05 December, 2011

Your weekly musicians' ads.

I tried really hard this week, my little illiterati, oh! how I tried! There were some that were good for only one joke and there were some that were suspicious until further inspection revealed that their requirements / searches were quite reasonable. I mean, it is winter here, now, as evidenced by the three or four inches of snow on the ground, and that means that many of our indigenous nut jobs have gone into hibernation.
These are all that are left. So slim are the pickin's that we begin with a return offender from last week.

Musicians (Mpls St Paul)

Date: 2011-12-04, 1:42PM CST
Reply to: xxxxxxxx@comcast.net

Are you in a band that's looking for some original music? Wait for it... I'm looking for a band that would like to play some of my music. GO! It's good stuff including rock, pop and pity. OK is he making up his own genre or am I that out of the loop that I didn't know pity was a musical genre? I know it's a sexual genre but... Anybody care to clue me in? Working together we could accomplish some good things, who knows what or how much? Four thousand dollars in my pocket, according to your previous ad. Contact me for info. Thanks and good luck to all of us.

  • Location: Mpls St Paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Metal vocalist or Drummer wanted!!!!!! (SAVAGE)


Date: 2011-12-04, 12:38AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Metal band that needs a vocalist. Or, you know, a drummer. Whichever. Someone who can sing and scream or just sing. Ages 16 but we are willing to work with anyone up to 23. Alright alright alright. Is this what's happening now? I bitch a mile and a half back and forth about adults trying to start bands with kids that it's been flipped around on me and now kids are trying to start bands with adults? Fine, whatever. Just level with me, Junior: You just want to start a band with someone who can buy you beer, right? Influences are Slayer, Megadeth, Nirvana, And they follow that ← with this → Slipknot, I've never felt sadder in my life. Overkill, Danzig, Misfits, kiss, Metallica, motorhead iron maiden, Those are two bands. Led Zeppelin, Bullet for my valentine, Anthrax, Black Sabbath. Right now in the studio working on a album. Without a singer (or a drummer). Why? I know you're sixteen so you can be forgiven for minor logistical missteps but this is - this - no. Don't do that. You start a band - all of a band - and then go into the studio. It goes like that; that's the order it goes in: Step 1: Start a band. Step 2: Do things that bands do. You can't reverse that order. We made that a rule on the 7th of November, remember? Everything is paid for and it wouldn't cost you a cent.
You need your own transportation here and ready to practice. Thanks hope to hear from someone

  • Location: SAVAGE
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

I'll explain this one in a minute.

leonard cohen meet radiohead (minneapolis)

Date: 2011-12-03, 5:51AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

a young 22 year old turkish guitarist with an afro looking to play gloomy music that is as melancholic as it is vibrant and colourful. [cough]Pussy![/cough] has lots of pedals. [cough]Remainunimpressed![/cough] here is what i like

young marble giants
nina simone
bert jansch
charles mingus
talk talk
galaxie 500
jeff buckley
spiritualized/spacemen 3
scott walker
the stooges
tom waits
etc. etc.

don't fucking contact me if you don't like the velvet underground. OK, here it is, Junior; it's about time that I explained something to you because, for real, I've been reading this same goddamned ad of yours for a full year now. Every other month, when you'd poke your Mediterraneafro'd head out into the internet and post a list of bands that read like selections from the "Bands to Talk About with Hipsters at Parties" primer and a picture of yourself not playing guitar and then a picture of all of your pedals (as if we really needed proof of that), I let you slide. I should have said something before and I apologize for not doing so. But here it is: "don't fucking contact me if you don't like the velvet underground" is not going to win you any friends, even among fans of the Velvet Underground that feel as apparently passionately as you do about that band. "Don't fucking [action] if you don't [clause]" in any context is overly aggressive and illustrates that, deep down, despite that you title your posts some dumb wanna-be-thoughtful-and-sensitive bullshit every other time in a manner similar to today's post, you are a confrontational personality. Take a look at some of the metal ads. The half of them that take on your attitude, thinking that it has its place in metal (an overly aggressive genre, particularly of the macho stripe, itself) are the half of them that are in the same boat as you: Still posting on Craigslist to no avail.
Look, reword it or scrap it, but "don't fucking blah blah blah" is the part that's kept you here instead of out there. It's like this: I could go on an internet dating site and type, Don't fucking contact me if you don't like receiving cunnilingus, being fairly confident that there are probably more women than not that enjoy receiving oral servicing and want a man that will do that. But how many responses do you think I'd get? Even the women who are positively desperate for a man who gives head would be turned off by that. Think before you type.
Also? Nobody gives a shit that you're Turkish.

  • Location: minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Drummer looking to clobber something original! (Punk, Pop punk, Rock.)

