07 November, 2011

Your weekly musicians' ads.

We're running a fucking marathon today, my little illiterati. Buckle up and fix a cocktail.


Date: 2011-11-07, 10:15AM CST
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hey Twin Cities Musicians,
looking to put 2gether That's not a word. You are an adult. Behave like one. a rock/funk band in the metro area-looking for Male or Female lead guitar, Bass, & Drums for gigs already booked$$ 2011-2012

if you dont already play in a gazillion bands or just jobbing it out not looking for that so please dont respond-looking for players that have the time to commit to a project that can get tight and rock stages in the twin cities. Next gig is Nov 14th One week after he posts this ad. through 2011-2012 agency and management, etc. sorry so short notice.. Yeah, no shit that's short notice. How the fuck you going to ask somebody to come in, join the band, learn the set, and be stage-ready in less than a week? (I say "less than" considering that he probably won't have the entire band put together and practicing within, say, an hour after this ad goes up.) Further, what the fuck are you doing booking shows without having a band? Look at me: No band. Know what I do? I don't book shows. Why? Because I have no band. No band, no shows.
In fact, fuck it, remember the guy from last week with the t-shirts? How about the innumerable times we've had ads where somebody's going into the studio or is already in the studio and all of a sudden it dawns on them that all or part of their band is non-existent?
OK, I want everybody to be clear on this. This is a new rule: No band, no shows. No band, no merch. No band, no studio time. OK? It's that simple.

Please leave a message with info or call xxx-xxx-xxxx ask for Xxxxx thanks

www.xxxxxxxxxx.com for more info.

  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Teen Punk Bass Player Wanted (Minneapolis, Minnesota)

Date: 2011-11-06, 1:01PM CST
Reply to: Xxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

I'm Xxxxx, lead guitarist and vocalist of punk band Xxxxxxxxxxx. We are currently looking for a bass player with a flexible schedule and preferably around 14-17 years old. OK OK OK, slow down. Now, I know I get on adults all the time for saying they'll take a sixteen year old but this is a little different, right?
Fourteen to seventeen is not the same as twenty four to twenty seven. We're essentially talking about an eighth grader (whose mom would have to drop him off at practice) all the way up to a high school junior. Consider the difference in maturity between those two ages. Also? How the fuck you going to get a fourteen year old in the club?
Band influences include Sex Pistols, Rollins Band, The Stooges and Minor Threat. Looking for someone into old school punk and hardcore punk, we definitely don't want to play anything too commercial. Isn't that cute? Remember when we were young punks and "commercial" was just the most disgusting thing we could think of? If you think of punk as Blink-182 or Green Day, then you don't fit our style. If you want to play screamo or heavy metal, you don't fit our style. We are in an experimental stage at this point, but we imagine a hardcore punk sound with some pre punk and a hint of jazz. Contact if you're interested. I like these kids. I'd join but, you know, I'm thirty.
I bought hemorrhoid cream yesterday.

  • Location: Minneapolis, Minnesota
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the award for "Most Straightforward Lack of Bullshit" goes to...

Looking for some drunks to play with

Date: 2011-11-05, 5:09PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Pedal Steel guy looking for some drunks to play with.


  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Girl vox/instrumentalist for Duo wanted (Twin Cities)

Date: 2011-11-04, 7:02AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Are you ready to go pro? Yes? If not I can help you get there as long as you've got a killer voice and play guitar or other instrument.
Not looking for a date here, just to clarify. Mm-hmm. I am a male singer, guitarist, harp blower in my mid 40's [cough]Midlifecrisis![/cough] with thousands of gigs under my belt.
I have a vast arsenal of songs. I take songs I love and reinterpret them in my own style, which leans in a Hillbilly direction.
I have a BIG voice and am looking for another BIG voice to harmonize with. I play a lot of shows on my own and do just fine,
But with the right partner, [cough]Lookingforadate![/cough] sky's the limit.
I would consider working with another dude, but if you are a dude you better BRING IT with the girl voice That, uh... That... Yeah. That kind of, uh... Yeah, I got nothing on that. and hot licks.
The right person will make $100 a night 4-12 nights per month. It's all about the HARMONY. This is an acoustic situation. And, somehow, he just managed to make the words "acoustic situation" sound really ooky.

