16 April, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Joe4 and Nonagon, your reviews are coming, I swear. It's just that the past two weeks have been the opening of the travel season and our new seasonal staffer bailed on us and we had to find a new one and... One of these days I'll have my own rock band and I'll no longer have to worry about the things middle management has to worry about.

seeking female guitarist (msp)

Date: 2012-04-15, 9:11PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hello, kiddies. Here's a truth: Lay it on me. Women perceive, process and play music differently than men do. Oh, I can tell we're in for an insightful one here.

And I like how that works.

Accordingly, I'm seeking a Date for the prom? Too late, bro. I already asked your cousin. smoking female guitarist for a new project. (Feel free to apply the adjective 'smoking' to any concept you like. Yeah, guy, because we can't tell you're going for a double entendre, there. So, you know, thanks for making it even more obvious.) Psychedelic turbo-pop folk-rock and no: I don't know what that means, either. Alternately, instead of being cutesy, you could just say "rock band". But I need a woman who can play.

(Just to be clear, I am not looking for a girlfriend or sexual partner. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh, it's funny because he's lying. Sucks to have to say that, Oh, come on, boo. Don't be so hard on yourself. We've all, at at least one point, lied to get the pussy. but it is not always obvious and I'm afraid some of my less-clever colleagues may have left one or two or all of you with the feeling that you can only safely be in a band with other women. On behalf of the y chromosome, This man does not speak for me. I apologize. It won't be an issue here. At least until the awkward, sitcom-esque moment where you "get caught with your pants around your ankles" in the practice space under the lame ruse of how your pen exploded or you spilled chili or some equally inane bullshit like that.)

So. Women guitarists: If you're looking for an interesting, highly creative, probably well-paid gig; OK, that sounds like you're trying to put together an escort service. if you have ability, energy, time, pro gear and the various necessary resources; if you have the gonads to play live, write and work with a thoroughly intense and possibly anarchic freak; RRRiiiggghhhttt... if you wanna fucking rock . . . hit me up.

I should also probably point out we're a pretty diverse group, by design. If you have issues with sick humor, if you are ageist or homophobic or racist, if you have control-freak tendencies, if you hate on the herbs . . . Alternately, you could've gone with the short version and said "republican". you will not easily fit in. Not saying you'll be automatically excluded -- that would be fantastically stupid and also on the self-defeating side -- but it might be hard for you to work with us. Caveat emptor, okay?

[Bonus points for being genetically-engineered, Stop. Asian, Stop. a weapons specialist Stop. or fictional. Well, now I can't do anything to help you, can I? But not, strictly speaking, necessary.]

Yes, I know this post might not seem much like a real offer. It doesn't. But it is. Your assurance means nothing.

image 0
image 0

image 1

image 2

image 3

  • Location: msp
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the winner of our "Posts Like That Crippled Kid from Malcolm in the Middle Talks" award is...

Serious Screamer/singer (Near)

Date: 2012-04-15, 3:45PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am a young man... Who has followed music my entire life... Now its time to live my passion. I can scream with the best of em... Willing to come try out.. Or form a band of my own.. I have strong believes we can talk about... Also my influences range form meshugguah all the way to misery signals ...Also enjoy beloved, a day to remember... Stuff like that.. If you have skills or want to test mine send me an email!
Looking for a Metal/hardcore/post hardcore...... Something along those lines!
  • Location: Near
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Metal Guitarist and singer (Coon Rapids)

Date: 2012-04-14, 10:26PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

And this ad goes from reasonable to abysmal in t-minus 10...We need an ambitious guitar player willing to take time to write original crusty thrash songs. 9... We cover Sepulturas Refuse/Resist so you have to be able to keep up with that. 8... You don't have to be the best, you just have to be motivated. 7... If you can yell and play at the same time it would be a plus. 6... If you only sing we are still interested. 5... Must have good sense of humor. 4... It would help if you were familiar with some of the following; Sodom, Excruciating Terror, Nailbomb, Slayer, Anal Cunt, Sorry, I just like it whenever Anal Cunt gets a mention on Craigslist. It really is the only place on Earth where you can find a box of forty VHS cassettes, a used futon, semi-reputable lawn care, and a reference to Anal Cunt. Disrupt, S.O.D. 3... Singer should sound pissed off and can be any type of person. 2... Age, race, gender, sexuality, and planet of origin are not a problem. 1... Go! No vampires please, zombies and robots welcome. Robot vampires are ok. Zombie vampires go fuck yourself.
  • Location: Coon Rapids
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Minneapolis post rock band Oblivion seeks drummer (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-04-14, 11:57AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hello Craigslisters! Hello.

