19 March, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

Man it got up to 81°F this weekend. These practically write themselves. For example, our "What the Fuck Is This Guy On About?" award goes to...

DEAR YOU (Msp)


Date: 2012-03-18, 1:13PM CDT
Reply to: bdfpk-2908867835@comm.craigslist.org

I was going to say: "It's not you; it's me."

But that would be a lie: It's you. What the fuck did I do?

It's your apparently-unending bitterness. Well, yeah, I'll grant you that. It's your obvious inability to express or even feel joy. True. I'm grumpy even when I jack off. It's your kowtowing to dead corporate songwriters, your obsequious and servile cringing around bar owners and frankly it's the all-too-belated realization that you do not possess an ounce of creativity in your whole wretched being. OOOhhh... You're talking about someone else. Carry on.

Mostly, though, it's your learned helplessness. Wallow in it all you like, blame the entire world for your own failures to your heart's content. But I can't be part of that shite, okay? I have art to make and people to fuck with and books to read and even, if I'm lucky, songs to write. And I cannot waste any more time waiting for you to get you head together -- risking my own hard-won sanity in the process.

So maybe it's me after all.

Goodbye.

  • Location: Msp
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Bob Lagato has a drum-machine (N.E Mpls.& metro)

Who the fuck is Bob Lagato?

Date: 2012-03-18, 4:04AM CDT
Reply to: x.xxxx@yahoo.com

and sequenced riffs on synth voices, and he needs a guitarist who can improvise broad chords What?
to fill out vocal arrangements, not for paying gigs, but for open mics or flip-camera videos So, for posterity is what you're saying?
to youtube and I-Tunes, that feature public-domain golden oldies from the pre-1925 Legacy era.
Looking for a guitar that needs a singer, with the Duo being subservient to the SONG. Like,
"Only A Rose" doesn't need a Mario Lanza Who the fuck is Mario Lanza? Tony Danza's cousin?
...
OK, A) yes, that joke sucked and B), I just Googled Mario Lanza and, no, he is not related to Tony Danza.
or Sinatra, backed by a Symphony Orchestra, It just needs Bob Lagato's drum machine!
just needs to be sung on the World Wide Web.


  • Location: N.E Mpls.& metro
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Bassist/Drummer for Demo (Minneapolis)


Date: 2012-03-17, 6:13PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Looking for a bassist and a drummer to help me record a 4 song demo. Oh, OK. So you need two musicians to show up for a recording session. You need musicians for a session. Your session needs musicians present. Got it...
...
And just to be clear: You have a session at which you will need musicians to attend. You are calling for these musicians to attend specifically this session and, as you do not indicate in this ad that you need musicians outside of this session, these musicians may infer that they are needed only for the session.
I am a 25 yr. old singer/songwriter with a practice space and no band. Influences include The White Stripes, Beck, Nirvana. Respond with a sample of your work. No session musicians please. Tell me you caught that.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And our "Andy Rooney Lifetime Achievement" award goes to...

If you are that good than why the heck are you still in minnesota..


Date: 2012-03-17, 5:55PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

What is up with us musicians anyway? I know, right? This is only for any folks who are interested in the blues, the rest exit now ... Thanks .. OK any of you out there interested in getting together and playing the blues with the possibility of playing publically. I am not thinking of making any big money but like to play.. I am a 50yr old guitar player with over 30yrs ex. Am I the greatest, hell no, thats why I'm here, I just want to play the blues. Also does anyone know how to dial a telephone anymore? "And what's with these kids these days and their new-fangled iMacs? Back in my day, if you had a pocket calculator, you were the bee's knees." If you are interested please give me a call xxx-xxx-xxxx please, I don't want to have an e-mail fest with folks, "I'm not sure I even have 'e-mail'. Doesn't that come with the computer?" a simple phone call and in a matter of a few minutes we can tell if it would work.. Thanks, Xxxx

  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx




I like this guy. He's pissy.

I want to start a band (All the cool clubs and radio stations)


Date: 2012-03-17, 7:57AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Hi,
I want to start a cool indie rock band that appeals to the 20-30 something hipster crowd (the cool kids that go to all the shows). I want us to record and get AirPlay on The Current and Radio K. I want us to have booking agents from clubs like The Hexagon, Honey, Cause, Kitty Kat Club, Memory Lanes, The Amsterdam, The Turf Club, 7th Street Entry, etc, etc ,etc... Tripping over themselves trying to book us. I want local bloggers Hello. "buzzing" about us. I want The City Pages and vita.mn writing feature stories about us. We will play great shows at the cool clubs, with the "in" bands, on the choice nights. SSSoooo... I think it's safe to say that your ambition exceeds your reach but I'll back you up. I don't know why but I will.

Here is what IS ESSENTIAL for success: Tell me, great one.
First of all, at least one of the members of the band has to be, or has to have been in a band that is/was already adored by the local music scene intelligencia. Without that we have no foundation, or even right to start trying to book shows. NEXT, we have to be in-line with some current trend. Maybe a Bon Iver cover band? We also NEED to have some kind of quirky gimmick. I'm thinking it would be cool to have 3 snare drums...or an auto harp. OR we all ride out on stage on our "fixies". Oh, I see what he's doing! He's taking the piss out of the scene by claiming that they're all a bunch of trend-jumping hipsters participating in antics so self-congratulatory that it borders on incestual.
Which is every music scene ever.


