05 September, 2011

Your Weekly Musicians' Ads

I don't have to a goddamned thing to our first entry.

Elder Ӹג [] needed ((4 m(a֮)))

Date: 2011-09-04, 10:50PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

singer/drummer/bass player looking to manifest sacred indo-cosmic-trance funk from 5gate or бҙ(ѩNaNғ)֬ whichever
takes less trip time to create.

i don't have the best technology, just playing around with n=ʤ(ˠ+ß³(ń-4ʧ)ˤʯ) in a 4th vector octosphere at the moment, still not sure how/if it will operate.

basically im looking to copy-cat a version of the space/anti-space 00 1 110 without destroying the integrity of the basic formula. it'll sound dope as fuck.

get ahold of me if your serious about helping with the project.

  • Location: (4 m(a֮))
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Remember that long-winded ponce from last week's round of ads? Yeah, he's back. And I think he's got a few drinks in him this time.

3rd Rock Guitarist Electric Time Charm? (Bloomington)

Date: 2011-08-29, 2:16PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Disclaimer #1: If some of what follows strikes anyone as sounding egotistical or arrogant, please attribute it to requisite vocalist cock of the walk attitude; after all that goes with the show to be the man out front, right? What you just said, it makes no sense.

Disclaimer #2: This ad is directed at guitarists late 30's to (young) late 40's.

I like how this next part comes off as an insult but I can't pinpoint exactly where. That's subtlety. You are probably playing in a group now, be it cover or original, gigging anywhere from several times a year to maybe once a month. You know you have talent beyond your current situation, but it's comfortable. Possibly in your earlier days you did have a level of success and maybe even traveled with a band.

The questions are:

Do you still have musical ambitions; and believe your playing is better than ever or only needing a bit of additional time to get it up to where you would like it to be; your own writing better than average and somewhat diverse?

What are the long term prospects for your current efforts or are there none and that is one reason why you are reading this now? Are you trying to get me to quit my band?

If you are searching for electric opportunities because they are missing, perhaps you are also undergoing some other self-reflection about your life. The extent of my self-reflection normally begins with "I should include more leafy greens in my diet" and ends with "I wonder what it's like to have sex with a black woman". I'm a terrifically simple person.

If someone had the vehicle, would you hop in for the ride? Stranger danger! (Actually, I wouldn't have minded terribly if the bird from 0:14 to 0:23 kidnapped me and did terrible, debauched things to my hairless preteen body.)

In my previous musical adventures it was never too difficult to connect with a guitarist once I started looking. Hasn't seemed to happen here yet after several years and various ads I've either placed or answered along the way. Because every one of your ads I've read so far is a new transcription of the Bhagavad Gita, you need to shorten shit up, B. I've heard it said by a number of the musicians I have met around here that guitar players in the TC are a dime a dozen. You haven't heard anything from anybody, quit lying.

Maybe they are, but I'm not looking for a dime-store player. Good because none of us are looking for five cent windbags.

After finishing my first CD, I completely walked away from making music for ten years until Fate spoke to me in French one morning a couple years ago while I was riding the Metro Transit to work. Did you just say that? In public? Now that I am back at it, I don't expect to be having writer's block anytime soon (lyrics or music); however I do not play any guitar and finding a comparable counterpoint writer/player/foil to me is certainly part of my long term agenda; and if it can happen as a result of this ad, that would be fantastic-ly excellent. Fantastically. Not hyphen-l-y, a-l-l-y.

Writing electric music with a riffmeister is an experience unlike any other. OK, ← that? No. It's exactly like any other. Trust me, it's writing a song; it's not getting a tug job in a Singapore massage parlor with a vibrating egg up your ass and a masseuse with a proclivity for incorporating Icy Hot. That's a unique experience. Now that we got that out of the way, watch what this arrogant bastard comes up with next. I can probably stretch you beyond where you ever thought to go but you will be glad to have taken the trip. I am a musical force made exponentially stronger w/ a six-string grind and groove. Then you should probably learn to play guitar your damned self. If you sing and our voices mix that is even more amazing (not a deal breaker if you don't sing, but if you do sing and just tell me you don't, I will find out and put your vocals on something, I promise you that). Why? Why do you have to come off like such an abrasive pecker? Maybe you should try respecting peoples' personal boundaries. I get that, really, you've done nothing but indicate that this project of yours is about no one but yourself and you're behaving as though admitting that up front absolves you from having to actually give a shit about the other people involved in this band. But, did you think that maybe, just maybe, you had to post a third ad looking for a guitarist because you're just a bloated egomaniacal cunt?

