28 July, 2009

Dave hates this idea.

I, for one, love it. I love it to the point where I'm not beating around the bush telling you about this one, either. I'm remaking Small Wonder.

You bet your ass I'm fuckin' serious.

Here's the plan: I make the pilot episode. Then I pitch it. I sell it. I make money from it. I never have anything to do with it again.
"But Charlie, what makes your version different from the original?"
I'm glad you asked that, inquisitive reader. Here are the major differences:
  • Ted Lawson, the dad, is no longer a bumbling robotics technician who assembles Vicki in the bedroom during his down time between getting home and eating dinner. That was straight bullshit. If he was that skilled, he should've gotten that meeting with his boss. No. We're changing this shit. Ted Lawson is now a lowly robotics technician who's been told by the Department of Defense that androids are too hot, politically. Ted "goes rogue" and over the course of months (as indicated by a montage) painstakingly assembles Vicki in his basement lab.
    Also, we're going to pick an actor that doesn't look like he drives a molestation van.

    Come on. We were all thinking it.
  • Really, can we make the Joan Lawson bitchier? Because this one has the most empty personality of any TV mom I've ever seen, and that's including The Hogan Family-era Sandy Duncan.
    We're getting a whole new mom for this show. She's still going to be supportive of Ted's endeavors, but she won't be no damned dish rag. She's going to make Claire's mom on Heroes look like a regular mouth-breather.
  • Jamie Lawson is a useless douche. But I dig his Gremlins pyjamas. Can we do something along the lines of making him not being a useless douche? Because without him, there's no reason to have Gremlins pyjamas and those are going to be integral to the show.
    Also, he's going to fuck the robot.
  • Now, about Vicki -
What? Yeah. I said he's going to fuck the robot.
  • Now, about Vicki -
Yeah, I'm totally serious.
  • Now, about -
What is it about this plan you're having trouble grasping? Look, the kid and the robot are going to fuck. They're both about what? Twelve? Well guess what, I was beating off when I was twelve and you can bet your ass that if I had access to a fuck-bot at that age (a fuck-bot that won't get pregnant or get a venereal disease), then the first time I got my rocks off would not have been on the living room couch with James Bond Jr. on the TV in the background. No. It would have been picking up some robo-cooze. I mean, why not? It's the safety of masturbation coupled with accelerated sexual development.
You know what else? When I was twelve, I'd have fucked a twelve year old fuck-bot. When I was sixteen, I'd have fucked a sixteen year old fuck-bot. When I'm thirty, I'll fuck a thirty year old fuck-bot. And when I'm fifty five, I'm going to fuck a twenty year old fuck-bot. That's how life works. Look, if I've got a fuck-bot that lives in my closet, I'm eventually going to fuck it. I don't see where you're having trouble with this. Can we get back to the bullet pointed list, now, please?
Thank you. God.
Jesus tap-dancing Christ, you're so pedestrian.
  • Now, about Vicki: Doing only a few things different with her. First of all, I can't trust a little kid to have a computer voice all the time. Therefore, we're running her voice through a vocoder. Secondly, we're updating her technology. No more serial port in her left armpit. We're going with firewire. Thirdly, the "C" in "Voice Input Child Identicant" now stands for "Combat". Because, come on, why the hell was this guy building a little girl robot?

Alright, it's a newer, darker, edgier Small Wonder. I'm thinking that maybe it'll go through some plot twists like the first season of Alias (hey, I liked it) and by the second season the network will bring on new writers and it'll develop plot holes like any season of Heroes. I don't care, let the network do what they want. I can only Christopher Nolan this shit so much before I have to let it go.
Of course, like all great plans, there's a hitch: I need to shoot the pilot. I can not walk into a pitch meeting empty handed. I won't even get a pitch meeting unless I have a multimedia presentation. I have to have something I can slap down on the table and say, "Check the fuck out of this shit out," because all I'm looking to do is sell the idea. Just, "Hey, I've got an idea. It comes with a multimedia presentation. Would you like to buy the idea? Fifty grand. Here you go."
Dave, it should be noted, really does hate this idea.


  1. WTF is 'Small Wonder'? Never heard of it. Also, I always knew you would fuck a fuck bot if you had the chance, hell I would too.

  2. Small Wonder? She-it, nigga. I can't believe you don't remember that.


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