01 November, 2011

How do we begin November? With a conspiracy!

On my internet dating profile, I list one of my talents as "grape smuggling" (along side such things as lion taming and break dancing). It's a nice way of weeding out all the uptight and humorless gals. Case in point? All the so called "cool" gals I've messaged so far? Yeah, none of them have messaged me back. But I did get a message from a young lady asking me about that one particular talent. Since I spent the better part of the morning concocting my response, I figured, Fuck it. I wrote it. It counts.
So here you go. Because fuck it. I wrote it. It counts.
With roots going back to 1195AD, grape smuggling was a prime proponent for the Vatican to further a Catholic agenda in the British Isles, with the grapes being used in the fermentation of the wine used during communion. At the time, the chief economy of Britain - here concerning England, Ireland, Scotland, and Wales - was one based on barley, wheat, corn, and other sundry grains used in the distillation of whiskey.
Importation of wine was met with great protest, thus we have the Protestant church in England. Further, the Vatican took a more aggressive stance with indoctrinating Ireland, a largely Druid country, by sending in large barrels of wine - quite publicly - from a vineyard with a specially chosen name, one that would sound familiar and comforting to the Irish: St. Patrick's Vineyard.
Thus the Druids took to the wine and the religion that came with it and became Catholics while the English rebelled against the wine and became Protestants, thus ties between the two countries were severed and whatever avenues the Vatican had into England through Ireland were now closed.
As time wore on and the English remained steadfastly Protestant, the Vatican redoubled its efforts and now concocted a new plot. In the east, outside of the eyes and ears of the British Empire - not quite as large as it would later grow to be just yet - the Vatican purchased grapes from vineyards in Greece and Turkey and shuttled them north to the Scandinavian countries. Here, the grapes would be shipped on fishing boats inside the fish themselves. The particular type of fish was a popular one in the north of England at the time: Cod. Hollowed out cod stuffed with grapes was called, colloquially by the smugglers, pieces. So, it is true to say that grape smuggling was done in cod pieces.
This plan, however, failed and the Vatican, unable to force grapes into England, was eventually folded into Italy properly and was no longer a city state under oligarchical rule, causing a) the Irish to return to whiskey and Druidism, b) the Greeks to become known for their grapes, and c) nobody ever trusting fish when it comes from a Scandinavian person.

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