19 August, 2011

It's Friday: Let's Piss Off Simply Red... Haters!

Remember yesterday's post? Yeah. For those of you younguns in the crowd, the 90s wasn't all Nirvana and Seinfeld and Frank Kozik. The 90s was a real time that has not aged well. Look at Beverly Hills 90210. That show was synonymous with vapidity. Look at the Spice Girls. Really. If anything ever set feminism back, it was the cloying intrusive antics of five candy-colored women who tried to cover up that their empty, shallow pop music was empty and shallow by slapping the slogan "girl power" to everything they did so that if anybody dared to say that it was empty and shallow, those detractors would be called misogynists. You think Iraq started with the Twin Towers attack? No-ho-ho. It started back in the 90s when Iraq invaded Kuwait and Bush I said, "But I want that oil!" That was the 90s, motherfuckers. I got to live that shit.
And let me guarantee you: Clinton was that slick.
Where was I going with this again?
Oh, yeah. I large portion of the 90s actually sucked. Consider, for example, Simply Red.

AKA: The guy who chose to look like this. In public.
If you go digging through Simply Red's career, you'll find a lot of English blue-eyed soul (And would you believe that blue-eyed soul is a thing?) that seemed to hit its craptastic peak in the 90s. In the 80s? It was like he was aiming to be good and then in the 90s he was... ew. And we can all agree on that. Nobody's going to go against popular convention there. No. We're all going to be sheep on this one and rely on half-memories from over fifteen years ago to base our seething hatred of one man and his craft and how dare any of us ever say, "You know, that guy's got a decent set of pipes and his white-washed brand of unstirring music neither excites or upsets me"? No. We're just going to hate him.
And certainly none of us will ever point out that, even though you can't trust Wikipedia any further than you can vandalize it, apparently Simply Red started as a punk band. And there's no way in hell we will ever look for clips of those early songs by the Frantic Elevators - as Wikipedia claims they were known as then - on YouTube to verify said claim. And there's no possible way in the wee baby Jesus's asshole that we're ever going to listen to said Frantic Elevators with said guy from Simply Red and say, "Fuck. I dig this."

There's no way any of us would ever do that.
It's not like we would find a clip like the above one we would never look for and say, "That kind of reminds me a little of the Sex Pistols or the Damned or something. A little." And we would certainly never find another clip that would remind us a little, just a little, of Joy Division while featuring a totally recognizable image of Simply. (Or does he go by Red?)

Especially not a clip where his voice is that of a pissed off twenty something instead of an English blue-eyed soul singer.
And we would never, ever note that Frantic Elevators were such a diverse band that that song we just so didn't look up and never said anything about sounding like any goddamned Joy Division was the B-Side to a loud, ramshackle, reggae-esque song. We would never point out that the band was capable of pulling off early-Beatles type tunes. Not in a million years.
And why? Why will we never say anything to the contrary? Because we are haters. Haters. HHHaaattteeerrrsss. It's like this: Do you know how much of a hater I am? I broke up with a perfectly nice woman simply because of her previous choice in occupation. That's right. I could be nearly perfectly but not really happy right now with a sexy redheaded spitfire but no! I had to be a hater. That's my level of commitment to hating. I find a perceived flaw? I run with that fucker.
So if I only barely remember Simply Red as something that I hated once in my teens, then, goddamnit, I'm going to keep hating no matter what. No. Matter. What. And I sure as shit won't be checking out his punk band.

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