If you are that player I would expect that you can play (and probably have played) Aerosmith, Queen and Zeppelin music; Wow, that's a stretch. and I would want you to learn a set of their songs (no more than 20 songs total) for a one-time only performance (maybe 2 or 3 performances at most if this one warrants an encore). This set does not directly reflect the kind of music on my new (or old or future) CD, current style or anything else. I have a reason for wanting to do this and the other players on board trust me. You should too. No, I shouldn't. Because not one goddamned thing you've said in any of your ads disproves that you are a borderline text book sociopath. You display delusions of grandeur, a total disregard for the concerns of others, are ruthlessly driven to selfish ends, your clout is beyond questionable, and, while I'm not in the room when you type these epics, I have a feeling you get your rocks off from bossing people around. So, no. I'm not going to trust you.

This nite will be captured in multi-media to provide webcontent and pre-promote a not yet finished original music CD being released when things are in place. You're going to cover twenty songs by three famous bands to promote a CD of your own music. That makes a shit-heap of sense. I do expect to begin rehearsing the music from it at some point during the winter for live touring and support.

The CD is complete as far as recording goes, and mixing is in process. I expect to continue to record new material and perhaps have tracks well underway for a follow up CD by the time this one gets serious attention and interest. My last sessions began at Winterland. Your guitar would be all over the next batch of studio tracks.

Artists will understand and accept what I am saying: I don't have to prove a thing to anyone; Hence the weekly long winded diatribes. but whoever who responds to this and is a legitimate player (or at least an intelligent and interesting person) will be exposed to enough songs to be made a believer should he be skeptical at all. Or simply susceptible to the whims of a howling blow hard.

Since Boston's first album, has there been another rock release with a similar impact, dominating the airwaves? OK. 1) Boston!? That's your yardstick? And 2) Uh, there was this time called the nineties. And there was this record called Nevermind. Google it some time. An entire album of radio hits (6 out of 10... whatever, but a whole lot). Hi, me again! There was this band called Def Leppard and they had this record called Hysteria. It had seven singles. No, I do not sound like Boston. But yea, I've got a CD that is probably a modern day cross between Night at the Opera in terms of flow and Boston's debut in terms of commercial viability; Man, you just can't stop talking about this CD, can you? and is also a fairly diverse representation of 70's rock influences: a Bowie type track, Bad Co, even Steely Dan and Pink Floyd; and the Clash on a B-side.... Don't-don't bring the Clash into this, please.

Old made New. For real. What are you talking about? (And it surprised the shit out of me too as it began to take shape over the spring and summer. There is nothing contrived about this music. That's going to you, Iceman. It is organic as can be; What? the whole is far greater than the sum of the parts; and it is meant be rocking radios 'round the world. For real. Should that day come where his "CD" gets on the radio, I want every one to be on the look out for four men on horseback.)

Read this next part. Breaking through barriers to be heard by the right ears who catapult the sonic is the same for me as it is for everyone else. What? Doesn't matter how good anyone's music is if no one hears it; not to mention, this is what will be paying for my upcoming permanent vacation (well earned and deserved); and a solid paycheck and adventure for others traveling with me from time to time. (Isn't capitalism great? No. It actually sucks.) This performance will be the starting point to making that happen and I certainly welcome ideas, advice and help from all the players involved; but it is on me to make it succeed. I have no illusions or delusions; only a destiny. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I just came.

"Got my timing right. Got my act all tight. Gonna be outta sight, my TC playmates..." Wait, were you just - are those your lyrics? Where did that even come from? Nobody asked for your lyrics.

In their beginning, Queen played private parties rather than gigging (or so I understand). For a number of years no band was bigger on the planet than they were. Doesn't sound like a bad approach to me. That's because it's not a bad approach. Plenty of bands - like all of them - employ this approach.

I've just recently come to realize that my stage persona should include some Freddie kitsch; and I will be taking microphone accessorization to a level beyond Steven Tyler's scarves. (Disclaimer #3: I'm not gay; not that there's anything wrong with that.) You see what he did there? He took a Seinfeld reference and made it creepily homophobic by repeating verbatim but in a wholly different context. That's irony, kids.

