealistic they have to be jokes. Uh, how was anything he asked for unrealistic?
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Re: Need 3-5 members for Serious Jazz/blues/improv/


Date: 2012-05-22, 8:06PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Is one of your "requirments" spelling? I mean, this is a serious "buisness," eh? I want to be a serious "musican," too! And play 3 times a week for tips He didn't say strictly tips. (when I'm not practicing) in BFN!

Oh, how do you split money 50/50 between 3-5 people? I think he just means "evenly". I hope it's banana. OK, that part was funny.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



RE: re: the guy looking for jazz musicians (tsk tsk)


Date: 2012-05-23, 12:27PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

To the guy who responded to the ad:

You must be very proud of yourself to be such a good speller and mathemetician (and so witty!). Perfect in every way. As far as I know, spelling and math aren't requirements to be a good musician. Well, rhythm is kind of a mathematical thing. Everyone's got their own gifts and talents. Yours, unfortunately, is to butt into someone's business and make fun of their defiecencies (hmm, hope I spelled that right, Hate to break it to you but, actually... I'm not a very good singer if I didn't) to make you feel better about yourself. Why don't you go practice your intstrument instead of spending time pointing out others' faults. Yes, I used sarcasm in this response, Hadn't picked up on that. and it bugs me greatly when people are mean to each other, but you're probably a pretty decent person. Maybe you will learn something from this reminder. I speak the truth in love.


The original, mean-spirited response to someone's post:

Is one of your "requirments" spelling? I mean, this is a serious "buisness," eh? I want to be a serious "musican," too! And play 3 times a week for tips (when I'm not practicing) in BFN!

Oh, how do you split money 50/50 between 3-5 people? I hope it's banana. Seriously, that part was funny.

  • Location: tsk tsk
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 3033424837

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Sorry, I got no snarky intro this week.

Looking for electronics for ridiculous post hardcore type band (MN)

OK, let's get one thing straight. The brand of "post hardcore" I'm assuming you're referring to is already ridiculous by default.

Date: 2012-05-27, 1:22AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Guitarist and Drummer are seeking someone to "DJ" for a post hardcore type band. We are looking to be completely ridiculous with it.

Think Attack Attack, Already ridiculous. Asking Alexandria, Already ridiculous. Skip The Foreplay, There's a band called Skip the Foreplay? [Googles.] shit like that. It certainly is shit. What the fuck happened to Epitaph that they gotta sign some bullshit like that? Looking for techno/dance breaks, dub step breakdowns, auto tuned vocals to make it over the top and silly. Well, you certainly picked the right influences.

So if you or anyone you know might be interested hit us up.

We have pro gear and have been playing music for many years and are just looking to have some fun with it!

-You Had Me At Hellozium OK, is that your band name or your sign off? Should I have anonymized that?
  • Location: MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Tour abroad (eastern europe)


Date: 2012-05-27, 1:02AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for other musicians that might consider touring eastern europe as a horde. As a horde? What the fuck, man, are we invading Mongolia or something?


  • Location: eastern europe
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


And the winner of our "UUUhhh... What?" award is...

So, you're a little short, small hands, squeeky voice, (all aboard)


Date: 2012-05-26, 5:37PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

but you enjoy music. You wanna look for the lost chord. Well, somebody else already found it, perfected it, and used it up.
Most people who know about that prefer to PLAY music rather than Make Noise. To ignore Irving Berlin or Porter,
Kern, Gershwin, etc., is like lowering the hoop and using a soccerball instead of a basketball.

  • Location: all aboard
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


And the winner of our "Somebody's Pissy" award is...

TOTAL PRO DRUMMER FOR HIRE (Where the gigs are)


Date: 2012-05-25, 4:03PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Pro drummer for hire. Can play all types of music. Years of experience in:

- canceling rehearsals
- showing up late for everything
- forgetting the songs
- quitting the band hours before a show
- puking
- sweating on girls who are there to see the guitarist anyway Yeah, man. Get off my Kool-Aid.
- rehab
- begging rides from friends

I sold my drums for coke a few months ago, so please provide yours. Will spend at least an hour adjusting your kit to fit my very specific needs. Please provide sticks. I hit really hard, so you should probably go ahead and get new heads - don't worry, I'm great at tuning. My girlfriend has a car, so transportation is no problem. Just provide the tunes, and all your cigarettes and I'm good to go!
  • Location: Where the gigs are
  • it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



shoegazey synth/guitar looking


Date: 2012-05-23, 5:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Simple original pop songs with a messy garagey analog chill out noise surfy flavor. This isn't going to be like that Wavves bullshit, is it?
If that makes sense to you, It kind of did but it sounded uncomfortably like it could lead to bullshit. and you are over 18 Yes. but under 27, Fuck you. let's talk.
I play guitar/synth/pedals You play pedals? and like to sing and write but not really trying to do lead vox.
Looking for anyone who likes good music and wants to play some god damn shows, especially people who can harmonize, and can go from being really chill to really sweaty with ease. Oh, so you want to do porn soundtracks? Why didn't you just say so? I'm down.
Drums/Bass/More guitar/More synth/More hot chicks. Oh, Jesus.
Don't care how nice your gear is if you can't use it.
But if you're a (insert instrument of choice) master who plays garagesale stuff cause it's funny and more recognizable, You know, having nothing to do at all with maybe affordability or a preference for a particular kind of instrument based on how it sounds or absolutely any of the factors that musicians actually use aside from novelty.
And, yes, I know Billy Gibbons has a fur covered guitar and Rick Nielsen plays a five neck Hamer. That's because those guys are Billy Gibbons and Rick Nielsen, they can do whatever the hell they want.
we'd probably get along.
Not looking to reinvent the wheel or sell out any stadiums, but it'd be cool to make people feel weird at your girlfriends house party or the local library. No. No. Look, I'm not about to go fucking with people at my girlfriend's house party. I don't know if you've ever been in, you know, a relationship but ladies tend not to dig it when their boyfriend's band comes by and starts fucking with her friends, classmates, co-workers, whoever. That's the kind of shit that starts an argument, son, and I, for one, would like to avoid the argument over why my bandmates and maybe even myself decided to act like a bunch of idiots.
Don't do that shit at the library, either. You want to fuck with people, keep it at the bar.

Let me know if you want to hear samples/have questions/want influences etc..



  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



I have a massive void inside (SW suburbs)

OK, did anybody else read that and immediately think of the old Molly Shannon / Chris Kattan "Goth Talk" sketches from SNL or am I the only one?

Date: 2012-05-23, 4:35AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I have the darkness in me. White on white translucent black capes... I think of myself as a good person, and i am. ... back on the rack... but i have a massive void inside of me. Bela Lugosi's dead! I am a guitarist, im 27. ive been in bands on and off since i was 15. its been a few years now though. I NEED to start a band, i feel like its my last hope of trying to rid these demons... OK, I'm sorry. I just laughed the shit out of my ass off so can you say that again? I NEED to start a band, i feel like its my last hope of trying to rid these demons... For fucking real. Bands i am thinking of as inspiration would be something like... Primus, Really? Primus? Yeah, because when I think of dark and tortured, I think of the band that wrote "Jerry Was a Race Car Driver". Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, These fucking guys? The Mars Volta, Tool, The Birthday Party, Tom Waits, Nick Cave, Robert Johnson, etc.... I used to be in metal bands. I like metal, a lot, but its not enough anymore. Bela Lugosi's dead! I listen to a lot of blues, OLD delta style. I'm at the crossroads, and im ready. "Me and the devil, was walkin side by side" For real.

