30 August, 2009

You know your life sucks when you can't get laid in your own dreams.

Holy crap. You wouldn't believe where I was in the Land of Nod last night. I'm having trouble reconciling a lot of it.
  • George was played by Lucy Pinder, an English skin mag model. (You'll have to do your own Google Image search, I'm on the office computer.) (SEND MONEY!)
  • Neil Patrick Harris was straight.
  • I had to tell George about how I found out Neil Patrick Harris was straight while Jason Lee fucked her in the alley behind Howard's Club H.
  • I still drove my old '85 Chevrolet Caprice Classic. It still didn't have a tape deck.
  • I worked in the Waterville/Whitehouse, OH area, meaning a very long drive to work without a tape deck.

    Really, Dad? You couldn't find me a car with a tape deck? You know that's why I turned out this way, right?
  • At the factory I worked at, the hallway at the hostel was one of the offices. It was here that a troupe of elderly women were throwing me a birthday party.
  • Because they couldn't be arsed to light the candles on the cake before hand, I had to light them my-damned-self, despite having a ghost memory of blowing them out.
  • In the course of lighting the candles, I had to crawl up on to the table, whereby I got chocolate frosting on the right knee my jeans. Demi's son came out of his hospital room to lick the frosting off. I immediately grabbed some Formula 409 to prevent a stain from setting.
  • Somehow, George knew Jake from BG and wanted to go to his apartment to buy the pot from him that she left there.
  • Jake and I went into what we thought was his apartment and began cooking an onion and bok choi based stew in the bedroom. A baby was being taken care of by two young women whose skins fluctuated sinusoidally in melanin concentration.
  • I find the lease to the apartment and inform Jason Lee (Him again?) that this is indeed not Jake's apartment.
    Possible captions include:
    1. Get out of my head, you weird Scientologist bastard!
    2. It's not enough that you just up and decide to fuck my ex-girlfriend right in front of me while I'm trying to talk to her...
    3. If Battlefield Earth 2 doesn't work out, he's going to have to do those Dianetics informercials.
    You pick.
  • It strikes me at some point in the middle of the night; what do you think it was like for people a hundred years ago, living during their turning of the century? Do you think they were upset with how boring it was less than ten years into the twentieth century? You know, like how we want jet packs, do you think they were grousing about not having a horseless buggy?
    Well, actually, automobiles and aircraft are nineteenth century innovations, so do you think they were wondering about machines that could automatically compute things and grousing about not getting them? Do you think they were as let down with their "World of Tomorrow" as we are with ours?
    Yeah, that was probably the closest thing to a rational, linear train of thought that I had last night.
If you're one of our California readers, at least hunt down and flip Jason Lee the bird for me.

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