14 October, 2011

It's Friday: Let's Just Fuck with the Tea Party a Little, You Know, for Shits and Giggles!

So begins my third double shift in a row this week. I sit here, seeing the weather getting nowhere above 60°F and waiting on my laundry as I hope to come up with a topic for today's piss off. So, let's see... Nope. None of the local sandwich shops have pissed me off... None of my exes who live in Texas have...
Wait, nope. Here we go. Just got a phone call.
Some douchetastic, nasal-voiced dweeb just called the office and asked, "Can I speak to the business owner?"
Nope.
The dweeb asked, "Why not?"
Because they hired me to put me in your way.
"Oh, so you're like a gatekeeper?" he asked.

Eh, more like the Keymaster, but go ahead...
I wanted to tell him that, no, I'm actually middle-management if anything but for this round, I let it slide and said, Yup. What can I help you with?
The dweeb then proceeded to tell me about how the state of Minnesota is issuing tax liens on local businesses for the specific amount of some bullshit number like US$3,746 or something. I can't remember exactly what the number was because he was talking a lot more than I wanted him to but I remember it was three kay something and it had a seven somewhere in there. Me? I'm just going, Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It was beginning to sound like I was going to have to debate a motherfucker over the phone.
"... and you should call your congressman," maybe he said state rep, like I was paying attention, "and ask them about these liens and what you can," and I stopped paying attention.
After a few seconds of silence, I asked him, Are you with the Tea Party?
"Te-? No, sir, I'm with," and I forget the name of his firm, "I'm not with the state," notice how that ← has nothing to do with my question, "I don't like the state," but that ← does, "and we are an independent firm that looks out for business owners - I mean, I've seen liens enforced on business owners up to a million dollars and -"
So, did we solicit this service?
"No, sir, we were not solicited but you may be facing a tax lien of," that number in the three kay neighborhood, "and we're just calling you to let you know -"
So we never contacted you about our finances.
"No, sir."
Then what are you doing looking at our tax records?
"Pardon?"
What are you doing looking at our tax records?
"Sir, what we do is -"
How do you know how much we owe in taxes?
"No, if I can explain, sir -"
Isn't it illegal to -
"No! Sir, can I explain what it is we do?"
No. I'm not even really interested in anything you have to say.
"Then why did you ask me a question?"
What's that?
"Why did you ask me a question?"
Because I wanted to know what you were doing looking at our tax records without consent.
"That's not what we do!"
Then how do you know how much we owe?
"Are you going to let me explain what it is that we do!?"
What are you doing looking at our tax records?
"Are you going to let me explain what we do!?"
Yeah -
"OK, you see, what we do is -"
- but what are you doing going through our tax records?
"OK! Bye!"
The dweeb hung up and I had a laugh and I realized, Oh, shit. There's some material. The Tea Party sends out their telephone canvassers incognito now. Let's run with that because I've got nothing else. Stay classy, Tea Party

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