28 October, 2011

It's Friday: Let's Piss Off Internet Dating!

So, I've started internet dating again. This is, I'm fairly certain, the third time.
The first time I went internet dating, in winter '09, I met up with the bartender - the one who I was completely honest with repeatedly until, finally, I had to lie to make my point - and, everybody's favorite, the hairdresser (if you don't know about her, you've never been here before). That went, uh, south.
The second time I went internet dating, summer '10, I went for coffee with one of those gals who does the Myspace angles and the hairdresser found me again, thus resulting in three lovely weekends of Jimmy John's and sex.
What can I tell you? An old flame brings you a sandwich, fucks you twice, sleeps in your bed, fucks you again in the morning, and then takes you out for breakfast? Repeatedly? Come on, B, in a way, I dropped the ball on that one.
Alas, it was not meant to be. So in specifically the time it's been since I last tried internet dating, I've...
  • Fisted a girl.
  • Had a long distance relationship.
  • Banged my coworker.
  • Had a lllooonnnggg dry spell.
  • Prematurely ejaculated with a Canadian.
  • Done bareback anal with a Texan.
  • And tossed a girl's salad.

Uh... kind of like this but totally not.
So, yeah, I've been doing alright without the assistance of the internet but it's getting to be winter again and winter, as we know, mon petit illiterati, is an adventureless time. Not so much of despair, just quieter, calmer... A viking's respite. We put our patio furniture away and we sit inside the bar and we keep our smoke breaks short and we curse the wind as it stabs at us on our bike rides and we wonder what happened to our scarves, did we lose it in the last move or is it still packed from the last move? and we sure as shit don't go out and score any pussy because it's fucking cold and nobody goes outside.
Thus, internet dating.
I can't go out to meet people so I may as well do the next best thing to getting out in real life: getting out on line. I've been back in the internet dating pool for about four days now, having rejoined the ranks on Tuesday, and already I've got a back and forth going with a girl. However, I am wary because she's got only one profile pic and it's a Myspace angler. I've also been checking out a few gals here and there, punker sorts, mostly. There's one who seems healthily sexually confident and is super into bikes. I'm down.
The thing is, though, great as this may be, that I'm back wading through the muck and the mire* trying to find appropriate matches. I have to email a stranger, out of the blue, to ask them out on a date. And I get it, you know? Why else would they be on a dating site?
But it's like this: Remember Quill Girl? 1 2 She's on the site. She came up on my front page and I recognized her. So, having emailed her previously about that shitty electro-dream-pop-fuck-off-bullshit-thing-whatever that she was into, I figured I would do the polite thing and say hello.
Me: Oh, hey, you're that bird what posted an ad on Craigslist about the Earth for Foxes guy back in April / May. I emailed you about his eerily appropriate post back then. Seemed only fitting to give you a heads up about it then.

Her: Um? Okay? Don't know how you connected the dots or even why you are messaging me now. Kind of weird.
Why I'm messaging her? I'm saying what's up. Kind of. OK, so, in a round about way that's what I'm doing. But, come on, did you read her response? A little off-putting. I mean, that is a little off-putting, right? Am I taking it the wrong way? Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way.
No, I'm not taking it the wrong way. How would you respond if somebody responded to you like that? That's an off-putting response. So, just for clarity's sake, I messaged back:
I saw you on my home screen, thought I recognized you, I looked at your photos for confirmation, saw the quill photo, and thought, "Oh, hey..." Thought I would say hello.
After all, [name of site] says I have to contact five new people or something. So, yeah, weird, granted. Just saying hello, that's all.
Just saying hello. What's so weird about that?
Furthermore, what the fuck you doing on a dating site if you don't want guys saying hello to you, backward-ass? That's like touring the Keebler factory and telling them you don't like cookies. Straight up backward.
Before that, though, I ran into a woman from back in August. I thought for sure that I had posted about it but I can't find anything on it.
Long and short of it? This past August...