I need a Drummer, and a bassist who can get a dark and grooving beat... Bela Lugosi's dead! ill do the rest. Also, i think a saxaphone player would be perfect Nothing says dark and brooding like a silky smooth sax line.
  • Location: SW suburbs
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Noisy Bassist Seeks Noisy Drummer for 2 Man Thunder Jams (W. St. Paul)

OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it so I can get it out of my system and we can move on...
That sounds pretty gay.

Date: 2012-05-23, 2:38AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Machine Gun God of Thunder Insert Lil Jon What? Machine Gun God of Thunder seeks drummer who can TEAR HOLES IN THE SKY ! Well, you've got my attention and I'm not even a drummer.

I just moved to the Twin Cities From where? Mount Olympus, oh mighty Zeus? and am looking for a soul brother who wants to break hearts and eardrums in a furious bass/drum noise explosion. I'm sorry, everything this guy says just makes me picture two guys fucking.

Been playing for 10 years and have chops.

Influences, The Coach Whips, Lightning Bolt, Death From Above 1979, Sabbath, Maiden, the Sword ect...

If this is you don't hesitate to contact!
  • Location: W. St. Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



How do you drink water on stage? Performance Coach Here (Minneapolis, MN)


Date: 2012-05-21, 7:33PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I bet you've never even thought about that before. You'd be betting right. Why not? Because I drink beer on stage. How and when should you take a drink of water on stage? Probably when you damned well feel like it. Do you know?? Uh, yeah.

Taylor Swift uses a production coach, but you don't need one right? Last I checked. You're just going to learn how to perform from playing out a lot right? Well, that's kind of how, you know, everybody does it.

* So you took your guitar lessons Not one. I'm an autodidact. and you took your voice lessons, Nope. and now you're in a band or solo trying to figure out how to put on a show. Not really. Or for people who have been playing out for days or years, how to put on a BETTER show. Nope. Pretty sure it's all under control, chief.
* No matter how amazing your record sounds, how much marketing you have, or how good a player you are in your room...
* Live shows are where you establish yourself, where you make TRUE fans! I've heard that.
* You can play 500 shows a year, but if you're not doing it correctly, you are just spinning your wheels. OK, you are aware that that's one hundred thirty five more shows than there are days in a year, right? Am I your target audience or are you looking to address people with two-show-per-night contracts with the MGM Grand Casino?
* I WANT PEOPLE TO REMEMBER YOU! (and I certainly hope you do too)

I currently hold a series of classroom/stage workshops directed at building a better performer out of you or your band, and building a better performance for you. No matter what your goal - nailing A porn star? an audition, Oh. making the most of an opening slot, meeting all those high expectations as a headliner, or dazzling loyal fans with something different and special every time.

In my hour long weekly workshops I build performers and performances through working examples, real stage exercises, and personalized critiques. I am not a dance choreographer, OK. I am not a show choir director, Huh. I am not a pyrotechnic or stage technician, etc. And then your qualifications are? I am a working musician and entertainer that wants to make the most out of what you have to show the world, and bring out your best. Oh. All ages are welcomed, everyone is always learning from 15-150, myself included.

DO YOU WANT THEM TO REMEMBER YOU?? I could go either way on that one. I kind of hate people. I will help you. Respond to this posting for more information on locations, registration, or with general questions. Thanks.
  • Location: Minneapolis, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

25 May, 2012

You know how we like cooking and punk rock around these parts?

Well, here we have a video of Steve Albini during one of Shellac's question and answer sessions giving a brief how-to on, well, how to cook a potato. And then they launch into "Wingwalker". But, yeah, after you get your potato tip, rewind the video and learn whether or not Shellac would ever play in space.

24 May, 2012

Ladies and gentlemen? Kreayshawn drinking a glass of maple syrup.

I made this for you. You're welcome.

Taken from the video uploaded to Kreayshawn's Vevo this past Monday.

23 May, 2012

Holy shit, this is the third day in a row that I've posted something.

And it's musically related. Today, for one day only, if you go to Google, you'll get to play with their "Doodle" synth in honor of Robert Moog's seventy eighth birthday. I've taken the liberty of just straight jacking the instruction guide from Moog's website for you.

22 May, 2012

Everything is good these days but all of my friends are married.


Alternately titled "Pop Culture Damage at 109BPM". That may be a better title for it, actually; I can't think of too many married friends.
Anyway, as some of you may know, I've got an inordinate amount of time on my hands. Sometimes that means that I will sample the shit out of a movie. Or two. Or three. Right now, my "sample folder" has ninety nine little snippets from various movies in it and I never really had any plans for them, I guess, so, about two weeks ago, I said fuck it and just went ahead and did something with them.
I'd sampled that Magnapop hook before, in a project I did a few years ago where I sampled the guitar intro from Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane", a brass section drone from I forget where, and a string swell from an old thirties movie I can't remember. Maybe someday, if I'm in the mood to exercise my §107 rights and I'm feeling masochistic, I'll post that one.
Sample credits:
  • Michael Peña in Observe and Report (2009)
  • Grace Chang performing "Habanera" from Carmen in The Wild, Wild Rose (1960)
          (sliced, stretched, and manually fit to the grid for tempo purposes)
  • SFX from Fist of the North Star (1986)
  • Anna Karina in Alphaville (1965)
  • Portishead performing "Only You" from Portishead (1997)
          (stretched to sync to grid and bit crushed)
  • Free use drum samples
  • Elizabeth Olsen in Martha Marcy May Marlene (2011)
  • Magnapop performing "Open the Door" from Rubbing Doesn't Help (1996)
          (filtered to remove bass guitar and hi-hat)
  • Free use saxophone sample
  • Deborah Van Valkenburgh in The Warriors (1979)
  • Buddy Rich drum solo used in Marco Brambilla's "Sync" from Destricted (2006)
  • Alia Shawkat in Cedar Rapids (2011)
          (pitched up one half-step)
  • Deborah Van Valkenburgh in The Warriors (1979)
          (pitched down one half-step)
  • Christopher Stone and Elisabeth Brooks in The Howling (1981)
Y'all are forbidden from making any Girl Talk jokes.
§ 107. Limitations on exclusive rights: Fair use

Notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A, the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. In determining whether the use made of a work in any particular case is a fair use the factors to be considered shall include —

(1) the purpose and character of the use, including whether such use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes;

(2) the nature of the copyrighted work;

(3) the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole; and

(4) the effect of the use upon the potential market for or value of the copyrighted work.

The fact that a work is unpublished shall not itself bar a finding of fair use if such finding is made upon consideration of all the above factors.