Oblivion is looking for a permanent drummer that is dedicated and not a complete asshole. That's what we all want, darling.
Uh... I guess that reference would make more sense if it were from a movie more people actually knew and not some nineteen forties black and white number that I saw on TV one afternoon when I was sixteen and can't remember the title of, so let's just pretend I didn't make that reference or this awkward explanation.
Our sound has been described as a punk rock Tool So, and Brendan can correct me here, you mean No Means No? meets a psychedelic Nirvana. Oh, now you're just talking bullshit. Naturally, we are looking for a drummer that sounds like Danny Carey and Dave Grohl bro-cuddling. Hard hitting and animal like, but also be able to tone it down for gentle but articulate grooves. We enjoy dynamics, and go for blistering wall of sound riffing to a gentle, blissful ambiance. With a drummer we are a three piece, giving you more than enough room sonically to be rhythmically free and expressive. So, great, you've found the longest possible way to say you do the whole Pixies loud-quiet-loud thing. Good for you. We do play in odd time signatures, Easy there, Soundgarden. but it rather elementary and far from technical metal, or any kind of metal. SSSooo... ball-less?

We practice and write as much as possible and we play out as often as we can. We have toured before, miss it, and want to do more in the future.

We have a practice space in Minneapolis.

Our other influences include: Oh, this is going to be illuminating. Russian Circles, These Arms Are Snakes, Warpaint, Tori Amos, Enya, Calling bullshit right there. Nobody listens to Enya. Not even fucking Yanni listens to Enya. TAD, John Denver, Young Widows, David Lynch movies, Not a band. George Carlin, Not a band. Helms Alee, ISIS, Black Sabbath, Butthole Surfers, Placebo, Warren Zevon, and Kenny Loggins when viewed with a punk rock lens. Kenny Loggins when... Kenny Lo- We're talking about the same Kenny Loggins, right? Motherfucking "Danger Zone" Kenny Loggins? And you view him through... at times, occasionally, through a "punk rock lens"? How does that work?

For reference, we have over sixty live videos at youtube.com/xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My apologies if this post was long winded and wordy.

We hope to hear from you,
Xxxx and Xxxxxx.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK OK OK OK OK. Everybody watch very carefully these next two ads. Stick with them the whole way through.

X. Xxxxx, have gigs, need players (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-04-13, 5:25PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

My name is X. Xxxxx Xxxxx.

I am the ugliest bassist in the Midwest.

You may have seen me with my other group, For anonymity's sake, we're going to call them: Band X or one of the previous groups I've played with (Faces & Radio, More Than Kind, etc) or artists
I've backed (Cadillac Dave, CeCe Winans, Buddy Guy).

I've started a side project (X. Xxxxx Xxxxx & Who we will call: Band Y) with a drummer and a couple horns, I'm looking to close the loop. Don't have any chordal instruments.

I've got a couple shows booked, but need a guitarist, keyboardist or both. OK, so everybody's keeping score at home, right?

It's the joke that never gets old!
X. Xxxxx Xxxxx plays bass in Band X and Band Y. Band Y has a drummer but no guitarist. Perhaps Band X has a guitarist.

Sooner you contact, sooner we can get together, sooner we can get on stage.

Since we've literally just started don't have any band examples, but I've included some tracks of me riffing.

But I've gotten rid of those links.
  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Again, stick with me, now.

Band X Seeks Drummer ASAP (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-04-10, 8:35AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Band X X. Xxxxx Xxxxx's other band, remember. seeks 21+ drummer with gear and transportation ready to hit the ground running. We have an EP (which you can listen to here Yes, I changed that link.), a regularly maintained website w/blog, solid marketing and performance strategy, and local/regional contacts. You know, like your bassist, X. Xxxxx Xxxxx, the guy who's also in Band Y, with a drummer. Recent past gigs include: 7th Street, Fine Line, Hell's Kitchen, Acadia, Pizza Luce (Duluth), The Acoustic (Winona), Abbey Pub (Chicago), Red Line (Chicago), KARE 11 Today Show, WCCO weekend show, Live from Studio 5 on KFAI and many others. We rehearse 1-2 times/week, gig 2-3 times/month.

