01 July, 2011

How do we begin July? On a Friday: Let's Piss Off Republicans!

It's hard to come up with topics when you're back on the three single / two double shift schedule. After all, what did I do yesterday but watch season one of The League and a couple movies? (By the way, check out Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. I'm not a Michael Cera fan but I found him at least likable in this one. It's also got Mary Elizabeth Winstead - the cheerleader from Death Proof* - and Kieran Culkin - the good Culkin. There's also a bad-assed Beck soundtrack that sounds like the heavier stuff Beck was doing on Mellow Gold.)
But I wake this morning, cloudy headed from the previous night's alcohol...
... and hear that my government, my state government, has shut down.
What does this mean? Basically that the parks are closed.
Seriously.
Oh, and the revenue service or some such other shit is closed, too, but nobody cares about that so fuck it.
Me? I care about the post office being open and that's under the federal government's watch and, last I checked, the federal government was still up and running. (And the jokes! The jokes just flood the mind!)
But today people are going on a tear about the Republicans and, I've got to say, I don't see much reason to disagree. Generally, my little illiterati, you know I come to you with my left-leaning bent when we get political up in here ("here" being a blog with a proposed focus on DIY home recording) and sometimes I'm down right socialist on a few topics but I like to think that I occasionally see the other side's point of view and maybe even agree with them in one or two areas. Granted, neither of those areas come to mind so I could be talking out of my ass on this one.
You see, the reason why I'm blaming the Reps on this one is because months ago, back during the midterm elections, you may remember that a popular catchphrase through out the GOP was "no compromise". They were going to play it hard, they were going to play it mean, and they were going to stick to their guns because - oh, you're going to love this - that's what the people wanted.
The people in question, it should be noted, were a newly minted small contingent of Fox News-fed malcontents with little to no understanding of tax distribution and plenty of free time and pickets laying around called the Tea Party.
BY THE WAY, I'M GOING QUICK AND DIRTY ON THIS ONE, SO I WILL BE DOING NEXT TO NO RESEARCH AND RELYING MORE OR LESS ON EIGHT MONTH OLD MEMORIES.
The no compromise approach that the GOP adopted was backed by the small fringe element of the Tea Party to the point where there were nothing but Tea Party candidates. Any candidate that compromised was now too soft and could not be a Tea Partier.
And all you had to do to get the backing of the Tea Party was do the no compromise thing along with the whole lying about Obama thing and you were in. You didn't even have to be qualified. Don't believe me?
Please go to Google right now and look up Christine O'Donnell. Check her credentials. I'm sure that somewhere in there you'll find the video of her claiming masturbation is adultery in your heart... Ho! Wait, I found it for you.
OK, so that's just funny and she looks like a fucking idiot in that one. OK, whatever. How about we take a look at something actually government rela- Yeah, how about the time that her opponent in a debate, Chris Coons, had to read the first amendment to her because she was shocked to find out about the separation of church and state? Why don't you Google tha- Nevermind, I found it.
There it is. She didn't even know what was in the fucking first amendment and the Tea Party still threw their backing behind her.
Sarah Palin, the woman who makes me hategasm in my jeans, is a Tea Party favorite as well. She doesn't even know what the fuck Paul Revere did.** Six year olds know what Paul Revere did. Sarah Palin, a forty seven year old woman, doesn't know what Paul Revere did.
You know how the Tea Party responded when they found this out? Were they enraged over this woman's unpatriotic skewering of the facts? No! They tried to change the Wikipedia entry for Paul Revere to reflect her answer. They literally tried to rewrite history.
And for some reason, some ghastly fucked up reason, the GOP wants that kind of stupid stupid shitty stupid uneducated shitheaded shitty shitty doofus-assed stupid dunderheaded shitty-shit-pantsed stupid support.
So they appeal to these stupid shitty people by espousing their stupid shitty ideals and they - wait for it - refuse to compromise with the Democrats. Did they at all think that "the people", the same "the people" that they love to mention whenever they get five minutes on TV, might be made up of Democratic, moderate, and even educated GOP voters that don't go in for this stupid shitty Tea Party rhetoric and bullshit? Did the GOP stop and think, "Hey, maybe a fringe element of uneducated hicks isn't the core demographic we should pay attention to and, quite possibly, we should show a willingness to compromise and cooperate with people who really do have the majority's best interest in mind despite having ideals opposite from ours while together making sure the government doesn't go tits up for a little while"?
NO, THEY FUCKING DIDN'T THINK THAT!
Why? Why? Is there a Republican reader here? Like not a reasonable Republican, either. I don't want someone I can have a rational conversation with, I want a crazy stupid ass who gets a tiny pink erection from thinking about making sure companies don't have to pay taxes because that creates jobs,*** I want that Republican. I want that Republican to tell me what kind of sense it makes to not cooperate with others for the best interest of the people. I want that Republican to tell me what that accomplishes because, hot fuck, I sure as hell can't tell. So, somebody, please, ring me up a Sean Hannity or a Glenn Beck - no. Actually don't do that. Don't. Just don't. Because it'll get ugly. I seriously fantasize about sodomizing their wives while they watch. Like they're bound and gagged and they have that Clockwork Orange get up on their eyes and I'm just plowing their wives' assholes bareback with an unreasonable lack of lube so hard that you could get a shampoo bottle up in there when I'm done and I'm wearing a fucking hammer and sickle t-shirt singing "Oh, Canada!" when I pull it out and go A2M on them. I mean, I really hate those guys. And fuck help them if either one of them has a teenage daughter because I'll pull a regular fucking commie-buttfuck all-nighter. I mean I really fucking hate those guys that much that I've thought about, regardless of whether their wives are even remotely attractive, plowing their wives lubelessly up the ass in front them while talking about health care and taxing the shit out of some rich folks. That's my twisted little nightmare so, for their sake, don't bring them here because shit will get ugly.
But, please, any other dumb shit stupid fucked up nationalist ignorant prick asshole backward rat bastard war mongering tax cutting gun toting bible thumping racist sexist homophobic flag-waving-like-flag-waving-in-and-of-itself-actually-fixes-things Republican - not a reasonable, even-tempered, Republican, I need an absolutely stupid motherfucker - please tell me what good you think you're doing. Please tell me how you can't possibly see how your actions are fucking things up. Please tell me how the government shutting down is not your problem or your fault when you're the ones who refused to compromise. Please tell me how you didn't foresee that this shut down was avoidable. I have to know because I have a morbid curiosity regarding how lunatics' brains work. Please, tell me how it is that you even think.

*Oh, and in case your ass was sleeping on it, this is what I'm talking about:

In this instance, the appropriate caption is
** Actually, Paul Revere, according to historical documents and not fables, was only one of many guys and, according to some apocryphal documents, did a half assed job and I think he may have even bowed out halfway through because he got drunk.
*** The GOP has been saying for years that if you tax the giant corporations that they won't create jobs. Well, guess what, fuckos? You've been cutting their taxes for decades and the only jobs they've created went overseas! Fuck the GOP!

Oh, just as a quick aside, be sure to check out Shutdown Shame.

ADDENDUM: I believe my lurid description of anal-pummeling above fulfills my Butt Week obligations.

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