Date: 2011-12-01, 9:40PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Drummer looking to clobber in your band. Don't do that. (Originals, NO COVER BANDS please) I'm a mid 30's drummer from the TC area looking for a PUNK, POP PUNK, ROCK n ROLL BAND. I have gig ready gear, and the experience to take you to pound town! Stop... Just stop. Age is not an issue, but if you can't enjoy a drink at rehearsals you're too young, True dat. if the drums are too heavy handed then you're too old. Or I have a sense of taste that dictates that there are times when heavy-handedness should be encouraged and other times when restraint should be exercised.

  • Location: Punk, Pop punk, Rock.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Spooner Seeking Fischer (Minneapolis )

Date: 2011-12-01, 8:15PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hello! I'm XX Xxxxxx. I'm an established Solo Artist who's seeking an Electronic Producer/ Songwriter for a Duo Band Project! What do I bring to the table? Scores of songs (mixed tracks, unmixed and demos), a strong visual aesthetic, a solid fan base and an abundance of DRIVE. I would like to work with someone who writes, produces and is interested in developing mixed media shows where we would fuse projected film and music. I'm looking to write and produce a catalog of material, develop a set and be ready to play shows beginning in May 2012 (that's only 6 months away...!). I'm influenced by everything from Led Zeppelin to Dead Mau5, Kate Bush to David Bowie. Do you want to produced something really creative and see how far you can take it? I Do Too! Look forward to hearing from You! OK, none of that was really out of line, I get that. In fact, this is one of those rare occurrences where a musician or band claims to be "established" (as he did here) or "popular" or whatever and they provide their name just in case you want to Google them because, hey, they've nothing to hide. They're telling what they feel is the truth. And that's the joke I use every week and skipped over today with about two ads; one where the band talks about how "established" they are and even described their fucking stage show to illustrate how ingrained into the TC scene they are... without once mentioning their name. Seems a little shady. Another band got a pass on the anonymity thing because their ad more or less said, "We're kicking out our singer and we want to have a replacement ready to go," and I assume that they didn't want him to find it. And, yeah, that's kind of a shitty thing to do to your bandmate but we can discuss this at length in the comments section later.
ANYhoo, this guy? This guy has his shit together, so I can't make fun of him for that. Further, he plays a style of music that I'm just not into and therefore I am unfamiliar with its trappings. I don't know if what he's looking for is par for the course or what.
No, the part that's funny is this:

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

As with last week, I had to pull a screen grab so that the joke stays here forever and ever (and also so that I could anonymize his record cover). It's funny, at least to me, because as I mentioned, I'm not a part of that world. I don't know what goes on in there. So, to me and my punk sensibilities, when I see professional photos that you just gotta know that he paid for posted in a Craigslist ad - the same Craigslist where you can get an ugly Walmart entertainment center with missing parts for US$10 - I just have to laugh at the pomp and hubris of it.
I mean, look at those.

PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


Date: 2011-12-01, 10:43AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

New original boy band is forming. What I thought was a hangover was actually just the dizzying nausea that sentence invoked.

Seeking 3 strong, unique male vocalists with some dance ability. Tenor, Baritone and Bass needed. Young, and stylish are a must. I'm out! The first tenor spot is filled by a professional vocalist/dancer/dance instructor. If anyone is concerned with dance ability, he'll be able to help you. Song writing ability is a plus! Wait a minute, I thought professional songwriters wrote songs for boy bands. Boy bands don't write their own - Wait a minute. The first tenor spot is filled and - Are you him? And referring to yourself in the third person? If you play an instrument, that is also a plus. Yeah, boy bands don't play their own instruments either.
I don't know how I feel about the idea of this: A self-contained boy band. A boy band that is its own entity. A - oh, god, I almost threw up at the thought - DIY boy band.

Boy Bands are coming back! RUN!

Please be strong harmonizers...

If you're interested, contact me with info and a demo. Thanks!

  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

re re: Band seeks drums and guitar (Uptown) (Mpls) (Minnesota )

Date: 2011-11-29, 3:01PM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

First of all, let me apologize to all 5-10k combo amp players. Hm? I'm sorry, I don't recall us ever meeting.
Second all I meant by "combo amps need not apply" was, That's not what we're looking for. Since when is it a crime to have a preference? I think Jerry Sandusky could tell you about illegal preferences.
Get it? Because he's a - No? No good? Not working for you? Fuck you, then.

It's been our experience that most people owning combo amps are typically older I'm only thirty, dick. and don't
Wanna deal with moving 4x12's and heads. I'm thirty, not a cripple. That's fine, we just want people who have the same gear we do.
Didn't mean to start drama on craigslist. I went back and found the ad he's talking about. It's really not that big a deal. He's a young'un and said some shit without thinking and plays music that requires the same level of thought and creativity.
Simply put, he's a cunt. Whatever.

  • Location: Minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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