Serious inquiries only.
No mercenaries ? or sessionists.
We're looking to add a member, You mean like the one in your bassist's other band? not hire a sideman.
Attitude trumps ability in our book. In other words, you don't need to be Keith Moon, John Bonham, Ginger Baker or Buddy Rich, just be The guy from Band Y. decent.

Additionally, please note, we play for the love of playing. Not looking to become rockstars or sell millions (actually, we don't charge for our recorded music at all...it's exploitative to fans). No, you just get to brag about your philanthropy to your fans, thereby still exploiting them as they are now unwitting pawns in your self promotion game. Way to be. Some shows pay, some don't. So what. For us, it's about building a great sound to deliver great shows at great venues to great audiences. We've got a rehearsal space with a house kit. Bring your cymbals and snare, and lets see what vibes. Seriously, am I the only person seeing it? This band has a drummer, that band needs a drummer. That band has a guitarist, this band needs a guitarist. They share the same bassist. How is this not happening?

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxx - Seeking Lead Guitar, Bass, and Drums (Lakeville, MN)

Date: 2012-04-13, 4:11AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I am not bullshitting you. I went to college with this guy. And it wasn't like we just kind of saw each other around, either. We were in the same study groups and shit.

The Band Quest Has Begun!

My name is Xxxxx, I'm 25 years old, Really? I always figured you were older. and I am Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxx--an original eclectic rock one-man-band with A shitty name. I'm sorry I never told you but I also didn't think you were serious. influences ranging from heavy metal to pop music. I take my favorite parts from each genre and smash them together to create something I enjoy playing. My wild imagination He does have that. It's actually one of his more charming characteristics. and strong passion He's got that, too. for entertaining are a deadly combination, and now, after several years of planning, I know, man. What the fuck? I'm ready to take the whole experience to the stage!
I'm seeking a lead guitarist, Which you are already. a bassist, Which you are already. and a drummer Which you are already. Seriously, this fucking guy smokes. who are ready to pour blood, sweat, and tears into a project with potential. I need some rockers who want to take the next step from being a local bar band to international stardom. If you're tired of hearing "what's your backup plan?", you might be the right person for the job!
The most important thing you should know is that Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxx is a Terrible fucking band name. business, Oh, Jesus, no. You really paid attention during business class? Shit, I did nothing but draw naked girly pics in my notebook and I still graduated cum laude, man. and most new businesses don't see profit for several months to several years. Oh, fuck. You really did pay attention during business class. Goddamn, man, they got to you. You have to start small and build your way up to the top. Christ, man. I don't know what the fuck to say. While this may seem like a start-up project, however, it's not It really isn't, man. Only Guided By Voices have more songs than this kid. --I have somewhere around 4 hours worth of finished original material, He aint fucking around. When he tells you it's finished, he means he's waiting for it to come back from mastering so he can send it to the pressing plant. a name, Well, the name sucks, we've been over that. logos, And the logo sucks, too. I mean, granted, there's no typeface in the world that can make your bandname cooler but the one you picked? Why not just use Comic Sans? and a website. I've already planned the first 3 albums, the next 2 internet-exclusive demos, and I'm currently brainstorming the concepts for albums 4 and 5. I have everything a band needs except shows, merch, and musicians, and that's where YOU come in! Me? Me, I'm staying the fuck out of it. Because, honestly... I think your music sucks, too.
I'm looking for candidates that meet ALL of the following requirements:
  • In your 20s (20--29) See? I'm already out.
  • No drugs or substance abuse (including alcohol) Oh, damn am I out!
  • Have your own equipment
  • Have a reliable vehicle/transportation
  • Have a job/steady income
  • Understand basic to intermediate music theory We had that class together, too.
  • Open to ALL genres of music No, actually.
  • Willing to play live solos and cover songs No and no.
  • Can learn new songs on your own time
  • Flexible schedule that can be adjusted for heavy gigging
  • Can assist with business decisions, booking, web presence, video filming/editing, recording, marketing, design, etc. . .
  • Be personable, and willing to talk to strangers (i.e., fans) Man, I don't even like talking to my family and now you expect me to talk to strangers?

