14 March, 2010

This Morning's Hostel Incident Report

Staff reports that at 1020CDT, a man in a frenzied state called the office.
Minneapolis International Hostel.
"Yeah, I was wonderin' about gettin' a room."
OK, give me just a second. [waits for login] Alright, what nights are you looking at?
"Just a week to start."
OK, and you know we have a week limit per season.
"Uh-huh, well I have a twelve hundred dollar SSI check [this quickly devolves into a babbling, seventy second story about how the potential guest's only form of identification is a California State Penitentiary identification card, that he has a prepaid phone, and that he has beaten up a police officer]."
That was quite a mouthful.
"[Another fifty seconds of the staff's life is wasted by this man who is intent on explaining that he has a twelve hundred dollar SSI check. And a prison ID.]"
OK, well, I just need a valid credit card to make the booking.
"[Frenetic rambling sob story about how I can verify his line of credit if I call his prepaid cellphone company. I'd say this time it took only twenty seconds.]"
Right, well, I mean this is just like any other hotel or motel that would ask you for a credit card. You can still pay by cash if you'd like, but we need a credit card to hold on file as an insurance policy.
"There's no way we can get around this?"
I'm afraid that's our policy.
"[About thirty seconds now of promising that he will not damage the room and that if I meet him he is polite, friendly, and good looking. Yes, he said "good looking".]"
Look, I'm sorry, man, I don't think we're going to be able to help you out. I wish you the best of luck, though.
"Alright, then, can I have your name so I can report you to the Federal Bureau of Investigation on charges of fraud and corruption?"
Fraud and corruption? I'm being up front with you.
"Yeah, you're being up front with about violating my constitutional right to not be on the street! [Some long-winded, Wikipedia-read bullshit about federal law and how I can serve up to ten years in prison for defrauding him.] I am physically and emotionally disabled! And you're telling me that because I don't have a plastic fucking card that [I can't remember this part] -
OK, that's just -
"So now I have to go to the fucking Amtrak station to go to some other city where they'll accept my phone credit and I hope you have a nice fucking day in hell, asshole!"
Will do.

Staff reports that the man's final tirade is reported as verbatim as possible.

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