24 October, 2011

Your weekly musician's ad.

Normally, my little illiterati, I stay away from faith-based bands. Gospel choirs and church bands and the like. Not because I'm afraid of roasting in Hell or I have some unjustifiable auto-respect for members of the clergy or whatever but because those bands have completely different sets of motivations and goals than working, touring, recording "rock" bands. They're not in it for the money, they volunteer their services. They're not in it for art, they want to praise whichever god they're into. And you never see a priest, pastor, minister, rabbi, shaman, whoever, post an ad looking for musicians where they promise to have contacts in the industry or promising that they can hook you up with an agent or a manager or a label or a contract... Long and short of it is that I don't pick those bands apart because I'm not a part of that world nor was I ever an active participant in it and my standards of reasonability within the musician community is non-applicable to the machinations of a church house band. Simple as that.
HOWEVER - Sometimes there are some enterprising young spirits who want to preach the lord's message in their own way to the masses that will have them and once they enter the world of being in their very own touring / recording / blah blah blah rock band, they are not safe from scrutiny. Especially if they've been posting incessantly for three weeks, now.

Bassist, Guitarist, Vocalist, needed for hardcore band (North Saint Paul, MN)


Date: 2011-10-22, 9:27PM CDT
Reply to: xxxxx_xxx@hotmail.com

Hey, we're a band from North St. Paul called Xxxxxxxxx Xxxxxxx and we are in need of a vocalist, a guitarist, and a bassist to complete our line-up. We're just starting out, currently a guitarist and drummer. And watch this shit. → One thing we are up front about is that our songs are about Jesus Christ and our relationship with Him. If you're interested, we'd like to talk to you about where you stand with that, as we don't require you to have the same views as us, respect goes a long way. Doesn't that kind of make you feel a little like... Remember how Dr. Venkman got slimed by Slimer in the first Ghostbusters? Don't you feel kind of covered in a thick viscous fluid now? I mean, read that again. One thing we are up front about is that our songs are about Jesus Christ and our relationship with Him. If you're interested, we'd like to talk to you about where you stand with that, as we don't require you to have the same views as us, respect goes a long way. For real, that's almost as creepy as the guy who has a basement studio and just needs a female vocalist for an afternoon. At least this is more Jehovah's Witness and less, you know, rape. Some things you'll need to have are: your own equipment, Do I have to take the pentagram stickers off? the will to commit to the band, contributions, the will to learn and make songs, reliable transportation to North St. Paul once or twice a week, and the drive to move forward with the band. Previous band experience is not required but is a huge plus. We're 21 - 16 OK, so one of you just turned old enough to drink and the other one just turned old enough to drive. so age isn't a huge issue with us. It is with me. Look, 21. Leave 16 alone. He has homework.

Two of our songs are up on Facebook. Check them out.
http://www.facebook.com/xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Yes, I changed that link.

If you're still reading this, awesome! Shoot one of us an e-mail with "XXXXXXXXX" in the subject line with the following information and we'll get back to you ASAP:
Name, Satan. city you're from, The City of Dis. what you play/do, Oddly, I have no Satanic-themed pop culture reference for this one. any previous band experience, Uh... Black Sabbath? No. I wasn't in that band. Yep. Got nothing for that. samples/link to stuff you've done/recorded. Uh... Satan stuff I guess. Look, I don't know. Your ad is creepy and gross. I mean, I assume you'd prefer like minded individuals for your band before you recruit somebody who might be, you know, not like minded but maybe if you're asking prospective band mates to respect where you're coming from, maybe you respect that talking out the whole Jesus angle of your band is something a nonbeliever is something they are not terribly interested in. Maybe they'll just like the music and interpret the lyrics their own way or whatever. Maybe, if you do come across a band mate who neither has or wants a relationship with your savior of choice, you don't sit them down for a pow wow about the nature of your god's love or whatever else you were planning on saying. How about, if you really do find yourself needing to say something, you just say, "Hey, Mikey, this one's about Jesus, OK?" and leave it at that.
Nobody but a witness likes a witness. Nobody who puts forth the time and effort to search for their own beliefs wants some nutter coming up to them and telling them their beliefs are wrong and that the nutter's way is the only way. That's offensive. You know why? Because the nutter is telling somebody that they're ignorant. And even worse, they're telling somebody that they're ignorant all the while under the pious ruse of trying to "save" them.
So, how about this? You want to write songs about Jesus? Cool. That does it for you. Go for it. Also? It's your band, you can recruit who you want. But recruiting secular kids and wanting to have a little sit-down about commitment to Christ or whatever you're planning on? Not only is that pretty goddamned transparent, that's fucking gross.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there are other problems in the world that need solving.


Xxxxx Xxxxxxx: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
Xx Xxxxxxx: xxxxx_xxx@hotmail.com

  • Location: North Saint Paul, MN
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

And the award for "Best Unintentional Homoerotic Innuendo" goes to...

Ready to get busy? (Uptown)

Even in the title.

Date: 2011-10-22, 1:03PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Looking for a drummer and bass player. OK. Me and a fellow singer/songwriter are looking to start a new project. Mm-hmm. The dynamic is this: dual songwriters, myself on backing vocals and lead guitar, the other lead vocal and other rhythm guitar or piano. Got it. What we're looking for is a drummer and bassist, preferably with some background together. AAAnnnddd... GO! → Two dudes who feel comfortable with each other and feel comfortable building the rhythmic base to these songs. Preferably funk influence. If you're not fool, you will hear this idea out and get back to me. This is project is open-ended enough that it can be molded in to something that satisfies every member. I've been involved in bands in the past that frustrated me, so with this, we're gonna make it the project we want it to be. Let's start making some money! "53rd and 3rd!" Yeah. I know that one was a low blow.



  • Location: Uptown
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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