20 July, 2009

Great Moments In Space Exploration

Forty years ago today, the United States of Fucking America put a man on the moon. Let's take a look at the moments that lead up to this awesome event the only way we can do it at Sound Design and Assembly.

1945: Wernher von Braun, a noted Nazi rocket scientist, surrenders to the U.S.
To work with Walt Disney.

1957: After years of just blasting shit into space, the Soviets (then known as Commies) got the idea to shoot a dog into space because, apparently, common sense dictates... uh... Wait, what? At any rate, Laika is the first mammal to orbit the Earth and the first mammal to die orbiting the Earth. She has since been memorialized on countless Soviet postage stamps and in one Arcade Fire song. Sort of.

1958: Despite the U.S. having a massive "let's-shoot-some-monkeys-into-space-just-to-see-how-high-we-can-shoot-a-monkey-into-space" fetish since 1952, Gordo, a squirrel monkey, is one of the first monkeys shot into space. He and his craft are never retrieved after the parachute failed to open upon re-entry. He and his buddies were regularly strapped into harnesses that made them look like Darkman.

1960: Rocket scientist Mikhail Yangel steps away for a smoke while his superior officer, Chief Marshall of Artillery Mitrofan Nedelin pulls up a lawn chair to get fucking disintergrated by flaming acid in what is now known as the Nedelin Catastrophe. Yangel goes on to blame himself for the death of roughly one hundred twenty people, despite that it was Nedelin's impatience that lead to the disaster seen below.

1961: Yuri Gagarin becomes the first man to orbit the Earth, thus earning him more metal around his neck than Mr. T.

1969: The U.S., ever jealous of Russian bling, says, "Fuck that," and puts men on the moon. A lot. Ad nauseum, even.
Just look at Google Moon to get a sense of good ol' fashioned U.S. overkill.

Points between 1969 and 1996: Rocks collected. Pictures taken. Shit blows up. Funding goes down the toilet.

1996: Please enjoy this video of Buzz Aldrin putting some pip-squeak conspiracy theorist in his place after he calls Aldrin "a coward, a liar, and a thief".
Aldrin is sixty six years old in this video. Anyway, Aldrin was tricked into being told that he would be speaking on a Japanese children's television program about space or science or some such crap and when he showed up, Bart Sibrel appeared trying to get Aldrin to swear on a bible that the moon landing never occured.

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