26 March, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Hot barbecue, do we ha- What? Oh, no, you see, I'm trying to start a new trend. You see, instead of saying "Hot damn!" all the time, I'm going to start saying "Hot barbecue!" Yeah. OK, so anyway, this week we- Why? I don't know. Maybe because it's fun, a little more colorful, not everything has to be so vulgar. You know, you, my little illiterati, could stand to wash some of your mouths out with soap, too, you bunch of cursing fucks.

WOMAN BAND, ARTISTS WANTED (Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-03-25, 11:27PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Do you have up coming shows or are you in the middle of recording an album? Not really. I'm looking to brand name you, not just provide distribution services... Say what?

Brand name is branding who you are into the open market, open market, as in sell you to retail stores as an example. OK, do I go with a joke about he kind of states the obvious or do I go with my lamer joke where I ask, You're going to sell me to a retail store to make an example of me?

Sense I am an independent distribution agent, I can sense it, ancient one. not a label or associate with label. Sense I am an independent distribution agent, I have retail resources. I sense your sources, my master.

Please send me your name, My name is Gladios of the Cosmos. number, I am but one in a family of eternals; for I am nothing and I am all. along with link or music file, Oh, shit are we back to reality now? I was getting into it. and your photo to further discuss

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




Drummer looking to join or form rock band (Mpls)


Date: 2012-03-23, 10:04PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hey! 'sup?
Drummer here, exploring options. You came to the right place. Would like to join or form a band that has similarities to something like Retribution Gospel Choir. Are they a band I should have heard of? [Googles.] Yes but not now, I'm still busy getting into the Wedding Present so I can decide whether I want to go see them at the 400 Bar this Wednesday.* Bombastic, crazy jams with plenty of guitar effects, feedback, freekouts...but with some pop sensibilities, hooks, structure. The perfect balance. Experiment, but keep it within the "rock" realm--guitar, bass, drums. Would like to write, record, play shows. Those are generally things bands do.

I am mid-thirties, male, Aries. Nobody cares about your sign. Full time job and mortgage, but soul of a 20 year old. Is this like the time Greg Preston - yeah, stop me if I've beat this one into the ground - claimed that he'd been told that he had "the soul of a black man"? Or is it different because this guy claims it himself? Probably no world tours in my future, but would like to try to make a mark in my own zip code. Really? Because zip codes aren't that big. I'm pretty sure you just have to get on some sort of neighborhood action committee bullshit thing and help organize a bitching block party. Pretty sure that starting a band usually aims for locales further than your zipcode. Decent drummer, decent gear, place to practice. Live and recording experience. Fully ready to kick ass.

Other influences run from Zeppelin and Sabbath to Rush, to Lifter Puller, I'm pretty sure Scot T. told me to listen to them and then I didn't. So there's a second band I have to Google today. Fuguzi, 12 Rods, Miles Davis, The Pixies, Wilco, shit, lots of different crap. Old school country, zydeco, emo, books about hobbits... You already said Zeppelin. Shit. I know.

The band would need a great singer (if there is a singer) , open minds all around, ability, and drive. It should be a fun and creative outlet, but we should also strive for notoriety. Within our zip code.

Lemme know... Depends. Do you live in the 55404? Because I can't travel any further than that.


  • Location: Mpls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx 

* Yeah, just a heads up to Minneapolis fans of The Wedding Present, they're going to be at the 400 Bar on Wednesday. According to Vita.MN, it's 18+, US$12 and starts at 2030CDT. Jet Age and Pinky Piglets open. You might or might not see me there.

looking to start or join band asap (stillwater/oakdale)