  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

This next ad is, shall we say, familiar. As in we met him in 2007.

Thrash METAL Gtr Lessons House calls FREE for Beer SHRED (Minnetrista)

Date: 2011-11-03, 10:43AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hard rock, punk rock, thrash, death metal, all speeds & types, affordable CHEAP

1st lesson free for 6 pack Guinness.

SHRED! Blues, country, funk - lessons, from the best - GIT program; learn modes, sweeps, hammer pull scales arpeggios and more, quick, NO Tab reading.

Studied with Rick from EXODUS in CA

Maple Plain ***** Shredding - shred - shredding - shred minneapolis - shredding minnesota shredder Calm down, man. You're in public.

  • Location: Minnetrista
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK, so this next string of ads requires a bit of explanation.
Last week, some guy posted an ad offering his recording services, specializing in analog recording. The post has since been removed. Couldn't tell you why. Sure, he was a little brash, a little cocky... The ad was titled "Shove That Digital Mixer Up Your Arse", after all. But, you know, he's new. He has to catch some attention, get people to look at his ad. Try something a little more aggressive in his marketing strategies than just posting a title like "Analog Recording, $[X amount] per [period of time]" or whatever. And, yeah, he went on to talk a little trash about digital recording. That was it. He didn't even really cuss, if memory serves, he just said he can put your band on tape, digital reverb sucks, made a Flock of Seagulls joke, and then he peaced out after he posted his prices.
This did not sit well with Minneapolis's Craigslist musician community.

Regarding "shove that digital mixer up your arse" (Land of Idiots)

Date: 2011-10-31, 10:30AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

There is no magic in low-quality analog recording. This is the way countless live recordings were done throughout the 70s, 80s and 90s. Hissy, distorted and low bandwidth.
All were done with "fake" reverb from plates, springs and digital effects. If you think it was mostly rooms you're sadly mistaken and uninformed.

And what do you think people are going to listen to these recordings with? Shitty, horrible cassettes? Most likely this stuff will be digitized anyways, so it's going to wind up as a digital end product.

Flock of Seagulls? Well that was an analog recording. Your ignorance and perhaps age is showing.

  • Location: Land of Idiots
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
image 0image 1
image 2image 3
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And then six hours fifty five minutes later...

Re: Shove that digital mixer... (Albini wannabee)

Date: 2011-10-31, 5:25PM CDT
Reply to: see below [Errors when replying to ads?]

Just what we need. A Steve Albini clone.

  • Location: Albini wannabee
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And then I like how homeboy comes back...

Steve Albini clone available (twin cities)

Date: 2011-11-01, 10:04AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

you know what you like, you know how you want to sound, you don't want no unemployed recording engineer tell you how unprofessional you sound.
give me a call, we'll get your tracks down without the big headed hassle. just your sound, your tone, your time, your space.

  • Location: twin cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

AAAnnnddd now, the last ad for the day. Don't bitch. I brought you nine of them, today.

frontman seeking to start popcore band (downtown st paul)

Date: 2011-10-31, 3:48PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxx_xxxxx@live.com

hey my name is Xxxxxx Hi, Xxxxxx! and im looking to start a new band. Well, you've certainly come to the wrong place but go ahead. i want it to be in the popcore genre Popcore? What the fuck is popcore? [Googles.] Oh! It's crap. or close to it. like a day to remember mixed with the wonder years. No. No no no. Don't tell me somebody named their band after that TV show. [Googles.] Goddamnit. alot of the bands im into are like four years strong, title fight, balance and composure, and a day to remember. I've done enough Googling so far. stuff like that if you are interested Grab on to something for this next part. and serious...SERIOUS and im fucking serious about you bein serious because i want this to take off Couldn't you just feel his impotent fury blazing through the screen at you? shoot me I'm afraid that will only make you angrier. an email Oh. and we can get something set up thanks!

  • Location: downtown st paul
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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