14 August, 2009

It's Friday: Let's Piss Off Marvel Comics

Schnoodle.
Because my morning is just meant to be weird, I guess. I was thinking that the whole "It's Friday: Let's Piss Off _____________" could be our new running gag. Today's subject was going to be the Abominable Snowman and that decision was pretty much on a whim. Last week happened by accident, I wasn't actively trying to conjure up a new feature. So I've been sitting here this morning trying to come up with a suitable victim. Failing that, I was sitting on the toilet pushing out something the size of a fucking schnoodle and I thought to myself, "Fuck it. Let's just do the... I don't know... Abominable Snowman. There. Problem solved."
Well you know me, one thing leads to another and I'm watching laughing gas porn.
No, you read that right.
The road from Abominable Snowman research to laughing gas porn is an alarmingly short one, inexplicably paved with one of Marvel Comics' second stringers: Spider-Woman.
Do I have to draw a map? Fine. (Keep in mind that if I hadn't packed my scanner, I would literally be drawing this, right now.)
(Search) Abominable Snowman → (Redirect) Yeti → (Disambiguation) Abominable Snowman (Marvel Comics character) → (Not to be confused with) Yeti (another Marvel Comics character) → (Related to) Wendigo...
And now we can break off into two paths. Let's take the long one first.
Wendigo has fought Hulk who is the cousin of the Sensational (formerly Savage) She-Hulk. She-Hulk was introduced in 1980 primarily in the interest of trademarking the name because knock offs flew around like you wouldn't believe back then, and loop holes must have been allowed for gender differences despite similar powers. Stick with me here.
She-Hulk was introduced in 1980 for the purpose of protecting a title franchise, kind of like what Marvel was shooting for three years earlier in '77 when they conjured up Spider-Woman. Marvel Comics wasn't being paranoid, either; in 1978, Filmation (the folks who brought you He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) debuted Web Woman.
That was the long road. The short road goes like this:
Wendigo is related to Sasquatch, the recruiter for Omega Flight. Arachne is on the Omega Flight team. Arachne is actually the second Spider-Woman.
Mm-hmm. We've just established how I made the jump from Himalayan folklore to comic book trademark placeholder. But do you see what else we found? There was a second Spider-Woman.
Mulitple people in multiple roles is nothing new in the world of comic books, especially not when it comes to Marvel. After all, there are about dozen different versions of the Incredible Hulk 1 2, Iron Man has thirty one suits, and anytime Marvel can't come up with an origin story, they just strap the word "mutant" across the character's ass and call it a day.

Pictured: All of the times Stan Lee just didn't give a shit anymore.
So that there are five Spider-Women is not surprising until you remember that part where I said that Spider-Woman was just a trademark placeholder. Check out her entry at Toonopedia, people didn't even care. The ones that conjured her up, they didn't care. The ones that took over her story line, they didn't care. The ones that thought it would be a good idea to bring back her title after cancellation, they didn't care either. That's what's got me so perplexed, is that nobody on the staff of Marvel gave a shit about her but there's fucking five of her, and that's just in the normal Marvel universe. And on top of all this shit, the original Spider-Woman, Jessica Drew, has more origin stories than letters in her damned name. And the even weirder part is how mostly unrelated each Spider-Woman is:
The first, fifth, and current Spider-Woman was Jessica Drew who was eventually impersonated by Veranke the Skrull Queen.
The second Spider-Woman was Julia Carpenter who eventually changed her spider name to Arachne.
The third Spider-Woman had the most costumes, the most powers (including flight, ferfucksake), and the most fucked-in-the-head origin yet. Look, I don't know what Mattie Franklin's problem is.
Charlotte Witter was the fourth Spider-Woman and also a villain.
That's not even counting the alternate universe Spider-Women, one of whom is Mary Jane Watson-Parker.
And of course for all of Marvel's not giving a shit, they go ahead and make a show for her.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Great. Way to go, Charlie. You've done some research and pretended to get worked up over nothing. You still haven't shown how you got stuck watching laughing gas porn." Well, have you done the Google Image search for Spider-Woman? Let me show you what I found (completely NSFW):
That one. Yeah. The plot of the movie those stills come from involves Spiderguy (Spider-Man) throwing a laughing gas bomb at Spiderchick (Spider-Woman), which makes perfect sense considering that they're both superheroes and Spider-Man doesn't carry laughing gas bombs.
Well you don't just put superhero laughing gas porn in front of me and expect me to not watch it, so I check out the source and I find that there's a whole page for this sort of fetish, which also includes tickling the victim with an electric toothbrush. My mind is blown. You see that shit on the wall over there? That's my cerebellum. That's the kind of blowing my mind just endured. What I find first, is a reasonably Safe For Work preview not featuring Spiderguy, and then the NOT AT ALL SAFE FOR WORK PREVIEW featuring Spiderguy. The producers of this laughing gas porn video have actually found a legal loophole to... I don't know. They're still using the copyrighted likenesses of the characters. Could be worse, though; they could have used Web Woman.

2 comments:

  1. What the fuck did I just watch?
    Spiderman getting Spiderwoman off with a toothbrush?

    ReplyDelete

 
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