23 January, 2012

Your weekly musicians' ads.

I'm not going to lie, I feel iffy about this week's batch.

the whole schmear (MSP)

Date: 2012-01-23, 9:33AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hey there. Hello. I need a band. Same here. Perhaps we will speak with each other rationally and decide that we should combine our efforts. I need, in fact, the whole schmear: vox, bass, drums. Violin, cello or another guitarist. Keys if they are brilliantly and originally done. I'm out.

I play guitar, mandolin, piano, didjeridu, bass and studios. OK, A) nobody "plays" the didjeridu; it's a pipe you lip fart into. B) How do you play a studio? Is it like that thing that David Byrne did? I write wickedly well. "Wickedly" enough that you're up to date on contemporary slang... circa 1986. Notice that I did not say that I can sing. Because I cannot. (At least, not enough.)

Yes I've songs, contacts, gear, transportation, drive, time and money to do this. Yes I am a pro. Yes I am an artist. Yes, your matter-of-factness is beginning to come off a little arrogant. No, you do not know how to place commas.

No: If you lack gear, We've been over this. transportation, We've been over this. drive, We've... No, not that one. So, yeah, my ambition has waned since arriving in Minneapolis six years ago. time Scads. and (at least some small amount of) money, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA! Bitch, I am broke! you may as well not reply. I'm not your taxi service, Didn't ask you to be. your payday loan company, So you're under the impression that broke people will join your band so they can borrow twenty bucks until pay day? nor am I much interested in listening to lame excuses like "I called you, was your phone off?" or "Sorry, I've just been so busy lately." Yeah, people have these things called everything else in their lives. They have families, jobs, bills, hangovers, new girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, car problems, sore throats, fevers, dinners, neighbors, pets, and all kinds of other shit that can take up their time, thus resulting in them having been so busy lately. Chill out.

The music? Ahh, yes. Key point, that. Tough to say beforehand, innit? Just tell me what kind of fucking music you want to make. I envision something somewhere between the Velvets, Tom Waits, the Waterboys, the soundtrack to "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" and the first Nick Drake album. But actually, now that I think of it, "between" isn't the right word at all, that would just be a textureless mush. Let us say that I like all of that music and what I write seems to include various elements of each of them (and a few more besides). SSSooo... between them?

Now, it should be pointed out that I am not looking for a backing band to play "my" songs. I want A BAND. A collaboration. Okay, great, if you cannot write you cannot. No prob, I write all the bloody time. But I am looking for partners, team members, equals. If you aren't ready to put in the time and energy then please do not reply. Cool. No hard feelings. But if you want to be in . . . make . . . the most interesting -- and fun! -- band around: Gimme a shout.


  • Location: MSP
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Vocalist looking to focus on heavy metal/doom project

Date: 2012-01-22, 4:09PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hey, Hello. I'm fairly new to the area. It's not too late to change that. If you like heavy metal along the lines of Satan (UK), Brocas Helm, and Angel Witch, or doom along the lines of Saint Vitus, Lord Vicar, and Pentagram, and would like practicing with a dedicated vocalist, let me know. I'm available weekends and weekdays after 3pm if you'd like to grab coffee and listen to records or whatever. I know it's not the world's best joke but, seriously, and you can ask Janis, Carson, or Little John if you don't believe me, but "listening to records" was my move back in summer 2010. We'd be sitting around the patio, I'd strike up a conversation with a lady, ask her if she wanted to go downstairs to my room and listen to some records and that would be all she wrote. So when this guy wants to get together and "listen to some records"? Yeah. It just sounds like a booty call to me.

- Thanks.

