27 July, 2009

The first three minutes, four seconds of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" video.

Before we go any further, please understand that I didn't want to do a Lady Gaga themed article, but then I saw a picture of her when I was perusing Billboard, which is where I go whenever I have no idea for the day's post and feel like coming away empty handed. Thus following suit; nothing here comes to us courtesy of Billboard. Again.
Fuck you, Billboard. You're worthless and you smell as musty as the Grammies.
So I do a Google Video search because I need to remind myself why I'm supposed to not like anything she does (contributing author Daver has a particularly spiteful payload of vitriol which is aimed in her general direction), and what I find is a bunch of bland bullshit dance-flavored techno-pop of a variety that manages to slap the dick out of Katy Perry's post-Christian-teen-sensation mouth and replace it with a pacifier. Katy Perry might dig some cherry chapstick, Lady Gaga looks at her with a singular cocked eye brow and says, "Chapstick? The fuck, man? I want Eurotrash jizm."
What I'm trying to say is: The bass is a square wave oscillator and a woman is autotune-singing some horribly rhymed stanzas about cock sucking. I think. I really don't venture any further than about twelve seconds into any of these things so if I hear a square wave oscillator bass and something about suckin' cock, I'm going to assume that that's the gist of the entire song. I have no reason to believe otherwise.
Then I encounter this:
Harkening back to the bloated likes of Guns 'N' Roses, Lady Gaga has made one of those "movie videos". Mind you, I watched only the prologue, so I don't know anything about this song but, trust me, this shit is ridiculous on its own.
00:00 - 00:07 - Some tech bullshit that the RIAA probably standardized ten years ago for providing credits and stats that nobody, not even the RIAA cares about. Circle wipe to opening credits.
00:07 - 00:27 - Exterior of a house I doubt Lady Gaga owns (or maybe she does, I am terribly out of touch with the kids these days) with picture postcard font credits.
00:27 - 00:44 - Interior of house, piano in background. Credits indicate that Lady Gaga will be starring in her own video - well, thank the Baby Christ for that - along side some guy named Alexander Skarsgård, who I've never heard of so I Googled him to see if he's important. According to IMDb he's on that True Blood show, which I think is about vampires, but the title reminds me of There Will Be Blood, which was about oil. Lady Gaga at least gets points for not picking someone from the cast of Twilight.
00:44 - 00:47 - First occurence of US$100 bills appearing with Lady Gaga's face on them.
00:47 - 00:56 - Title card. Big, dumb title card. I've seen .gifs animated with more fluidity than this bullshit.
00:56 - 01:20 - Skarsgård is absolutely about crawling all the fuck over Gaga, as they exchange sweet nothings in some indeterminable foreign language. At about 01:02, and I actually have to replay this three times because I can't make heads or tails of it, Gaga says to Skarsgård what clearly sounds like the words "puss puss" which translate, according to the subtitles "kiss kiss". We now know that they are speaking Swedish. We're also granting Lady Gaga a few more points because, really, I've never had a woman say "puss puss" to me while rolling around in bed. Part of me thinks that would be hot until...
01:20 - Second occurence of Lady Gaga's face on United States bank notes, meaning two things: First, why the hell are they speaking Swedish and handling American dollars? Second, if this in the States, that means that she just called to Skarsgård like he was a cat.
01:25 - "Lady Gaga Reaches the Top Yet Again" appears on the front page of a fictional newspaper, The Evening Star. This is in the English language as well, confirming my suspicion that she just called to Skarsgård like a cat.
01:33 - Porno gasp is heard, shot of mounted ram's head on a wall is displayed. Taxidermy is sexy to the Swedes.
01:51 - Gaga fleetingly looks like the hairdresser. Hopefully, she can even briefly fuck better.
01:52 - It is revealed that Skarsgård is going for the danger-fuck. Kinkster that I am, I cannot abide by the danger-fuck. There's just something about being responsible for somebody not falling off a railing that kills my boner.

This kid's dad didn't have a boner for two years. It should be noted that two years was also the amount of time both parents spent in court once Child Protective Services heard about the great job they did of keeping their kid from hopping the damned railing.

01:55 - First requisite camera view finder POV shot.
01:57 - Skarsgård asks Gaga if she trusts him. Because he's holding her. On a railing. And he's about to thrust his penis into her in a direction that would lead to the not-safe side of the railing.
01:58 - Lady Gaga answers incorrectly.

