12 September, 2011

Your Weekly Musicians' Ads

And the winner for this week's "How To Be Taken Seriously Award" goes to...

Bad Ass Sh*t (Minneapolis)

Date: 2011-09-09, 2:09AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Unholy beast of a guitarist seeking collaboration w meth head drummer.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

****Musicians Needed**** (Twin Cities)

Date: 2011-09-09, 12:27PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Hi, I manage a Female Front Band, OK, at the risk of sounding stupid, do you mean a female fronted band? Because if you meant exactly what you typed, uh, what's a front band? They are currently looking for a Drummer, Second Guitarist, Bassist. SSSooo... a whole band? You will be a SESSION at first and if everything works you will be a part of the band. OK, I don't know if it's because you type like English is your second language or I'm just stupid, but do you mean "session musician"? Further, since when do bands hire members and make them go through a probationary period? Looking for members who will TOUR.

Please keep a open mind. This Genre is Pop/Rock. Crap.

Our influences are Paramore, Ah, yes, the band that can't even spell their own name correctly. Strokes, Ah, yes, the flash that pans were made for... Whatever happened to those guys? Versa Emerge, Ah, yes, the band that I've never heard of. Metric, Ah, yes, the band that Angie Doom was really into for about a minute that I found annoying. The Sounds, Ah, yes, the band I think I've heard of. Two Door Cinema Club, Ah, yes, another band I've never heard of. etc... there are tons of artists out there that we love can't name them all. But have you tried? I mean, really tried?

Please email the information we need below so that I can contact you:
1. Name/Age(Please only 18+) I should hope so.
2. Gear I have a humbler and an arab strap.
3. Experience Two years managerial.
4. Whats your time commitment?
5. Where do you want to be in next few months.?
6. What do you want to accomplish as a musician?
7. Any other things you would like me to know.

Thanks again for you interest. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

You're a serious guitarist with talent ? (Twin Cities, baby)

Date: 2011-09-09, 6:24PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Guess what. Chicken butt.

Xxxxxx-Xxxx has an opening. OK, I know I anonymized you so the readers can't tell but, seriously, when do you not have an opening? You post every two or three weeks looking for a ______er or a ______ist. Really. And every time you post, I let it slide because, hey, you guys don't come across as assholes, just a little arrogant. Like watch, let's rewind the tape a little.
Xxxxxx-Xxxx has an opening.
Lucky bastard. See? That's a little arrogant but ultimately inoffensive, that's why I've always let you guys slide, you're just doing the marketing. But here's the thing: You guys have peppered the want ads with your presence since the beginning of 2011 constantly trying to replace one member or another. I think maybe you should take the hint: That this shit aint working out. I don't know if it's because they were jerks or you were jerks or maybe they woke up one day and thought, "You know, the band I'm in, from an aesthetic point of view, sucks and, sure, the money is good but I'm done whoring my soul out to spineless mediocrity and artistic agoraphobia for the sake of a few dollars." I don't know if that's what happened and far be it from me to tell somebody to throw in the towel so... maybe the most positive thing I can say is start a different band. Write different music. Analyze what it is that's causing your members to leave if you aren't kicking them out.

You: That guy with ridiculous skills on the guitar thats been trolling CL looking for Shameless egotists with no sense of self awareness that I get to rip to shreds on a weekly basis behind only a flimsy and quite transparent veil of anonymity? the right opportunity to jump at. Oh.

You're probably thinking in your head, That a lot of your ad reads like someone trying to sell me a time share. "Not another non-serious post! No future goals, No talent, Not the right look, The right look? Doesn't understand the market, The market? Did you seriously just say that? The market. Holy mackerel. No connections." Connections? Jesus.

If you're reading this, you found your chance. Wow me.
You've been practicing religiously, listening to your favorite recordings new and old wondering if it will ever happen. No. Because I have bills and shit. I wonder about those. You've created some of the most bitchin riffs to ever grace this Earth. Thank you.

Good to hear. Xxxxxx-Xxxx fosters it.

Just check our music. I have already. As in all previous ten times you guys have posted before because I always think I forget to and then I listen and I feel the same way about it all over again: It's meaningless, manicured fluff presenting nothing socially relevant to the listener and devoid of any intellectual content.
We know. It's good. And then there's the way I see it.
Now we want you to be a part of it.

Before you try out, make sure you're also not in the business of shooting down ideas, You've never been here, have you? you're open minded, Well, I tried panty sniffing once but that wasn't my thing. love this kind of music, Dude, Christopher Cross wants to kick your ass. are adaptable, Yes. presentable, Presentable? easy to get along with, No. have good communication with us, I'm generally pretty passive aggressive until I get drunk and then I'll tell you what an asshole I think your song is. Yes, your song is an asshole. show up when requested, Fuck you, you going to make me wear a pager? hang out with us, Not into it. be old enough to at least buy cigarettes, I'm still trying to quit. preferably beer, Can I do that joke where I type "HAHAHA" close to fifty, sixty times here or am I going to need that for later? take initiative, Uh-huh. and don't compromise for anything less.

Like some alternative music. Blink-182, Haven't we been over Blink-182? Acceptance, Never heard of them. Yellowcard, You seriously like Yellowcard? (Mainstream) A Day To Remember, OK, that's a first: I've never seen anybody specify a band's mainstream output. You see that shit on the wall over there? That's my mind. It has been blown. Paramore, What is it about this band that... hold on. [Googles.] OK, not offensive. Not terribly gripping, either. Sum-41, Do you mean Sum-41 when they were trying to be punk or Sum-41 after they pulled a Green Day and tried their hand at adult contemporary with fuzz? TBS, The super station? What? Are we going to watch three hour marathons of The Office at practice? Saosin, Never heard of. Thirty Seconds To Mars, Wow, guy. I do believe that funny feeling in my throat is due to me gagging on my own balls right now, that's how far they just climbed back up into me. Sugarcult, Never heard of. The Maine, Never heard of. The All-American Rejects.. Those guys are still around? Pick one.

We are all 21+. With degrees. Ooh, so I'm supposed to be what here? Impressed? We get it. Herpes? Chlamydia? Gonorrhea?

We are working with a studio, and a booking manager.
We have a practice space and have performed shows scheduled with National Touring Acts. I hate when people boast about their success without citing specifics. Who were these "national touring acts" exactly?
We're not satisfied with being big locally. We want more.

Fb. Twitter. Reverbnation. Purevolume. Myspace (Some people still check it..) So you have a web presence. Great. How about just posting the link that actually has the music?

Xxxx. Xxxx. Xxx. Xxx. Xxxx. Xxxx. Xxx. Xxxx. Xxxx. Xxxxx. That was his phone number.

Have recordings, images of you available, schedule, transportation, and a ready to party attitude.

No Drugs. They interfere with music. OK, good, I was hoping I could get a chance to beat this joke into the ground: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAH! Obviously you've never heard of a couple little bands called ALL OF THEM! All the great bands did drugs! All the great bands still do drugs! Beatles? Drugs. Stones? Drugs. The Doors? Drugs. Zeppelin? Drugs. Sabbath? Drugs. Motorhead? Drugs. New York Dolls? Drugs. Ramones? Drugs. Black Flag? Drugs. The Germs? Drugs. The Birthday Party? Drugs. Joy Division? Drugs. Parliament? Drugs. Willie Nelson? Drugs. Johnny Cash? Drugs. Nirvana? Drugs. N.W.A.? Drugs. Everybody else? Drugs. You know why? Because fuck you, that's why.

*Direct all booking inquiries to the e-mail address listed above. Thank you

  • Location: Twin Cities, baby
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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