16 July, 2009

UTAH: Land of the Ass Whoopin'.

The past week, two weeks, something like that, basically since July began, I've been struggling to come up with consistent material. So all I've got today is this subject posted on the EA forums, shortly after I left the group. (Yeah, I deleted my account.)
There's this group of cats in the hardcore punk community, called Friends Stand United, a name which has been converted into the acronym FSU. Considering I'm not from Boston, I've never heard of these guys.
Apparently, in the early 80s, the Boston hardcore scene was lousy with Nazi skinheads. (And if you have only a rudimentary understanding of punk history, then you need to know that the "Nazi" designation in this instance is required.) FSU was a group of hardcore kids that said, "Fuck it. Let's kick 'em out." And why not? Would you want a bunch of Neo-Nazis in your punk clubs? I wouldn't want Neo-Nazis in my punk clubs.

OK, I'd let one in. But I'd tell her my mother is black after I skeet on her.
But as with most groups brought together espousing a philosophy founded on brotherhood, community, and ass whoopin's, things got out of hand , and the acronym FSU has been converted into the backronym Fuck Shit Up. Oh, they still use Friends Stand United, but don't forget that the Friends Stand United to Fuck Shit Up.
When FSU ran out of Nazis, they started policing the scene. Somebody started fuckin' up here and there, they'd get an ass whoopin', simple as that. Granted, it's a four-person ass whoopin' where the assailants won't hesitate to kick you in the mouth or stick you with a flick knife, but it's still simple. So simple and effective is this method of policing that like any good idea, it caught on and there has been what you might call "company expansion". According to Wikipedia:
To date there have been FSU chapters in Boston, New York, Philadelphia, New Jersey, Chicago, Dallas, Portland Maine, Seattle, and Los Angeles.
Well, then there's a matter of when things cease to be a matter of scenes policing themselves and, well, kind of...
Let's just say it like this: According to the July 14th press release from the fucking FBI ferfucksake (I mean, come on. You know you're into some fucked up shit when you've got the FBI's attention.), one of the founding members of the FSU "allegedly extorted $5,000 from an unnamed victim" while "the victim's band was taking part in an alternative music and extreme sports festival that tours North America in the spring and summer". And I think you can extrapolate from the information so far which method was used to attain the US$5K from Mr. Unnamed Victim.

Yes, Salt Lake City, global headquarters for the religion that brought you this mandatory underwear that you shower in.
You see, here's what happened: The victim got his ass whooped in Boston, Mokena, IL, and Orlando and then agreed to pay US$5K. He was guaranteed safety in Jersey, Philly, and Arizona. So, just for shits and giggles, he got another ass whoopin' in (for the ultimate shits and giggles) Salt Lake City.
Now, when a loosely organized ass-whoopin'-handin'-out community whoops your ass in fucking Orlando (hey, they never promised safety in the Magic Kingdom), you tend to get a little pissed off about it and you hand over to law enforcement professionals all those phone calls that you taped where you were being charged US$5K to not get your ass whooped. When you get your ass handed to you in the ice cream capital of the US*, however, the shit's personal.
And so it was that on July 13th, 2009 the FBI finally got off their asses (after having received the complaint in December 2005 and letting the victim receive a proper Joseph Smith themed ass whoopin' on February 21st, 2006) and arrested Elgin Nathan James for alleged extortion, chief amongst the ass whoopers and the latest addition to the Sundance film festival.
Yes, Sundance.
Sundance in Park City.
Park City, UT.
What the fuck is it with these guys and Utah?

* Source: Mormons.

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