05 July, 2011

An Open Letter to the Cycling Event Last Night at the Stone Arch Bridge

Dear Unidentified Cycling Event on the Stone Arch Bridge at around 1800-1900CDT, on 4 July, 2011,
We have to talk.
OK, first of all, being in a swarm of people in an enclosed area does not permit you to act like an idiot. Actually, if you plan on gathering one or two hundred of your closest friends, you may want to consider keeping it on the street and not on a twenty eight foot wide bridge where people have gathered with children and pets to watch the fireworks. You may want to consider that for all the bitching us fellow cyclists do about pedestrians in our bike lanes, it's dumb and irresponsible and shitty for any of us (in this case, that would be you) to take to the pedestrian lanes simply because you outnumber them.
Also, the lanes on the bridge are pretty clearly marked: two outside lanes for pedestrians and two inside lanes for cyclists arranged like regular traffic lanes so that you drive on the right. I get that you have a shit ton of people and so could not keep it in your lane. You probably shouldn't have organized a thing for one to two hundred people (a safer estimate in my mind would be one hundred twenty to one hundred fifty but it's hard to count you idiots) to occur on a twenty eight foot wide bridge spanning the very site where a fireworks display was going to occur on the fourth of fucking July. That was stupid.
What gets me though, is that there I was, in my lane, going in the right direction, mindful of the pedestrians with their little pedestrian kids, and along here came your dumb ass. And after crowding the lanes and causing a few close calls, one of your legion has the unmitigated goddamned gall to yell at me, "You're going the wrong way!"
No, I wasn't going the wrong way, Unidentified Cycling Event, and if you find the royal yeastie cunt-tard that said that shit to me, please inform him. I was in my lane going in my direction.
Now, if Danny Bonadouchebag there was trying to invite me to join, that's the next point I'm going to get to: Solidarity among cyclists.
We're not a fucking cult, Unidentified Cycling Event. Some of us bike to be ecologically conscious. Some of us bike to be economically conscious. Some of us bike to keep in shape. Some of us bike for leisure. And some of us bike to pick up Asian chicks.

