05 August, 2010

I am not mixing today.

Well, I'll probably wind up doing it this afternoon.
Yesterday, however, it was my double shift, so I sat around and watched TV and movies all day in the office. One of them being Jennifer's Body.
Now, before you start to wonder about me, let me explain to you about this time called "the 90s."
Now the 90s were a strange time in Yankee pop culture. I can go on and on about this thing where the president got a beejer and that thing about how the vice president invented the internet but I'll tell you instead that it was the decade when Courtney Love was culturally relevant (in case you ever wondered where she came from). Not only was Courtney Love culturally relevant but she had a band, maybe you've heard of it, called Hole.
Now, Hole, I don't know if you ever knew this, had a great handful of early records. In fact, go get yourself a copy of My Body the Hand Grenade and find someway to delete / erase / avoid / etc. the second half. You basically need to hear Pretty on the Inside, Ask For It, the first half of My Body the Hand Grenade, and, yeah, Live Through This. Live Through This actually being the last record Hole made before they broke up and we never heard from any of them ever again until the decade was coming to a close and some sea-beast formed a glam rock band with the same name and made a really shitty record with Captain Cue Ball from the Smashing Pumpkins, so I can see where the confusion is there.
And that's been another installment of revisionist history with Daddy Charlie.
But, no, Live Through This was a pretty OK record as far as records I bought when I was fourteen go. And it had this song on it, next to last one on side A, called "Jennifer's Body". So I hope you can see why this movie might spark an interest.
Now, on the other hand, this movie is from Diablo Cody, as noted on the movie poster as "the creator of Juno" or, as I like to call it, Michael Cera Breathes Through His Mouth While a Snotty Hipster Cries About Being Pregnant. And no, I didn't see it. I don't want to see it. Don't tell me that I "have to" see it. I don't have to do shit, I'm a grown goddamned man. And because I'm a grown goddamned man, I can take one look at that movie poster and tell you the following:
  1. Michael Cera is going to breathe through his mouth (but that's a given).
  2. That bitch gon' get pregnant at some point in the movie.
  3. I'm going to take a leap of faith and assume that George Michael Bluth up there is the dumb cracker what knocked her up because his ass was too lazy to put on a goddamned condom.
  4. These kids are hipsters, therefore, this movie is not going to hold any weight among the things that are important in my life.
  5. It was written by a stripper, so the pregnant girl is going to cry a lot because there's nothing a stripper loves more than trying to convince a motherfucker that she's more than just a clit-piercing and a stage name.
Yeah? You're goddamned right I took it there. Fuckin' stripper writes a movie about getting pregnant in high school, I can tell you with four hundred percent certainty that there's going to be some crying and some daddy issues and more fuckin' crying. Don't bullshit a bullshitter.
And you know what? I don't "so totally need to see it", I've fucking dated it, OK? I get the plot. Anybody handing out Sundance or Cannes prizes or whatever to any of my exes? No? Shut the fuck up, then.
What are we discussing again?
Oh, yeah.
The other movie the stripper wrote. This one stars a stripper.
What? Megan Fox isn't a stripper? Huh. Could've fooled the shit out of me.
So, here's what happens: A shite band wants to sacrifice a virgin, so they pick Megan Fox.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hold on.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, that's precious, that really is. Megan Fox playing a vir-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OK, so because she's obviously not a virgin, the sacrifice goes awry and what happens is that a demon possesses Megan Fox and she starts eating boys. The dim one from Mean Girls is a nerd in this one, they have a girl-on-girl make out scene*, and then the nerd kills Megan Fox. So, yeah, I just spoiled the movie for you. Whatever. You know you weren't going to see it anyway, quit lyin'. It was decent though. If you need to kill an hour and a half, I can think of far worse ways. Would I watch it again? Nah, probably not.

* Notable only because Megan Fox was wearing an Evil Dead t-shirt. Other than that, it's not hot enough to jerk off to. If you tried to jerk off to it, it would just feel clumsy and forced.† It's just not hot; the scene is too short and you own real porn, so it's not like you don't know how this scene might end.
† But it's not like that time you tried to knock one out of the park to that scene in Monster's Ball. That could've worked if, you know, you didn't have to put up with the Billy Bob aspect.

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