21 May, 2012

You know how this is my blog and I get to do whatever the fuck I want with it?

Like when I post a video for no reason other than that I like it. Like this one of New Order playing "Bizarre Love Triangle" in Stockport, England in 1987.
Or this one of New Order doing "Age of Consent" for BBC Radio 1 in 1984. I mean, shit, any time you get an excuse to post a video of Stephen Morris doing sixteenth notes on the hi-hat, you have a reason to post a video. (Not to mention that Bernard Sumner's Vox cab is emblazoned with the words "GAY SPERM" in what looks to be masking tape.)

Your weekly musicians' ads.

This week? Shit's bonkers. I'm feeling fifty-fifty on these, my little illiterati...

♥SEEKlNG JAM SESSlON ( ##++minneapolis ++##)


Date: 2012-05-21, 7:54AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Local musician Come and join them. . . profiles with video,

bios, music, pictures and more!!!!

There was a link here, now there isn't.

Playing sport was somewhat frivolous, but I liked it. I rebelled a little bit, and wouldn't go to music lessons and things like that, but I would go and play ball. My parents learned to love it because they saw how much I got out of it. UUUhhh... good to know, I guess.











  • Location: ##++minneapolis ++##
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



METAL (ST.PAUL)


Date: 2012-05-20, 11:54PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Im xxxxx ive been playing drums for 12 years.
I have my own practice place and pa.
I need members for my band. Doesn't everybody?
when i say metal im talking more heavy subgenres like Deathcore,techmetal,hardcore,posthordcore,metalcore and prog
So dont send a message saying do you like some shit@#y 93x band Don't fucking do it.
Xxxxx xxx-xxx-xxxx
By the way im serious about this In case yo' bitch ass couldn't tell.
Thank you,
Xxxxx
  • Location: ST.PAUL
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Forming Young Original Rock Band (Fridley)


Date: 2012-05-20, 11:35PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am interested in forming a young, original rock band. OK, he's already said "young". If he says "vibrant", I'm out. I am looking for drums, guitars, sax, keys, vocals, etc. I will help you with your stage presence, performances, exposure and marketing. In return for what, exactly? You will appear on some local cable channels along with you tube, flikr, facebook, etc. Age range 18 years old to 23 years old. I have a full studio with the majority of the instruments on site. Again, what's in this for you?
You've got a whole life time to explore music and bands you find interesting. I only have a few months. Oh, ha ha ha, great, I have the ominous feeling that I've just mocked a dying man. Let's see what we can do
  • Location: Fridley
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Metal/Groove Drummer needed (Saint Paul )


Date: 2012-05-20, 4:17PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

We are a heavy metal band. Period. We aren't Screamo. We are fairly established . OK, so you're established. Mind sharing the name of your established band with the class? We have a drummer but he has different views. Oh, sorry to hear that. Is he a libertarian? You don't need to be great, just a drummer who can dominate with complex or simple beats. We practice once or more a week and hve many shows lined up. We don't care how old you are but we are all 15. Facepalm? Is there a facepalm emoticon? Because I kind of need it. Email if you want in. Links or recordings are a plus but it doesn't matter.
  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



tooling for anus-looking for punk spirited drum/bass

Tooling for anus... Well, at least he's going to get attention.

Date: 2012-05-20, 1:23AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

i have around 20 songs along the lines of early 90s grunge (nirvana, weezer) Did you just associate Weezer with grunge? Yeah, that's not... Yeah. with some 60s garage rock (the stooges, the sonics) and high energy punk and weirdness (ween, the meatmen, black flag). i'm looking for a drummer who can keep a clean beat and beat the fuck out of those heads, and a bassist who can carry the song while i fuck my guitar Lil Jon "What?" while i fuck my guitar and who can run off with his own restrained, but interesting, melody when i've got the rhythm (usually while i'm singing, but not always. i like to use the same guitar riffs for emphasis and as a base for somebody else's solos.) i'm looking for people in their early 20s I'm out. (read: not completely "realistic" Still out. (read: pessimistic) RRReeeaaallllllyyy fucking out. about making a living in music.). Ahem...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- deep breath - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA! Phew! Obviously, you've never been here before.
i'd like to practice nearly everyday, so if you're looking for a once a week sort of gig, apply elsewhere. with nearly daily practice we should be able to work out the songs i've got written, write some more songs, and get a respectable selection of covers under our belts by the end of the summer, upon which we can work on playing out. I like your moxie, kid. You have a realistic goal of playing out by summer's end with the not completely unreasonable but perhaps not always feasible strategy of daily practice. i know a couple bands along the same lines that we can set up shared shows with already and i'm always looking for more. planning on monthly shows by fall (if the right people can be found.)

i can send a couple rough demos if you're interested.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Professional Band looking for Bassist (St. Paul)


Date: 2012-05-18, 12:26AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

We are a professional band with 3 years experience playing locally. We are looking for a new bass player. We play rock/progressive/alternative music. Biggest influences include We haven't done this in a while. Incubus, Suck. Coheed and Cambria, Suck. Dreamtheater, The 80s called, they want their hair back. Big Wreck, Never heard of them. Muse. The band of talented musicians that make music I don't like.

Requirements:
Must play 4 and 5 string. Then you must play a twelve string and your drummer needs rototoms.
5+ years playing experience and preferred band experience
Basic understanding of music theory
You can write bass lines One would hope that a bassist could do that.
You are awesome I've tried to be that. You can see how well that's worked out.
No drugs, [cough]Pussy![/cough] we are not a party band.
Must be willing to play covers for additional income. Yes, I'm willing to forego my artistic integrity and ride on the creative coattails of others' successes in the name of making money.
Must be available weekends for practice. 2 times every weekend.

We have an established following Holy shit! You're so good your fucking following is established? Holy mackerel! and play with national touring bands. Such as? We have one album released, and are currently working on our next album right now.
We are looking to make this into a career. Let's see, I've already done that whole caps-lock-ha-ha-ha thing once already, can I do it again?
Sure. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Please email us if you are interested and we will discuss things further. Discuss things further? That sounds like some shit my old man would say if I were in trouble but he was too busy to reprimand me at just that moment: "Go to your room and we'll discuss things further over dinner."
  • Location: St. Paul
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Local Artist Zest Music Fest - Now taking band submitals (St. Paul Park)


Date: 2012-05-15, 12:47PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Local Artist Zest Music Fest is now taking band applications. We are looking looking for only a couple more bands. We're open to most music styles, however we are not considering heavy metal Then I'm not considering you. or rap bands. Please respond via this craigs list add with your band name, genre, list of instruments/vocals in the band, ? links to your website or audio/video recordings, and your honest estimate for how many people you'd draw to this specific event Honestly? [counts fingers, looks to ceiling, nods head from side to side -] Oh and then... [resumes counting on fingers, nods] Zero. (see links below for event specifics).