    Chill out, Mom, it was a joke.
  • Have the drive and determination to succeed!
For more information about why I think Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxx can rise above the rest, check out www.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com, and use the contact form to get ahold of me. Also, be sure to do your research! By this, he means he wants you to go to sites with various "like" and "follow" and "friend" buttons you can click so he can plump up his stats. Watch. Check out Xxxxxxxx Xxxxxxx on MySpace, MySpace? Dude, 2004 called. It wants to know if it's cool again. Facebook, Reverb Nation, Reverbnation: For when you want more spam than what Monster.com sends out. and YouTube! So, basically every website ever.
Thank you for your interest, and good luck!

  • Location: Lakeville, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Anyone like grunge? (South of the River)

[pricks up ears and yawns, stretches, and sits upright]

Oh, I forgot, that joke only works if you imagine that I am sleeping cartoon hound dog and the sound of the word "grunge" has woke me up.
What do you want? Not every week can be gold.

Date: 2012-04-11, 10:55PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I want to put together a fun 90's YYYeeesss??? cover/tribute I'm out. project focusing primarily on rock from the "grunge" scene. You know, Alice in Chains, Weren't grunge. STP, Weren't grunge. Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Weren't grunge. Screaming Trees, The Melvin's, OK, 1) it's Melvins. No "the", no apostrophe. 2) Whether Melvins were grunge is debatable. Mudhoney, Pearl Jam Extremely debatable. and of course, He's going to say it... Nirvana They all say it. or any combination thereof... You know, the good stuff!

I have sang lead in cover, original, and even an Alice in Chains tribute band Cover band. Say it. You were in an Alice in Chains cover band. How is it a "tribute" to a band to play their songs to make you money? So, you see? I've put the whole matter to rest and you can stop talking bullshit. for 15 years. WOW! Holy shit. You mean you pretended to be Layne Staley for fifteen fucking years? Jesus Christ! Let me ask you something: What does it - you know, because I'll never know this, which is why I'm asking and I'm genuinely curious, but what does it feel like to throw away your entire creative life? I am 37, And you're telling me that you started that shit when you were old enough to know better? Goddamn! fun, and have the look and voice for the job! You can hear my original band from a few years back at:

MySpace.com/xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx What the fuck? Is it "retro" to have a MySpace account now? There's eight goddamned people on Google+ and only three have added me to their circles and now I have to go reopen my old MySpace account? Shit.

I have kind of done it all with music Dude, you spent a decade and a half pretending to be somebody else for money. That's nowhere near "done it all" no matter how many "kind of"s you put in front of it. so I am not a beginner, but now have a wife, a great job, baby on the way, and a mortgage! Then guess what, nigga! Time to put the whole rock star thing on the back burner for five fucking minutes and take care of your goddamned family! But I want to play some great 90's rock, do some shows, maybe write and record a few originals, and just have a good time playing some great tunes. Should have thought of that before you fucked your old lady after she went off the birth control, hombre. Maybe end up making a little money out of it eventually, but that is not my main goal. Yeah, your main goal. The one that really ought to be paying the damned bills. How am I younger than you, without wife, child, or mortgage, and know before you do that it's time to put the lycra pants in the back of the closet and start spending time at home at night when you're going to take turns with your wife tending to the baby? How do I get that and you don't? Because let me tell you, motherfucker (because I'm an expert all of a sudden), if you want to get rid of your wife and house, the surest way is to go out all night carousing with the boys only to come back at three or four in the morning dressed like a fucking flannel nightmare and reeking of alcohol and bar bathroom while your old lady's been at home, alone, all night with a baby that won't shut the fuck up. I bet you'll get away with that shit all of three times before the divorce papers come in. Then look at what pretending it's twenty years ago will get you. This is the style of music i keep coming back to so why not do a whole project around it?! Nothing too serious, but want serious musicians who are pro and reliable to rehearse once a week one the ball gets rolling.

I'm open to ideas, How about the idea of taking care of your fucking kid? and am not closed off to throwing other genres in there or newer rock. The point is I can sing it all, and do it well! I will have a great practice pad in Lakeville when my new house is done being built May 18, but we can still get a lot done until then!

I might have an awesome guitarist on board, but most likely need another guitar, bass, drums. I have hookups for places to play down here too...

Who's in?

Thanks for looking,

  • Location: South of the River
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

No comments:

Post a Comment

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.