01 August, 2011

How do we begin August? With your weekly musician's ad.

Need a professional critique of your music?

Date: 2011-07-30, 10:13AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Are you a new band that wants an honest opinion of your songs? Negative. I am a meat popsicle. Or an established band that is wanting "Wants". Not "is wanting", "wants". some no B.S. review of your recorded material? Are you looking to take your music to the next level, but nobody will give you any straight forward input? You mean that the people in my band - the people whose input actually counts - have stopped talking to me? If you have a recording and want a critique of your music for those reasons or any other, I've got a deal for you! No good has ever come from any proposal with those six words in the preamble. I'm offering to help you reach your goals with a real, non-ego stroking review that will go over both the good and bad of each of your songs. Let me get this straight: You're going to give me your opinion and that will help me reach my goals...

This is a professional critique of your music. Professional??? My regular rates You charge!? Are you fucking kidding me? are $20 for a demo (3-4 songs) WWhhaatt the ffuucckk?? and $50 for a full album (up to 12 songs). Oh my god. Oh... my god. Why do I charge? Yes, why do you charge? Because I give you a product worth paying for. "A product worth paying for"? It's your fucking opinion. I spend a lot of time on it (a 3 song demo takes approximately 4-5 hours of nonstop work to complete, No, it doesn't. No it fucking doesn't. and is usually around 5 pages long Five pages!? Are you translating the fucking Rosetta Stone?), and you will have rights to the review Thank god for that! Lord knows if anybody reviewed a KRAKOA record that I'd want exclusivity rights to their opinion. (you can quote it on your websites, documents, promotional items, etc as long as you properly credit me). I will snail-mail a hard copy to you, as well as email a copy.

Highlights of the critique:
*In depth analysis each song (including reviews for each instrument) Uh-huh.
*Real life application What on Earth are you talking about? It's music ferfucksake, it's applied to real life by virtue of music being a thing that occurs in real life. Don't need to dig any deeper there, Dr. Jones.
Get it? Because Indiana Jones is an archaeologist and archaeologists dig and... forget it.

*Explaination of things in easy to understand terms. Don't talk down to me, junior; I know "big words". I can spell them, too. Maybe I could give you an explanation some time.
*Unbiased Opinion Exactly. It's an opinion. Your opinion is not worth fifty of a working band's dollars.

Examples of sections of the critique:
At a glance (first impression after one listen) Uh-huh.
Nitty Gritty (analysis broken down by instrument) Right.
Overall feel Diggin' right in.
Lyrical content/style Tell me all about my precious words.
Radio Worth Because you have how many songs on the radio?
One Song Essentials (questions answered based on one song- "would I go to a show based on this one song?", Nobody goes to a show based on one song. That's why bands always post more than one song online. "Would I buy the album if I only heard this song? I nearly bought that Harvey Danger record because of "Flagpole Sitta". But then I didn't. I did with the Vines because of "Get Free", though. If so, How much?", etc, etc)
Summary (by song) And then you summarize all of it? Damn!
and much, much more... It just keeps getting worse.

Why should you trust my opinons? Yes! Tell us why, oh sage one, we should not only trust but pay for your opinions. Here's little about myself:
*Been performing music for the majority of the past 18 years (from classical music to heavy metal, and genres in between) So, what I'm picking up from you is that if I keep going with this whole "musician phase" that my parents are waiting for me to grow out of for another two years, then I can start charging money up in this bitch? I knew learning guitar and smoking pot instead of doing my homework would pay off one day!
*Classical music training There it is! There it damn is! Classical musician snobbery. Only musician more arrogant than a guitarist is anyone with their precious, pretentious, "classical music training". So cultured! So refined! So much more sophisticated than us proles down in the trenches with our electric instruments.
*Stage and studio experience Whatever.
*Brutally honest, and straight forward Can I give up yet? He's actually wearing me out a little and I'm really close to resorting to repeating "fuck you" over and over again.

Lastly, my goal is to help. Fuck you... see? I have no ego that needs stroking, Sure you don't. and I'm offering this as a service in my spare time because I love music. And by "music" he means "ripping off gullible musicians". I don't need the extra cash, But you still charge. but I give you something worth more than I'm charging. Oh, really fuck you.

If interested, No. respond to this ad with your contact information, No. and we can discuss the details and I can answer any questions you have. No. I usually have the review done within 2 weeks. Two weeks? To give your opinion? Jesus Hopscotch Christ. If it'll take longer, I'll let you know up front before payment. FUCK. YOU.


Remember, kids, you can submit your stuff to SD&A and get a free opinion.

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