09 June, 2011

Let's Piss and Moan about a "Reboot" of a Beloved Michael J. Fox Movie!

I went back down to the Writers' Workshop last night as I had two options for the evening: Hang around the house and have Captain Planet (Idiot 1 from this post.) go blah blah dude bro buddy blah in my ear all night asking how we can get other guests to keep our yard clean despite the fact that I was telling him again that he does not work here, there is no "we" or "our" or "us" or really anything that notes a collective possession of anything and thank you very much, I know how to do my job and no, there is no way to put it gently or kindly to people because people are fucking stupid and/or entitled and the minute I start saying 'please' up in this bitch is the minute I get walked over and yes, I do tell people that I can kick them out if they leave beer cans all over the patio, fuck you OR (this is option two, now) I could go to the Writers' Workshop.
Choice was pretty clear, all told.
Let's see. What else did I do yesterday?
I finally checked out that new Teen Wolf on MTV that's been advertised here and there.

Spoiler: It has next to nothing to do with this.
Because I don't suspect any of you, my little illiterati, would watch this shit (presumably because you're all full grown adults who stopped watching MTV long ago when they ghettoized all their music video content to three in the morning or something stupid like that) let me just break down MTV's Teen Wolf or, actually, the five minutes of MTV's Teen Wolf that I watched by repeatedly skipping ahead.
DISCLAIMER: I will not be finding pictures or links related to this new Teen Wolf and presenting them here, even for educational purposes, because it's an abomination and subjecting you to it would be considered a hate crime. If you really need to see it for yourself, please feel free to click this link that absolves me of any and all responsibility for your actions upon leaving the hallowed pages of Sound Design and Assembly.
  1. First of all, his name is not Scott. His name is Michael J. Fox and we all fucking know that. Nobody in the history of ever has ever called the character by his proper name because we knew who it really was: Michael Julius-Caesar Fox playing Michael Julius-Caesar Fox.*
    • Marty McFly? Michael J. Fox.
    • Alex P. Keaton? Michael J. Fox.
    • Doc Hollywood? Michael J. Fox.
    • Scott Howard aka Teen Wolf? Michael J. Fox.
    Why? Because Michael J. Fox was doing the Jesse Eisenberg / Michael Cera thing long before those two fucks were doing it but he was doing it likeably. Everybody loved Michael J. Fox back in the day and nobody went to see his movies to see him stretch himself as an actor, they went to see them to see him. Like an old friend they hadn't seen in a while.
    Think about it. Some bullshit comes out with a title like Teen Wolf, would you have gone and seen it? No. No. You fucking would've never seen Teen Wolf so don't even lie. Now: Some bullshit comes out with a title like Teen Wolf and you tellin' a motherfucker that Michael J. Fox is in it? FUCK. Honey, grab the kids and get in the station wagon, we're going to the theater.
    This does not have Michael J. Fox.
  2. The kid in the role of Michael J. Fox? Looks like your standard TRL audience member. His acting is decent at best from what I could tell but his look is all wrong. It's like this, if you're supposed to be a werewolf and you still look like I can kick the shit out of you, you've got the wrong look.
  3. Speaking of the wrong look, fuck. Stiles is in this. Stiles, you may remember is supposed to look like this:
    And how could we ever forget the iconic...
    And then there's this:
    That's Stiles. This new guy? He's no Stiles.
  4. You know who else is in this? Some guy who turns Teen Wolf into Teen Wolf. (As opposed to the original story line where Michael J. Fox inherits the trait from his parents.) Motherfucker lookin' like he's up on some cheesy-ass Twilight bullshit, too, if you ask me. (Of course, you came here because you're asking me, so there's that.)
  5. You know who else is in this? Not Boof.
    HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A TEEN WOLF AND NOT HAVE BOOF?
    In case your ass forgot, this is Boof:

    Just in case your ass forgot.
    Having Teen Wolf without Boof is like having mac 'n' cheese without hot sauce. Seriously. It's just wrong. Just fucking wrong. Fucking Philistine motherfuckers not casting Boof. Boof, ferfucksake! Come on!
  6. Remember how, earlier, I noted how [airquotes]Scott[/airquotes] - which is what I guess we have to call him now - had the completely wrong look? Going back to that, his wolf form? Godawful embarrassing. That is the most pussified werewolf get up I've ever seen. You know what they do? They make his ears pointy and give him a widow's peak and Lord Voldemort nose.** Bullshit. He just looks more emo now. I skipped ahead precisely to see the fuckin' wolf, and they half-assed it. Fucked up my entire day. Like his arms. You know how hairy they get? Like mine. That's it. I could kick this kid's ass up and down the block while he was the wolf. Fuck this shit. They did it wrong.
  7. The whole fucking thing (the five minutes I watched by skipping ahead, anyhow) sucked.
After that I watched the trailer for the remake of Fright Night coming out. Got to tell you, it looks decent. It's got the Colin Ferrell, McLovin, and Toni Collette in it so you know it'll be of a particular quality. Of course, this means I'll have to go back and rewatch the original Fright Night. In the meantime, I also have to pretend that I'm at work right now.

* Sound Design and Assembly is not claiming that Michael J. Fox's middle initial is for Julius-Caesar as a factual statement. It just damned well ought to be is all.
** The only reason I know what Voldemort looks like is because Georgie tried to get me to watch a Harry Potter movie once. However, I am a grown goddamned man and I do grown goddamned man things and one of the grown goddamned man things on the list of things that grown goddamned men do is not watch Harry Potter movies. Because you're a grown goddamned man, that's why.

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