12 December, 2011

Your weekly musicians' ads.

OK. So here's what happened:
  1. It snowed.
  2. All the whack jobs went into hibernation.
  3. We had a freeze.
  4. Last week's ads were kind of lame.
  5. We just had a melt. Like a total melt. Like a there-is-way-more-grass-than-snow-right-now melt. Like a this-is-probably-what-California-looks-like-right-now melt. (Little John, were he here, could perhaps verify this claim.)
  6. All those beautiful nutjobs came back out to frolic.
Buckle up and fix a cocktail, my little illiterati; and let me slip into something more comfortable.

New bass player/singer in town (MPLS)

Date: 2011-12-11, 10:54AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hello MPLS St. Paul! Hello.

I am moved in now and looking for a band to join. I sing and play five or four string. I love classic rock, current rock, r and b and funk. I would not be interested in a metal band, though I've had my fun with that!

I would love to joint a working cover band that plays 4-8 gigs a month mostly in town. I feel like I'm worth at LEAST $100 a night.

...now, where's the welcome wagon?
Do you believe the chutzpah on this guy?

  • Location: MPLS
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


Date: 2011-12-10, 8:05PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Looking for an Asian female, no musical or artistic ability required. Wait wait wait. Rewind the tape. Looking for an Asian female, no musical or artistic ability required. OK, is this a for-real thing or is this guy taking the piss? In fact, any such ability would only serve as a hindrance to the overall authenticity of the performance. Must be mousy-voiced and yet have the ability to caterwaul. I can't stress this enough - sheer stridency is of the utmost importance. The ability to appear witchy even while dressing in all white is a plus, as would be an ingratiating clinginess. OK, he's taking the piss, right? The goal is not to perform - the goal is the THREAT of actual performance, which will be mercifully avoided. Somebody tell me that this is nothing more than a cleverly written prank.

Please provide a list of any successful bands you have destroyed, OK, it's got to be a joke, right? Somebody tell me that this is a joke. highest decibel level achieved, and bag size (BAG WILL BE PROVIDED). Wait. Is there something about Yoko Ono's past that involves a bag? What's the iconography behind the bag? Physical attractiveness is frowned upon. OK, that was a low blow and wholly unnecessary.

  • Location: Uptown
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Female Lead Singer Wanted for Indie Rock EP Project (Minneapolis)

Date: 2011-12-10, 2:20PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

I'm currently looking for a female lead vocalist to Make creepy advances toward under the guise of being in a band. work on an industry level indie-grunge rock band EP OK, slow down, junior. One compound adjective at a time. industry level OK. Hate to tell you this, but anything that has to do with "the industry" is "industry level" by virtue of its inclusion in said "industry", so don't go fluffing up your feathers by tacking on a needless descriptor. indie-grunge AAAnnnddd justthrewupinmymouth. rock band EP Got it. (think "The Kills", Think I've heard, can't remember. "IO Echo", Never heard of. and "The White Stripes" Nap time!), dynamic enough to pull off solemn serenades, as well as controlled screaming.

The EP will be completed by an industry producer I'm sorry, what? industry producer What the fuck is an "industry producer"? That's the most fluffed up bullshit word I've read in months. Not only do you take the time to tell us that you're working with a producer, but you try to trump up the importance of this by appending "industry" on the front of it? Not only do you not name him or some acts on his resume or even do the bullshit tactic of just saying he's "worked with many popular artists" (without naming them), you tack "industry" in front of his job description in a clumsy, misguided attempt to pump up your clout to compensate for the fact that you know, deep down, that you're full of shit.
Also, that was the second time you used the word "industry" as an adjective.
in Toronto, Canada, and will serve as product to shop to both major and indie record labels. If you've already paid for it and made it, why don't you put it out yourself? Or were you hoping that that was something that the industry was going to take care of?

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in doing, No. please respond to this ad and I can then show you some of the Industry. material and explain to you a little more about the Industry. project.



  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK, this next one? This next one is for me. I've been doing these fucking things for, shit, five? six? years now. I've subjected myself to scoundrels, perverts, heathens, liars, malcontents, mouth-breathers, pederasts, and general reprobates in this dark, pitch black forest for your amusement, my little illiterati. So this one? This one is for me; I deserve at least one. This one? This is the one that may just restore my faith in humanity. Every last bit of this ad oozes and drips the things that turn me on. I will find this man. I will find him and let him ravage my butthole. I'll even let him pull a little A2M action on me and take the facial like the good-little dirty-little he-whore I am. That is how much I am in love with this beautiful son of a bitch.
I'm not tossing his salad, though.

Vocals - Hardcore punk thrash grunge noise (minneapolis)

Date: 2011-12-05, 5:49PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

I'm a vocalist looking to do something loud. Influence ranges from nirvana ! to black flag ! to slayer. ! I yell scream and spit. 27, plenty of experience, ready to tour...

I don't want to hear your stupid fucking nu metal band. Smack my ass harder, Daddy, and pull my hair. stay in the suburbs. God. God god god. You... I wish I could send you roses.

Send me links if you've got them. I would send you a lock of my hair, were it long enough, my love. I can link you to some old stuff I've done. For if it pleases you, my lord, I would willingly permit you to link me to anything you desire.

  • Location: minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx
You know that relaxed feeling you have for something like four minutes after you get your rocks off? Yeah. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it right now.

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