We're looking for a couple of fun bands that are willing to "invest" in the event. Is this pay to play? You know, Bobby once got the Straightaways mixed up in one of those shows. I say "invest" because It's pay to play? the bands will be paid a % of the profits made from the festival. Basically, both the bar and the bands will share the risk/reward for how many people attend and how much they drink/eat. Smells like bullshit, to me. We still have to work with the bar to understand all the costs and negotiate the band % take away. Oh, so you mean that the bar is putting itself at a substantial financial risk and is going to do its damnedest to promote this event as well? (Fyi...I am a member of one of the bands performing...so I am in the same boat as you guys...and I am looking out for us musicans.) Sure you are, man, sure you are. Not that this event will be a big money maker anyway, I am more driven to perform/attend this because I think it will be fun. For a reference point, last year they had a similar event, except only 1 band. They brought in approximately 150 people and after bar cost, Bar cost? Oh, this has definitely got to be pay to play. the band came away with $690. So at least that gives you an idea of the numbers. Yeah, one band got very lucky at a pay for play event, pulled a hundred fifty people in the door and probably had to strong arm the bar for US$690. How many bands do you have on the bill this year? Ten? I mean, it's a festival, right? Let's say six bands at the very least. Let's say not every band brings a hundred fifty people or manages to keep those hundred fifty people around. And here you've been bandying about a number like US$690 dollars in the hopes that prospective bands will overlook the part where that wasn't for each band or one band, it was for the only band. This years event will be notably larger.


For more info on the newly created webpage
There was a url here, now there isn't.


  • Location: St. Paul Park
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Your weekly musicians' ads. (Special Supplementary Edition)

Remember two weeks ago? The part with The Review Gal? You know, she couldn't write very well, she reviewed cover bands, and (I couldn't tell if) she either hadn't an idea to express or just didn't know how to express the ones she had. Remember her? Yeah? Good.
Now, remember the supplementary edition from that same week? How everybody there responded to (read: lost their shit over) the blue fox ultra mega super jam jam time? Yeah, Minneapolis musicians apparently love nothing more than to dog pile on a waste of time. Witness the butthurt...

The review gal! Please Review My Band! (Twin Cities)


Date: 2012-05-15, 5:48PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey Review Gal - wanna come check us out? Guarantee you would like us!!
  • Location: Twin Cities
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RE: Review Gal (Everywhere)


Date: 2012-05-16, 9:14AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I have a review for you: you can't spell, you use horrible grammar and have no knowledge of music or of what it's like to play in a live band. Your "review" of City Knights is that the drummer is cute and the "suck knob" was turned up. You're an idiot. Do every musician in this town a favor and stay the hell home where you clearly belong, and stop writing ridiculous "reviews" that slam bands that don't play shitty current pop or aren't cute enough for you to fantasize about. After reading your bullshit for quite a while now, She's posted twice, guy. I've come to the conclusion that you don't have a brain cell in your head, which is reflected in your writing -- it's truly awful. And I'll bet good money the picture you posted is not even remotely close to what you look like. DDDuuuhhh...

Sincerely yours,

A local musician with over 25 years experience playing live in and around the Twin Cities
  • Location: Everywhere
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RE: CITY KNIGHTS BAND REVIEW (the whole world)


Date: 2012-05-16, 10:01AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

To all the haters out there, this Review Girl is your majority audience!! ? Yeah, she is not a musician or in a band, OK, we all suspect that but does anybody know this for a fact? either are your audience. Listen up, you might learn something. These small stupid details are what the general public pays attention to when they go out to see a show, they don't care or understand how long you worked on getting that Eddie VanHalen gtr solo or how many hours you spent in practice to nail all the chords and harmonies to that Boston song, they care how you look, ? act on stage, ? sound......get a clue! About what? Cover bands? Look good, act pro, have fun and don't suck and don't go crying when someone doesn't like your show!!
  • Location: the whole world
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re: Reveiw Gal (TC)


Date: 2012-05-16, 11:02AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

This review reeks of BS. This isn't somebody reviewing a band. It's somebody getting some sort of revenge. OOOKKK, now I think we're going off the deep end. It was clear the first time I read it and since it's been reposted I'm even more convinced. Shame on you whoever you are. This is a petty, immature thing to do. No, it's a tactless manner in which to say she doesn't like something. From the lack of language skills displayed in her writing over all, one could presume that she's not very practiced at making negative comments in a constructive manner. Or the short version: She's not mean, she's dumb. Plus, it's not even very well done! Put a little effort in. Perhaps some software or a smarter person to help you with the syntax, grammar, and spelling. Better yet, just move on. You're clearly not cut out for this sort of thing. WWWaaaiiittt a minute now. You can tell her she sucks to the point where she ought to pack it in but she can't make a similar comment about a fucking cover band? Wow, way to point out "petty, immature" things to do.
  • Location: TC
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Re: Review Gal


Date: 2012-05-16, 11:28AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I agree, these reviews are very immature. This is supposed to be a forum for musicians, not your 'typical audience'. Find a different forum Bruv, it's not a forum, it's a fucking classifieds site. If I can get a futon and a VCR here, it's not a forum. or start a facebook review site. Perhaps the most reasonable thing posted thus far.
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City Knights Review (Fridley)


Date: 2012-05-16, 11:33AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am a former owner of many nightclubs around town. Indeed, I booked City Knights at my last bar. They drew a crowd every time. They played their material consistently, and up to a professional standard. I booked them many, many times over a 6 year period. All of the musicians in this band are experienced and know what they are doing. I, for one, would hire them in a minute if I owned a bar currently (indeed, I am pursuing another right now and will cll upon them again). I enjoy Tommy and his crew. And for those who don't know, Tommy is an entertainment professional who makes a living working the equipment at major concert venues around town. I am talking Target Center/State Theater/Excel, etc. I would bet his credentials stack up a little higher than most in the business. Anyway, I find it quite disquieting that a slander review is posted here. Slander!? Slander!? All she said, albeit in one of the more moronic and sophomoric ways possible, was that a cover band sucked and you call that slander? This listing category is not the place for it. Lady - take your review, if you can remotely call it that She did call it that because that's what it was. Piss poor, yes, but that's what it was. - and . . . Thanks Tommy and City Knights for all your work for me over the years!
  • Location: Fridley
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RE: Review Gal / City Knights


Date: 2012-05-16, 4:40PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Add me to the list that think this is totally dispicable. I bet she never thought she was going to catch this much hyperbolic shit. I'll even give you another angle and the name of MY BUSINESS and why I completely disagree with your post or reasoning behind it...no matter whom you really are.

