26 May, 2011

Fun with Musician's Ad Responses

So, yesterday, mon petite illiterati, I got fed up and tried posting another Craigslist ad. Considering that my last ad seemed to draw no attention, I decided to completely rewrite the damnable thing. This is what I came up with:

Let's force people to leave the venue! (Midtown, thereabouts.)


Date: 2011-05-26, 1:28AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

Are you as sick as I am of these bullshit bands saying that they want to make money and pack the dance floor by playing popular covers?
Fuck it. Let's make people leave.
No. I'm totally serious. Let's make people leave.
That's more of an impact, isn't it?
I'm not saying we have to be a bad band. In fact, I'd rather we were totally great; that we had more in common with T&G and AmRep bands than this 93X cover band bullshit (for real, what kind of self respecting musician listens to 93X and looks at themselves with any measure of pride in the morning?). I'm particularly proud of that line. I'm also not saying that we have to have any bullshit gimmicks. No other silly bullshit.
I play guitar. I'm looking for a bassist and a drummer. I just want to play music that we, as a collective, would be interested in listening to as fans. And because I'm sick of people responding with "I don't know who any of those bands are but...", I wrote: Please know Harvey Milk, Jesus Lizard, Big Black, Sharpie Crows. Please think sludgy, noisy, blast beats. I don't know why I threw 'blast beats' in there, looking back at it.
I don't care what your gear is. Is it loud enough for practice? Fine. We can practice. We can still play live; PAs work, you know.
Committed or whatever that bullshit is? Hey, can we practice twice a week? Play shows when they come up? That's all I give a shit about. Really. Doesn't that sound reasonable?
Oh! And that whole sobriety thing that keeps popping up here... I don't give two rat motherfucks, honestly. Just show up for practice and shows clean is all I ask. So do all the heroin you want. A measure of my giveafuckness.
Your links get mine.

  • Location: Midtown, thereabouts.
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx
Then, this morning, I got trolled. The email was pretty concise.
"Dude , I use shovel handles for sticks, and I drool when I play That should make them leave, Ill show up for practice when I come down"
I thought about emailing the guy back. I thought of maybe asking him if that was a funny way of saying he was interested. I thought of maybe pointing out that, from the dismissive tone of his response, that he was either unfamiliar with the world of noise rock or simply skimmed my ad without picking up on the true intent. But then I also didn't want him to have my email address. So I decided to do this:

RE: Let's force people to leave the venue! (Gettin' trolled!)


Date: 2011-05-26, 8:44AM CDT
Reply to: comm-xxxxx-xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org

"Dude , I use shovel handles for sticks, and I drool when I play That should make them leave, Ill show up for practice when I come down"

D+: Almost funny but not wholly original and loaded with punctuation errors.

Two errors in the first sentence: First of all, there's no space between 'dude' and the comma. Secondly, no comma is necessary between 'sticks' and 'and'.
Three errors in the second sentence: If you're intent on making this one sentence, then you'll need to replace that comma with a semicolon. Otherwise, please break these two sentence fragments apart with a period. 'Ill' means sick, not 'I will', so please remember to use your apostrophes. Lastly, sentences end with periods; that's kind of the first thing you learn about writing in elementary school.

Lastly, if you're going to troll folks, at least anonymize yourself. I Googled you and your band is the first result on the first page. After listening to your band and reading your bio, it's obvious that I'm after something completely opposite to what you have. But, hey, way to go with responding like my dad when it comes to the concept of music that you don't like.

  • Location: Gettin' trolled!
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: xxxxxxxxxx
HE IS THE DRUMMER INTHIS BAND. PLEASE NOTE THE POINT IN HIS BIO (TYPED IN COMIC SANS, NO LESS) WHERE HE LITERALLY SAYS, "I'm playing with a great bunch of musicians in the Hanging Curve Band. I hope to see the dance floor filled for many years to come!"

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