I would so give her the ol' nonexistent carbon monoxide footprint.
Does that even make any sense?
So, hey, maybe if I'm not going in the same direction, maybe if I'm not dressed like you (more on that in a minute), and maybe if I'm shooting you dirty looks when you get too close, I don't want to join. I'm not one of your clan or club or even on your mailing list. Yeah, I'm Facebook friends with Critical but they didn't send me shit about yesterday's gathering. So I think it might not have been them but if it was them and that makes them you, this is for you, Critical Mass.
If it was some other bike function, yeah, you can disregard all of this. Unless you do the same stupid shit as these douche-monkies. Bringing me back to the solidarity thing: If you want real solidarity among us cyclists, maybe try giving a shit about other cyclists who don't want what you want. Maybe acting like a bunch of oblivious hipsters isn't really all that cool and you should watch out and give way to the family trying to make a right turn when you're going left. Yes, you outnumber them. No, this does not mean they should wait on you. There are two fucking hundred of you and there's four of them. They have to go slow because the five year old has legs as long your cellphone and requires training wheels. You? You're out there everyday with one pant leg rolled up, zipping through downtown rush hour traffic like you're making the Kessel Run; yielding to lone cyclists and smaller groups will not hurt you, you will catch back up with your group.
So, yeah, yesterday, a couple in your ranks pissed me off. Yes, I bumped into one - she was OK looking, too - and I'm pretty sure I may have caused two to bite it. I needed to make a right turn, your crew was going left. I thought I had an opening, some scat-porn-fluffer decided to close that gap. He didn't do it fast enough, I got there first, and I didn't look back to see if he simply turned hard to avoid me (my presence not exactly being a surprise as he saw me in the first fucking place) or kissed asphalt. I didn't care.
Then, about three blocks later, thinking I had gone right and you had gone left and I was done interacting with you for the evening, your throng came barreling up Washington (going W/NW, I was on 3rd going S/SE) and, with three cars behind me, I thought for sure that I had the right of way when the light turned green. Do your numbers stop when you get a red light? Some, but you definitely had an inordinately large number of assholes in your ranks last night because, again, I go where I have a gap and two of your buttplugged snotty twats decided they want to come at me perpendicularly simply for no other reason than they could. Out of the twenty or so blowing the red light, these two degenerate jerkoffs were staring right at me. And one of them lost. I did not look back to see if he braked or if he fell. And, brother, 3rd and Wash is not the intersection to fall down. Me? I got in to the left turn lane a block down and took 2nd Ave. Whatever.
But here's the thing, Unidentified Cycling Event. Remind some of your crew that you are not emergency vehicles. You are not a funeral procession. You have no legal right or substantial reason to blow a red light. I know that in some cities, you want to try to raise awareness of cyclist deaths from car accidents. Blowing through red lights is not the smartest way to go about it. Not unless you've got some kamikazes or martyrs for the cause.
I get it. You start flying at a pretty good clip and then you have to wait on a red light? It's a fucking drag. You know what else is a fucking drag? Getting hit by a fucking car, dipshit. You get a red light, wait it out. You'll get to where you're going, don't worry.
So here's what I'm proposing (as somebody completely removed from your whole thing), Unidentified Cycling Event, because I know you totally give a shit about my opinion:
  1. Whoever's in charge of organizing a particular meet should probably pick a course that can actually accommodate a group of your size with only minimal disruption to the goings on of other cyclists and pedestrians.
  2. Don't present a safety hazard to others, this ties into Rule 1's clause regarding disruption.
  3. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the size of your group entitles you to road ownership. Relating back to Rule 2, this is presenting a safety hazard to yourselves. (For example, last night at 3rd and Wash, I thought I saw a gap. I'm sure the guy in the car behind me thought the same thing. But a handful of asshats from your party thought otherwise. I'm on a bike and can weave through. A car is definitely going to knock your ass over.)
  4. I have more of a right of way than you do. That's not a saying, that's me saying. I seriously think I'm better than you and everybody else and everybody should yield to me and bend to my whims.
Now, remember what I said earlier about me not being dressed like you? That's because I was dressed.
For those of you reading along, notice how I placed a full stop after 'dressed'.
You see, last night, whoever organized this Critical Mass or flash mob or general disturbance of the peace or carnival of otherwise-rational-people-sprinkled-with-cock-tarded-hipster-assholes or whatever you'd call it, decided that everybody was going to ride in their underwear. Now I get that not everything has to have a reason. Some things, you just do them to do them. Whatever. And while I'm in no position to dictate how people have their fun - and, hey, it looked like they were having great fun last night - and I'm all about people being comfortable with their bodies and everybody has a different body and it sounds elitist to say who has a body they can show off and other people have bodies they should keep wrapped up and blah blah blah, man, some of them needed to put some damned clothes on.
That the person I'm about to discuss is female is really going to make me sound misogynist is not lost on me but it's like this: I've dated big girls. I like all kinds of women and ninety percent of the time she just has to vote democrat and have all of her teeth to get me going. I've dated them short, I've dated them tall, I've dated them skinny, I've dated them fat, I've dated them smart, I've dated them stupid, I've dated them gentle, I've dated them mean, and those are the ones I legitimately dated.* The ones I've simply bedded go into way more diverse and disparate categories. So, now that I've completely lost my train of thought in trying to preempt what will undoubtedly be taken the wrong way by some, let's get back to pointing out what's up with one woman's body.
I get it. Maybe it's glandular, maybe it's metabolic, that's her body. Fine. We all have our own and should probably worry more about our own than others'. But when it's to the point that your tits are fat enough to hang over the bra - yes, her tits were hanging up and over the top of the cups; it was like she had two little fat men on her chest with bellies hanging over their jeans, I swear to fuck and back that I am not making this up - just go get a larger bra. It's OK to not be an A cup. If you're a D cup, don't wear an A cup. If you have to wear an A cup - and fuck knows why you would ever have to wear an A cup for any reason other than actually being an A cup but I don't have tits so maybe a lady-reader can explain it to me - don't wear the A cup on the day that you go biking in a throng of people in your underwear. I've seen and even done some fucked up shit in my thirty years but never have I seen a woman whose tits were too fat for her bra biking past me at fifteen miles per hour. Just saying.

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