How I ended up in Minneapolis is tale for the ages, No, it isn't. and if I wasn't here I possibly wouldn't have recorded anything ever again. Goddamnit! You mean to tell me that we could've completely avoided this mess if you just stayed home!? I now have a cosmic connection to this city, What? No, you don't. though I don't expect to ever be part of its local music scene per se. Then quit trying to join. Years ago I did the local original band slog in the city where I was living. Been there done that. No reason to return to it; here, there or anywhere else. Then go away.

I generally accomplish what I set out to do; and I am planning to quit my day job before too long to be able to focus on music full time. Man, I already did the really long laugh with short quip on the end gag, I can't do it ag- fuck it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA PHEW! That was a good one.

If you are still reading, can you relate? Have any of my responses thus far indicated that I am a sympathetic soul?

What if I'm completely on the level That's a pretty big "what if". and out of nowhere I became an international star literally overnight (Susan Boyles, anyone? and I probably look better in a dress; not that I am planning on wearing one anytime soon. google her name if you don't know who she is), and you are left wondering 'bout yourself? Are you seriously trying to scare me into joining your douche-circle by telling me I'll regret it when you become famous? Fuck you, you really are a sociopath.

Anyone who might take offense at any of my words here please remember this: hype, controversy and publicity self perpetuate and it's all good when it's working for you, isn't it? Where I come from, it ain't braggin' if you can back it up. Where do you come from?

The first track on my new CD is called "Empire of the Sun". I liberated some music from Elvis Presley; because it was so much better than the wretched lyrics chained to it and it deserved to be connected with some cosmic Truth. I won't be returning it because the King is dead.... SSSooo, what you're saying is that you didn't write a goddamned thing. You just plagiarized the music of a more popular and successful musician and put different words on top of it. You must be self aware enough to know that people won't like it for what it is (an ornament for your precious precious words) but for the novelty of what it once was.

OK. I normally anonymize these things as much as for my privacy as the privacy of the folks I lambaste but fuck this guy. My name is Vincent. www.myspace.com/ankorage

"Imaginary Friend" Of which I'm sure you have plenty. and "American Dream" are two of the originals on the October set list. I do not expect a live version to exactly match the arrangement or instrumentation of either song. "Grace" and "Whatz Real?" You're actually doing that thing where you intentionally misspell words with a "Z"? In public? will be played on tour: I know what is real for me. Finishing the lyrics and vocals on "French TWIN" here in the TC is what started me on the path whereby you are now reading these words. Recently I was able to re-connect with the musician playing sax. And subdue him? He is now on some of the new CD tracks. Ankorage also has a brand new logo. I haven't touched myspace since I set it up and last time I was there it was dying on the vine. I'm glad to learn that there is renewed interest and investment in this site. Oh, I suspect there will be a deluge coming in a little while.

If I cannot put this date together it will only be due to a TC guitar slinger equally ballzy to me either not reading my ad or not taking action if what I have written describes your life and you choose not to respond. Commas. Occasionally placing them in your sentences aids in the clarity of your statements. So, for those of us who couldn't pick out what that run-on monstrosity was, he's saying that if he can't put this show together, it's the fault of every guitarist who decides not to join his band. It ain't a beauty contest anymore in our lives; and I still have enough to cover for you, anyway. None of that shit made any sense. Can you play electric and make dynamic noise? Dynamic noise?

If you don't play guitar and are reading this just to be entertained, maybe you know someone who might be a fit. Have them check me out. Please don't. Not unless you want to ruin their day. Even if they are not in the TC, I'll talk to anyone who has an original style to compliment mine and wants more specifics.

A commitment to booking the venue has to be finalized before too long. I will re-post this ad only one more time unless I connect with the right player who might be just now finishing the chapter titled, "Might Vincent meet his match in Minneapolis?"; That sounds like an ad for a dating website. from a saga far beyond Lady Gaga. I thought you said you weren't gay.

And when I do, you all will know That reeks of impending doom.

We will
We will rock you. Please, show a little self-respect.

Please respond w/ a phone number and good time to reach you.

ciao for now... Kiss my ass.

  • Location: Bloomington
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

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