09 September, 2011

It's Friday: Let's Piss Off Mary Ann!

Because I shift gears uncontrollably, earlier this week I left behind my Purple Rain kick and fixated on a childhood favorite: Gilligan's Island.
Now, because I bring my personal computer into the office with me and set it next to the office computer, I've developed the nasty habit of IMDb'ing and Wikipedia'ing the movies and TV I watch as I watch them. I've developed a scrolling technique that keeps me from spoiling things. I'm weird like that.
So, while I'm presently twenty three episodes deep into season one, I've also managed to learn quite a bit about our castaways, particularly Mary Ann.
You see, Mary Ann smokes the chronic.

Among various other recreational plants.
You see, in 1998, Bob Denver, you know, Gilligan, was busted for one of the dumbest things you can do: signing for a FedEx package full of pot. Reports1 2 3 vary as to the actual amount, but most seem to agree that the amount was around 30g - 35g; in other words, a pretty fat O-Z. (The site Friends of Cannabis claims it was an ounce and a half, making it the weight approximately 42.5g.) So what does this have to do with Dawn Wells? Oh, a little something having to do with if you had bothered to visit any of the sources I linked to, they share one common thread: Denver fingered Wells. And, if we can count on Friends of Cannabis being a credible news source (Like we can count on High Times, right?), there was also the matter of sixteen cancelled checks made out to Wells found in Denver's home for amounts ranging from US$340 to US$700... What could Bob Denver be sending checks of those size to his former Gilligan's Island co-star for? Sounds kind of... Yes, 'suspicious' is the right word.
In the end, though, Denver testified that "some crazy fan must have sent it."
'Some crazy fan must have sent it'? Are you for fucking real, Bob? You know what crazy fans send people? They send mail bombs.
OK. So now it just sounds like I've lost faith in the goodness of my fellow man and suspicion has gotten the better of me, inflating my senses of doubt and caution into full-blown paranoia. And you're right. I even x-ray my student loan bills out on the front lawn before I even take them in the house. My Lane Bryant catalogs, however...

Those go right in the house.
At any rate, Bobby gave a flimsy but passable testimony and Dawn sweated the media for a little while. And then time passed as time does and 1998 gave way to 2007. In 2007, Wells got pulled over for reckless op. In the car, Idaho police found a little something. And by something, I mean roaches. And by roaches, I don't mean she had a bug problem. Of course, Dawn knows the classics and pulled the tried and not even close to true, "Yo, shit aint mine, B" defense, a tactic employed by teenagers in the faces of parents and teachers alike since time immemorial. As if by divine providence, a friend of Wells' - an unnamed friend, mind you - came forward to admit that the four roaches and accompanying paraphernalia were his4 and he had left them in the car after having driven it that day.
Let's see if we can make sense of this: Somebody, in one day, had clam baked the shit out of Mary Ann's car. It makes only slightly more sense after she claims that other people - people, that's plural - had been using her car all day long. Again, only slightly more sense. People, multiple people, can rip through four joints but it still smells like bullshit... and the interior of a clam baked car. 1: How could she not smell that shit? 2: Who just loans out their car to 'people'? Nobody does that.
But, anyhow, let's listen to Dawn tell it herself. If you can stand - I don't know, anything about The View, here's Dawn telling it like it is:

I love how, at 2:38, Joy Behar thinks nobody knows what a roach is.
At 2:45, Whoopi thinks Dawn didn't know what it was.


"Oh! She knew."
And if you want Dawn's official statement on the matter, you can visit her site where she has posted this statement... and her coconut cream pie recipe. (Come on, aren't we all just a little more interested in that?)
So, I'm just going to come out and say it: Dawn, baby, it's cool. You don't have to keep it underground. I know you have a wholesome image to keep up but for what? Just come on out. Steve McQueen did it. Paul Newman did it. And even more importantly, my favorite college instructor who was named Mary Ann did it. So, for me, Dawn, just come on out of the closet. And quit clam baking in there, too, you're running out of Visine.

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