As a local 22 yr DJ for a living and an ameteur guitarist myself, people like you, whom I'm guessing has never done either, it's always easy to take cheap shots from the cheap seats isn't it?! So, wait a minute, this is starting to bother me: Granted, I'm a musician, so I get a sort-of pass when I concoct a record review but since when does somebody need to be an active participant in a particular field to have an opinion on said field? So, she's not a musician? She can't have an opinion on a band or a record? Or is she not allowed to have negative ones? Hey, guess what: I've never made a movie or a TV show. Does that mean I can't form and maybe publicly state my opinion of movies or television programs? Do I have to wait until I publish one of my three novels before I can talk shit about the Twilight books again? This whole idea of "you-don't-know-how-to-do-it-so-you're-not-qualified-to-judge-it" is largely bullshit. It doesn't take away from that she did a piss poor job of writing her review, I'm just saying that I'm seeing some far shittier and hyperbolic attitudes than she presented. Everybody and their brother thinks they can do it just like everyone on Craigslist or Facebook thinks if they go to Guitar Center and by the gear, their suddenly a club mix-master or rockstar over night. Everybody does? Everybody? I won't speak for the band personally (and by the way... I have seen these guys regularly and they rock in my opinion and I agree with the previous post from the bar owner...professional all the way...so you're WAY off), but from me personally, anytime you want to step un the stage n front of the mic for me, have at it!!

As far as the band goes again...Your post is soooo loaded with calculated ignorance She said the band chewed gum and drank beer on stage and that the drummer was cute. That qualifies as "calculated ignorance"? Really? it's rather unfortunate that you choose to pick on one of the nicest bunch of guys on top of being really good. How's that job @ BK working out for ya huh? Oh we know..."Exciting things are happening @ BK" right? You sure showed her!

He posted all of his contact info here.



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RE Review Gal (TC)


Date: 2012-05-17, 9:58AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I read the reviews of review gal. People you're giving her what she wants. She has no credibility. DDDuuuhhh... Reviewing a band is more than what YOU like. You want audience reaction, draw and the appeal based on the genre. And cue the Lil Jon voice and say, "What!?"
  • Location: TC
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19 May, 2012

Recent... Um... (Local Edition)

Kitty Rhombus, Lips & Arms
I'm going to be honest because I like to think I'm not just running around being some sort of sycophant when I review a record: Largely, Lips & Arms wasn't my thing. (Sorry, Kitty Rhombus, you probably won't find anything quotable in this review.) Part of the problem, though, is that I can't tell precisely why it's not my thing. Through the record, there are elements of things I am into: Snotty vocals, guitar interplay that's in contest for the new Verlaine / Lloyd title... But, "Outside In", the opener? I wasn't grabbed until maybe the last minute. "Daughters'", however, I was pulled in right away. It has the muscle and the theater reminiscent of the Tool songs I like and, believe me, those have grown to be pretty few ever since I started confusing Tool with A Perfect Circle and not just because of Maynard's presence. (For real, did the world even need A Perfect Circle when Tool was already there?) "Parasitic Emergence" has a few moments that remind me of my first band, so I can't hate on that.
So after the first three songs, what I have is something in which I hear elements I like but, on a whole, isn't connecting with me. And that just reminds me of something (I think) John Peel (correct me if I'm wrong) said, "If I don't like a record, it's my fault for not getting it, not the band's; they know what they're doing." Or something to that effect. Yes, I know that I'm on the internet right now and I can just look it up, but for brevity's sake, let's just keep going.
Now, I know this all sounds negative so far. But I'm going to tell you that this record didn't fail in winning me over. ",Baby?" is the first song on the record to grab me completely and this is where the guitarists are definitely pulling out the Verlaine / Lloyd moves. "Gas Station" is a real solid winner. Some of the best vocal harmonizing I've heard on a record in a long time on a song that takes you back to the protoglam era, if that was ever a thing / era, a time from the late sixties and early seventies where arena rock was built on PCP and old Beatles records. And "Fan Fare" is a solid interlude between "sides" of the record, leading to "Phantom Skin", another one with tight vocal harmonies, this time built around a Jesus Lizard / Shellac rhythm.
And maybe that's my problem with the record: So far, I've been able to hear influences from Television, Tool, Beatles, the Jesus Lizard, and Shellac. And while Kitty Rhombus does an outstanding job in combining these elements - trust me, listen to it and you'll hear that it's not so much a simulacra or amalgamation of styles as it is a digestion of influences; when Ian contacted me, he assured me that I'd never heard anything like Kitty Rhombus before, which, yeah, honestly, I thought, "SSSuuurrreee" - it's almost a sensory overload from where I'm sitting.
And I think that's my chief problem: In a band that's created an identity all their own, they are essentially without identity. Or at least, they're without identity until twenty or so bands start copping their moves and then we truly have a new genre on our hands. Because that how it goes: You have a new word, you need to define that new word.
And here's where we move into the heavy shit, kids. It is one tenet of Lacanian theory - and the only tenet of Lacan's philosophy that I can actually recall - that an object has value until you give it a name. A category that it can fit into. And because Kitty Rhombus don't fit into a category, try as I might to have done so by attaching comparisons, be they fair or unfair, they have value. Perhaps more value than the bands that you can easily put into your metal folder, your punk folder, your country and western folder. But it's because I've had a lifetime as a music fan who grew up in a world with these distinctions and rules and categories that I'm having trouble really sinking my teeth into this, you dig?
And so then, I have to transport myself back to a different time. The one of Mozart and the one of Beethoven and the one of my beloved Strauss... You have to think about it in the terms of what music fans back then thought of it: None of it was classical. And there are certainly music aficionados more tutored than I that can tell us that one guy was a romantic composer and another guy was a baroque composer, but those aren't genres so much as they are eras. There were romantic painters and sculpters and writers and poets, baroque painters and sculpters and writers and poets; nothing so much to do with genre as it was to do with era. To make my point clear, Kitty Rhombus isn't playing a genre of music, they're playing music. And that's where I'm getting tripped up: I never lived in an era where music was just music (As silly as that sounds because music is music, what else could it be?), I live in an era where I once made two people at the same time very, very angry when I suggested that if you took Twisted Sister's Stay Hungry, cut the songs in half, sped them up, and ixnayed the solos, you could easily have a Black Flag record. People get pissy and defensive about their categories. In my thirty one years, I've not come across too many people who didn't. It's the normative behavior. So you take this band, right here, Kitty Rhombus, and you have a band that could probably give less than a squirt of piss about categorization and that makes them a hard Worther's to suck on.
And I have no doubt that these four guys probably have Ramones and Johnny Cash records, Violent Femmes and Sex Pistols records, maybe some Birthday Party, maybe some Megadeth, all the great required listenings that everybody our age has been force fed... It's just that they heard them and probably said, "Great. That's been done. Why do that again?"
So, what's the deal with this record and me? It's a record that I should listen to a lot more. I have a feeling that the past two weeks have not been enough exposure (coincidentally, I was supposed to have this review up last weekend but I was sick). And the band is three-quarters local and I think I might have seen somewhere that they play at Cause down on Lyn-Lake so I should go see them the next time I see their name in the free weekly's calendar. I mean, shit, Cause is what? A three? four minute bike ride from the house? But can I love this record yet? Not necessarily but that doesn't mean that love can't blossom. It's going to take a bit of time but I'm sure that, after a while, after I get over my hangups, this could be a go to record.
I do, however, foresee problems with trying to fuck to it. I'll say that: You can't fuck to it.

14 May, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

I know I know I know, I'm running late today. Sorry, I had to say good morning to junior before I got the day going. That took some time.