Date: 2012-03-23, 3:49PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

i am a 28 year old guitarist with 12 years of expierence. Just not in spelling. i have a nice amp and some nice guitars. the kind of sound i would be going for is where one song could sound like a deftones song then the very next song could sound like early alice in chains type thing. The more I think of those two sounds, the more I think that they're not all that dissimilar. i am more of a rythym guitarist. High five! it would be nice if you had a practice space and could pick me up.i can pay for gas if needed. i also prefer that you dont drink like a fish FUCK YOU! or use hard drugs. And here's where it gets a little too personal for a musicians' wanted ad... i am in early recovery from alcoholism and opiate (heroin, oxycontin, morphine) addiction. Hot barbecue. hit me up if you are down to jam and see where it goes. there is a pic of my guitars. i have a fender mustang, an ibanez g series i think You think? and an epiphone les paul. Yet pictured are an SG, a Squier "Vintage Modified" Jaguar, and what he thinks may be an Ibanez G series and we'll just have to trust his doped up ass on that because I don't know dick about Ibanez. my amp also has over 100 different kinds of effects including different distortion types. SSSooo... Line 6?

  • Location: stillwater/oakdale
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I want to make original music for YOUR film or cartoon or PSA! (Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-03-22, 9:13PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

I like music, as do many! I like chicken strips, as do many! What are you getting at? And folks round these parts also seem to be into those fast-moving comic books we call movies. Well, golly. Is that what they're callin' movin' pictures these days? I thought we was still callin' 'em talkies. Also popular are the weird virtual realities we create in order to blow stuff up sometimes known as vidgames. When have they ever been referred to as "vidgames"? These-a days, it has become popular to combine the two. Will you get to the fucking point, already? I do love a good film, but more than that I love creating music tailor made to YOUR needs as a filmmaker or videogame maker in today's fast-paced society. In today's fast-pa- Did he just... Did he seriously use the words "today's fast-paced society"? Is he really in that much of a hurry to allow us to discount everything he says?

Yes, truly it is a time honored tradition in my line to create synthesized and/or acoustic music, depending on YOUR needs as an auteur, a profession that my father's father's father's father's father's father before me probably would have had if they had had this kind of technology, drive, and yes, VISION, that YOU have in creating a film or game that I will score according to YOUR needs, yes YOUR needs, o brave artiste of the cinema or gameosphere! No, you read that right. That was one sentence.

Well I bet you are now asking, "Why should I choose THIS fellow to create vast soundscapes that suit [YOUR] game or film perfectly, to the point that simple gestures onscreen move me to tears and/or uncontrollable laughter?" No. I was actually wondering, Does this guy really expect to be taken seriously? Let me tell you, friend, Nobody said anything about us being friends. a choice like this is monumental; perhaps one of the most important you will make in the future of YOUR game or film, YOUR project, YOUR baby! My baby? Since when do I have a baby? Who told you I have a baby? Because the bitch told me she was on birth control. Nah, I aint got no baby. Bring me that fucking baby and I'll give you a pint of blood. You can test my shit. Test the fuck out of it. And then when you find out that baby aint mine, your ass can go write a song for it. I am qualified to handle the immense responsibility of Taking care of that baby? 'Cause I'll go on Maury to prove it aint mine. crafting the finest sonic palette that could be included in YOUR film/game, having been in ensembles of nearly every variety, from modern composition to total noise to country to bossa nova, and far, far, beyond. Oh. I am familiar with musics from across the globe and many modern techniques of musical creation, perfect for any situation that YOU can throw at me. I love a challenge, YOU! Please. Stop. Just go away and don't come back.

I am very easygoing and a mellow sort, perfectly willing to work in partnership with YOUR vision for YOUR moving picturefilm! Jesus fucking Christ, will you drop the schtick!? I get it, we all get it. You want ME, in goddamned caps lock, to hire you to score a movie or videogame. Just fucking say it. Say it once. Just once and get it out of the way. And then, instead of bragging about how great you (probably) are(n't), list some qualifications. Like, I don't know, credits from previous projects, maybe list your education, that kind of shit. Not the whole thing about your father's father's father and the bloodline and the tradition and all the hyperbolic bullshit you're spouting. OK? So shut the fuck up! God! I'm a Libra, Hot barbecue, what's with the fucking Zodiac this week? the scales, I accommodate. Let US make something beautiful, hilarious, cool, wild, scary, WHATEVER!