Do I need to point this out again?

02:00 - Skarsgård starts jamming Gaga's head all over the fucking place like he's trying to shake a baby to stop it from crying. (I'm just full of bad parenting jokes this afternoon.)
02:02 - Second requisite camera view finder POV shot. This is from a different angle.
02:03 - Skarsgård is distracted. Why is he distracted? He has Lady Gaga's life in his hands. OK, well, actually he's got Lady Gaga's head in his hands but, still, hombre, you're going for the danger-fuck. There has never been a more appropriate time for you to pay attention to what the hell you are doing!
02:05 - In the third requisite camera view finder POV shot, we see that Skarsgård is looking at the first photographer from 01:55.
02:06 - Lady Gaga can sense something is wrong. Is it her beau's distraction? Is it her ass cheeks veering dangerously closer to the edge of the not-safe side of the railing? Is it because nobody in the throes of passion needs to be sporting that much bling?
02:07 - Lady Gaga begins struggling. Fourth requisite camera view finder POV shot occurs from the photographer at 02:02. Skarsgård is clearly seen moving his hands to the appropriate area for making sure his danger-fuck does not go awry: the waist.
02:08 - Lady Gaga forgets the safe word, hopes Skarsgård takes her seriously.
02:10 - A third photographer joins us for our fifth camera view finder POV shot. Skarsgård is seen just kind of holding Gaga, not really trying to do anything about keeping her from squirming all over the damned place. On a railing. That's really high up.

Assume Colonel Klink voice and say: Skarsgård!!!

02:11 - Struggle ensues. On a railing. That's really high up. Most normal people would probably do the sensible thing and consider not engaging in the danger-fuck at about this point. Most normal people would endure a life of being called a pussy by their ignorant and not-as-adventurous-anyway friends every time the subject of the "aborted danger-fuck" came up, secure in knowing that nobody fucking died on account of the blasted idea rather than actually trying to corral a lover squirming like a four year old at the barber's for the first time and watching them plummet to their death.
Skarsgård is not a normal person.
02:13 - Requisite camera view finder POV shots now occurring with alarming frequency. Skarsgård is grabbing Gaga by the face now. I think it's pretty safe to say that even a safety-fuck is out of the question at this point.
02:15 - Skarsgård tells Gaga to look into the camera as he puts her at a 45o angle over the not-safe side of the fucking railing. I'm having trouble deciding if this is an idiot or a dick move.
02:16 - Gaga asks Skarsgård what he's doing. From the looks of things, he's not keeping a very good grip on her.
02:17 - Skarsgård looks in to camera with this look on his face as though to say, are you getting this?
02:18 - Gaga again says, "Stop". Skarsgård goes for the throat.
02:19 - Concern for Gaga's safety at this point manifests itself as a lump in my throat. Really, pause that shit at 02:19 and tell me that any of this shit looked like it could have possibly been misconstrued as a good idea.

I bet this kid thought it was an awesome idea, too.

02:19 - 02:22 - Holy crap!
02:23 - Gaga slugs Skarsgård. Hate to break it to you, Gaga, but right now, seeing as how he's the one with your life in his hands, punching him might not be such a hot idea.
02:26 - Skarsgård retaliates against Gaga's insolence by cocking her over the railing at 90o.
02:28 - Gaga is done fucking around. She indicates this by breaking the champagne on Skarsgård's head. Skarsgård amazingly does not lose his grip...
02:29 - Instead, he just throws the bitch over the railing.
02:29 - 02:34 - Skarsgård is pretty smug for having just committed second degree murder with witness. With cameras.
02:35 - 02:55 - Circle wipe to Lady Gaga falling against a pop art background that was cool the first time I saw it without the pop art background. When it was in the Evil Dead trilogy.
02:55 - Lady Gaga's body, displaying a preposterous absence of blood, is surrounded by photographers, none of whom seem to be saying to each other, "Uh, guys, you think we should take this shit with Skarsgård, you know, killing somebody to the cops?"
02:58 - The Evening Star headline reads: "Lady Gaga Hits Rock Bottom". Accompanying photograph looks like the fucking Black Dahlia murder.

02:58 - 03:04 - Montage of newspaper headlines and photographers not doing shit like calling 911 or trying to help or chasing down Skarsgård.
03:04 - Music begins, I lose interest.

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