15 July, 2011

It's Friday: Let's Piss Off Rumpelstiltskin! (No, we're seriously doing that.)

Yes, last week, J-Do saved you all by putting a word in a box. That word was "Rumpelstiltskin".
Now, until our next subject comes in, prepare to suffer... our theme!

PUT A WORD IN THE BOX AND I'LL MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY.
OK. So Rumpelstiltskin.
As memory serves, there was some bird who had to spin golden thread and couldn't do it so some little troll showed up and told her he could do it but she had to pay him with her first born and then she got out of it by guessing his name. After glancing at the infallible bastion of knowledge that is Wikipedia, it turns out that I'm not that far off. Let's break down the story for the unfamiliar:
Some goon goes down to the pub and starts talking some shit about how his daughter can weave gold. So word starts getting around about this goon whose daughter spins gold because - and this is where we'll come in - nobody thought to call bullshit. Really? I mean, I know that this is a pretty old story and it's a story meant for children but as uneducated as children might have been two hundred years ago, they weren't retarded. If anything, the whole intro to this story just seems like somebody talking down to their kid, expecting them to believe that not one reasonable adult was present on the evening in question and would remind the bar's patronage that the guy shooting his mouth off was drunk and that they were drunk and maybe everybody should take a breather and a nice little cat nap before they go repeating this guy's bullshit story like it was gospel truth.
So then the king of whichever country this was caught wind of this story and decided he wanted to meet this young woman and locked her in a room with a spinning wheel, demanding that she spin gold for him or he'd kill her. Are you fucking kidding me? Even the king was retarded? What dumbshit backwater country was this?
Let's hit the points one by one.
  1. The king, the guy in charge of an entire country, was duped by some drunk asshole's story.
  2. The king went out and basically kidnapped this woman and locked her in a room simply because. No. That's the end of the sentence. Just because. Can anybody here say "Guantanamo"?
  3. The king demanded that this woman spin gold for him or he would kill her. Obviously, neither geology, diplomacy, or human rights were any of this dipshit's fields of study.
The daughter can't spin gold and so resigns herself to her fate on the first night, basically waiting to die in the morning. That's about the time when she gets a visit from a little troll who pops in and says he can do it. Because we're dealing with a world where troll's exist (and not just on the internet), we're also dealing with a world where gold can be spun. The daughter says the Olde English (or whichever language they spoke then) equivalent of "Go for it". Actually, I find no fault with her course of action. What the hell else could she do? Turn down the offer.
The troll, however, isn't doing this for free. She's being held captive. She'll be killed. What kind of dick move is this? What kind of lesson is this teaching kids? Only help the downtrodden and defenseless if they can pay for it?
According to Wikipedia, she gives the troll her necklace on the first night and the troll goes to town with the spinning. On the second night, she gives up her ring and the troll goes to town. On the third night, she has no jewelry left and so the troll says that he'll just take her first born child. The daughter agrees to this and the troll goes to town. OK, I get that we're dealing with a fucking troll here but, really, how in fuck you goin' to make the jump from jewelry bartering to child trafficking? Really. And how come she went with it? How come she didn't say, "Hey, I've got a really nice pair of earrings"? Was she ugly? Did she think she wasn't going to ever get laid and push out a baby? The troll goes from just being a dick to being a super creepy dick and she just goes with it? I'm never telling my children this fucking story. Full of retarded villagers and pedophile trolls and human rights violations.

