15 August, 2011

Your Weekly Musicians' Ads

Hey, remember when you were first learning your instrument? Remember when it meant something to you to create something new? Remember how the goals you aimed for were things like "originality" and "individuality" and "art" and "expression" and so on? (And how if you were a fourteen year old guy, those were just the lies you told yourself so you wouldn't have to admit that the only reason you were learning an instrument was to get pussy?) Remember all the places you thought your talents would take you? Remember the amazing things you thought you'd do? Remember how you were going to be a rebel and laugh at all the corporate stooges who grew old and fat on their plantations built from old oil money? Remember all those values you held?
And now, after all this time, after all that work and sacrifice and learning, this is where your talents took you.

Creative Musician (Twin Cities)


Date: 2011-08-13, 8:22PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

We are looking for a musician to create a musical piece for our contemporary - luxury men's products - business..

  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Old School... (Forest Lake Area)


Date: 2011-08-13, 5:53PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

I am a seasoned veteran player. I have played with the likes of Eddie Van Halen, No shit? Paul Reed Smith, Reb Beach, and Mick Fleetwood, No shit? among others. I played in NY with Beatles Forever. OK, now I get you. You didn't actually play with any of these guys, you were just in a cover band that happened to play the same state fair as them. Got it. I have played with many of the acts in town. This town? I play acoustic and electric guitar and sing vocals on many old school rock songs. Mainly from the seventies, and some eighties. These are the cream of the crop from the era, and some are deeper cuts that people haven't heard maybe since they were made or released. SSSooo... cover band?

This is the thing... I need a couple of really good musicians like me Like you. that can step up. Maybe you've sat in the basement too long, or are getting older and want to give it a go again, I don't care. Be open to whatever may come. To fill this gig I need the following musicians with incredibly good gear. Bass Guitar, Keyboards, Percussion. You need to be able to stand up to abrupt key signature changes You mean putting my hand in a different spot on my stringed plank of wood? I think I can handle that. - time signature changes, Watch this: 1 2 3. 1 2 3 4. I can count to three. I can count to four. Watch, I'll do it again. 1 2 3. 1 2 3 4. See? Not a problem. So unless you're planning on playing something like "Blue Rondo à la Turk", quit spazzing. have fluid chops, and be able to follow the soundscape. Did you just say that? In public? Not too hard if your a natural. I care not about your age.
I do not have an attitude, That one's going to you, Iceman. but I expect you to be able to pull your weight.

Now the fun part;
Aerosmith, Pre-rehab era, yes. ELP, No. Clapton, No. Deep Purple, Eh. TDN, Who? Rush, No. Floyd, No. Zeppelin, Meh. Zappa, Meh. Beatles, Meh. Slaughter, Did you just say that? In public? Fleetwood Mac, No. VH 1-2, You seriously like the Sammy Hagar era Van Halen? Fuck. Moody Blues, Meh. etc,etc, etc....Blues when I get the itch.

You get the picture.

DON'T have any alcohol,drug, wife, kid, or financial hardships to bring to the party, period. SSSooo... you're a stick in the mud with an inability to form deep, long lasting emotional bonds with a significant other with whom you would've otherwise procreated and you know how to balance a check book. Whoopity doopity.

I can audition you anytime. Oh, you want me to impress you. Got it. Fuck off.

xxx-xxx xxxxx xxxxx-xxxx
XXX

Mail me with questions or responses if you don't catch my phone.


  • Location: Forest Lake Area
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Free bagpipe lessons for drummers (Osseo/Maple Grove)


Date: 2011-08-14, 9:13PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Full set of bagpipes not necessary to get started. Lessons are given on Wednesday nights at 6:30. Huh.

  • Location: Osseo/Maple Grove
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

looking for technically advanced musicians/performers (Twin Cities)


Date: 2011-08-14, 9:40AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

OK! Here's the scoop. The Xxxxxxxxx are looking for a lead guitarist and a keyboardist. Both need to be talented, facile, Facile? Are you sure you're using that word right? and motivated. They need to know their instrument as well as they know their music. We need musicians who are as comfortable with ballad-rock What's that funny taste in my mouth? Oh, yeah, my vomit from having just thrown up a little. as they are with the edgy metal. Edgy. If we get the right people, we can put this baby together in a month, do a showcase or two, and then start gigging.

The Xxxxxxxxx is an original band. Listen to our music--see links below--but be aware that it may be more difficult than it sounds. Uh-huh. You must be responsive to the lyrics and music. Yeah, sometimes we need a little poetry. It's not all boom-shot/boom-shot; this is not warmed-over disco, it's not Haus music. It's not spelled that way. You're just making yourself look more douchetastic. Our lead vocal/song writer is also The person writing this ad. a guitarist, Oh. and the music is arranged so that the two guitars compliment each other, rather than duplicated each other. Don't you just love when they get pompous like this and want to show off how oh! so intellectual they are and how original and against the grain their music is? Our keyboardist(You) I'm not a keyboardist. Because I learned to play a man's instrument. also shares both rhythm and lead duties, and listening to the songs will give you all a good idea of the texture of the Xxxxxxxxx mix.

We have a CD ready for release. Two of the musicians on the CD, however, don't live in Minnesota, so they won't be part of the band. Our business plan Business plan? Business plan? It's a fucking band, junior, what are you doing? Applying for a fucking bank loan for start up capital? Are you going to wear a tie to practice? Are you going to show prospective band mates your portfolio and projected revenue intake outlooks for the 2012 fiscal year? Is that what you're going to do? Fuck. is that the CD promotes the band Yes. and, likewise, the band promotes the CD. No. The band documents their performance of a particular set of songs and commits said document to a medium for playback for posterity and, yes, to promote themselves and maybe turn a bit of revenue. But the band is not a commercial shill for their recording. Initial repertoire will include the 11 songs on the CD, but we will be preparing new material, as well.

Helps if you can sing, back up for sure and even lead if you're up for it. Song writers are welcome. They can only help enrich the mix of what the Xxxxxxxxx want to offer. Also, We have a ZERO TOLLERANCE for hate policy. No homophobes or religious freaks allowed.

There you have it.
Here would've been the links if I hadn't removed them.

  • Location: Twin Cities
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 2512167170

2 comments:

  1. For the old-school forest lake area ad, I believe TDN stands for Three Dog Night. Which would garner the response "Did you just say that? In public?" from me.

    ReplyDelete

 
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