  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And, now, SD&A presents a very special episode of "Separated at Birth: Metal Bands in Search of 'Clean' Vocals Edition"...

front man wanted (andover)

Date: 2012-01-22, 11:11AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

we are currently seaking a loud and brutal frontman for an original hard energy band must be able to lift band to new levels we are older and well experienced musician vocal rangs from bands like snot, Seriously? Snot? I don't even remember what they sound like and I'm still pretty sure you should be embarrassed for copping to that in public. hatebreed,droid..... clairity a must we want people to understand our anger!!!!! What's that? clairity a must we want people to understand our anger!!!!! Sorry, one more time? clairity a must we want people to understand our anger!!!!! Then see a shrink. apply within leave name and number and well get back to u

  • Location: andover
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

HEAVY METAL front man needed (Twin Cities)

Date: 2012-01-21, 11:28PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

in search of a Heavy Metal front man. must have great voice, CLEAN VOCALS cant rip off some rob halford screams none of the pig squeal shit though.

must have great attitude and ability to play shows and practice.

If you respond to this ad with the pig squeal type stuff You're really specific about that pig squeal thing, aren't you? Were you raped by hillbillies? or none clean vocals I am not even going to take the time to respond back because you obviously cant read. I want CLEAN VOCALS.

  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Female Voclist for Original Nat Rock/Funk/Soul (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-01-21, 10:14AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

We are a national original band OK, stop already. Just stop. "National original band"? You realize that doesn't mean a goddamned thing. Look, if you're trying to impress people with your grandiose stature, how about you just give us the fucking band name? looking to add a female vocalist to our group. No head games. Seriously, my mind just went straight to the Foreigner Belt. No egos. Just business and a desire to be tight and smoking.

Looking for a background vocalist that can also sing lead on occasion. Play guitar or keys a plus. Write your own songs or have ideas, a plus.

If you're ready to start or restart a career ? send me an email. Let's talk. Nothing good can come of this.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2810823522

Toad the Wet Sprocket Tribute Band (Saint Paul)


Date: 2012-01-17, 8:23PM CST
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am a drummer Right. OK. looking to form a Toad the Wet Sprocket tribute band. Why? Must be commited and I mean, this is really bugging me. Why a Toad the Wet Sprocket cover band? talented enough to pull of the I mean, they could be described as "marginally memorable" at best. harmonies and different instruments needed. I have I mean, why? good gear and tons of live and studio experience. Out of all the bands that have ever existed in the history of ever... you pick... why?

Xxxx (xxx)xxx-xxxx Seriously, why?

  • Location: Saint Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Need 2 female back up singers for pop punk band (Minneapolis)

Date: 2012-01-17, 6:17PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

New up and coming pop punk band is seeking two female back up singers to back up their female vocalist. So, a pop punk band with shoop-shoop girls. Interesting approach to a stagnant genre and I think that I would see this band. Must be able to sing harmonies That should be a given. and be available for a show at the end of march. Rehearsal starts the end of Feb. To audition please send a headshot OK, that's where I'm calling shenanigans. Can we knock this off? You know what I'm talking about: For the past month here, there have been some ads looking for female band members wherein the prospective female would be gauged on her looks. And, believe me, it doesn't make it excusable that the people who were making good-looking a requisite for membership were females themselves. And here's the thing, I can't tell if the female posters are conditioned by western patriarchal society or are simply narcissistic. "We're a band of good looking women and we ask that you be hot, too!" "I'm a female musician and I've got the pro look!" How is it that I - a big ol' penis swingin' around male - feel like I'm witnessing the objectification of women? By women? Is it because I'm a punker? Is that it? Punk, the refuge of all the outcasts, that among many of its tenets reminded us that looks didn't matter, what mattered is whether or not you could play your goddamned instrument. It's like this: James Osterberg is not a handsome man but Iggy Pop is a sexy son of a bitch. Your music - your skill, your talent - makes you sexy. Lest we forget the lesson of Pajamaband. Sure, they're hot but they also sure as hell can't play. As in at all.
It's like this: You want a singer? Ask for the voice. You want a model? Ask for the face.
and an mp3 or video fo you singing. Please email if you have questions Here's my question: Fuck you. or would like to know more information!

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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