06 June, 2011

Your Weekly Musicians' Ads

PRO BASS PLAYER NEEDED FOR TOURING IMMEDIATELY (Touring)


Date: 2011-06-06, 9:11AM CDT
Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com He's a Yahoo! user; that should tell you everything you need to know.

Pro Bass Player needed for touring situation immediately with Well Established Country Variety Band. Need to leave again in one week. A week? Wow, way to give a motherfucker the, you know, customary two weeks to clear this with his boss, make sure his girlfriend's OK with him taking off for a while, and find out if the neighbor kid can water his begonias.
Band has multiple agents And not one of these multiple agents has proved connected enough to keep you from having to resort to Craigslist. and is booked for a year ahead of time. THIS IS A FULL TIME SITUATION. 4-8 weeks out and two home
inbetween tours. Tell me you at least spent last week talking to all of your agents about a bassist. 400 a week starting. Eligible for company medical / dental insurance and 401K after six month probationary period. Must be able to sing good lead, and backup harmonies a big plus.! Good road gear, hard working and a good attitude.
Please send all promo to email address or call and leave a message and we will get back to you at x-xxx-xxx-xxxx

  • Location: Touring
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

Punk Band (River Falls)


Date: 2011-06-05, 2:53PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Anybody in the River Falls area into punkrock and wanna jam? got a place to do it at? I don't care what your age is just as long as you wanna write some music play some pissed off shit. What are you pissed off about? It's River Falls. Looks like a nice little town. I have a drum kit, and I play drums, OK, you're a drummer, stick with that. guitar, Don't. bass, Don't. and do vocals, Don't. whatever. No, not 'whatever'. Everybody plays guitar and, worse, everybody thinks they can play bass. You, though, you play drums. So you're a drummer. You'll get ahead a lot easier just saying you're a drummer. It's a college town, there's gotta be someone here who wants to fuck some shit up and have some fun. I don't care if you're sober or not. I don't care what age you are. You, uh, kind of pointed that out already. Lets make some cassettes or 7"'s like the old days. Which I kind of doubt you were around for. I have a ton of songs written. About how it sucks to live in a town where nobody gets murdered? Listen up, Junior: I know you think the whole boring small town scene thing sucks but go move to the big city. I'm not talking about that week you spent in Chicago one time. You saved your pennies for that trip and probably stayed in some halfway to decent digs. Go live there. Go see the kind of place you can afford. Go get some real street cred. I bet you River Falls will look awesome as shit.
So says the guy who lives rent free across from a nationally recognized art museum in what's known as the "Historic Mansion District".
I'll buy the beer. Just email be, lets do this.

  • Location: River Falls
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx


Seeking 2nd guitar (St. Anthony)


Date: 2011-06-03, 5:40PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

- Xxxxxx Xxxxxxx -
We play a hybrid hard rock/metal style. Think 5FDP + Korn + Stone Sour/Slipknot + taco stand Wait. There's a band called Taco Stand?
...
Oh.


We are seeking a second guitar player. Said guitar player is welcome to play rhythms and leads, including some harmonizing with the other guitar player.

Respond to ad if interested. Not really, I just wanted to do my Taco Stand joke.

  • Location: St. Anthony
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

OK, everyone take a deep breath...

Pot and Pan Band (Minneapolis)


Date: 2011-06-02, 12:43PM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

This aint cho old grampas band... Oh, fuck. He starts off like that?

I got all kinds of equipment: washboard, pizza pans, cookie sheets, woks, saucepans, skillets, meat tenderizers, spatulas, and mushroom shaped cookie cut-outs. Also a wide array of cups, from shot glasses to beer mugs, wine and martini glasses (which I'm willing to break, for the right musician/s). OOOOOOOKKKKKKK...

Lead instruments (played masterfully by me) Watch what he does here. are the kazoo and harp.

Now, I've had bandmates come and go for whatever reasons (but not because of me). No, it's because you're a grown man trying to start a band without any fucking instrument. What I'm looking for in a bandmate are: chillness; you must be cool, and into doing whatever I ask you to do, That sounds a bit... much. freaktasticness; And that basically confirmed it. this band will play many instruments, "... none of them, by the way, real... " interchanging very quickly between them... for stage presence, you must be able to stand on your head, do flips, and toss instruments to each other without missing a beat, OK! Fuck it! I'm calling it right here. FUCK THIS GUY. big egos; stop reading if you think you can't do this... awesomely, poorness; if you shop anywhere other than Goodwill/Salvation army, or own a house: GTFO, Yes, because being poor is cool. You know, I've lived under the poverty line my entire adult life and I can't think of anything cooler than the times that I was so poor that I had to decide between groceries and paying the bills every fucking paycheck. I actually sort of regret moving two notches higher on the still-below-the-poverty-line scale because now I'm not actually afraid of payday. That's right. Afraid of payday. That's fucking poor: When you're so poor you're afraid of money. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR STUPID FACE WITH YOUR BULLSHIT. and good taste.

We play parties (read: garages) only, No. FUCK YOU. though I have been approached by a few labels, No you fucking haven't you lying sack of shit. FUCK YOU. we're not going anywhere but down. If you are looking to get rich and famous, I'm sure there are many places that wouldn't mind buying your soul at a wholesale cost. Because you fucking know about these things. FUCK YOU.

Bands we try to imitate: Hey, how about you imitate a circus seal and come over here and blow me and three of my friends? Simon and Garfunkle, Beatles, Nickelback, Creed, Nirvana, Alanis Morrisette, L7, Bob Dylan, AC/DC, Metallica, 50 cent, Aqua and much more. Basically, we will play an infusion Hey, how about basically I slap the shit out of your mother for drinking while pregnant? of classic, rock and roll, and rap using pots, pans, meat tenderizers, Yeah? How about I tenderize your asshole with my cock? kazoos, etc. This band requires a lot of talent No, it won't. FUCK YOU. and commitment. No, it won't. FUCK YOU. We don't travel outside of minneapolis. Also, we will not stray too far from the type of music played by the previously mentioned bands. How about I don't stray too far from saying FUCK YOU?

If you KNOW you've got what it takes It's what your mother told me. to help this band put food on the table You want the band to put food on the table? Turn your 'instruments' right side up, fuck wad. and score some 'extra benefits', FUCK YOU. then contact me with a creative response. FUCK YOU. How does that sound? Also I would like to know which of these instruments you have played, I have a rusty trombone I let your mother play last night. and want to play. FUCK YOU.

  • Location: Minneapolis
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx

1 comment:

  1. Why the hostility towards pot man? Sounds like a nice time.

    ReplyDelete

 
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