NEEDED: Rock Bass, Drums, and Lead Guitar (South Metro)


Date: 2012-05-13, 11:21PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Most of us pick up our instruments and look to our idols, saying, "Someday, I'm going to be a rock star!" Yeah. I did that. We dream of sold-out stadiums and screaming fans, Mostly? I was just in it for the money and the pussy, you know, as long as we're being honest. but most of us find ourselves in an empty bar on a Tuesday night, playing the same 10 songs to the same 5 people. Have you tried booking a different bar? Where did we go wrong? We got this thing in the mail called a bill. Turns out, you have to pay it. And then, after you do that? Another one comes a month later.
Fucked up, right?


The answer is simple: I'm sure I'm going to love this. you need to have a plan. Sock it to me. If music industry fame is your goal, you cannot expect writing and playing songs to be the path to success; you have to treat the band like a business, and all players need to be on the same page. I've got one green Yankee dollar to bet that this monkey was going to use a word like "synergy" before he caught himself. If you are a lead guitarist, bassist, and or drummer with an open mind, and the will to fight through the local scene (and rise above it), message me to find out why this eclectic rock project You mean the very project you've so far said nothing about in the course of your little seminar? has what it takes!
  • Location: South Metro
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




Robin Zander needed__can you do it? Cheap Trick (Metro)

Are people on a Cheap Trick kick lately or what?

Date: 2012-05-13, 5:52PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Where in the hell is a Singer ROBIN ZANDER? Um... in Cheap Trick? I'd start by looking there. Age is not a factor, however you must kinda look, feel, and play the part. It would be nice if you could play some guitar to. In a band? No problem, but you would end up leaving for this. Woah! The macaroons on this guy! Got a bitchy non supportive wife? Stay on the porch! Stay on the porch? OK, I need someone to explain that one to me. Like drugs or drink allot? Yes. Don't reply. Fuck you. Like pro minded people with experience? This just may be for you. So, wait, you don't need to find Robin Zander anymore?
  • Location: Metro
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




drummer wanted for melodic hard rock


Date: 2012-05-12, 3:41PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

This project is like a mix between avenged sevenfold and papa roach. So it's going to suck. OK, got that. melodic as Hell. I need a drummer who is extremely solid, great double bass, and can bust out some Shit that makes peeps want to move. What? bust out some Shit that makes peeps want to move. Well, I've found my new catch phrase. This project is very commercial so if you would rather lay in the wastelands of underground music instead of mainstream this isn't for you. Wow. That's a first. The mainstream guy talked shit about the underground scene. He totally flipped the script on that one. This is a very serious project with extremely competent musicians. Must have great gear,good attitude,and be able to play to a click track.
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




seeking singing/vocal samples (metro to outer west )


Date: 2012-05-12, 3:37PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Post industrial/ alterative/ synth pop recording project in works seeking vocals, singing, sampled voice.

Compensation...

forwarding music "in to the industry" possibly giging. Not sure..

I would like a reference of what you can do.

Pretty easy going, but seriouse about this project.

meet and greet? why not, send a link, professionals welcome!

I have no music posted. Welcome to phone calls/ meeting.


No creeps, none relgious music.

pending.. I can write you can sing.

Helps to have soul.

Alright, Thank you hear from you soon.

I can't be sure, but I think he was trying to post that in sonnet form.




  • Location: metro to outer west
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



I so want this next one to be serious. I mean just completely dead serious. If anybody tells me this was actually a joke, I'll - OK, so I'll probably do nothing but, for real, don't ruin this for me.

Looking for investor to put out my band's record (Minneapolis, MN)


Date: 2012-05-12, 1:39PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for rich person with surplus money lying around that wants to give it to me and my band to put out our album.
In the ballpark of $2,000.
Serious inquiries only please.
  • Location: Minneapolis, MN
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




Lead Guitarist on a mission for the Lord (worldwide)

Sadly, this is not a Blues Brothers reference.

Date: 2012-05-12, 11:37AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am casting my net on the left side of the boat. Is that a thing? The left side... net... thing? Does anybody here get that reference? I'm a fisher of men for Jesus Christ. OK. I'm seeking what it is that he want's me to do next. Uh... Ive tried to do this my way. and their could be some level of success. but i not trying to teach musicians, how to play, and for that, play for my own self glory. Hold on hold on hold on... rewind the tape. but i not trying to teach musicians, how to play, and for that, play for my own self glory. You're not about to start speaking in tongues, are you? This is a gift that has been given to me, and I'm not so into the tradition or the ceremonies. I play a wide varity of styles as the spirit moves, and have all that is needed to take this music far beyond the four walls, of religion. I come to have church where ever he sends me. Alright, guy, you're really starting to creep me out. I play where he sends me bar's, churches of all kinds. I'm here to do his will. OK, the minute he says something like "He speaks through me" or "I am his vessel", I'm getting the fuck out of here. So if your on that mission for Jesus Christ, No. and are ready to risk it all, Risk!? and share your, gifts for the kingdom, Bruv, you are on some serious "end of days" shit and, again, you are creeping me the fuck out. Look me up. xxx, xxx, xxx, - xxxxx, xxxxx, xxxx- xxx, xxx, xxxxx, xxx. by the way You mean there's an addendum? i belong to Christ's Church the one that's not built with man's hands. WWWhhhaaattt??? Peace and May God bless in the name of Jesus.


  • Location: worldwide
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




Seeking Female singers (minneapolis )


Date: 2012-05-12, 9:19AM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm going to go ahead and not anonymize this because, for real, it's a scam wherein someone is going to try to defraud some poor, gullible young women out of a few hundred, maybe thousand dollars a piece.
But worse than that? It looks like some sex-slavery shit.

Seeking Female singers We currently seeking a Female singers for a el-live band. What the fuck is an el-live band? el-live Productions specializes in creating, developing, managing and booking bands to perform overseas specifically for 5-star hotel chains in Asia. RRRiiiggghhhttt...
-Seven piece band looking for Female Singers to perform on a long term basis.
The following are an absolute must:
-between the ages of 20-35 Isn't thirty five a little old for sex slaves? Because I've seen Taken, and all those gals in the sex slave scenes were, pfft, like early twenties, tops.
-ability to keep a steady beat (you would be surprised how many drummers cannot do this) OK?
-We are hiring top-notch female singers So, then what are you bringing up drummers for?
-have your own quality gear and know how to use it (i.e. know how to tune and maintain your set) What is with you and these fucking drummers?
-don't plan on moving within the next few years ← That part. That part right there. That is the single creepiest thing - previous ad taken into account - I have ever read in a musician wanted ad just based on the context of it.
-have a reasonably open availability (will talk about this in greater detail later) -have stage presence


If you are interested please send your profile to ellivegroove@gmail.com Any takers? You know, it might be fun to fuck with these people. Or dangerous. It could go either way.
Thank you


























































n of sand is highly variable, depending on the local rock sources and conditions, but the most common constituent of sand in inland continental settings and non-tropical coastal settings

  • Location: minneapolis
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Alright, this next one sounds cool and I throw my support behind it. So if anybody ever reads these ads for when I post something positive or cool, this is that moment. Sign up for this.

attn: NEW Artist we need a couple bands or artist Sat June 2nd (Victory Nghborhood North Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-05-11, 2:09PM CDT
Reply to: rvrrafter@msn.com [Errors when replying to ads?]