To hear selections of my work, please visit Yes, I changed this link..


  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Female Bassist w/back up vox wanted (Twin Cities)


Date: 2012-03-22, 4:33PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Original rock band is seeking a female bassist who can do some back up vocals. Our most recent CD was played on about 200 radio stations around the US. OK, and the name of the band is? Our new upcoming release will also be promoted to radio. And the name of the band is?

We are doing a few select shows in the Twin Cities. We do not rehearse a lot. Maybe once prior to a gig. We assume that if you have a CD and charts you can figure it out. Wow. Way to blow up the arrogantometer.

This would be a less-than-part-time commitment. Limited remuneration. We are planning on returning to the Fine Line and Bryant Lake Bowl in the summer.

We don't do covers. Just originals. We have plans, but everyone has plans. Right now, we're just looking at a few live shows to promote the new CD. By the band with no name. We are advertising for a female bassist because we need someone to grab higher harmony parts. Its a voice thing. RRRiiiggghhhttt. It has nothing to do with trying to put some eye candy on stage.

If interested, call Xxxxx at (xxx) xxx-xxxx.

  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK. Everybody? Everybody? Yeah, OK. I'm going to need everybody to leave the room for just a few minutes because I'm fairly certain that this next ad will be to Avid Reader Stacy what water boarding is to Guantanamo prisoners and I imagine there will be plenty of kicking contorting like in one of those scenes where a motherfucker gets possessed by Pazuzu or some shit. It's going to get ugly in here.
I'll call you back in in a minute. Be sure to bring some scotch with you.

punk band (elk river)


Date: 2012-03-21, 3:29PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

so my name is xxxxxx im looking to start a punk band but i need comittied bass, gutair and drum players i have vocals covered i got a studio and i know some people that work for a record lable i want to go BIG so if you interested call or text me xxx-xxx-xxxx i look forward to hearing from some of you

  • Location: elk river
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx
Amazing specimen, wasn't he?

This next one just gets weird.

Itancan tawocekiye kin (homeland)


Date: 2012-03-20, 12:15AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

as for English.
looking for fluent or semi-fluent native speaker for hard-rock / metal band.
If you can even atempt to interpret this let me know.

"for you will go wherever I send you and speak whatever I tell you to. And don't be afraid of the people, for I, the Lord will be with you and see you through." Jer 1:7-8

Nitokiconze kin u kte!
also need a good a.k.a.(Vinnie Paul) drummer.
OK, so everybody was keeping score with that one, right?

On your official SD&A score cards, no doubt.
This guy just combined multiple references to the language of First Peoples with a bible verse and the drummer from Pantera.


  • Location: homeland
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

industrial metal needs keys/synth (minneapolis)

And cue the cheap shot in 8...

Date: 2012-03-19, 5:32PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

7... Currently working on album for release in fall. 6... Have gigs with national touring bands. 5... Must be willing to practice at least twice a week as a whole, and be able to rehearse on your own as well. 4... 75 bucks a month for space rent. 3... throwdown on travel expenses etc.., 2... but we need a synth player to run our loops and samples and perform with us as well. 1... Influences : ministry, marilyn manson, nin, slipknot, sepultura, etc... GO! we have about 21 songs we're working on. And three good ones. this will be epic. send us a sample of your work, or call xxx xxx xxxx. ask for glytch. When you give yourself a stupid nickname, you forfeit your right to anonymity in my book.

  • Location: minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Rhythm section/horns needed (Minneapolis, MN)


Date: 2012-03-19, 12:44PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Rhythm and blues band currently seeks rhythm and horn section for a one-time gig. Familiarity with Stax and Chess catalogs is required. Back-up vocals a major plus. Elite special ops training and ten years service in a combat zone required. ! Experience in maritime counter-espionage preferred. !? Serious replies only.

  • Location: Minneapolis, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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