06 July, 2009

Another piece of my innocence is on the brink of death.

I don't care if it's going to be the fourth movie or if it's going to be a remake of the first or what; the Evil Dead trilogy does not need to be added to, "reimagined", "rebooted", or otherwise messed with.
I'm going to call Sam Raimi up, take him to lunch and talk some sense into him; say, "Sam. Really. You have Spider-Man money. You don't need to do this, Sam. Your place in history is secure, you know that right? The trilogy is beyond cult following. Hell, my mom loves Army of Darkness, Sam, my MOM. Granted, my mom isn't like other moms, Sam. My mom likes White Zombie, so...
"ANYWAY, Sam, please, leave the trilogy alone. I have so few things that I hold sacred about the entertainment industry left in my life. You know they turned CBGB's into a clothing store!? I never got to see CBGB's, Sam. The Evil Dead trilogy is all I have left, Sam, and you want to go and fuck that up for me. You want to destroy the last piece of my child-like soul and eternally ruin my love of cinema. Why, Sam? Why do you want to kill my child within?
"Please, Sam. Let it go. It's OK to let things go, really.
"Look, I'm going to call Bruce and Rob after this, see if I can have a sit down with them, too, because it's not about you, Sam. It's about the movies. It's always been about the movies. And, yeah, you're still going to get my seven dollars when the fourth one hits the theaters because I know I can't stop you from committing the most reprehensible act of cinematic treason in recorded history, nor will I be able to stay away from any element of the franchise you and your friends built.
"But, really, Sam, please, Sam. Reconsider. For me, the guy who exchanged nothing but Evil Dead related gifts with his brother every Xmas and birthday for three years running, Sam. Please and thank you."
And after that point, I will get up and leave. Sam, sitting there in slack-jawed for a few moments, won't realize until I'm halfway down the block that I stuck him with the bill.
After all, he makes Spider-Man money; he can't pick up lunch?

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