This is our third year of having music at the Victory Garage Sales.

We get permits and block the street off.....We also have a art sale during the event along with lots of food which makes for a VERY busy corner.

We are looking for any bands that would be ok during a casual day event.

We do not have any money to pay te bands but tip jars are great to have plus other have liked the event just to go thru the motions before they get serious.

Any age is fine we also have had high school bands and turned out great.

Please send me any info or questions( rvrrafter@msn.com ) and feel free to post at music school or pass on to any friends you think might be interested...Thanks
  • Location: Victory Nghborhood North Minneapolis
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PostingID: 3005089243




band looking for guitar/backing vocals (minneapolis)


Date: 2012-05-11, 1:32AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

hi, Hello. we are a band interested in adding someone who can play guitar and sing backing vocals [clears throat] I believe I can help you with that.

it will be necessary for you to be able to do these things simultaneously Duh.

we do tour, so that is something you should want to do Let's see... I hate my job... I need a vacation... I haven't traveled in over a year... I hate my job... so, yes.

we are very messy Does anybody here know how to make a question mark look skeptical? I mean ? just looks quizzical. I need something more skeptical. and experimental onstage but very polite and professional and nice otherwise, you also need to be those things. I can be. we care more about whether or not you are nice and whether or not we get along with you than about what kind of rig you have or how pro you are Now, you see, that's how you find bandmates. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand times more: Bandmates are your friends, not your coworkers.

honestly we would prefer you to be a girl I knew it was too good to be true. because girl backing vocals are better than boy backing vocals Sound logic, that. and my friends say it's good for van culture to have girls around Possible responses include:
  1. Is it a rape van?
  2. Your friends sound rapey.
  3. None of your friends said that.
  4. No, just because she's a girl does not mean she's doing the band's laundry.
  5. Yeah, I know where you're going with this: You're in the van, alone, together, for hours on end... She's a captive audience and eventually she's going to get horny and fuck you because you're the only fuckable thing in sight. Is that why a woman is good for "van culture"? Is that it, Desperate McVirginstein?
  6. And people wonder why I distrust men who try to enlist female musicians...
You pick.
but we are committed to gender equality so we will graciously consider any suitable applicants I don't know anymore. Wow me.

it is important that you definitely think joy division are great, OK, I'm wowed and I'm back in. and it is okay if you like the cure, but you cannot like the cure too much And I'm back out. Don't tell me how much I can like something. Especially not the Cure. Asshole.

another thing we like is the REM album "up" Never heard it. I had Green on cassette once. Picked it up from the Salvation Army for a dollar or something. And then I think I traded it in at Mad Hatter when I was hard up for cash. Other than that? Never heard an entire REM record.

you absolutely need to have been to at least one concert in your life where only brutal noise and/or drone was played, no chords or melodies, ? and you need to have sincerely enjoyed yourself. Yeah, I'm definitely out. In case we hadn't established that. not that we do that, we're just not going to get along with you at all if you don't see the appeal of that. Well, I can't see the appeal of your whole van-lady thing (because I don't have the mindset of a fourteen year old nor am I virgin) so, yeah, no, we're not going to get along. But, hey, you had me going for a while there. I'll give you that.

also you definitely cannot be one of those people that sends around youtubes of white people covering beyonce and rihanna songs on acoustic instruments with a note that says "this is great! totally improves upon the original! great musicianship!" Yeah, sorry. Too little, too late.

refer to the email address above if you are interested or have further questions
  • Location: minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



And this next one proves that you don't have to be overly verbose to post a bad ad.

bass?


Date: 2012-05-09, 6:00PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

How well do you know your bass? Country, top forties, classic rock, and etc. catch your fancy? Is professional enough to practice on your own and still make a weekly practice prepared, because you'd like to be ready for our 2-4 gigs a month? Wanna know more?
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




Looking for female drummer and female bass player (Minneapolis)

Wait for it...

Date: 2012-05-08, 8:47PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org
Wait for it...

I am a lead vocalist that also plays guitar, I am looking to form a all women's band. Wait for it... I have a name for myself and play solo around the cities. Wait for it... Gigs are not hard to get what is finding the right people to work together. Wait for it... I am only available on Mon - Thursday nights to practice. Wait for it... I have another back up singer involved. Wait for it... I have worked with men and there is always issues.
I am looking for women musicians only.
If you are interested in forming a band please respond with some information about yourself.
Thanks
  • Location: Minneapolis
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

08 May, 2012

You know how sometimes we post a video and we don't add any context to it?

This is one of those times. Why? Because what else can be said about this? It's a semi-alphabetical listing of black actors with speaking roles on Friends.

07 May, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

I do not have a snarky intro this week.

Musicians wanted, guitar player, drummer, bassist. (Cambridge)


Date: 2012-05-07, 12:16AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Im looking to start a new band up I have experience with live shows and that stuff I mainly sing so in looking for the other fill in the blanks Ooh! Ooh! I have an idea! How about you fill in the blanks with some punctuation marks? I play 80s hard rock glam and stuff like kiss, Metallica, motley Crüe acdc You mean to tell me that you put in the effort to put the umlaut in Crüe but you can't be arsed to put the slash in AC/DC? and those types and info write my own stuff so I'm looking for a creative guitarist who can write licks and stuff, I'm 17 any one from age 15 to 22 I'll take I love music and I have all the equipment we need amps drums and everything else Are you sure your dad won't get mad at us for using his stuff? please email me so we can get cracking and start booking some shows.
  • Location: Cambridge
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Cheap Trick, Beatles, Lover Boy ????????????????????????? (Metro)

Did he seriously put fucking Lover Boy in with the Beatles and Cheap Trick?

Date: 2012-05-06, 12:59PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

This is for guys entering their 40 +. I play in a band but wondering why am I doing what I am doing. Oh, shit. You're about to buy a Corvette, aren't you? If your in a band, great, means you got experience. Looking for Bun E. Carlos, Tom Peterson and his 8/12 string solid style, and guitarist/lead singer Robin Zandler. Zandler? Are you sure you're a fan of Cheap Trick? Because I own - hold on, let me count - zero Cheap Trick records and even I know it's Zander, not Zandler. Cheap Trick/Rocking Beatles Trib band. I don't know about the Lover Boy stuff. Mon frere, I don't think anybody knows about the Lover Boy stuff. Stay in your band your in now. But if you wanna start something awesome, hit me up. Man, it's one on a Sunday afternoon, you're allowed to be drunk but, Jesus, you are fucking blotto.