Here are things that will get you bonus points:
The right clothes (think skinny jeans!). Wow. A "skinny jeans" joke. Welcome to 2006, guy. A "fixie". Vintage gear. Oh, fuck you. A) Everybody loves vintage gear, it's not a hipster thing. B) I have vintage gear. Guess how many bands I'm in thanks to those "bonus points". Hint: It's the number between one and negative one. Cigarettes and a love of PBR. Yes, that I'm addicted nicotine because Jon Spoores gave me my first cigarette at sixteen and that I drink cheap beer because I am a cheap man makes me a hipster. Jesus wept, man, I want to laugh along with you but you're making it hard when you're casting blanket aspersions on people without acknowledging that sundry elements of a person's taste - not their personality, their taste - have crossover appeal. So you've noticed that hipsters drink Pabst. Wow. So do old guys in bars.
What I'm saying is that in 1995 - 2000, if you were to come through BGOH, you'd probably have made the same derogatory remarks about that scene and used something like clove cigarettes and Natty Light as your truncheons of choice and you probably would've done it without considering that Natty Light is popular with musicians because musicians are broke. They're not trying to be hip, they're trying to get drunk.
Beards ( only if you're a guy--sorry ladies!) OK, fuck you. You think I grow a beard to be "hip"? No, I grow a beard because I'm lazy and razor blades aren't cheap. So, don't want to shave? Don't want to buy razor blades? I can kill two birds with one beard. So fuck you.

Here are some qualifications that you WILL NOT need to join the band:
A lot of originality. A lot of talent on your instruments. A great songwriting ability. Man, you are really fucking angry with Minneapolis, aren't you?

Thanks for checking out my ad. Hope to hear from you soon. Can't wait to start this awesome band!!


  • Location: All the cool clubs and radio stations
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx 


"Not Just Your Ordinary Watering Hole" (Bethel, MN)


Date: 2012-03-16, 6:32AM CDT
Reply to: Xxxxxx@zmbmg.com

If you stop reading any further than this <~~~~~~ Then you'll have made a wise choice. Seriously, try to read this ad. I dare you to try to get all the way to the end and understand all of it. Than your probably not the type of people I am in search of.
I am in search of Humble Hearted, Confident, Realistic, Selfless people that are fueled by extending out there hand to reach out to all the unnoticed aspiring ARTIST this does not specifically mean only music i mean everything from Magicians, Comedians and Musicians and so on..In my Exp in and out of the music industry I keep stumbling across Arrogant, Cocky, Twisted and Selfish people that just screw with peoples heads and steel peoples things and over all make the "It always seems like I am taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back...Let me tell you...... I have been doing this a long time and have come to the conclusion that these people(the good people) are out there the only problem is that because the people majority of the human population is always knocking the minority of the population down with whatever it is they can to make them think that what it is they enjoy is a joke.....I'm not ok with that if this is you then please dont even respond to this......These are my views and opinions, and anything said above are specifically my own and DOES NOT pertain or reflect anything said by any staff member or customer of The Hydrant Bar.....


Anyways now that i got this out.. My name is Xxxxxx Xxxxx Co-Owner and Founder of Overwatch (check out link provided below I am the guitarist with the black guitar) Anyways the whole reason I am publishing this post is For this reason and this reason only GET UP BRING YOUR (non harmfull or dangerous) TALLENTS to This place called The Hydrant Bar for what I like to call simply dubbed Thursday Night Open Mic Night...Hosted by myself (Truley Olson) in which I use to scout tallent for up and coming Special events Metal bands load up ur electrics and cabs and get truckin as the title says Thursday night so beginning on Thursday, April 5th at approximately 8:00P I will get on the stage and play a song and introduce hopefully you...To the crowd and gain their attention and hand off the mic to you and your team/band/mom to Giv i your all, and If I like ya I keep your information and invite you (and your crew) back to an event to have the chance of either earning a lil cash off the side or an opportunity to network and nor or both.... Bring your 21+ friends make it a party play loud music drink beer And have a great time(please dink responsibly) as I dont want to have to ask you to leave and for up and coming Events and Show information you can find The Hydrant on FaceBook Just search for the Hydrant Bar I also welcome sober cabs and for just a little bit of dough The Hydrant will make sure to provide you with proper information for a safe ride home (you dont pay me or the bar for this you pay the driver) this is important...... If you are interested simply reply to this ad or feel free to call me @ xxx-xxx-xxxx again my name is Xxxxxx as in Yours Truly....

Rembember!

Beginning on Thursday, April 5th 2012

You may need to bring gear that shall be included in our first conversation!

Thankyou for reading all this please get ahold of me! p.s. the bottom 2 photos are at The Hydrant Bar "Not Your Ordinary Watering Hole"

There was a link here.


  • Location: Bethel, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
I got rid of the photos for anonymity.
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx



What is my name? (East-side)


Date: 2012-03-14, 11:21PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@comm.craigslist.org

Pantera / Slayer / Megadeth
Shreddn guitarist N fan, lookin 2 find like shredders 2 shred heads off!
with original music.
10 thru 110 Y.O.A.
If you can and are willing, lets go!
You good? Spider-chord and whammy melodies!

Let's go!
Seriously, let's go.



There was a link here.

  • Location: East-side
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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