23 July, 2010

It's Friday: Let's Piss Off Mini Kiss!

Avid Reader Dave submitted Jimmy Buffet for the chopping block, but then Contributing Author Joe swept the leg with Mini Kiss. Contributing Author Adam countered with "Local Bar Cover Bands that play the same set list, in the same order, every time they play, say roughly once a week", alas, he could not top Mini Kiss. Then there was something mentioned about some Josh Denning guy and I had no idea who that is so I Googled him. All I'll say to Mr. Denning: I know beards and that thing on your face, sir, is not a fucking beard. Try growing it again after you get out of the eighth grade and maybe you'll look like a man.
Anyhow, on with the show.
Mini Kiss. Where do we go with Mini Kiss? I have big hate for regular sized Kiss, it stands to reason that I have regular hate for Mini Kiss.
And, I uh...
Well, let's do what we always do. Sherman! Set the Google Machine for Mini Kiss!
OK. Open the following results in new tabs: Wikipedia, images, videos... Wikipedia has a link to the official site, we'll open that one up in a new tab, too... and the Myspace page... OK.
There's an image, let's put that at the top. Wikipedia, that's a skimpy entry, we'll get to that in a minute. Mini Kiss playing "Detroit Rock City". Huh, well, let's see it...
WAIT A MINUTE! Fifty six seconds in, what is this happy horse shit!? Watch, I'll even fast forward to the offending part for you.
Mini Ace Frehley drinking a goddamned bottle of water!? What the hell is that!? You're supposed to be the miniature Kiss, not amateur Kiss! Jesus, guy. You ever see Ace Frehley break away in the middle of the song to take a pull off his Aquafina? Come on, man, you're getting a paycheck at the end of the night.
Meyeherugh... What else we got? Oh, right, what's Wikipedia say?
Because the band does not actually play their music, no recordings are available at this time.
Play that again.
Because the band does not actually play their music...
OK, well, you know, people said the same thing about the Monkees. And it's Wikipedia, you can't trust Wikipedia. I mean... But wouldn't that explain the whole thing with Mini Ace Frehley up there?
So I goes digging I does, looking to see if I can find out whether these guys are actually playing their instruments. If you watch the above video, Mini Gene seems to be frantically playing a little out of sync but the camera's shaky. I can also see Mini Paul is clearly plugged in to something.
And then I see their appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. No amps. Well, it's TV. So that probably doesn't count. TV appearances? Meh.
Then I watch this video. Watch what happens twenty eight seconds in.
Notice how the music seems to just magically appear? Notice how there are drums but the drummer's not playing? And notice how, on the zoom in at forty two seconds, you can see that there are no tuning pegs on the bass headstock, and there seems to be only one string? In the same zoom in it is revealed that Mini Paul's guitar is fretless and also singularly stringed. Wait, huh? And then, approximately eighteen seconds later, another zoom in reveals the drummer doing dick all.
That's it. I've had it. I'm calling it: Mini Kiss are officially dead.
You are not a tribute band. You are four midgets singing karaoke. If I wanted to see midgets singing karaoke, I'd go to the bar on karaoke night and see midgets and regular-heighted folks singing karaoke together in the peaceful harmony that is coexistence. I'm not paying to see midgets dressed up like Kiss, singing Kiss, and pretending to play instruments. I can see all this shit for free in other venues.
Singing midgets: Take your pick, Nicollet from Grant up to Washington or Franklin from Nicollet over to the Rail Terminal.
People singing other people's songs: Take your pick, karaoke night or 3rd Ave from Franklin up to about 12th or anywhere on Hennepin in downtown.
People dressed like Kiss: The Gay Nineties. (And I really should go back there sometime, man. That place is off the chain.)
People pretending to play instruments: Anywhere that someone's playing Guitar Hero.
Sorry, guys, you're not actually a band. No matter how badly you want to be. They caught Ashley Simpson lip-syncing and they said she couldn't sing. They caught Milli Vanilli lip-syncing and they said they couldn't sing. Don't go thinking that because you're not hiding that you're not playing that you're going to get a pass. Life is not t-ball. A band has musicians. Musicians play instruments. You don't play instruments. You are not a band. Simple as that.
Follow me here: You can sing, sure. But that doesn't make you a band. What, for example, is validating the drummer's place in the band? They don't drum. They don't sing. They are peripheral to the actual function of a band. To the function of your collective, they may be necessary but note that I called your group a "collective" and not a band.
You are a group.
You are a collective.
You are an aggregation.
You are a gang.
You are a crew.
You are a posse.
You are a legion.
You are a phalanx.
I hate to say it but this is a traveling side show, man. Or maybe it isn't. Look, I don't keep up with midget civil rights or midget social issues, so I don't know if other midgets see this as empowering or degrading. I don't. What I see? A quartet of midgets saying, "Hey, why don't you come watch midgets sing some karaoke!" I see exploitation going down. Maybe you don't. Maybe you just see harmless novelty in midgets pretending to play instruments and sing Kiss songs. Maybe it is harmless novelty. I mean, it's not like black face, is it? It's not some cracker playing up some bullshit black stereotype after holding down their people and culture for what? one? two hundred years? No. These are midgets pretending to be Kiss. They hire themselves out for events. They figure to themselves, "It's kinda like we're 'fun size', why not make some money off of that?"
Look, I don't know what to call it, I just know you can't call it a band.
As long as you're not hurting anybody and this doesn't set back midget / regular-heighted relations back a hundred years (and I totally tried to find a way to throw in the joke "four acres and a miniature pony" right there but came up short) (that's right, I broke out a pun), then you're OK and I'll leave you alone.
But you're not a fucking band. Kids who play Rock Band or whatever are not a band. You know why? They're not playing instruments. Neither are you. Therefore, it stands to reason that you are not a band.
Not a band.
You're not.
Not a band.
Not a band.


  1. Well done, sir. Very tactful and tasteful. Is next week the last "Piss Off?"

  2. Hey,
    Joe and I should make some signs. Mini Kiss is going to be in Toledo next Friday. Our signs should say, "Play your fucking instruments!!"

  3. Do it and take pictures. You know, if you really want to pay a cover to watch midgets sing karaoke.

  4. Next week is the last Friday Piss Off where it is completely up to the little illiterati what the subject is.

  5. Wow!!! HATERS!! pshhhhh, we get PAID & love what we do~~~now get your shine boxes biatches!!!


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