Reply to this post by Craigslist email
Thanks
  • Location: Metro
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Professional Djent/Metalcore guitarist needed to play. (Rochester, MN)


Date: 2012-05-06, 12:23PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for a guitarist to complete our line-up. Hello.
The setlist is finished, The set list is finished? What do you mean? Like you just finished writing it and you're about to go on stage? along with our shirt designs. Oh, I get it: This is where you force me to make the same point I always make about how you shouldn't be working on shit like your t-shirts until after you have a whole band, right? Is that where you're going with this? We leave to Madison to record in a month. Yep. Going into the studio without a whole band. I had a feeling I was going to have to make that point.
We have album art/logos being made Is your logo being made something we need to know about? in the next week, and we just need a guitarist To come along with a time machine and join the band before you started working on some peripheral shit? to join to finish photos and start playing shows.
Please professional inquiries only.
This is a business, not a hobby.

This is the only recording I'm able to hand out right now. Because you don't have a guitarist.
I apologize for it being midi. haha. Did that - did... Was that something that necessitated a laugh? I don't get it. But if you're interested, just hit me up.

xxx-xxx-xxxx
Name's Xxxxx.


Would you believe I almost forgot to change this link?
  • Location: Rochester, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


Have you ever wondered just what it takes to write a review? Now, me, I'm no expert on this matter but I'll go ahead and just assume that I'm right about everything and you can all agree with me. So, if I were to guess what separates a good review from a shitty one, I would say that the good review is written by somebody who is familiar with the genre, format, presentation, blah blah blah that they're reviewing, not just in terms of the sounds and styles associated with a particular genre but the culture behind it and the communities born from it. (Ex. Punk rock and the DIY culture regarding recording, touring, artwork, all of that.)
I would also venture a guess that this author would have a knowledge, perhaps bordering on encyclopedic, of maybe the past twenty or thirty years of popular culture that exists outside their specialized knowledge - I grew up on punk and metal but I'm aware of things like, say, Madonna's film career, the works of Jean-Luc Godard, who Peter Parker's first girlfriend was, the collaboration between Sinatra and Jobim, etc. - and maybe a cursory knowledge of popular culture fifty years or longer ago. This is what the author would use to compare and contrast contemporary trends and see where a precedent might have established, maybe even evaluate if a recurrence in a particular trend is a passing fad or here to stay.
And I would also assume that our hypothetical author of the "good" review would understand basic tenets of the English language. Maybe even understand things on a tenth grade level like what a semicolon (this guy → ;) is used for or that an ellipsis has three periods. I would assume that this person would have a broad vocabulary, not all-encompassing, but just enough to know what words like "abscond", "assuage", and "sundry" mean. They would note that I had just used an Oxford comma. They would proofread to correct those inevitable times - they happen to us all at some point - when the wrong "there" or "your" or "it's" is used. They color their language with the occasional bit of nonsense to establish nuance, like taking Peter Gabriel's name in vane instead of whichever deity's in popular usage in their culture or say "chicken nugget" instead of "motherfucker" because they've already said "motherfucker" three times so far and it's starting to feel old. And they also try to establish a flow in their writing, the old beginning, middle, end bit we all learned about in first grade. They open with the subject, they follow through with a body of supporting arguments, and they close with a reiteration of the subject and a resolution. Once they've mastered this, they begin to tinker with the format. Spelling correctly is a given.
So, in short, somebody who knows what they're talking about and how to talk about it.
Which is not this next person.

WESTSIDE BAND REVIEW


Date: 2012-05-04, 12:29PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Right off the bat since i moved here reviewing talent i put westside band on my top ten list. OK, so perhaps you will tell us a bit about them and the kind of music they play.
The band, Who you may want to tell us about. the music, Which, certainly, you're going to describe in a minute. the sound, the lighting, the crew are a synchronized alliance. A what?
They dress well no bad stage habbits Don't you just hate it when there's a bad hobbit on stage? and a great vivacios crowd responce.
They started on time ended on time Ended on time? What, no encore? short breaks great job westside band.
the party dont stop. Too bad I have no idea what kind of party this is.

Assessment:great band, a good night out to dance with a date.!!!

The review gal


  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

City knights band review


Date: 2012-05-02, 9:59AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

City knights band review,
Feed back from pa all night long, the suck knob was at full.i realy liked the drummer
lighting was rotten not even flashing to the music they were playing. The lights weren't flashing? The lights weren't flashing? Dear god in heaven why have you forsaken us?
Old rock outdated boring geared to a older crowd.The band was ok for the most part I THINK THE DRUMMER WAS GOOD LOOKING!!!! Quadruple exclamation points? Slow down before you cum. THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS GOOD LOOKING ILL ADD, but were chewing gum when they were playing. Oh no. Drinking on stage during the show. With gum in their mouths? The hell you say. Sloppy dressed looked like bums. Front man can't sing very well off key on most tunes, may have been drunk along with the rest of the band. Way to pass judgment, lady. Long breaks out to parking lot. Started late ended early. Some coments to the crowd were unnecessary.
Assessment: I think I will not be going to see them any time soon. Yeah, I Googled them. You're reviewing a cover band.
Dolt.


The review gal!



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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And cue the impotent backlash!

RE: Review Gal (Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-05-02, 3:09PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey, why don't you get a guitar and get up there and give it a whirl. Or even put your own band together. IF you are so talented and know so much about how to do this thing, then it should be easy for you. She wrote two reviews and one of them was negative and about a cover band, guy. Calm down.
  • Location: Minneapolis
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



Kids piano and guitar instructor wanted (Eagan)


Date: 2012-05-03, 3:00PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi, Hello.

I'm looking for a piano and guitar instructors for my 3 year old girl What? and for my 4 year old boy. What? Why? You're not going to put these kids in pageants or something, are you?
I would love someone who is very patient. I'm out. But not because I loathe kids. I hate stage mothers even more.

Note: Piano lessons for my boy and guitar lessons for my girl. Lady, you need to take a Klonopin and chill the fuck out. Your kids are still in preschool. They're tiny. I mean, piano lessons for a four year old? Jesus wept, I'm a grown goddamned man, with grown goddamned man hands and I still cramp up when attempting some piano chords. Start the kids on ukuleles or something, damn.

Please, email me your hourly rate if you are interested.

Thanks
  • Location: Eagan
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PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


This one I like just because I can't tell if it's a joke and I want it to be serious.

Wanna start a Beethoven tribute band (long ago)


Date: 2012-05-01, 8:08PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I conduct, so I will need 8 violins, 6 viola players, 6 cellos, 8 contra basses, 2 oboes, 4 flutes, 3 trumpets, 3 french horns, 1 contra-basoon, 4 clarinets, 1 trombone, 1 bass trombone, kettle drums, snare drums, assorted percussion, Must be able to read music. Have space in my basement for practice. Hit me up!
  • Location: long ago
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


And the winner of our "Somebody Let Grandpa In From the Garage" award is...

Rolling Stones Guitar Player Needed (Twin Cities Metro)


Date: 2012-05-01, 8:29AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxx@gmail.com

My name is Xxxx Xxxxxxx and my phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. And that's another thing, There was a first thing? Craigslist doesn't care if you include your phone number in these ads. OK, so wait, that was a thing? That needed to be addressed? Uh... Get a hold of me if you think you have what it takes and you want to cover the Stones.
  • Location: Twin Cities Metro
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx
 
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