"Quit fooling yourself, you're never going to give me grandchildren."
Well, the king just got three nights of gold thread out of the daughter, so instead of letting her go, he decides to marry her. Things are going swimmingly in the royal household and the daughter, now the queen, has her first child, the prince. The troll comes back to remind her of her debt. WHOA WHOA WHOA slow the fuck down! Instead of freeing the daughter, the king says, "No. You know what? I'm going to marry you." Does this poor woman have any goddamned say in what the hell happens to her? It's beginning to dawn on me that this is one of the more misogynist stories I've ever heard; all of her problems come from either an old asshole or a troll. Her father is an old drunk asshole who makes up some bullshit story about her. The townsmen are drunk assholes who repeat the lie ad nauseum. The king is a power-crazed old asshole who just throws his authority all over the place. And on top of this, she has to deal with some creepy pedo-troll. Nowhere in this story does anybody ever ask this poor woman what she wants. You know what? Fuck her dad. Fuck the king. Fuck the troll. Fuck the police comin' straight from the underground. Young nigga got it bad 'cause I'm brown.
Understandably, the queen doesn't want to give her child to the troll. So the troll says he'll make her another deal: He'll give her three nights in which to guess his name. If she can pull it off, she can keep her baby. What kind of happy horseshit is this?
The troll comes by on the first night and the queen reads off a list of all the names she could think of and find. None are the troll's. The troll comes by on the second night and the queen reads off a list of all the foreign names she can produce. None are the troll's. Knowing that tomorrow night is her last chance, she sends a woodsman or a royal guard or something but, hey, they were all woodsmen back then, whatever the fuck a woodsman is out to follow the troll and spy on him, see if maybe there's any chance of discovering his name. What the fuck does a woodsman do, anyway? Like, is that his job? Just hang out in the woods or something? What do you figure a woodsman brings home per week?
The woodsman comes across a little clearing with a little fire and finds a little troll dancing away and singing a song about how he'll soon have the child in his possession and the woodsman I mean really. What does a woodsman do? puts two and two together Oh. and keeps an ear on the troll's little song and discovers the trolls name. Or at least thinks he does, it's an awfully awkward and unusual name, not one he's ever heard of before. None the less, he writes the name down in the word program on his Blackberry and runs back to the palace to tell the queen. OK, first of all, really. What the fuck is a woodsman? They're in every fucking ferry tale from Snow White to Sleeping Beauty to Little Red Riding Hood. What the fuck do these guys do? What is their actual purpose? Do they have a union? Secondly, what grown person sings songs with their name as a part of the lyrics? Thirdly, how is the woodsman going to see the queen? Was palace security just kind of a thing back then? Any grubby musty leaf-covered motherfucker could just waltz right in and go right up to the queen and have a little face time? This story's just full of holes.
On that third night, the troll comes into the palace - Really. Great job, royal guards. You know, this wouldn't even be a thing if you could've just kept the troll from getting past you. - sure that the child would be his when the queen declared his name, "Rumpelstiltskin!" and the troll screamed a horrible scream and disappeared in a puff of smoke. That was the version I heard, anyhow. Wikipedia says there's a version where the troll drives his right foot into the ground so hard it gets stuck. Instead of finding a sensible solution to this new dilemma, the troll grabs himself by the left foot and rips himself in half.
WHISKEY.
TANGO.
FOXTROT.
This is what people told their kids before they went to sleep? Really? I thought the aim of telling your kids a story to get them to go to sleep was to not give them nightmares that would have them waking up two or three times a night and pissing themselves and wanting to sleep between you and your spouse. I don't know, I'm not a parent, but it seems to me that if you tell a little kid some Texas Chainsaw Massacre shit before they go to bed, you can kiss fucking your significant other goodbye for the rest of the night.
And, really, what a final dick move from the troll. Do you have any idea how much of a mess ripping a body in half produces? Probably severely fucked up the royal rugs and such. Just to piss off the queen because he couldn't have her kid, he has to throw such a melodramatic temper tantrum that he not only kills himself but does it in the messiest manner possible, just to make her servants clean it up. Do you have any idea how messy opening up a body is?

This is an example of a body of a deer opened by wolves.
And, hey, how come he didn't lie? How come he didn't just say, "Rumpelstiltskin? What kind of bullshit name is that? No, just give me the kid."?
You know what? Fuck this story right up its misogynist ass. Not one part of this story, when you sit back and think about it sensibly, makes any damned sense and everybody is just out to pull some dick move. You know?
Why didn't the queen have the woodsman straight kill Rumpelstiltskin on sight? On the first night, even. And if she's the queen, why doesn't she go ahead and throw her father in the gulag for getting her into this mess in the first place. And how about she does something about the education system for these yokels? I mean really. Fuck. She's apparently the smartest person in the story and yet has nothing but shit handed to her left and right. It's like a precursor to Idiocracy.

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