13 December, 2011

I'm just going to cop to it. I have another fetish.

OK, so let me break this down for you:
The video starts off with images of elderly women with horrible Tammy Faye Baker make up.
The singer has at least two t-shirts that say "RAT BOY" across his chest.
Multiple women are depicted as riding bicycles in miniskirts and meaning they have to (playfully, hell, downright coquettishly) cover their (of course) visible panties. (This begs the question as to how they did not figure that that scenario - exposing their under wear - was going to happen as a result of the miniskirt-bike seat combination.)
A lone saxophonist is depicted as isolated in a fantasy world of discotheque lights.
I don't get it.
I'm not saying that I don't enjoy it, I just don't get it.
According to two separate YouTube comments (that I have no reason to doubt, despite them being, you know, YouTube comments), this is the sort of thing that people dig in northeast Brazil. I wasn't aware.
See, the thing is, since having rekindled my fondness for cycling last summer, I now occasionally find myself drawn to things like this; more or less, yeah, chicks* on bikes. Just like my long-standing thing with, basically, chicks* and guitars. Don't act like you don't ever think about attractive members of the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on your orientation) engaging in your favorite activities. One of my exes and I used to draw together. That was actually kind of hot. A little.
But, yeah, upskirt shots of South American women on bicycles? Relevant to my interests. If this video did not depict brief panty-flashes (which would be hard for it not to, it's what the song is about), I would not watch it. I don't like the music and I don't speak Portuguese, so aside from the Brazilian women of questionable modesty, I have absolutely zero interest in this video. But I watched it and found the music tolerable considering the visual content.
However, they can't all be (by default) winners.
Below, you are going to find two YouTube videos, one large, one small. Here's what you're going to do:
The large video, on the left, has a preview shot that should more or less explain why I'm interested in it. If I have to explain to you why I'm interested in it, you have larger problems than can be solved by a DIY home recording blog that for months now seems to be more about what I ate last night and silly drawings I make while I have a late morning cocktail at the bar. ANYhoo, the video on the left, yeah, pretty obvious why I'm watching it. Believe it or not, there's a problem with it: The music is the most abysmal, ecstasy-laced, sweaty-guy-with-a-glow-rod-in-each-hand dance music I've heard in all of 2011 (probably because I don't listen to dance music in the first place and this may be the first piece I've had to endure). I watched this video and you know what? I watched it with the fucking sound off.
But then an idea struck me: Why don't I just turn on a better song in the background?
This video is 03:08, so I Googled "three minute song". That brought me back too many results about music theory and shit. So I refined the search to "3:08 song". Notice how I don't include a genre. I'm not asking for punk, I'm not asking for metal, and while I ought to ask for bossanova (again with Brazil) as it would be an appropriate match to the visuals, I don't ask for that, either. No, I want to prove that any song at all will be a vast improvement over the one that was used, and so I made up my mind to pick out the first song, any song at all, no matter what it is, that had a run time of three minutes and eight seconds.
The first result was "Hey! Baby! (3:08 Version)" by Juice Newton. And, no, I'm not making that up. And while I could embed the song here, MySpace players actually fuck with bandwidth quite a bit,** so I'm going to skip it. The next two results were the Offspring's "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" and "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars. So, yeah, on the one hand, there's that I'm trying to prove a point with any song at all and then on the other hand there's fuck those songs. Next result after that is "The Ride (Part. 2)" by Calexico. I elected that one because I've fucked to that song before, so there. Simple goddamned rationale.
Now, since the Calexico song (the small one on the right) is actually 03:09, hit play on that one first. Then go to the big video, mute it and hit play.
Not only have we vastly improved the video with the redheaded gal on the bike, we've delved even further into my neuroses than we ever have before. But this time with cleavage.

* Because, hey, when you Google these sorts of things - I'm a grown man, I'm not going to pretend that I find this stuff "by mistake" (though there are times that I really do) - you never go looking for "women" or "ladies", you invariably find yourself typing "chicks" and occasionally "girls" because you know the four thousand tumblr accounts dedicated to these sorts of fetishes - yes, it's a goddamned fetish; specifically a form of paraphilia - are always titled "Chicks and _________" or whatever and you'll get more and more accurate search results.
Note to feminists: I do try "women" first.† The word "chick" makes me feel uncomfortable and I essentially avoid its usage unless I'm parodying a 1950s exploitation flick.

** There's one post that employs an embedded MySpace player. For the week that it was on the front page - SD&A's front page, updated daily, shows seven days of posts, the present one and the previous six - I had nothing but trouble getting it and other pages to load. It was a fucked up enough coincidence that I'm not going to call it a coincidence; MySpace has always been full of errors and problems.

† Like what I did there? Trying to get on the feminists' collective good side? That's how I roll with them bitches.‡

‡ Please don't bitch about that joke; I'm at work right now and don't have time to explain comedic irony to you.

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