On the sixth, to be exact.**
... Carson, Abhiyan, and this cat from Alaska, we all decide to hit the bar. Actually, Abhi needed coaxing but we coaxed a fair game. The Alaskan hears Carson and I complaining a bit about our similar lady-woes and the Alaskan starts puffing his chest about [bro voice] he can pick us up chicks [/bro voice] and how he's a killer wingman and all that, blah blah blah. So we head to Gangchen, the place I always swear to myself that I will never return to...

I just can't quit you, baby.
... only to find out that the power is out at Gangchen, so we head over to this reggae bar that Carson's into and we have a round over there. The place is too loud, though, so not even Alaska is making any headway. So we pack up and head next door, I forget the name of the place. While we're in there, this spritely little number comes through doing cartwheels and immediately puts some shitty music on the jukebox and gloms onto Alaska.
The five of us retire to the patio where it's obvious that she's into Alaska even if she's talking chiefly to Abhi and Carson (Me? I'm chillin'.) So, here's the part where I tell you about how I'll never go back to this bar whose name I forgot. They announced last call and came out from behind the bar and started taking drinks out of people's hands. Last I checked, last call meant your last chance to order a drink, it didn't mean closing time. But, yeah, there's at least fifteen people on the patio and fifteen more inside and the staff is just going around yanking people's drinks out of their hands.
Sprite says we should all go back to her place with her and her boyfriend. That's not the fucked up part. Here's the fucked up part: We're walking back, on the bridge, and she grabs me and comes in to plant one on me. I pull back and get a smacker on the neck and she gives me these seductive eyes... got a little into it before reminding myself why I pulled back: Her boyfriend is walking right next to us. So, me? I give him the "I don't know what's going on here, bro" shrug and he just smiles back like "Ted" Theodore Logan*** or some shit. I mean, he's down.
So we get back to Sprite's apartment and, I'm for real, yo, she was climbing all over us. Literally. We're sitting around (Alaska had passed out at this point) and she's just kind of making the rounds straddling everybody but her boyfriend. At one point, after we drank all her beer, she told her boyfriend to go upstairs to his apartment and bring us his wine. And here's the fucked up part: He did.
No argument. No protest. Nothing. Just does as he's told.
He goes out with his girlfriend, watches her bring four strangers back to her place, watches her slither all over them while they drink all her booze, and then hops to when she tells him to go fetch his wine.
...
...
...
We didn't get out of there until five in the morning.
None of us got laid.
ANYhoo! So I saw her online and I thought I'd message her.
Me: Remember that night this past summer you took four guys home from the bar along with your boyfriend? Yeah, I was one of those guys.

Her: Hey! I remember that.
And that was that. See that? Nice, civil back and forth. No intention of dating her, just saying, Hey, what's up? And she, in turn, as a reasonable human being, said, "Oh, yeah, that." That's was it. That was all that needed to be said. What else had to be said? Just a friendly hello between two people in the same neighborhood, that was it. And the way I see it, if I've been to your house and seen your tits, it would be rude of me to not say hello to you when I find you on an internet dating site. Jus' sayin'. You know? Maybe that's my neurosis; maybe that's not how the rest of society works. Maybe the rest of society is used to being thrust into awkward and uncomfortable situations so often that they are no longer obligated to say hello to each other two months after they get drunk, go home with strangers, and are treated to fancy beer and partial frontal nudity. Me? No. My mother raised me right.

"Remember, Charlie, if a girl flashes her tits at you, be polite and say 'hello' to her the next time you see her."
But, anyway, yeah. I'm internet dating again. I really didn't have anything else to bring to the table today.
I still can't get over that I never told you guys about Sprite, though. You'd have thought that a story like that would've been next-day priority. Huh.

* Did you know that phrase comes from the bible? It does. Learn something new everyday.
** That's me in a five thousand dollar suit jacket.
*** Tell me you get that reference.

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